etiquette

Your reaction to being insulted can feel like a pressured situation, especially if it was said in a public setting such as a work meeting or at a bar with friends. You don’t want to just ignore it because you’re not a pushover, but, at the same time, tossing an immediate insult back might escalate conflict or make you look like a bigger bully if your comeback has more teeth. Luckily, there’s an “unbeatable” comeback that can diffuse the situation without anyone mistaking you for the bad guy.

Lawyer Vince on TikTok shared that the best initial response to an insult is one five-word question: “Can you say that again?” That simple question works whether you are acting as if you didn’t hear them or if you are confidently, calmly requesting them to repeat their words. Having the person who insulted you repeat themselves gives them the opportunity to either review what they’ve said, see the fault in it, and then edit themselves or it takes the bite out of the insult because they’re now in an awkward position while you’re in control. In either case, you will be in a stronger position for an additional response, but many conflicts can just end there.

Experts in communication agree with this tactic

Lawyer Vince isn’t the only attorney that praises this conversational judo move:

"Feigning that you didn't hear or understand someone is an underused but effective way to get them to either self-edit their speech or change it all together. We see it all of the time during witness testimony and cross-examination,” said lawyer Justin Obsorn to Upworthy. “When you pull out the rug on a snarky and rude comment, you take away the impulsiveness of the insult. It forces the speaker to be intentional and, frankly, go against human nature to repeat it verbatim.”

This is not just true in the courtroom, but therapists see it as an effective technique during verbal conflicts as well. Other people online have also shared this tip with others, as it has helped people who were insulted in the office, at school, when dealing with a rude customer, and in many other day-to-day situations.

Make no mistake

Another reason why “Can you say that again?” is a great response to an insult is that it also can clarify if you’ve actually been insulted at all.

“I do think that we often may hear things in a way that the speaker did not intend—either we hear words they didn't say, or we hear the actual words but misinterpret the desired meaning or effect,” Dr. Larry Schooler, Professor of Conflict Resolution and Communication at the University of Texas at Austin told Upworthy. “Asking someone to repeat their comment could, at the very least, help both sides understand what each other is thinking and feeling—it gives the recipient of the message the chance to say, ‘I am glad you repeated it because I misunderstood or misheard you at first,’ or ‘That's what I thought you said, but I'm disappointed or upset and was surprised you said it.’”

So, asking someone to repeat themselves isn’t just a great comeback if you were insulted, it also helps prevent you from accidentally insulting someone in response to something they didn’t actually say. It acts as a conversational failsafe in that way.

The next time a person insults you, or conversely if you want to check yourself to be sure you were insulted, the best way to move forward is to ask for the conversation to be rewound. Much like instant replay, both sides of the conversation can see where the problems lie and proceed from there.