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Two newer 'love languages' reignite an ongoing debate about the cultural phenomenon

Our love language is science.

love languauge, physical touch, quality time, gift giving, relationships
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Different ways to express the language of love.

Move over, "physical touch." There are a couple of newer love languages in town. The question is, how are any of these so-called languages quantified? In the never-ending effort to understand one another, people have come up with various ways to learn how to connect and empathize. For Carl Jung, it was his book Psychological Types. For John Gray, it was Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. And for Baptist pastor Gary Chapman, it was an early ’90s book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

In this extremely popular self-help book—it sold over 20 million copies—Chapman wrote about how couples (and this could also apply to friendships, family, etc.) give and receive affection. The "love languages," as he famously named them, are: "Words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, acts of service, and physical touch." Of course, most people have a combination of preferences, but the idea is that if one could rank them, the people in their lives could know how to best express love.

In the last couple of years, as mentioned, two new love languages were revealed by the online dating site eharmony's "Dating Trends Report." They are: "Shared Experience," and "Emotional Security." The report explains that after surveying clients, "Nearly half of respondents aren’t sure the five love languages encompass the way they express and prefer to receive love. Shared experiences (adventuring and expanding yourself with someone) resonate most as a new love language (38%), followed closely by emotional security (feeling emotionally seen and taken care of) (35%)."


But there's a catch. There are plenty of researchers who claim there isn't enough scientific support to back the idea that love languages even really exist in the first place. While Chapman's notion might have been created as a relationship tool, some say none of it is rooted in empirical evidence. Despite the book's popularity, in an article by Gery Karantzas, associate professor in social psychology/relationship science at Deakin University, for The Conversation.com Karantzas writes, "Let’s turn to research testing a core premise of the love language theory: that couples with matching love languages experience greater satisfaction than those who do not. Evidence for this premise is very mixed."

In fact, Karantzas cites three research studies, "including one that used Chapman’s Love Language Quiz, [that] have found that couples with matching love languages were no more satisfied than couples who were mismatched."

Not shockingly, people have some opinions on Reddit. Just two months ago, an OP posted, "Love languages aren't real and we really need to stop pretending they are." They cite a post on Medium that discusses how dangerous the notion can be, as it encourages people to settle for less than what they want. "Oh he never compliments me? That's just his love language." (A 2024 article for BBC's The Science Focus, agrees with this take, noting that leaning too heavily into love languages could actually harm your relationship.)

love, love language, romantic, dating, relationships A man and a woman hold hands at sunset. Photo by Ryan Holloway on Unsplash

The OP's post got over a thousand upvotes and hundreds of comments. Many agree, but there is quite a lot of pushback. One person writes, "Do I think they're scientifically bogus? Yes. Does it provide a decent conceptual framework for people to communicate what resonates most with them in terms of receiving and reciprocating love and acts of care? Also yes. Like pretty much everything the public and social media spheres get their hands on, these concepts become weaponized."

This person puts it succinctly: "All models are wrong, some are useful. Love languages is a flawed model of human psychology but a useful way to communicate needs between two people."

Another added onto the initial agreement, writing: "Right, it's not gospel or fact, but it's a good approach to starting conversation about the division of labor in a relationship."

Lastly, this person backed up the OP with this one quip: "If love is a language, I'm mute."

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Woman gives tour of her $650 New York micro apartment and people were unprepared

Could you live in this apartment?

incognito7nyc/Flickr & Canva Photos

A woman ruffled some feathers with a tour of her $650 NYC micro apartment.

They say New York City is the City of Dreams. Young people all over the world flock to the city when they're ready to start chasing after their biggest ambitions. If you have a passion for theater, television, or the arts, there's no better place to be. Want to become a successful and prestigious stock broker, lawyer, or investment banker? It's all New York, baby. It's a city of immense opportunity and tough competition, but that's what makes it full of life and culture for those who choose to live there.

But all of that doesn't come cheap. The average rent in New York for even just a small, studio apartment is $3,264 per month. That buys you less than 500 square feet. And, even though it seems like you're really pinching pennies by living somewhere so cramped, that price tag is enormous! Even if you account for the higher-than-average salaries in New York.

Most young people just getting started in their careers can't afford that. Not to mention, the competition for good-quality apartments in New York is cutthroat. Still, people are desperate to live there by any means necessary, which has given rise to some really fascinating (and, in some cases, slightly horrifying) micro apartments.

In 2023, one woman went viral for showing off her New York micro apartment. It clocks in at just 80 square feet and cost her, at the time, a meager $650 per month.

new york, new york living, NYC, tiny apartment, micro apartment, apartment tour, budgeting, gen z, millennials, american dream If you like spending all your money on rent, New York is awesome! Giphy

YouTuber Caleb Simpson interviewed the woman, Alaina, for his channel that specializes in featuring interesting and unique living spaces. Alaina's apartment definitely qualifies, though technically the square footage is 80x150, because she's including the vertical space. Every square inch counts!

"So really it just feels like a walk-in closet," Simpson remarks upon entering through the front door.

Alaina shows Simpson around the apartment, which includes a tiny living room slash kitchen area with a mini-fridge, a small sink, and a small stove and microwave. In the main living area, she's placed a fold-out sofa of sorts. Alaina's makeup and pantry foods are all crammed into one small cabinet.

From there...well, there's not much left to see. But Alaina and Simpson check out the loft, which holds Alaina's bed and a little extra storage in the form of hooks where she hangs her bags and purses.

The apartment has no windows. There is a storage cupboard under the stairs, but it's hard to access.

"Every time I want to get something out, something else has to move," Alaina says.

As far as a bathroom, Alaina is lucky enough to have her very own private bathroom complete with shower! Many New York micro apartments feature communal or shared bathrooms, so the private bath is a plus for this tiny space. However, hers is located separate from her apartment, down the hall. And, you might be surprised to hear, it's extremely tiny.

Alaina admits she previously lived in a "luxury" apartment that cost over $3,000 per month, but she wanted to free up money to travel, which prompted her to downgrade.

Watch the whole tour here:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Alaina says her tiny apartment was a "hot commodity" when she signed the lease, beating out tons of other prospective renters.

Commenters on the video, which has a staggering 24 million views, were more or less horrified at the conditions that New Yorkers were competing over:

"Firetrap . No exits , no windows with fresh air . Cooking with no air flow . Crazy this is even happening"

"I can't even breathe looking at this tiny apartment"

"'In a van, down by the river' has never sounded better."

"NYC should be ashamed and embarrassed to relegate people to live in this kind of space. Not only does it look uncomfortable / unhealty but It looks extremely dangerous. NYC should do better in providing affordable housing with decent square footage."

It's cool and scrappy that Alaina makes the pint-sized apartment work for her as she pursues her dream of living in New York City. We might find it claustrophobic, but the fact that multiple renters were fighting over this space really says a lot about the way our culture is moving.

Younger millennials and Gen Z are sick of chasing after the American Dream of the single-family home with a white picket fence and a golden retriever.

new york, new york living, NYC, tiny apartment, micro apartment, apartment tour, budgeting, gen z, millennials, american dream The City That Never Sleeps Giphy

It's hopelessly out of reach for many of them anyway due to skyrocketing housing prices and stagnant wages. So, they can work their fingers to the bone with multiple jobs and maybe afford a slightly better apartment, but still not be able to save enough for the future—or they could actually enjoy their life with the money they do have.

NBC News writes, "Several years out of Covid lockdowns, younger Americans’ outlays on things like travel, recreation and dining out have been outpacing their older peers’ even as the economy slows. As of last summer, the average Gen Zer or millennial was dropping over $400 a month on nonessentials, compared to about $250 for Gen Xers and less than $200 for baby boomers."

In another YouTube interview, Alaina admits to spending big money on her monthly gym membership: over $300 per month, to be exact. Commenters chastised her for having her priorities mixed up, but honestly, there's nothing backwards at all about wanting to relax at your gym's spa after a long day of work, or travel to the far ends of the world, versus spending all of your money on an OK-but-still-crappy apartment.

In an update in the YouTube video's caption, Simpson writes that Alaina chose not to renew her lease in the micro apartment after filming. But that doesn't mean she regrets her stay.

"It's an adventure," Alaina says. "People need a lot less than they think they need."

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Mom accidentally sleeps with phone on silent and wakes up to heart-stopping 'emergency'

Other moms could definitely relate.

Photo credit: Canva

Every parent has been through some version of this.

It’s a top-tier parenting nightmare: accidentally putting your phone on silent before bed and waking up to a ton of rapid-fire missed calls from your child. Of course, your brain goes over every worst-case scenario, your heart skips a beat, the panic sets in…and then…BAM! Turns out, it was the complete opposite of an emergency. All those gray hairs for nothing.

This was the situation that mom Meredith Thornton found herself in after waking up to a slew of back-to-back missed calls from her 18-year-old son Van, made in the wee hours right after he was supposed to have gotten off from work.

Thornton told Today that she normally keeps her phone with full volume next to her at night so that her kids would “know I'm always available.” She added that her family had faced “legit emergencies” in the past, so the thought of her grown kiddos being on their own on the road at night still made her uneasy.

So, understandably, when she woke up to those missed calls, she thought for sure a “car wreck, or a mental health issue” had occurred, and she “nearly had a heart attack.”

But as we see in the next slide of her TikTok, the “emergency” in question was Van needing a Microsoft code…which had apparently been sent to her email. Phew.

@ironmanmamma I legit almost had a heart attack especially since I slept through the calls. #adultkids #adultchildren #genx #microsoft #momsoftiktok ♬ Very Sad - Enchan


Thornton told Today that she suspected other parents might relate to this anxiety-inducing moment, hence why she posted it. Boy was she correct. Over three million people have viewed the clip so far, and countless parents have shared similarly harrowing scares.

"Girl!! 11 messages from my son asking about Roblox code and I’m thinking he been kidnapped.”

“It’s always an emergency when they need the code.”

"I was legitimately on a stage speaking to over 300 people. I keep my phone on silent, but I use it to know the time. My son called eleven times in a row. I apologized to the audience and turned my mic off and took the call. 'Can I spend 7 dollars on roblox.' Thank God it was all teachers."

"What about the text messages that just say….MOM followed by absolutely nothing else."

"Ooooh I get those. Heart attack city."

"This happened to me last weekend. And my kids were calling because A BEAR WAS OUTSIDE THEIR TENT."

Others could also feel young Van’s dilemma. One viewer quipped, “I mean, those codes are only good for 12 minutes.”

Even the official Microsoft account chimed in, writing, “No bc we get it 🥀”

For parents who want to avoid these snafus in the future, here’s a pretty simple hack: go to your kiddo’s contact info, then select Ringtone or Text Tone. Finally, turn on the Emergency Bypass toggle for the desired contact and notification type (call or text). And voilá, whether on silent or in Do Not Disturb mode, you won’t miss the call…be it for actual emergencies, or passcode requests.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Still, we really feel for your plight, Thornton. Hopefully, you can still get a good night’s sleep after this!

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Married couple says the '3-Hour Night' hack has totally improved their marriage

“It's been so fun and such...a game changer for how our evenings go.”

@racheleehiggins/TikTok

Want out of a relationship rut? The Three hour night might be the perfect solution.

Almost every long term relationship suffers from a rut eventually. That goes especially for married partners who become parents and have the added responsibility of raising kids. Maintaining a connection is hard enough in this busy, fast-paced world. Top it off with making sure kids are awake, dressed, entertained, well fed, oh yeah, and alive…and you best believe all you have energy for at the end of the day is sitting on the couch barely making it through one episode of your favorite show on Netflix.

And yet, we know how important it is to maintain a connection with our spouses. Many of us just don’t know how to make that happen while juggling a million other things. According to one mom, a “three-hour night” could be just the thing to tick off multiple boxes on the to-do list while rekindling romance at the same time. Talk about the ultimate marriage hack.

bored, couple, marriage hack, man ywaning, concerned woman A couple that has lost their spark.via Canva/Photos

What is the 3-Hour Night marriage hack?

The three-hour night was something that Rachel Higgins and her husband began incorporating into their lives at the beginning of 2024. And so far, “it's been so fun and such...a game changer for how our evenings go,” she says in a clip posted to TikTok.

Before using the three-hour night, the evening would look a bit like this: their daughter would go to bed, they would lounge on the couch, scroll through social media, then fall asleep. Sound familiar?

But with a three-hour night, Higgins and her husband divvy up the time before bed into three sections, each for a different focus.In the first hour, starting around 7 p.m., is what Higgins calls “productive time,” during which the couple sees to any household chores that might need to be done.

“So, start with like a quick cleanup of the kitchen or just like things that accumulated throughout the day, and then we try to do something that either ... has been being put off or cleaning the bathroom or like organizing the pantry or hall closet or something like, super random like sharpening the knives. Anything that's productive for the household,” she explains.


@rachelleehiggins

if you’re stuck in a rut with your evenings try this! i saw someone do something similar to this a while ago but can’t remember who! #marriage #1sttimeparents #newyearsgoals

Next, the second hour is geared towards re-establishing a physical or emotional connection in their marriage. The phones go away, and they focus only on enjoying one another.

“So, that could be things like showering together or ‘having fun’ together, playing a game together, or just like anything that's gonna get you guys talking and connecting or like debriefing from the day or just like talking about what you're doing and like the plans for tomorrow or like how work's going or whatever. So, anything that's gonna connect and strengthen and build your marriage,” Higgins says.

Lastly, the final hour of the night is dedicated to anything Higgins and her husband individually want to do, any sort of personal recharge activity. Since this is a judgment-free time, Higgins states that “If you just want to lie on the couch and scroll your phone and watch TikToks or whatever, like watch YouTube videos,” it’s totally acceptable.

happy coupe, couple in bed, young married couple, man with beard, smiling woman A happy couple in bed.via Canva/Photos

Higgins’ novel approach definitely interested viewers, who chimed in with their own questions. One major concern was how the heck this could be done every night. But even Higgins admits that she and her husband don’t succeed at having a three-hour night every night—they usually try for about 3-4 times a week. And honestly, even once a week could still probably be beneficial in building intimacy.

"Such a good idea. Good for us empty nesters too! The phone scrolling is outta control!"one commenter wrote. "This is really cool. The housework is equal. The emotional connection is equal and the self care is equal. No room for resentment," another added. "We don’t have kids yet but I love this and want to do it because the nights slip away so fast!!" a commenter added.

Others wondered how to have a three-hour night when things randomly popped up in their schedule, like when kids won’t magically go to sleep promptly at 7pm. Higgins shares that in these cases, they tend to just shorten each phase. The point being: these can and probably should be customizable, even fun, rather than yet another rigid chore.

Plus, a three-hour night (or whatever your version of a three-hour night may be) is a great way to remind yourself just how high a priority your relationship has in your life, no matter what else is going on at the time. Odds are you'll probably find you do have more time for it than you previously thought.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Woman shares the 3 things she could never get away with having a Secret Service father

Guess when your dad takes a special course in forgery, skipping school becomes a challenge.

Photo credit: Canva, @ashley4236/TikTok

Ashely Hicks shares the three things she couldn't get away with having a Secret Service dad.

Many of us grew up with strict parents, but growing up with parents that were part of the secret service? That's a whole ‘nother level of no-nonsense child-rearing. But for Ashley Hicks, whose dad was a Secret Service agent, this was the reality. Over on TikTok, she’s shared countless stories that reveal just how unconventional her childhood was.

In one particular popular video, Hicks shared how she was unable to get away with three very common things: lying, sneaking out/skipping school, and sleepovers. So basically, any plot point to a '90s teen movie was not happening under her dad’s watch.

Secret Service GIFfrom Secret Service GIFs

To further paint the scene, Hicks recalled a few failed attempts at these transgressions. Like the time she tried to lie about going to a friend's house three miles away, and dad immediately checked the odometer when she got home to confirm that she had, in fact, driven an additional 20ish miles…and thus was not at said friend’s house. Yikes.

Anecdote #2: One time, Hicks tried to forge her mother’s signature on a note to be able to skip school. The next day, she was sent to the principal's office, where her father was waiting for her. He told her, “I skipped a meeting at the White House to be here, because we know that you skipped school yesterday.” How did he know? The forged signature. Apparently, he had taken a special course to detect such things.

And to clarify the “no sleepovers” rule: Hicks was allowed to have friends overnight, and she was allowed to go over to a small group of friend’s houses whose parents also happened to be in government agencies like the FBI. Being ultra-selective with which house kids sleep at is a pretty popular parenting practice nowadays, so in this instance, maybe Hicks' dad wasn’t extreme, just ahead of his time.

@ashleyy4236 3 things I could never get away with as the daughter of a secret service agent 👀
♬ original sound - Ashley || secret service kid

Needless to say, people were impressed to hear about these hardcore tactics. Scared, but impressed.

“Checking the odometer is so smart.”

“Imagine being the principal and a secret service agent using your office to interrogate his kid about forgery 😂”

“You probably had your own agent and had no clue.”

“Bro kept up with you better than life 360 before it was even invented.”

“When your dad skips White House meetings, you know you did a thing.”

Then again, some folks noted that these tactics felt all too familiar.

“My dad checked the image too, I didn’t get away with it. He was in the Air Force.”

“So what you're saying is my mom missed her calling.”

And yet, despite the strictness, Hicks tells Today that as teens, she and her sisters were still allowed to make mistakes. “He knew we were going to do the teenage things, and he hammered it into us: ‘You will not get in trouble if you do it the responsible way. I’m not gonna be happy about it, but I want you to be safe.’”

Of course, growing up with a dad in the Secret Service has bestowed some unique skills, especially when it comes to being safe and "situationally aware.”

In a different TikTok video, both Hicks and her sister delved into helpful hints like placing a pair of men's shoes outside the door so passersby would think a man lives there (particularly helpful for single women), arranging a Facebook Marketplace or Craigslist sale to be outside a fire or police station, and never sitting with their back towards the door while eating at a restaurant.

@ashleyy4236 how to scare a secret service agent? Give him two daughters 😂#secretservice #daughter ♬ original sound - Ashley || secret service kid

Interesting to think that these are tidbits many of us are exposed to now because of social media, but they were habits ingrained into Hicks long before that, thanks to dad. Maybe she didn't grow up like all the other kids, but she's certainly entered adulthood with some cool skills and even cooler stories. All of which you can find by following Hicks on TikTok.

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Emma Thompson reveals the detail that made her big 'Love Actually' scene so heartbreaking

Thompson beautifully explained the layers that make the scene so iconic.

STUDIOCANAL/YouTube
Emma Thompson's bedroom scene in "Love Actually" is a performance for the ages.

The 2003 film Love Actually is probably best known for its controversial-ish cue card scene, where Andrew Lincoln's character professes his love for a Keira Knightley by silently showing her cue cards, including the famous (or infamous) line, "To me, you are perfect."

But there's another scene in the film that doesn't get nearly the recognition it deserves. It's well-regarded, but not nearly well-regarded enough.

It's been over 20 years since Alan Rickman broke Emma Thompson's heart by buying that little office tart a necklace in Love Actually, and some of us still haven't forgiven him.

With its overlapping love stories set during Christmastime, the film has become a holiday classic, despite some controversy on whether or not it's actually any good. Some people love it, some people hate it, but no one can deny that Thompson gives an Oscar-worthy performance in one utterly heart-wrecking scene.

emma thompson, alan rickman, love actually, film, hollywood, movies, acting, drama, hugh grant, andrew lincoln, keira knightley At Christmas, you tell the truth. Giphy

Of the eight "Love Actually" relationships, Harry and Karen (Rickman and Thompson, respectively) is the one that gives the film some serious gravitas. While other characters are pining or shooting their shot with varying levels of success, Harry is pulling a mid-life crisis affair with a modelesque coworker while Karen shuffles their children to and fro and keeps Harry's life running smoothly. We see him lie, we see her start to suspect, but the scene where she opens her Christmas present from Harry—a Joni Mitchell CD, not the necklace she had found hidden in his coat and thought was for her—is when we see Thompson's acting strengths in full view.

Like, phew.

What's so striking about the scene, however, is that it's not dramatic in a typical way. There's no external conflict happening—it's just Thompson excusing herself from the family to emotionally process what she's just discovered in secret. We see and feel her heartbreak—it's so visceral—but that's not what makes the scene so powerful. Heartbreak happens all the time in movies.

As Thompson explains in an interview with BBC Radio 1, it's the fact that she can't actually react the way she wants to that pulls at people's heartstrings so hard.

"I think it's just because everybody's been through something like it," Thompson says. "What I think really gets to them though is that she has to pull herself together. It's not that she's upset. That's, you know, ten a penny. But it's that she has to pull herself together."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

It's true. The conflict in the scene is between her wanting to break down and her wanting to keep her family's Christmas memories happy and intact. She is a devastated wife, but she's also a devoted mother who doesn't want to devastate her kids. We feel the tension between those two roles and the way she swallows up her grief in order to get her kids to their holiday concert right after finding out her marriage isn't what she thought it was.

When you think about it, it's incredibly poignant. And though not everyone loves the film, it's moments like this one that have helped it stand the test of time and stay on many people's holiday watch-list.

"I think it’s to do with the fact that we’re required in our lives to repress the things that we’re feeling," Thompson explained on TODAY. "So, you can be hit right between the eyes with some terrible piece of news, but you can’t react immediately because you’ve got your children there. It’s that thing of not showing — that’s why it hurts. That’s why it moves us."

Emma Thompson, love actually, acting, performance, emotional Emma Thompson nailed this scene. Giphy

"If she went, 'Oh my God! I thought you were going to give me a necklace! And now you've given it to somebody else,' we would not be moved, you know?" she continued. "We're moved because she just goes, 'I'm not gonna do it.' And then she makes the bed, the bed that sort of suddenly feels so empty of meaning. And then she goes down and goes, 'Hello, everyone! Let's go.' That's why people identify."

And the way she plays it is perfect. Any actor can cry, but it's her crying while trying not to cry and how she shows us her inner emotional turmoil without her ever saying a single word that's impressive.

If you've never seen "Love Actually" and want to see the Harry and Karen story, here are just their scenes.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Some people have asked whether Harry actually physically cheated or not, but "Love Actually" script editor Emma Freud clarified that he did. "DEFINITELY had an affair," she wrote on X in 2015. "I begged richard just to make it a flirtation, but no. the whole way."

And did Harry and Karen stay together in the end? The film doesn't really make it clear, but at the screening Freud answered the question: “They stay together but home isn’t as happy as it once was.” Oof. There's just no non-heartbreaking answer to that question.

emma thompson, alan rickman, love actually, film, hollywood, movies, acting, drama, hugh grant, andrew lincoln, keira knightley No matter how you play it out, there's no Hollywood ending for Emma Thompson's character. Giphy

This is why we watch films, though, isn't it? To see our humanity reflected back to us? To feel what the characters feel? To have our hearts broken vicariously so we can have a good cry without going through the actual pain ourselves?

People usually watch romcoms for the romance and comedy and happy endings, though. So here's to Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman for giving us one of the most poignant scenes in cinema in one of the most unexpected places.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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