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Tom Cruise has advice for people with social anxiety, and it's actually pretty great

His words had a "profound impact" on a co-star's life.

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Tom Cruise

Not only can Tom Cruise do his own stunts, he's a good therapist too. His Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One co-star, Haley Atwell, has revealed that she, like so many of us, struggles with social anxiety. On the Reign with Josh Smith podcast, she discusses how it often overwhelms her and makes her want to retreat.

Tom Cruise, mission impossible, stunt, stunt man, actor, filmTom Cruise Mi GIF by Mission: ImpossibleGiphy

But she was saved by incredibly insightful advice from Tom Cruise, which she imparts to the audience. After describing him as a positive "hair dryer" just blowing his positive energy around, Josh asks, "What's the best pep talk he's given you?" Haley answers, "Social anxiety tends to be something that people talk about a lot at the moment. It seems to be quite a buzzword of conversation."

They both agree that everyone has some version of anxiety, whether it's in a big group of people, a new work environment, or even just around a small group of friends. She confesses, "For me, I start to retreat into myself and overthink. 'Do I look weird? Do I seem awkward?' I'm not speaking, I'm just muffling my words or I need something to numb me from this.'"

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Luckily, Cruise has quite a simple way to combat these feelings. "The pep talk he gave me helps, which is that if you walk into a room and feel the anxieties coming, try doing the opposite. Try to look OUT and look around the room and go, 'Where is it? Where is the thing I have attached to my insecurity?'"

The idea is to pinpoint the place where her (or any of our) anxiety might be rooted. "Is it that person over there who reminds me of my high school bully? Is it that person over there who didn't give me a job once?" Once the source is recognized, if possible, Cruise suggests asking yourself, "Where does it live outside of me, and where do I feel like the source might be coming from?"

Haley emphasizes that examining her fear, which Cruise encourages, truly helps the anxiety subside. She continues, "If I look at it for long enough, the anxiety then can have a name. It can have a label and be contained, instead of free-floating, where I'm just in a total struggle internally with my own anxiety." Seeing through this prism, she shares, "If I’m scared of something, if I keep looking at it long enough, it tends to not be the monster under the bed anymore."


Actress, Hayley Atwell, social anxiety, mental health, actingFile:Hayley Atwell.jpg - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.org

Naming the emotion, whether it's jealousy, loneliness, etc., can help you outwardly address it so that it doesn't fester in your mind. She reiterates Cruise's words: "If you're scared of something, just keep looking at it. Try not to look away, and it will often give you information about how to overcome it."

Cruise's advice isn't all that different from many professional therapists. In the blog post, "How to overcome social anxiety: 8 tips and strategies" (clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA, for Calm.com,) ideas on how to overcome social anxiety are given and number one on the list could have been written by Cruise himself: "Identify your triggers," they write, explaining, "The first step to managing social anxiety is understanding what sparks it. Triggers can be unique to each person. Some might find large gatherings intimidating, while for others, it might be public speaking. To identify your triggers, keep a journal of your feelings and the situations that make you anxious. Recognizing these triggers is a crucial step in managing your reactions to them."


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They also suggest, among other ideas, breathing techniques such as the 4-7-8 method: breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 7, and breathing out for 8. They also advise "challenging negative thought patterns." They explain, "Practice challenging these thoughts. Ask yourself: 'Is this thought based on facts or feelings? What's the best thing that could happen?' Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can help reduce feelings of anxiety."

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Health

Feeling lazy, unmotivated, and ashamed of it? Doctor says it could be undiagnosed ADHD.

"75% of adults with anxiety actually have ADHD as the cause of their anxiety."

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Doctor breaks down how to recognize ADHD in adults.

If it seems that everyone is being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), there may be a reason and it's likely not the reason people think. Diagnostic criteria were initially based off of how ADHD presented in white children who were mostly male, so if you fell outside of that box your diagnosis was often overlooked. This is especially true in girls who then turned into undiagnosed or misdiagnosed women.

But it's not just women who were undiagnosed since the criteria mostly included ways in which hyperactivity showed up—you know, the "H" in ADHD. But not everyone with ADHD presents with the stereotypical hyperactivity bit.

That means a lot of kids fell through the cracks and, as kids do, eventually became adults.

ADHD specialist Dr. Heather Brannon breaks down ways in which ADHD is missed and how to identify it in adults in a TEDx Talk in 2021.


adhd, adult adhd, adhd diagnosis, adhd treatment, doctors, ted talk, tedx, mental healthAdults with untreated ADHD may struggle with procrastination, being distracted, and end up feeling shame over their "laziness" Photo by Hiki App on Unsplash

In the first few minutes of the video, Brannon drops a statistic that feels mind-boggling:

"75% of adults with anxiety actually have ADHD as the cause of their anxiety." Even though I fit into that category, consider my mind completely boggled because I thought I was a rarity and my psychiatrist was a magician. Turns out, he was probably just up to date on his continuing education credits.

Brannon talks about how people who may express feelings of overwhelm, anxiousness, and tiredness and who are easily frustrated may actually have undiagnosed ADHD.

It's pretty easy to overlook ADHD that presents with more of the attention deficit part of the diagnosis than the hyperactivity part. When someone is having difficulty sitting still, talking so fast that you can barely keep up, and is constantly on the go, it's pretty easy to pinpoint there may be an issue.

But when the person is quiet, sits still but misses large chunks of conversations, or is chronically forgetful and sleepy, it's much easier to miss the signs, according to Brannon.

Brannon says many people feel bad about themselves without knowing why, so having an answer for why you're feeling this way can be helpful.

The video is really fascinating and may help others recognize signs within themselves or with loved ones. Give it a gander below:


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

In the clip, Brannon introduces us to a theoretical person named Sally.

Sally is successful, creative, and has a Masters degree. She's functioning at a high level by all indications, but Sally struggles with procrastination, getting sidetracked, and feeling unmotivated. She feels lazy and ashamed of it, but she just can't bring herself to change her behavior.

Brannon says that Sally is typical of adults with undiagnosed ADHD. These are people who feel and know something is not quite right with them, but they have no idea what.

As for a little happy ending, Sally eventually finds out that she has ADHD and receives treatment. Brannon says in the video that the right medication can make a world of difference.

"Now [Sally] can have creative thoughts without having that big swirl of ideas running around in her head. She can look at an email to see if she has time to answer or she needs to save it for later. Now Sally can be on time for her appointment, and that frees up the perfectionist that was trying so hard to be on time before and was failing every time."


adhd, adult adhd, adhd diagnosis, adhd treatment, doctors, ted talk, tedx, mental healthWith her ADHD under control, "Sally" is crushing it. Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Brannon says that over the span of her career, she would estimate about 2 or 3 out of 10 adults have undiagnosed ADHD and are living a life of difficulty and shame.

"That's a lot of people who could be feeling a whole lot better," she says.

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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Women's Health

Jennifer Lawrence gets emotional when discussing postpartum depression

"Who am I as a mother?"

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Jennifer Lawrence speaks at San Diego Comic Con.

Part of why so many fans view actress Jennifer Lawrence as such a beloved talent is her ability to get real and very, very raw. She has never shied away from roles that begged her to strip down emotionally and bare everything. In one of her breakthrough roles in the film Winter's Bone, she plays a teenager who must fend for her family in the face of homelessness. In Silver Linings Playbook, she won a Best Actress Oscar for her daring role as a charming woman with mental health issues.

Language might not be suitable for a younger readers.

- YouTube, Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooperwww.youtube.com

She just seems to have a way of adding a bit of "charm-dust" to every part, whether it's action-driven, serious drama, or something in between. In her latest film, Die, My Love,(described as a comedy/horror) she plays a woman suffering from postpartum depression and psychosis as she watches her marriage dissolve. Based on the novel by Ariana Harwicz, this film adaptation is written and directed by Lynne Ramsay, who is known to push uncomfortable boundaries in her movies. The film, co-produced by Martin Scorsese, received a six minute standing ovation upon its premiere.

At Cannes, Jennifer gave an unexpectedly candid interview at a press conference. She admits she isn't usually an actress who "takes her work home," but in this case, as a mother with one on the way during filming, she knew all too well about mental health issues that often come with post-pregnancy. When discussing her character in the film, she shares, "Yes, a part of what she's going through is the hormonal imbalance that comes with postpartum. But she's also having an identity crisis."

Her eyes begin getting wet as she asks, "'Who am I as a mother? Who am I as a wife? Who am I as a sexual person to my husband? Who am I as a creative?"

She vulnerably adds, "And I think she's plagued with this feeling that she's disappearing. So for me, I was four and a half, five months pregnant when we shot. Great hormones, feeling great—which is really kind of the only way I was able to dip into this visceral emotion."

She adds a nod to her writer and director, saying, "Also, in terms of answering any question about my acting or performance at all, I have Lynne Ramsay as my director, so that's kind of it."

The comment section of the Deadline Instagram reel was bright with support for both the film and Jennifer herself. Comedian Chelsea Handler topped the section by writing, "Love everything Jen says and does." Another person wrote, "She's so real," with one more adding, "She just described every new mother."

One commenter notes, "She's a mom. She's gonna make it personal. I hope she stays true to her own motherhood."

To that point, in a different clip from the same press conference posted on YouTube by Page Six, Jennifer goes into detail about what having children feels like to her. "It changes everything. It's brutal and incredible. I didn't know I could feel so much, and my job has a lot to do with emotion. They've opened up the world to me. It's almost like feeling like a blister or something—so sensitive. So they've changed my life, obviously for the best, and they've changed me creatively."

Jennifer Lawrence in a press conference at Cannes Film Festivalwww.youtube.com, Page Six

In terms of how being a new mom affected her role, she says, "Obviously, as a mother, it was really kind of hard to kind of separate what 'I would do' as opposed to what she would do. And it was just heartbreaking. When I first read the book… I had just had my firstborn. And there's not anything like postpartum. It's extremely isolating… The truth is, extreme anxiety and extreme depression is isolating, no matter where you are. You feel like an alien, and it so deeply moved me."

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Health

Therapists reveal the five things you should never say to someone with anxiety

"Your feelings make sense."

www.publicdomainpictures.net, Free Stock Photo

A man looks anxious.

Anxiety disorder affects nearly one-fifth of the population—just in the U.S. alone. NAMI.org reports that over 19 percent of Americans suffer from an anxiety disorder, which should be distinguished from regular, run-of-the-mill "adrenaline" nerves that someone might get from public speaking or being stuck in traffic.

For those in the know, it can feel debilitating at times. As with many mental health diagnoses, there's a range of severity and causes. We're either "born with it" genetically, or a traumatic event may have occurred that triggers it. No matter why or "how badly" it occurs, it can feel especially isolating to those who endure it—and to those who want to help but don't know what to say or do. Therapy can help - and when needed, medication. But understanding it, for everyone involved, can be tricky.

- YouTube Clip about anxietywww.youtube.com, Psych Hub

Anxiety is not like a cold you can catch and treat with an antibiotic. It's hard to explain exactly what it feels like to someone who doesn’t experience it. The best way I can describe it is that you're always sitting in the uncomfortable cesspool of anticipation.

I don't just mean existential angst like, "Is there an afterlife?" or "Will I die alone?" I mean, like this: "Will my car shut down in a busy intersection? What if I need a root canal again someday? (I will.) Will he call? What if my dog walker forgets to come while I'm temping? What if someone runs a red light? Did I say the right thing at the party? Am I shrill? What's my blood pressure?" Are you exhausted yet? Imagine big and small questions like this running continuously on a loop through the grey matter of a brain, dipping in and out of the logic in the frontal lobe and then click, click, clicking as it gets snagged on a jagged edge and repeats… again and again and again.

anxiety, spinning, looping, mental healthA record spins on a loop.Giphy GIF by Shingo2

Though well-intentioned, there are solutions people often offer that—at least for me—tend to make the tension worse. Many mental health therapists have weighed in on the phrases best to avoid and have offered more helpful alternatives.

1) On laureltherapy.net, they begin with the old chestnut: "JUST RELAX."

When every synapse in your brain is on high alert, someone telling you to "just bring it down a notch" only makes it worse. It's literally the opposite of what your brain chemistry (and not by choice) is doing. It's similar to "Just calm down," which for the same reason, can feel dismissive and unhelpful.

They offer instead: "I'M HERE FOR YOU." It acknowledges your discomfort and gives a soft space to fall.

2) Another sentence to avoid: "YOU'RE TOO SENSITIVE."

This would be like telling someone with a physical disability that it's their fault. Instead, they offer: "YOUR FEELINGS MAKE SENSE."

Sometimes you just want to feel seen/heard—especially by those closest to you. The last thing one needs is to feel bad about already feeling bad.

3) On Everydayhealth.com, Michelle Pugle (as reviewed by Seth Gillihan, PhD) cites Helen Egger, MD, and gives this advice:

Don't say "YOU'RE OVERTHINKING IT."

She gives a few options to try instead, but my favorite is: "YOU'RE SAFE."

It might sound cheesy, but when I'm really spinning, it's nice to know someone is by my side and not judging my mind for thinking differently than theirs.

4) Pugle also advises against saying "WORRYING WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING."

I can't tell you how often this gets said to me and while—perhaps—it’s true, it again implies there's nothing one can do in a moment of panic. She writes:

"Trying to soothe someone’s anxiety by telling them their thoughts aren’t productive, worthwhile, or that they’re a waste of time also invalidates their feelings and may even leave them feeling more distressed than before," Egger explains.

Instead, try: "DO YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO TAKE YOUR MIND OF THINGS?"
This gives the impression that someone is actually willing to help and participate, not just critique.

5) "IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD."
The late Carrie Fisher once wrote about how much she hated when people would say that to her—as if that were somehow comforting. To paraphrase, her response was essentially: "I know. it's my head Get it out of there!"


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Laurel Therapy suggests instead to try: "ANXIETY CAN BE REALLY TOUGH." Personally, I'd prefer: "HOW CAN I HELP?"

While it might at times feel frustrating, the key, when dealing with anxiety, is to be cognizant that you're not shaming or condescending.

Here are a few more concepts that help me:

GRATITUDE

I saw a movie called About Time a few years ago written by Richard Curtis who has a propensity to get sappy. But this quote is bloody beautiful: "I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life." I simply love the idea of pretending like we've time traveled to every single moment of our lives on purpose. And this especially helps the anxious-prone because if it's true that we're always tooling around in an unpredictable future rather than sitting where time wants us to be, it makes sense that we were there and have come back to a moment to show it respect. To view every day and every thought as a gift instead of a fear. Now that is something.

BREATHE

I'm sure you've heard about the benefits of meditation. They are true. I have seen the practice of minding your breath and sitting still make huge differences in those close to me. I have not been able to make meditation a part of my daily routine, but that doesn't mean I can't strive to. (Try, try again.) I do partake in Yoga and I find it helps slow my mind down considerably.

KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS

Our amygdales (the part of the brain, which among other roles, elicits our response to threats, real or perceived) can play nasty tricks on us. We are not the sum total of every thought we've ever had. On the contrary, I believe that we are what we do, not what we think. Our anxiety (or depression) doesn't have to define us, especially when we know we're responding to many threats that don't even exist. We can be of service to others instead. Volunteer when possible or simply be kind to those around you every day. That is what makes us who we are. Personally, that idea soothes me.

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