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Woman in open marriage shares the 'one rule' for texting her lover in front of her husband

It's a common courtesy that works for just about every relationship.

open relationships, cheating, spouses monogamy, texts, communication, polyamory,
via Canva/Photos

A woman texting behind her husband's back.

Being in a monogamous relationship means being considerate of your partner’s needs. However, being in an open relationship adds another level of complexity, ensuring that you give your partner proper attention, refrain from stoking their jealousy, and make them feel supported in your atypical arrangement.

Danielle, who goes by @Openlycommitted on TikTok, explained how she and her husband, Rich, deal with one of the trickier aspects of being in an open relationship: how to text with the new person you are dating without being rude to your partner. For Danielle, it’s the same tech etiquette you should use in any other relationship.

Danielle coaches couples who have open relationships or are considering one to develop a style that works for them.

@openlycommitted

I have had many people message me asking how to stop their partner from texting a lover, date or another partner in front of them… I think it’s basic texting etiquette to put a phone down when you are one-one-one with another person. Don’t think it’s just me. #enm #nonmonogamy #nonmonogamous #textingettiquette

How do people in open relationships communicate with the people they date?

“I get that a new relationship can be really exciting and you wanna know what they're gonna say or if you're on a dating app and you wanna know did they respond to something,” she says in a TikTok video. “I get it, but it's also really easy to say to someone that you're with ‘Hey let's both take five minutes of phone time.’ Or, to carve out other moments of the day to be on your phone… this is seriously just basic texting etiquette.”

The most important thing for Danielle, in any relationship, is to be present with the person. “If I'm with someone, no matter who I'm with, I try to be present, and I'm not perfect at it. At the dinner table, everyone puts their phones down. And if I'm on a date with someone, whether that's a first date or a boyfriend or my husband or my son… or one-on-one time with a good friend or family member, my phone could distract me the entire time if I let it. It's just about being present with the person that you're with.”


While open relationships may seem like a taboo topic in many circles, the idea is relatively popular among Americans. A 2023 poll by YouGov found that one-third of Americans (34%) describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy. When it comes to actually taking action on the idea, one in eight Americans (12%) say they have engaged in sexual activity with someone other than their primary partner—with their primary partner's permission.

Danielle says that she and her husband were monogamous, but 15 years ago, he asked her to consider the idea of having an open relationship while they were on vacation in Austria.

@openlycommitted

I’m completely confident in our relationship today, but I will never forget how I felt when he brought up the idea of bein in an open relationship #enm #nonmonogamy #nonmonogamous #poly #polyamory #polyamorous #firsttime #innsbruck #florence

The question took her by surprise. “I felt so hurt that he obviously didn't feel about me the way that I felt about him,” she admitted, before later realizing that she shouldn’t have to share closeness and connection with just one man. However, she warns those who want to ask their spouse for an open relationship to do so with caution.

“So, if you're asking someone to consider being in an open relationship, be patient, it's not just one conversation, it's many,” she said. “But that person might remember that first conversation for the rest of your relationship.”

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I showed my Gen Z kids 'Dead Poets Society' and their angry reactions to it floored me

"Inspiring" apparently means different things to Gen X and Gen Z.

Rotten Tomatoes Classic Trailers/YouTube

Robin Williams played inspiring English teacher John Keating in "Dead Poets Society."

As a Gen X parent of Gen Z teens and young adults, I'm used to cringing at things from 80s and 90s movies that haven't aged well. However, a beloved film from my youth that I thought they'd love, "Dead Poets Society," sparked some unexpectedly negative responses in my kids, shining a spotlight on generational differences I didn't even know existed.

I probably watched "Dead Poets Society" a dozen or more times as a teen and young adult, always finding it aesthetically beautiful, tragically sad, and profoundly inspiring. That film was one of the reasons I decided to become an English teacher, inspired as I was by Robin Williams' portrayal of the passionately unconventional English teacher, John Keating.

 

The way Mr. Keating shared his love of beauty and poetry with a class of high school boys at a stuffy prep school, encouraging them to "seize the day" and "suck all the marrow out of life," hit me right in my idealistic youthful heart. And when those boys stood up on their desks for him at the end of the film, defying the headmaster who held their futures in his hands? What a moving moment of triumph and support.

My Gen Z kids, however, saw the ending differently. They did love the feel of the film, which I expected with its warm, cozy, comforting vibe (at least up until the last 20 minutes or so). They loved Mr. Keating, because how can you not? But when the movie ended, I was taken aback hearing "That was terrible!" and "Why would you traumatize me like that?" before they also admitted, "But it was so gooood!"

  - YouTube  youtu.be  

 

The traumatize part I actually get—I'd forgotten just how incredibly heavy the film gets all of a sudden. (A caveat I feel the need to add here: Gen Z uses the word "traumatize" not in a clinical sense but as an exaggerative term for being hit unexpectedly by something sad or disturbing. They know they weren't literally traumatized by the movie.)

But in discussing it further, I discovered three main generational differences that impacted my kids' "Dead Poets Society" viewing experience and what they took away from it.

1) Gen Z sees inspiring change through a systemic lens, not an individual one

The first thing my 20-year-old said when the credits rolled was, "What? That's terrible! Nothing changed! He got fired and the school is still run by a bunch of stodgy old white men forcing everyone to conform!" My immediate response was, "Yeah, but he changed those boys' individual lives, didn't he? He helped broaden their minds and see the world differently."

  o captain my captain, dead poets society Individual impact isn't as inspiring to Gen Z as it was to Gen X.   Giphy  

I realized that Gen X youth valued individuals going against the old, outdated system and doing their own thing, whereas Gen Z values the dismantling of the system itself. For Gen X, Mr. Keating and the boys taking a stand was inspiring, but the fact that it didn't actually change anything outside of their own individual experiences stuck like a needle in my Gen Z kids' craw.

2) Gen Z isn't accustomed to being blindsided by tragic storylines with no warning

To be fair, I did tell them there was "a sad part" before the movie started. But I'd forgotten how deeply devastating the last part of the movie was, so my daughter's "Why would you do that to me?!" was somewhat warranted. "I thought maybe a dog would die or something!" she said. No one really expected one of the main characters to die by suicide and the beloved teacher protagonist to be blamed for his death, but I'd somehow minimized the tragedy of it all in my memory so my "sad part" warning was a little insufficient.

 

But also to be fair, Gen X youth never got any such warnings—we were just blindsided by tragic plot twists all the time. As kids, we cheered on Atreyu trying to save his horse from the swamp in "The Neverending Story" only to watch him drown. Adults showed us "Watership Down" thinking it would be a cute little animated film about bunnies. We were slapped in the face by the tragic child death in "My Girl," which was marketed as a sweet coming of age movie.

Gen Z was raised in the era of trigger warnings and trauma-informed practices, while Gen X kids watched a teacher die on live TV in our classrooms with zero follow-up on how we were processing it. Those differences became apparent real quick at the end of this movie.

The Never Ending Story Atreyu GIFfrom The Never Ending Story GIFs
 


3) Gen Z fixates on boundary-crossing behavior that Gen X either overlooked or saw as more nuanced

The other reaction I wasn't expecting was the utter disdain my girls showed for Knox Overstreet, the sweet-but-over-eager character who fell for the football player's cheerleader girlfriend. His boundary-crossing attempts to woo her were always cringe, but for Gen X, cringe behavior in the name of love was generally either overlooked, tolerated, or sometimes even celebrated. (Standing on a girl's lawn in the middle of the night holding a full-volume stereo over your head was peak romance for Gen X, remember.) For Gen Z, the only thing worse than cringe is predatory behavior, which Knox's obsessiveness and pushiness could arguably be seen as. My own young Gen X lens saw Knox and said, "That's a bit much, dude. Take it down a notch or three." My Gen Z daughters' lens said, "That guy's a total creepo. She needs to run far the other way."

 run, red flag behavior Gen Z is much more black and white about behaviors than previous generations.  Giphy Red Flag Run GIF by BuzzFeed 

On one hand, I was proud of them for recognizing red flag behaviors and calling them out. On the other hand, I saw how little room there is for nuance in their perceptions, which was…interesting.

To be clear, I don't think my Gen Z kids' reactions to "Dead Poets Society" are wrong; they're just different than mine were at their age. We're usually on the same page when it comes to these kinds of analyses, so seeing them have a drastically different reaction to something I loved at their age was really something. Now I'm wondering what other favorite movies from my youth I should show them to see if they view those differently as well—hopefully without "traumatizing" them too much with the experience.

This article originally appeared in January.

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Golden Years

I spent a week chatting with people over 80. Here are 4 pieces of wisdom they shared.

"No one warns you how many of your new friends will pass on."

Canva

Two hands of different ages grasp one another.

There are only a few things in this life we can't evade. One of them is aging. Sure, there's Botox and facelifts and all that jazz to help us look younger. But in the end, our cells simply insist on keeping score, and no matter how hard some might fight it, our DNA is bombarded with hits that will eventually take us down.

The good news is that with years often comes wisdom. I like to think of our minds as though they were hiking trails. Each trail has a sign, but instead of telling us which way to go, the signs remind us who we are. This past week, I was honored to read some of those signs at the senior home where my mom resides. Nearly every conversation, at least for me, yielded little sage sachets of advice that are truly invaluable.

 

Know someone before you marry them.

 

A woman in her early 80s shared that it takes about a year for someone's "true nature" to be revealed, even in the most intimate of relationships. (This, at least according to a professor she had in graduate school.) In other words, she says, "A person can hide their psychological pathologies, on average, for about a year."

So, she wishes younger people would wait at least that long before moving in or getting married. "Slow down," she said. "Really take your time before you take the leap. Everyone puts their best foot forward at first and then sometimes that mask can slip. Don't get stuck."

 elderly man, elderly woman, relationship, honeymoon phase A man kissing a woman near the ocean.  Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash  

Some research shows that the "honeymoon phase" can, of course, vary in length. Brides.com shares, "The honeymoon phase is an early part of a couple's relationship where everything seems carefree and happy. It usually lasts from six months to two years and can be marked with lots of laughs, intimacy, and fun dates."

No matter how long that phase lasts, her advice to slow down and really get to know someone before fully committing seems like (mostly) a good idea.

 

Listen to your doctors

 elderly man, doctor's office, health, blood pressure A doctor examining a patient's wrist with a stethoscope  Photo by CDC on Unsplash  

 

I met a woman who was a retired OBGYN. We talked at length about perimenopause, hormones, and life after 50. She urges, "Do the research, but also (for the most part) listen to your doctors. Most of them know what they're doing."

We both kind of laughed, and then she leaned in and said, "No. Really." She added, "Nothing wrong with getting a second, or even third opinion. But listen and read all you can before it's too late."

 

Understand that time is precious

 elderly, aging, friendship, time, Two men play chess.  Photo by Vlad Sargu on Unsplash  

 

One thing my mom rather casually mentioned really stuck with me. This was how difficult it is to make new friends—and not for reasons one might think. Sure, senior living facilities can be just as cliquey as groups were in middle school. But for my mother, it was less about fitting in and more about fearing she would lose people as she grew to love them.

"No one warns you how many of your new friends will pass on. When I first moved here, I befriended a brilliantly funny woman and within six months she was gone. This happens more and more and you never get used to it. You're never prepared."

 

If you don't want to eat dinner at 4:30, you don't have to.

 

On a simpler note, this one might be obvious to some, but it was certainly a common topic among the people with whom I spoke. Even though they serve dinner at 5:00 in many senior homes, it doesn't mean you can't put it in Tupperware and save it for later. To that point, just because people age, doesn't mean they have to go to bed at 8:00 p.m. (Though for many, that timeline is just perfect.)

One man noted, "Just because we all live in one place doesn't mean we all become one person. We've got night owls and early birds and every other kind of bird you could imagine. Eat and sleep when you want to. It's still your life."

His friend added, "If you want to play Mahjong at midnight, do it!"

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Golden Years

7 'old people' sayings that are actually solid life advice at every age

"Make all your words sweet because tomorrow you may have to eat them."

Photo credit: Canva

Elder wisdom can come in handy.

With age comes wisdom, or at least we hope it does. As we get older, we collect life lessons that we can pass along to younger generations, sometimes with lengthy stories and sometimes with quippy sayings.

Adages like "A penny saved is a penny earned," or "Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise," have been part of our collective treasure chest of life advice for generations, but the aphorisms that spring from the experience of our loved ones and mentors are often the most meaningful.

Someone shared that they'd read and appreciated this old man's advice: “My grandpa once told me 'if you get on the wrong train, get off at the nearest station, the longer it takes you to get off, the more expensive the return trip will be.' He wasn’t talking about trains.” The person asked for more tidbits of wisdom from old folks and people started sharing sayings they heard from their elders growing up.

Here are some of the best "old man advice" sayings and how they can be applied in a person's life.

"You might miss what’s ahead of you if you keep concentrating on what’s in the rear view mirror."

Another commenter put it another way: "Don't look behind you, you aren't going that way." This adage is about not dwelling on the past. Many of us have a tendency to spend more time mentally in the past, rehashing old memories or being nostalgic for what once was, than we do in the present or looking forward to the future. There's nothing wrong with a little reflection, but if most of our focus is in the past, we miss out on the present. Rear view mirrors are for quick glances, not where our focus should be.

"Do the right thing, even if nobody is watching."

This saying is about good character and true integrity. If you notice someone drop a $20 bill and no one is around to see but you, do you give it back to them or do you pick it up and keep it? If you realize that a store didn't charge you for an item, do you point it out and make it right or do you allow the mistake to remain? There are opportunities each day for us to choose between right and wrong, and those choices really speak to who we are if they are made without anyone else knowing.

 integrity, right, wrong, right thing, doing good lisa simpson help GIF  Giphy  

"Be nice to everybody you meet on the way up the ladder. You'll see the same faces on the way down "

Don't get cocky and don't burn bridges you think you won't need to return to. There's value in being kind for its own sake, but there's also the reality that being kind also makes people like you. When people like you, they're more likely to lend you a helping hand, and you never know when you're going to be in a position to need one. It's also a good reminder that you're not inherently better than anyone else just because of where you are in life. We're all constantly in flux, so it's important to stay humble and kind.

In other words, "Make all your words sweet because tomorrow you may have to eat them."

"One of the most powerful negotiating tools is silence."

The power of silence in general is often underrated, but it can be an especially useful tool in a negotiation. Some people are so uncomfortable with silence that they will make concessions simply to avoid it. And sometimes the best response to an unreasonable demand is to just say nothing and stare, letting the other party come to the realization themselves. It takes calm confidence to simply be quiet and let the silence fill the room, which can feel surprisingly intimidating.

"Always listen to your gut, even if you can’t explain it."

Ah, the strange and mysterious sense of intuition that we can't really describe but know when we feel it. Whether it's getting a creepy vibe about a person or a little voice telling you to do or not do something, those "gut instincts" can serve us well. Of course, if we are prone to anxiety, our instincts can sometimes be confused with anxious thoughts, but "go with your gut" is solid advice anyway.

 gut feeling, listen to your gut, go with your gut, intuition, discernment  Listen To It Season 1 GIF by The Roku Channel  Giphy  

“It doesn’t matter what path you’re on if it’s the wrong mountain.”

Sometimes people trying to find their way end up hitting roadblock after roadblock, which may mean they just haven't found the right path yet or might mean they need an entire overhaul of their life. That might look like switching career paths entirely, rather than trying to find a job in your field that fits. It might mean changing majors in the middle of your studies when you find yourself not enjoying any of your classes. It might mean finding a new community or reevaluating your relationships.

"The harder I work, the luckier I get."

Several sayings line up with this one, like "Luck is the intersection of preparation and opportunity," and "Luck favors the prepared mind." There's a lot to be said for fortune and hard work going hand in hand. If we expect good things to just land in our lap, we will likely be disappointed, but if we move in the direction of things we want to happen and do the work of preparing for good things to come our way, "luck" frequently seems to follow.

 luck, hard work, lucky, good luck, napoleon dynamite  Napoleon Dynamite GIF by Ben L  Giphy  

Finding a saying that resonates can be really helpful when we're facing a specific challenge in life, especially when we commit it to memory and repeat it often.

This article originally appeared in March.

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Conservation

Scientists left cinderblocks in a barren part of the sea. 3 months later they were ecstatic.

Coral reefs are dying at alarming rates. Concrete may be a creative solution.

Natural Parks Gallery & Canva Photos

Scientists are turning simple concrete into the building blocks for a healthier ocean.

A viral video has been making the rounds lately that shows a giant (and extremely bizarre) ship opening up at its middle and dropping a metric buttload—that's the official term—of cinderblocks directly into the ocean. The video is fascinating, so much so that I was certain it was AI-generated at first. After all, what kind of ship can part down the middle like that?

Turns out, the video is real! The ship is called a split hopper barge and is often used to transport and deliver dredged soil. Dumping concrete like this looks like the world's worst case of littering, but in actuality, the concrete blocks serve an important purpose that benefits sea life of all varieties.

But how?

 

For answers, look no further than the GARP — that's the Grenada Artificial Reef Project (also known as the Grand Anse Artificial Reef Project or GAARP).

With coral reefs under threat and disappearing all over the world, the team behind the project came up with an interesting solution they wanted to test out.

In 2013, the scientists placed four concrete pyramids (basically, cinderblocks stacked together into something of a tower structure) in a barren part of the Caribbean Sea. The location was just off the coastal beaches of Grenada.

In just 3 months, the pyramids had attracted tons of marine life.

The block pyramids gave shelter to the animals who otherwise had nowhere to hide, nest, or feed in this part of the water. "An initial growth of algae and colourful encrusting sponge was soon followed by a varied range of invertebrates. These included feather duster worms, lobster, crab, and urchins. Excitement developed as we started to see a range of juvenile fish including squirrel fish, goat fish, grunts and scorpionfish," says the official website.

After a year, word must have spread among the fish, because the simple concrete blocks transformed into "buzzing diverse communit[ies] of marine life."

At around 18 months, things started to get really exciting. Stony and brain corals, described as the "building blocks of coral" began to appear on the pyramids.

Over the following 10 years, the project has exploded with more and more coral growing on the blocks and more fish and other sea life moving in. "Each subsequent year more pyramids have been added to increase biomass. GARP is becoming a balanced ecosystem, home to over 30 species of fish, 14 different kinds of corals and many of the invertebrates and algae you would find on a naturally occurring reef."

Today, there are upwards of 100 pyramid blocks in the location. Other, similar projects are taking place in waterways all over the globe.

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

GARP/GAARP isn't the first or only project of its kind. Concrete has been shown again and again to make an excellent shelter for marine life and a perfect launching pad for new coral growth.

People have tried other materials before, to varied results. One such project off the coast of Florida in the 1970s utilized millions (!) of old tires in an effort to create new fish habitats. Called the Osborne Reef, the effort is now considered a major ecological disaster as storms and sea currents have tossed many of the tires around, washing them ashore and even damaging otherwise healthy natural reefs nearby. Talk about a backfire. Major clean up initiatives to undo the damage are still underway.

Specialized concrete structures are heavy enough to stay put in rough conditions and are one of the few things that can withstand years and years of being battered by rough, salty seawater without degrading.

Coral reefs are disappearing around the globe at an alarming rate. Physical damage, both natural and manmade, along with pollution, coral harvesting, global warming, and bleaching wreaks havoc on natural ecosystems under the sea.

Coral reefs aren't just there to look pretty. They dampen waves and currents before they hit land, reducing erosion and protecting people who live on the coast. Reefs are home to a huge variety of marine life who use it for shelter and finding food. And, finally, they're amazing destinations for scientific discovery—new species and even medical treatments are being discovered on reefs all the time!

All that and the very existence of coral reefs may be in jeopardy, according to the EPA.

There's no easy fix to this grave problem. Natural coral reefs take thousands of years to grow and mature. So, even with all the cinderblocks in the world acting as growth platforms, it would be impossible for us to replace all the coral we've already killed or destroyed. Saving our oceans must be a multi-faceted effort, with initiatives that combat pollution and rising sea temperatures in addition to creating artificial reefs.

But projects like GARP/GAARP are an awesome start. They may not save the planet all on their own, but if you ask me, those fish look pretty darn grateful for their new home.

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Animals & Wildlife

Bird expert demystifies spooky 'voices in the woods' folklore with a talking raven

Ravens can actually imitate human voices better than some parrots.

Photo credit: Canva

Ravens can mimic human voices with spooky accuracy.

When you think of a talking bird, you most likely imagine a parrot, right? Parrots are notorious for their ability to learn how to speak, repeating words and phrases they hear from humans and thus making great entertainment for us.

But parrots aren’t the only birds who can imitate human speech, and, in fact, they may not even be the most talented at it. While parrots can mimic a lot of sounds, they usually say words through their own parrot-y voices. We've all imitated a parrot imitating humans in an annoying voice, right? "Polly wanna cracker?" Parrots usually have a distinct vocal quality that sounds almost robot-like.

 animals, parrot, cat, talking birds, bird, funny animals. gif parrot GIF  Giphy  

Ravens, on the other hand, don’t just mimic human words—they can quite accurately mimic individual human voices. If you hear a raven say “Hi,” you might swear it was a real human voice, which is downright spooky.

Amy of the Wings and Wildlands TikTok channel explains that ravens’ ability to mimic might just be an explanation for folklore about people hearing voices or other sounds in the forest. There’s a host of spooky stories, particularly out of Appalachia, about voices in the woods that repeat themselves and move around in the trees. Understandably, that would be a freaky experience and it would be easy to attribute it up to ghosts or spirits or cryptids or other mysterious creatures lurking in the forest. But ravens could very well be a realistic explanation.

@wingsandwildlands

Spooky voices in the wood? #raventok #ravens #talkingraven #talkingbird #appalachianfolklore #wendigo #folklore #fabletheraven

 

Amy's raven, Fable, says "Hi" eerily similarly to her and, in another video, Amy explains that ravens in captivity tend to pick up human speech much more readily than those in the wild might. But that doesn't mean that wild birds couldn't be mimicking sounds they hear frequently. Scientists have identified at least 33 different vocalizations ravens can make, and they are known to mimic other birds in the wild.

To see how different a raven's voice can be when mimicking humans, listen to this raven's "tickle tickle" in a deep, male voice.

@nick.crawford0

Ragnar raven in a lovely chatty and affectionate mood.

 


Ravens are also incredibly intelligent. Scientists put them on the same intelligence level as apes. Because they are so different than humans in pretty much every way, it’s hard to conceive of their intelligence until you see it in action. The sleek black birds are able to solve problems, create and use tools, use deductive reasoning, and more.

But how exactly do they talk? While humans have a larynx, or voice box, that allows us to vocalize, birds have an additional structure below the larynx called a syrinx. The syrinx allows birds to make two sounds at once and makes them able to sing continuously without fatiguing the larynx. Songbirds have particularly well-developed syrinx, and corvids and parrots even more so.

 

  - YouTube  youtu.be  

 

Amy uses her social media accounts to educate people about all kinds of wildlife, but particularly birds. She is a trained falconer and has particular expertise in birds of prey and corvids (the group of birds that includes ravens, crows, jays, magpies, and rooks).

One question people frequently ask about ravens is how to tell them apart from crows. Up close, there are obvious differences—ravens are much larger, have bigger beaks that are curved, have triangular tail feathers in flight, and more. A common saying is, "If you have to ask, it's a crow. If it's a raven, you'll know," as ravens are quite striking. But from a distance, it's not always easy to tell them apart.

Amy made a comprehensive video explaining the differences between ravens and crows that gained over seven million views in a week. Clearly, this is something people are curious about.

@wingsandwildlands

Is it a Raven or a Crow? 🐦‍⬛ 👀 #raven #crow #corvids #howtotiktok #raventok #crowtok #birdwatching

 

Our world is full of weird and wonderful wildlife, and educators like Amy are invaluable in helping us learn more about the creatures that live all around us. You can follow her on TikTok and YouTube for more fascinating bird facts.

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