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'Marriage only benefits men': Texas UPS driver gets real about why men aren't getting prenups

Who's taking the real risk here?

via Elvert Barnes/Flickr

A UPS driver on his phone.

It’s common to hear about a man who was well off while married but who, after a divorce, is financially struggling and blames his ex-wife and her lawyer for his lot in life. Abby Eckel, a popular content creator who discusses the inequities of domestic labor in relationships, asks why more men don’t get prenuptial agreements.

“Why aren't more men asking for prenups, or why aren't more men asking for postnups if they're under the belief that they will get taken for everything that they have in the event of a divorce?" she asked. “There's a 50% chance that you're gonna get a divorce. Why are you not asking for prenups and post-nups? I genuinely want to know what the reason is if you feel like you have so much to lose in the event of a divorce, why are you not protecting yourself?”

Why aren't men getting prenups?

@abbyeckel

I am genuinely asking. Why dont men ask for a prenuptial agreement before getting married? Lots of men have told me that there is no benefit to them in getting married, and that the risk is far greater in the event of a divorce. That they will be put into financial ruin in the event of a divorce, therefore getting married, simply isn’t worth it for them. So why aren’t more men asking for prenuptial agreements, or even post nuptial agreements, in order to protect themselves from said financial ruin? #divorce #marriage

The video caught the attention of J.R. Minton, a Dallas-area UPS driver and popular TikTok user with four kids and a stay-at-home wife who talks about family life. Minton flipped the script on Eckel’s question by revealing something that many men would have a hard time saying: most men aren’t successful until they get married and have the support of an amazing woman. Therefore, they didn't need a prenup when they got married.

“Men are more likely to be successful if they are married and women are more likely to be successful if they are single,” Minton said, before singing the praises of stay-at-home women.

Stay-at-home moms make a lot of sacrifices

“Whenever a child is born, a woman is typically the person that takes off time to take care of the child, and if there's a stay-at-home parent, most often it's going to be a mom. While some men like to say that that is a privilege for the woman, what it really is is a financial risk that the woman is taking, Minton said. “She is not furthering her career; she is dependent upon another person to be successful so that she can continue to take care of the children she's taking a financial risk for the sake of her family.”

On the other hand, because of the woman’s sacrifice, when she should be in the prime of her career, the man can thrive. He develops connections and skills and gets promotions, while she spends most of her time at home.

stay at home mom, sahm, laundry, upset woman, pile of clothesA stay-at-home mom can't stand the laundry. via Canva/Photos

A lot of the women in the comments loved Minton’s honesty. “This man needs protection at all costs....his honesty is brutal to men,” one woman wrote. “My husband flat out says that he wouldn't have made it as far in his career as he has without me sacrificing what I have to stay home with our kids,” another added.

Minton wasn’t wrong when he said that men experience a much larger boost in income when they become married than women do. That has a lot to do with the pressures of childbearing that overwhelmingly fall on women. That’s probably why 85% of all married people say they've never signed a prenup, but 56% of those who’ve signed one had a previous marriage.

“So how come men don't want a prenup for their marriage?” Minton concludes his response to Eckel’s question. “Most men don't have very much before they get married. They become successful after the marriage.”

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Family

A dad's steamy shower door photo represents a sweet recognition of his wife's work

"I literally just sat there and stared at the glass and smiled. I could see it, I imagined it."

Photo credit: Canva

A little recognition goes a long way.

Anyone who has been a stay-at-home mom knows that it's not easy. But many people who haven't been one assume that it can't be that hard. What's so difficult about taking care of a baby or a toddler or two? Don't babies basically just lie there? Don't you have all kinds of free time while they nap?

It's hard to describe what it's like to those who haven't experienced the near-constant demands of hands-on, full-time mothering. There's no job description that compares to being a mom. It's wonderful in a million ways, but it's friggin' hard, and it's normal in those early years of staying home with wee ones to feel totally and completely spent by the end of the day.

Many moms lament that their husbands don't seem to understand why they are so exhausted when "all they do" is "just stay home" with the kids all day, which is probably why this dad's photo of a steamy shower door has resonated with so many.

It reads:

"I came home yesterday evening after working 12 hours. I went into the bathroom to get cleaned up and ready for dinner. I noticed my daughter's bassinet in the bathroom.

I asked my wife if she had put her in there, and how she did in it. She said she put her in it as she had showered during the day. We continued to talk about how good she had been and how much she's growing up and so forth.

This morning I came home from the gym and turned the shower on to get cleaned up for work. I turned to the door and saw where my wife wiped away the steam from the glass, so she could see our baby girl in the bassinet.

baby, baby in bassinet, parenting, motherhood, family lifeBabies are adorable, but they take a lot of work.Photo credit: Canva

I literally just sat there and stared at the glass and smiled. I could see it, I imagined it, it was like I was there in the room with them. I could see Heather just looking through the glass and making faces at Lottie as she smiled and played in her bassinet! I just melted!

It's so crazy to me, how the smallest things can make me so appreciative of my wife. It's the little sacrifices my wife makes for this family, that would normally go unnoticed. From caring for our daughter 24/7, to caring for me, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the animals, and taking care of herself (yeah right, there's no time for that.)

It just makes me stop and think.

I work hard. I work long 10-12 hours days, I get tired, I have stressful days and that's my right, as the working member in the household. I have the right to be catered to hand and foot when I get off?!?

All she does is have to take care of a baby.

So, it should be that she cooks, and keeps the house clean, dishes washed, laundry clean and put up, animals tended to... and I'm a man, have I mentioned my needs yet?!?

mom, laundry, stay at home mom, toddler, housworkThe work of a stay at home mom never ends.Photo credit: Canva

I mean seriously, she's at home all day after all!

Mannnnn... I can't tell you how much this fogged up glass means to me!

The fact that my wife can't even shower without caring for someone else; tending to someone else's needs. She doesn't get a second to herself to relax.

My wife doesn't get to clock out, my wife doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing a check deposited in the bank in return for her hard work, my wife doesn't get to eat lunch with coworkers, my wife doesn't get to just walk outside and just take a deep breath.

This may be just a fogged-up piece of glass to some, but to me it means so much more. It's the little things like this that don't go unnoticed. it's the little things like this that constantly remind me how badass she is. it's the little things like this that make me fall in love with her all over again, Heather Williams!

Thank you for being the amazing woman you are... it doesn't go unnoticed!

I love you My Queen. 👑 ❤️"

woman in shower, moms, motherhood, childcare, family lifeShowers can feel like a luxury when you have little ones.Photo credit: Canva

The fact that he saw in this smeared glass the sacrifices his wife makes being home with their baby is wonderful.

Some will say this dad doesn't deserve a cookie simply for seeing his wife, but so many stay-at-moms would love to receive this kind of acknowledgement from their partners.

The reality is when you are taking care of a baby, you are "on" all the time. When the baby is asleep, you might get a chance to do some housework. Or you maybe get to close your eyes for a few moments to try to make up for the lack of sleep you got the night before from the baby waking you up to eat. Sometimes the kiddo won't stop crying and your nerves get fried by noon. Sometimes it's 2:00 in the afternoon, you're covered in breastmilk and spit up, you haven't showered, and you can't figure out where the time has gone. Once your baby is crawling or toddling, you can't take your eyes off them or they might literally die. There's pee and poop and every other bodily fluid you can think of, all day, every day. It's non-stop attention, non-stop need-meeting, non-stop love, but also non-stop work.

And then people ask you what you do all day.

More shower door recognition please, partners. The mother of your children will most definitely appreciate it.

This article originally appeared six years ago.

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The Gen X 'stay at home mom' crisis is real, but what's the solution?

Some moms in their 40s feel like they were lied to about what their "resume gap" would mean.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

40-something moms who stayed home to be with their kids are finding themselves in uncharted waters.

A few generations ago, parents had pretty clearly defined roles with the dad generally being the breadwinner and the mom being the homemaker and stay-at-home mother. Then, in 1848, the women's rights movement in the United States began with a powerful second wave coming in the 1960s and 70s, empowering women in the workplace, ushering in the era of two working parents, and producing an entire generation of "latchkey kids."

Now those Gen X latchkey kids are parenting Gen Z, with the pendulum of working motherhood having swung somewhat to the middle. We were raised to believe we could be anything we dreamed of being and that we didn't have to choose between being a mom and having a career. Gen X also became mothers during the heyday of parenting self-help books that impressed upon us the importance of attachment and hands-on childrearing, as well as the era of super-scheduled kids, whose activities alone require a full-time manager.

As a result, those of us in our 40s have raised our kids straddling two worlds—one where women can have all of the career success we desire and one where we can choose to be stay-at-home moms who run seemingly effortless households. At first, we were told we could have it all, but when the impossibility of that became clear, we were told, "Well, you can have it all, just not at the same time." But as many moms are finding as their kids start leaving the nest, even that isn't the full truth.

in 2023, a Facebook post by Karen Johnson, aka The 21st Century SAHM (short for "stay-at-home mom") nailed the reality many stay-at-home moms in their 40s are facing as they find themselves floundering with the glaring gap in their resumes.


"This is for all the moms in their 40s who put their careers on hold to do the SAHM thing because you knew you couldn't do both—career you loved and motherhood—and do both WELL, so you picked, saying to yourself, 'This is just for now and we'll see,'" Johnson wrote. "But now it's 15 years later and so much has changed in your career field that you know you can't go back. So really, when you 'took a break' all those years ago, you gave it up."

Johnson explained that yes, moms know they should be grateful for the time they've had with their kids. Most are. That's not the issue. Whether a woman chose to be a stay-at-home mom because she really wanted to or because childcare costs didn't work in the financial equation of the family, the transition out of it feels like completely uncharted waters.

"Okay, so you're looking for a 'career' with part-time hours and a 100% flexible schedule because you're still Mom-on-duty but you do have *just* enough hours during the day to reflect on the fact that you *do* have a college degree (maybe even 2) and although being a mom is the greatest and most important job in the world, you *might* actually want something more to your life than folding laundry and running hangry children to 900 events and remembering that they're all due for dental cleanings," she wrote.

Yup. The "default parent" role is real and weighted heavily toward moms as it is. For stay-at-home moms, it's 100% expected, and that doesn't suddenly end when it's time to start thinking about joining the workforce again.

And, of course, moms barely have time to try to figure all of this out.

woman in white long sleeve shirt holding brown and white labeled can

A working mom is the ultimate multitasker.

Photo by Memento Media on Unsplash

So, as Johnson says, "But for now, you cram yourself into the only pair of jeans you have right now that fit and find a t-shirt on the floor that isn't clean but isn't dirty and will pass for the 4 hours of mom-taxiing you're about to do and you tell yourself, 'I'll figure it out another day. Right now, I gotta get the kids to practice.'" Oof.

Johnson's entire post is worth a read, as it resonates with so many women at this stage of life. But just as telling are the comments from women who not only see themselves in Johnson's description but who feel like they were sold a bill of goods early in their motherhood. So many of us were led to believe that the skills and experiences of managing a family would be valued in the workplace simply because they should be and that the gap in their resume wouldn't matter.

"This hits hard. I am right there too. And all those volunteer hours & leadership positions people said would look good on my resume when I once again applied for jobs? Those people all lied. It means squat," wrote one person.

"Thank you! You spoke my heart. 42 this year, resigned from teaching almost 12 years ago, and never been more confused about my personal future, or exhausted in my present," shared another.

"I’ve never related to a post more in my life! THANK YOU. Your words perfectly summarize the loneliest, most important job in the world and how that perspective shifts in your 40s. It is confusingly beautiful," wrote another.

Some moms have chosen to see their post-stay-at-home era as a fresh start to learn something new, which might lend some inspiration to others.

woman carrying baby with two ladies beside her smiling

Beginnings are often rough, but that's okay.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

There is hope in the comments, too.

"I went back for my master’s degree at 47 years old. I’m now 50 in a new career I love and my husband is doing just fine pulling his weight with after school/carpool/dinner. Happy for the years I stayed home, happy with this new season too," shared one person.

"Yuuuup. I decided to go back to grad school at 45. It’s insane but every term I complete I’m like - omg I’m doing it! So don’t let sweaty out of shape bodies and carpool fatigue stop you. I take naps and write grad school papers and have meltdowns where I cry from the frustration of it all - but dammit I’m doing it!" wrote another.

One mom who is past this stage also offered some words of encouragement:

"So incredibly well written. I feel all these things and did throughout my 40s. Now I'm in my early '50s and I'm so glad I was able to stay home with my kids, but the guilt! The guilt of not using my education, the judgment of people who don't understand why someone would stay home with their kids, the social engineering... We just eat each other alive sometimes don't we? I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it is a very lonely road and one you always question. I can tell you that all three of my kids were so grateful to have a full-time parent. I might not have always been the best, but they were glad to always have someone to talk to if they needed it. It's hard to fill other people's buckets when your bucket isn't full, but the rewards do come back when the kids tell you thank you for everything that you've done. ❤️"

Being a mom is hard, period. Working moms have it hard, stay-at-home moms have it hard, moms who have managed to keep one foot in the career door and one foot in the home have it hard. There's a lot that society could do to support moms more no matter what path they choose (or find themselves on—it's not always a conscious choice), from providing paid maternity leave to greater flexibility with work schedules to retirement plans that account for time away from the workplace. Perhaps that would at least make the many choices moms have today feel more like freedom and less like choosing between a rock and a hard place.


This article originally appeared two years ago.

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Motherhood

New study determines the whopping yearly dollar value of a mother's work

Mom's aren't asking for a paycheck, but even just a smidge of support would be nice.

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Moms carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. We know about the mental load and the stress and the impossible-to-meet expectations, but then there’s the physical workload, too: The hours of cleaning done every year, countless loads of laundry, untold amounts of time shuttling kids back and forth to school and friends’ houses and practice, the dozens of quick trips to the store and hours spent meal planning and cooking. If you were going to pay a person to do all of that for you, there’s no telling what it might cost! Or is there?

A new study from the folks at Insure.com has done the math and estimated that the average mother’s “salary”, a fair wage to compensate for all the hours worked — that normally go completely uncompensated! — would be $140,315.

That's up from the same group's estimate of $116,022 in 2021. A separate study also done in 2021 put the number at around $184k.

The number isn't pulled from thin air. It's based on the fair market value of real work.

mom in white long sleeve shirt reading to baby in white onesie Photo by Wesley Mc Lachlan on Unsplash

The team used the Bureau of Labor and Statistics to find out how much money, on average, a cook makes, and then multiplied that number by the hours moms spend cooking. Then you have the cost of a tutor times the hours mom spends helping with homework. And so on.

To put it into perspective, that’s a sweet six figure salary, more than your average accountant or consultant makes, and not far off from the salary of a pediatrician! Sadly, not only do moms not get paid for their efforts, we actually often view the time spent parenting and running a household as worthless. Just ask any mom that’s tried to re-enter the working world after taking a few years off to stay at home how valuable that experience is.

Worse still, a lot of moms pull off this ridiculous workload while holding down a full-time job that probably doesn't even pay as much!

Of course, moms aren’t actually asking to be paid for all this labor (though they wouldn’t mind).

Some groups have actually proposed regular stipends for moms, but generally, people don't get paid for taking care of their own lives. It'd be great if we all earned extra cash by doing our laundry or mowing our own lawn, or even taking care of our children.

Instead of forking over $140k per year to every mother in America — we could ask the kids to pay, but I don’t think most of their piggy banks have enough scratch — we should be asking why it's so damn hard to be a mom in the first place, and if there are ways that we could ease up some of that workload. In fact, there are:


mom hugging child Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

Affordable childcare. Childcare workers are underpaid, too, and yet somehow daycare is completely unaffordable for many families. It’s not worth it for a lot of moms to pursue a career when they’re just going to hand over their entire paycheck, and then some, to daycare. The government could and should invest in subsidies or a universal childcare program to make this more accessible.

Retirement and insurance options. Many other countries have figured out ways to account for some of the value of stay-home caregivers by making contributions to a pension or retirement. Most experts agree that stay-at-home moms need life insurance, but... who's paying for it? Remember, that $140k is only hypothetical. Attaching a number to the work moms do, especially stay-at-home moms, seems like an exercise just to prove a point – but it’s actually more practical than that. It illustrates the need for society to recognize how much it would actually cost to replace everything that a mom does if the unthinkable were to occur.

Helping moms get back to work (if they want to). Ever heard of the motherhood penalty? It's the idea that the wage gap, which is already substantial, is even worse for moms. They earn about 71 cents for every dollar that a dad earns in the workplace. It's also harder for them to re-enter the workforce if they took time off to stay-at-home, and once there, they're more likely to get passed up for promotions. Some estimates say being a mom costs working women about $16,000 a year. (Yeesh, this is really adding up.)

woman holding baby sitting on green grass field under sunset Photo by Edward Cisneros on Unsplash

Fathers do a lot of unpaid labor at home too, but the proverbial deck is really stacked against mothers.

There is still a large disparity in who’s doing more around the house and with the kids, and it’s much more common for moms to stay at home, work part time, or otherwise sacrifice their career and earning potential. When you add it all up, $140,000 sounds like a lot of money but it's really barely scratching the surface. There's no cook in the world that can replace mom's love-filled recipes, no driving-service that could replicate laughing and singing along with mom on the way to school. I think if you were to take that money and actually try to replace everything a mom does, you'd quickly discover about a million little things that could never, ever be accounted for.

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