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Women explain what it's like to lose their youthful beauty and it's surprisingly empowering

The most common response seems to be "liberating."

Photo by Anna Shvets/Pexels

Surface beauty comes with its own down sides.

Humans have long made much ado about beauty, so much so that the word has become loaded with pressures, especially for women. In addition to inspiring painters and poets, beauty is now a billion-dollar industry filled with countless beauty products peddled by beauty influencers that we have to contend with.

Who's considered "beautiful" is quite subjective, but some people are just universally attractive. Women in particular may spend a lot of time and money to enhance or create their beauty and some simply have naturally beautiful features. But regardless of how they got there, we've all known (and often envied) women who turn heads when they walk into a room.

We also know that kind of beauty comes with a certain kind of power to attract and influence. But what about when that surface beauty starts fading with age? What happens when the supple skin starts shriveling, full pouts thin out, perimenopause weight hits and women who were once considered young and beautiful no longer turn heads?

Someone asked the AskOldPeople Reddit group, "If you were beautiful when you were younger, what has it been like to lose its power?" and many of the answers were unexpectedly empowering. Rather than being sad about losing their looks, so many women have found being not young and beautiful anymore freeing. Here are some of the most popular responses:

"Better to lose my looks than my brains, or my compassion, or my curiosity. I had my 'hot girl' phase. It was fun but it was nothing to build a life around."

"I’ve likened it to driving a fancy car. Fun, but hardly life changing. And TBH there’s a certain comfort to the anonymity of late-middle-age. I don’t miss the leers and the low-grade-ever-present-threat associated with being young and beautiful."

"48 year old woman here and completely invisible to the majority of society. I love it! It's been the most freeing thing in the world!!"

"Yes! Freedom is the first word I think of about this."

"Yes!! Totally agree! I used to get a lot of attention and couldn't even have conversations with men without them thinking it was some sort of invitation. I was that combo of good looking but not too good looking and a friendly personality. Now I get very little attention from men and dang is it nice. It's less about losing looks I think and more about losing youth. I am now in my early 40s and by far the happiest, most comfortable I've ever been."

"And the sheer confidence that comes with the years and not giving a rip anymore is just 🤌chef’s kiss*. I love my 40’s. You put an obstacle in front of a group of 40 year old women, get back cause we’re tearing it apart. We get shit done and don’t give a an f who’s in our way. It feels a bit like a super power to be honest. Give that back for the youthful beauty of my 20’s? Pffffttrtttt hail nah."

"Another middle aged woman here, chiming in to agree that it's awesome to be invisible to the type of men that can't leave young, attractive women alone."

"Well said! It's been wonderful to just slowly disappear into the background."

"Omg I love being invisible! It is like a superpower. I was very pretty when younger, and now I don’t have to be self conscious bc no one is staring."

"Truth! It’s been like gaining a superpower for me!"

"Yes, while some of my peers were complaining about becoming invisible, I have found it very freeing."

"I still feel great and I no longer have to make conversation with random dudes who feel entitled to my time."

"Exactly! I joke that now that I look like an older mom or grandma, I can be friendly and nice without having to worry about the result. No more weird stalker responses, no more harassment for my phone number and then being called a bitch. I can just respond how I want….use the term honey….whatever….get that extra service because everyone likes mommy love….with no ick to worry about."

"Liberating! Yeah sure now and then it’s … I’m trying to think of a word but honestly it doesn’t bother me. I love it in fact. I like blending in with the crowd. I like not being singled out and hassled and burdened with other people's desires or being accused of being in love with someone’s boyfriend just because perhaps I was a bit too vivacious."

"I once sat next to a beautiful girl after dancing at EDC and asked her if she ever thought her beauty at times was a burden. She told me that she felt like she lost female friendships because some of her friends thought that she was trying to sleep with their boyfriends. She said she felt lonely and just wanted to be friends — and that part of it was very unfair to her."

"I think with age the focus moves from external validation to internal validation from the self. A kind of inner beauty radiates outward from that deep self acceptance. When I was young and aesthetically pleasing to the world, I enhanced my youthful beauty, unnecessarily with all the cosmetic accoutrements I was brainwashed into believing were needed to feel worthy of the male gaze. Now, in my wizened self I feel a confidence in my beauty that transcends aesthetics. I no longer care for the male gaze, nor do I seek it. I have become worthy of more than that, even without enhancement."

"It’s a slow process. You don’t notice day to day. When it finally happens you’re old enough to understand that beauty is just a creation. You’ll always be beautiful to those who love you."

"Back it up with knowledge, skills, experience, wisdom so when your beauty fades, you will have a soft cushion to land on. That's what I did, and it works."

"I am still a good looking person. But I've noticed that...

1) the people my age who will be attracted to me are also older and they learned a long time ago that certain things ain't gonna fly like they did 20 or 30 years ago.
2) the power of being pretty is dependent on other people being brainlessly susceptible to pretty. Older, wiser people place value on things beyond just a pretty face so it's going to take more than that to get any special treatment.
3) my personality and confidence have always yielded the most power."

"There’s a whole bunch of power in knowing who you are what you’ve accomplished and being happy with yourself and your life. That’s 100 times more powerful than turning a few heads. Everyone grows older, everyone has their looks fade to a certain extent, but what’s inside you is what makes you powerful. This you never lose.

Be a good person of character and you will always have the power."

"I think with age the focus moves from external validation to internal validation from the self. A kind of inner beauty radiates outward from that deep self acceptance. When I was young and aesthetically pleasing to the world, I enhanced my youthful beauty, unnecessarily with all the cosmetic accoutrements I was brainwashed into believing were needed to feel worthy of the male gaze. Now, in my wizened self I feel a confidence in my beauty that transcends aesthetics. I no longer care for the male gaze, nor do I seek it. I have become worthy of more than that, even without enhancement."

Of course, some people have had a harder time with losing their surface beauty than others, for various reasons. But everyone learns at some point that looks aren't something to create your personality around or rely on for attention or connection with people. As one woman wrote:

"I was sad to become invisible in my 40s. In my 50s, I upped my game (clothes, shoes, got an actual haircut) and became visible again. I didn’t regain the power of beauty, but at least I was visible. I was a bit sad about it. People didn’t think I was so fascinating anymore. I realized that maybe I never was, but people wanted to talk to me because of how I looked. Oh well. It was nice while it lasted. But it’s ultimately superficial."

It may sound cliche, but true beauty really does comes from within. "Pretty privilege" has both its benefits and its pitfalls, but one of the life lessons that comes with age is that inner beauty only has upsides and gets better as you age. If you focus on enhancing your true self instead of being overly concerned about how you look, aging out of youthful beauty can be liberating and empowering.

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Equality

Amanda Gorman, the 22-yr-old inaugural poet, symbolizes America's seismic shift in focus

New York Times/Twitter

Among many notable moments in Joe Biden's presidential inauguration, Amanda Gorman's recitation of her original poem "The Hill We Climb" stood out as a punctuation mark on the day.

It's perhaps fitting that Gorman herself stands out in several ways. The 22-year-old former National Youth Poet Laureate is the youngest poet to compose and deliver an inaugural poem. Like Joe Biden, she struggled with a speech impediment as a child, which makes reciting her poetry in an event broadcast around the globe all the more impressive. But what's most striking in this moment is what she represents—the bright and hopeful future of America.

For four years, we've had an administration focused on reversing progress and taking the country backwards to a mythical era in which the country was better. The slogan "Make America Great Again" has always implied a yearning to return to some kind of ideal past—one which, in reality, didn't exist (unless you're actually into white supremacy). The U.S. was built on high ideals but has always grappled with the advancement of some at the expense of others, with the legacy of racism and sexism ever-present in our politics, and with injustice being inseparable from our imbalance of political power.

Today, though, we marked a distinct shift in that balance of power. We swore in our first female vice president, in addition to our first non-white vice president. And in adding the voice of a young, Black, female poet to artfully contextualize the occasion, we see an emphasis in leaning into that shift. In Amanda Gorman, we see an America looking to the future as we honestly assess our past.

Biden's team contacted Gorman last month to ask her to share a poem about unity, and that's exactly what she delivered. But the unity she envisions in her poem doesn't look like ignoring or forgetting the painful experiences of the past.

"In my poem, I'm not going to in any way gloss over what we've seen over the past few weeks and, dare I say, the past few years," Gorman told The New York Times prior to the inauguration. "But what I really aspire to do in the poem is to be able to use my words to envision a way in which our country can still come together and can still heal. It's doing that in a way that is not erasing or neglecting the harsh truths I think America needs to reconcile with."

In her sunny yellow coat on a sunny day at the Capitol—where violent rioters assaulted the very foundation of democracy just two weeks ago—Amanda Gorman offers words of hope and healing rooted in reality, all of which the nation desperately yearns for in this moment.

Watch her nail it:

Here are the words of "The Hill We Climb":

"When day comes we ask ourselves,
where can we find light in this never-ending shade?
The loss we carry,
a sea we must wade
We've braved the belly of the beast
We've learned that quiet isn't always peace
And the norms and notions
of what just is
Isn't always just-ice
And yet the dawn is ours
before we knew it
Somehow we do it
Somehow we've weathered and witnessed
a nation that isn't broken
but simply unfinished
We the successors of a country and a time
Where a skinny Black girl
descended from slaves and raised by a single mother
can dream of becoming president
only to find herself reciting for one
And yes we are far from polished
far from pristine
but that doesn't mean we are
striving to form a union that is perfect
We are striving to forge a union with purpose
To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and
conditions of man
And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us
but what stands before us
We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,
we must first put our differences aside
We lay down our arms
so we can reach out our arms
to one another
We seek harm to none and harmony for all
Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true:
That even as we grieved, we grew
That even as we hurt, we hoped
That even as we tired, we tried
That we'll forever be tied together, victorious
Not because we will never again know defeat
but because we will never again sow division
Scripture tells us to envision
that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree
And no one shall make them afraid
If we're to live up to our own time
Then victory won't lie in the blade
But in all the bridges we've made
That is the promise to glade
The hill we climb
If only we dare
It's because being American is more than a pride we inherit,
it's the past we step into
and how we repair it
We've seen a force that would shatter our nation
rather than share it
Would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy
And this effort very nearly succeeded
But while democracy can be periodically delayed
it can never be permanently defeated
In this truth
in this faith we trust
For while we have our eyes on the future
history has its eyes on us
This is the era of just redemption
We feared at its inception
We did not feel prepared to be the heirs
of such a terrifying hour
but within it we found the power
to author a new chapter
To offer hope and laughter to ourselves
So while once we asked,
how could we possibly prevail over catastrophe?
Now we assert
How could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?
We will not march back to what was
but move to what shall be
A country that is bruised but whole,
benevolent but bold,
fierce and free
We will not be turned around
or interrupted by intimidation
because we know our inaction and inertia
will be the inheritance of the next generation
Our blunders become their burdens
But one thing is certain:
If we merge mercy with might,
and might with right,
then love becomes our legacy
and change our children's birthright
So let us leave behind a country
better than the one we were left with
Every breath from my bronze-pounded chest,
we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one
We will rise from the gold-limbed hills of the west,
we will rise from the windswept northeast
where our forefathers first realized revolution
We will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the midwestern states,
we will rise from the sunbaked south
We will rebuild, reconcile and recover
and every known nook of our nation and
every corner called our country,
our people diverse and beautiful will emerge,
battered and beautiful
When day comes we step out of the shade,
aflame and unafraid
The new dawn blooms as we free it
For there is always light,
if only we're brave enough to see it
If only we're brave enough to be it"

Thank you for your beautiful, meaningful words, Ms. Gorman, and for offering us a glimpse of a truly greater America we all have a role in creating.

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Hey spring breakers: You are the dystopian horror movie characters nobody roots for

Rex Chapman/Twitter, ABC7 Chicago/Facebook

A video has been circulating of college students on spring break in Florida, boasting of their ability to totally ignore life-saving instructions to stay away from other humans.

As a pandemic the likes of which we've never seen in our lifetime sweeps the planet, these brave young folks are obliviously spreading their ignorant and self-obsessed germs all over the beaches and bars of the U.S. south.

Never mind the fact that millions of us are isolating in our homes trying to keep our healthcare system from being overwhelmed. Never mind that most of these kids surely have grandparents or loved ones with suppressed immune systems. Never mind that doctors and nurses on the front line are begging people to stay home so they can save lives.

I'm usually fairly forgiving of youthful transgressions, but not this time. The stakes are far too high for this kind of selfish immaturity.

You really want to rip a life-giving ventilator away from your grandma in two weeks, Jessica?

You really think a contagious virus gives a flying fig that you're young and invincible, Brady?

We all know that there's a certain obliviousness and self-centeredness that goes along with youth, but now's not the time for it, Alexis.

We're literally living through the early stages of a dystopian story right now. You and your generation grew up with The Hunger Games and The Maze Runner and Divergent, for the love. I assume you at least saw the movies. You should know how this goes.

Right now you are the dude that does something stupid and plunges everyone else further into the dystopian hellscape. You're the minor character in the opening of the story who somehow manages to make things worse. You're the one that makes the audience yell, "Why are you doing that?! That's so dumb!!" You're the one the reader can predict will come to an unsavory end, because one of you shows up in every story.

Not to mention, you're way behind the plot here. Your behavior belongs in the prologue, which was like a week ago. The rest of us have already moved on to Chapter 3. Catch up, Chad.

Please listen to what literally every public health expert on the planet is telling us. Young people can have the virus and spread it to others even if they aren't showing any symptoms. More than half the patients in the ICU in France have been under age 60. A new report just today shows that 40 percent of patients hospitalized with the virus in the U.S. are between ages 20 and 54.

Yeah, you probably won't die from it. But you may kill someone else by getting it.

Here's a scenario: You were carrying the virus but didn't know it because you're not showing symptoms yet so you jetted off for spring break. You wiped the drool off your chin after a boot-and-rally, then touched a barstool. The chick you were flirting with touched the stool, then hugged her friend who has asthma. A week from now, BOOM. That young lady is taking up critical hospital bed space because this virus is a lung eater and her lungs can't handle it.

Now a doctor who has been working her ass off to save people's lives while putting her own on the line has to decide whether to save that young lady or my 74-year-old mom who caught the virus because she only has one ventilator left. And they're going to choose the young woman, because youth takes precedence when someone has to decide who lives or dies.

But my mom not getting a ventilator and dying an unnecessary death will be your fault because you were young and fearless and "not going to let this virus stop you."

Fearlessness is foolishness right now. Stop it before you kill somebody. Seriously.

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Science proves 'kids these days' are fine—it's the adults who tend to be oblivious a-holes

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"Our sires' age was worse than our grandsires'. We, their sons, are more
worthless than they; so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more
corrupt." - Horace in Book III of Odes, 20 BC

"Never has youth been exposed to such dangers of both perversion and arrest as in our own land and day. Increasing urban life with its temptations, prematurities, sedentary occupations, and passive stimuli just when an active life is most needed, early emancipation and a lessening sense for both duty and discipline, the haste to know and do all befitting man's estate before its time, the mad rush for sudden wealth and the reckless fashions set by its gilded youth--all these lack some of the regulatives they still have in older lands with more conservative conditions." - Psychologist Granville Stanley Hall in The Psychology of Adolescence, 1904

The "kids these days" trope has been around forever. We have documentation for centuries of aging generations complaining that the young people are simply the worst. They have no respect. They've lost all sense of discipline. They're impetuous and impulsive, self-absorbed and self-indulgent. Millennials, millennials, blah blah blah.

RELATED: I swapped out 'millennials' in headlines for something better. It made a huge difference.

But a new series of studies confirms what many of us have always suspected: The kids are alright. At least, they're not objectively any worse than previous generations of young people. Rather, the ones responsible for the supposed downfall of "kids these days" are adults who lack self-awareness about how they apply their biased standards to young people.

In a paper published in Science Advances in October 2019, John Protzko and Jonathan W. Schooler from University of California, Santa Barbara examined five studies to determine what causes the "kids these days" phenomenon. They found that American adults tend to believe that today's youth are in decline in three traits—respect, intelligence, and an affinity for reading. But rather than objective truths, those perceptions are mostly due to adults applying their own mature standards on young people, in addition to bias for the traits in which they themselves currently excel.

The researchers wrote about their findings:

"Authoritarian people especially think youth are less respectful of their elders, intelligent people especially think youth are less intelligent, and well-read people especially think youth enjoy reading less. These beliefs are not predicted by irrelevant traits. Two mechanisms contribute to humanity's perennial tendency to denigrate kids: a person-specific tendency to notice the limitations of others where one excels and a memory bias projecting one's current qualities onto the youth of the past. When observing current children, we compare our biased memory to the present and a decline appears. This may explain why the kids these days effect has been happening for millennia."

So basically, older folks tend to be oblivious about how unfair and inaccurate their assessments of young people can be. Shocker, right?

RELATED: Condom snorting? Eating Tide Pods? Don't believe the viral hype around teen trends.

Each generation has unique qualities and characteristics honed by the time and environment in which they live. But young people behaving like young people and old folks behaving like old folks is the same in every age. Young people have always tended to push boundaries and old people have always looked back at their youth through a lens of rose-tinted nostalgia. Young people have always been immature as a group (hello, that what being young means) and older people have always forgotten what it was like to be young.

Objectively, though, kids these days have some impressive qualities—they tend to care about social and environmental causes and many are actively engaged in civil and political discourse. According to the CDC's Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System, teens smoke less, drink less, get pregnant less, get into fights less, and generally make less trouble than my own generation did. Some studies show that young people are taking longer to grow up and start doing "adult" things, but at the same time, they have closer bonds with their parents than previous generations. They struggle with increasing rates of mental health struggles and suicide, but are also working hard to break the stigma on such things.

Lighten up, gramps. The kids are alright.

Perhaps if we give young people the benefit of the doubt and some grace to figure out their place in the world, we can put an end to the "kids these days" cycle—or at least offer a better example of self-awareness than previous generations of curmudgeony old folks have.

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