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Mom shares 'kind can' idea after 7-year-old expresses struggles with friends at school

She described the "kind can" as "a way to keep our hearts open even when they want to close.”

Sasja Nieukerk-Chomos/Facebook

The "kind can" is a tool for helping kids connect with others.

At some point, most parents have to field questions, concerns, worries, anxieties, and, sometimes, outright despair from their kids about their relationships with other kids. Friendships can be messy. Bullying is a thing. When you pool together a couple of dozen kids who are growing, changing, and figuring out their emotions for most of the day, all manner of relational dynamics can emerge.

Navigating the social landscape with our kids isn't easy. Each child is unique, some are more sensitive or aware of what's happening than others, and some need assistance with figuring out how to handle tough social situations. As parents, we don't want to swoop in and solve their problems, but we also don't want to leave them rudderless in a storm. We want to provide them with the tools and help them build the skills they'll need to steer their own ship.

kids, parenting, parents, tweens, issuesFinding the right balance can be tough.Image via Canva

One tool that can help a kid who is struggling to connect with their peers is intentional kindness. However, a blanket admonition to "be kind" is often too vague to help a kid in the midst of a social crisis. That's why one parent's "kind can" idea has gone viral—it offers a specific way to practice kindness in a way that's not overwhelming.

In a 2022 post on LinkedIn, mom Sasja Nieukerk-Chomos shared the idea, writing:

"'Mom, I hate them.'

'Them' being her friends at school.

This is what my 7-year-old confided to me as I was putting her to bed the other night.

I could have made light of her hatred, like I’ve done when she tells me she hates broccoli.

I could have gotten caught up in her anger: 'Who are these kids upsetting my daughter!?'

Instead, I asked her what was going on that her heart hurt so much.

Because under anger is usually hurt."


kind can, linkedin, post, social media, mom, parentingNieukerk-Chomos' post on LinkedInvia LinkedIn.

"Sure enough, the tears came pouring out as she told me about how her best friend only wanted to play with another girl, and how when she went to find others to play with they told her to go away.

This had been happening all week.

'Why doesn’t anybody like me?'

I didn’t have an answer for that, but I did have a thought: It’s time for the Kind Can.

Suddenly I was 8 years old again, a grade 3 student who was having a rough start to the school year.

I had a teacher I didn’t like, friendships had shifted, and I couldn’t seem to get along with anyone. I hated going to school.

My mom created a Kind Can.

She used a big Nescafe tin can (remember those?)

In the can went the names of every single one of my classmates. Each morning before school I
would pull a name out of the can. That day I had to go out of my way to do something kind for them.

Not to have them do something in return.

For no other reason than to do something kind.

It wasn’t easy at first, but my mom encouraged me to keep trying, and helped me think of all the different ways I could show kindness to others.

It started to get really fun!

And then things shifted.

No longer caught up in my own mind about what others were ‘doing to me’, I was now focused on what I was doing for others.

Though there were no expectations of kindness in return, more and more kindness is what I got. I loved going to school!

I told my daughter about the Kind Can and her eyes got that little spark – the one that tells me she’s about to get creative.

So yes, she has big plans for just how fancy this can will be – much better than an old tin can she proclaimed! That’s our project.

A Kind Can.

A way to create more kindness.

A way to keep our hearts open even when they want to close."

People loved the "kind can" idea, with the post being shared more than 3,000 times. Some people pointed out the beauty of the wisdom in it being passed down through generations. Several parents wished that they had seen the idea when their own kids were going through some social struggles. Many commenters said that a lot of adults could use a kind can as well.

kindness, kind can, parenting, kids, friendships, lessonsPass It On Be Kind GIFGiphy

With bullying becoming more widespread thanks to the Internet and social media, many parents are aware of the importance of instilling kindness in their children. On social media, parents are making a point to highlight moments of kindness from their own kids or from another kid to theirs, and the videos are warming hearts and reminding viewers that the kids really are all right—and will continue to be so long as we continue to model kindness like Nieukerk-Chomos.

@ismeganokay

When I tell you I burst into tears when that girl offered her her hand… a small gesture can mean so much | #bekind #endbullying #adhd #parenting

A "kind can" won't solve every friendship woe a child has, but goodness knows the world could use more kindness. Helping kids practice that virtue with a tool that makes it specific and fun is definitely a win-win.

This article originally appeared three years ago. It has been updated.

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Parents with teens can't help but relate to mom's heartbreaking video about 'summer guilt'

It's a special kind of grief almost all parents experience at some point.

@cyndygdub/TikTok

Lots of parents felt this way, without having a name for it.

When you have kids, summers are a flurry of activities. Going to amusement parks and zoos, playing outside, eating ice cream—lots and lots of ice cream.

And then, the preteen years hit and all that changes. Suddenly a kid’s interest shifts. They spend less time hanging with the fam and more hanging with friends, or alone. Though this transition is natural, it can still be painful for parents and make them feel like they’re not doing enough to evoke that same kind of magic the season once held.

As Cyndy Gatewood’s three children have all entered teen and preteen chapters, she began to feel this particular kind of pain, which she called “summer guilt.”

In a now-viral TikTok, Gatewood described summer guilt as "the guilt that comes when you have teens and preteens during the summer, and you're home with them, but they're too old to go to a playground everyday … and now they just want to be in their rooms. And it's like, should I be doing something? Should I be taking them somewhere everyday? But when I ask them … they don't want to."

“I still have that constant guilt that I’m not doing enough. That their summer’s being wasted,” she says, and these feelings only get exacerbated when she sees other families with younger kids enjoying themselves on social media.

Though she knows that this shame is something she’s putting on herself, Gatewood still asked if there were other parents out there who would relate. And boy, could they.


@cyndygdub My kids are 14 and under and the transition from little kids to big kids can be hard on us parents #fyp #motherhood #teens #parenthood #summer #momguilt #preteens #kids ♬ Backsound Puisi - Audiolist Productions


“The teen transition is so hard. It’s hard to bring them joy now, used to be so easy,” one parent lamented.

Another wrote, “My heart broke when my son stopped wanting to go explore the new parks.”

A few folks chimed in to reassure that just because teens preferred to be in their room, it didn’t have to mean that summer was wasted. In fact, that solitude could also contain some pretty wonderful memories.

“I still remember so clearly being a teenager and my favorite thing in the world was being in my room on my own doing my own thing. Don’t feel guilty, it’s healthy to spend time on your own. They don’t need to be busy, to be doing something every moment of every day,” one person wrote.

Another added, “...then I remember my own teenage years, and I know how peaceful I was in my room. I had my first Walkman, listened to music, translated the lyrics, read books. It didn’t feel like a waste of summer.”

Many reflected that perhaps the root emotion Gatewood was feeling wasn’t guilt, but grief. As one person put it, “It’s more like grieving a life that you no longer have which you recall was the best time of your life. And it’s nothing you did wrong and nothing you can do to preserve it.”

By opening up about her feelings, Gatewood told Good Morning America that countless people have commented to thank her for putting this very relatable situation into tangible words.

"It makes me emotional, because it really is such a beautiful thing when we can open up about our struggles, especially as parents, and find out that we're not alone in these feelings,” she shared.

And since sharing her video, Gatewood has seemed to take on a more nuanced perspective on this new parenting chapter.

"It's a beautiful thing to watch your kids grow up. But we have to evolve with that. And that's what I'm learning right now.”

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Sephora employee recalls a 10-year-old's 'unhinged' fight with mom over $900 haul

Sephora employee Natalia Herrera says parents "who aren't parenting" are to blame for the rise of unruly "Sephora kids."

@natsodrizzy/TikTok

A Sephora employees recalls a recent meltdown that a 10-year-old shopper had.

Social media has been teeming lately with videos of young girls, otherwise known as “Sephora kids,” crowding the aisles of the well-known beauty retailer, loading up on expensive makeup and skincare products that many worry are not suitable for children.

Many parents believe that a lack of third spaces, along with the demographic being prime targets for online advertisement, as being the source of this phenomenon. And while those factors most certainly play a role, one story shared by an actual Sephora employee suggests that a lack of parental involvement is also to blame.

Recently, Natalia Herrera (@natsodrizzy on TikTok) went viral after sharing a recent “unhinged” reaction by a young girl she was ringing up. The girl, somewhere between the age of 9-11, Herrera guessed, approached her with a basket “literally overflowing” with beauty products. She then told Herrera to ring up two bottles of perfume that were held behind the register first. Those alone cost around $300.

sephora kids, sephora tiktok, sephora

Herrera's reaction to ringing up nearly $900 worth of products.

@natsodrizzy/TikTok

Much to Herrera’s surprise, the young girl instructed her to continue ringing up the other products. At this point, Herrara began to wonder where an actual parent or guardian was.

“Like…who is this little girl with?” Herrera thought to herself as she scanned nearly $900 worth of products.

At that point, the little girl nervously looked over to another register where another employee was checking out her mother and sister. She called the sister over, who nonchalantly shared that her personal haul came out to $500.

This shocked Herrera, but not nearly as much as the little girl telling her sister “I'm probably just going to use Mom's money” to take care of her hefty purchase.

However, when the little girl told her mom of the total, "the mom freaked out,” and when ordered her to take some things out, the little girl “lost her mind.” Even when she did finally acquiesce to taking off some items, the girl bluntly said “I’m not taking anything else out.”

sephora kids, sephora tiktok

“I’m sorry…who’s the mom here?"

@natsodrizzy/TikTok

Herrera, appalled that the mom tolerated that kind of behavior, stated, “I’m sorry…who’s the mom here? This is the problem…The problem is the parents because why aren't you sitting there holding your ground?"

"These iPad kids, these little girls have never heard the word 'no.' They kind of just get what they want so they can shut up and the parents can go on with their day,” she said in the clip.

Herrera had no choice but to keep watching as the heated argument unfolded. Trying to be helpful and move the situationaling, she asked the little girl if she really needed three of the same lip gloss. But that proved unsuccessful, as the girl replied, “yeah I know that there’s three.”

‘I didn’t know what to do,” Herrera shared.

After minutes of more back-and-forth, the tween ended up with a $500 total instead of $900, which the mom was okay with.

The whole debacle left Herrera with one conclusion: "These 10-year-old girls at Sephora are crazy, but what's crazier is the parents that aren't parenting,” adding that “nothing is going to change'' without more parent involvement.

@natsodrizzy these kids need to go touch some grass #sephora #fyp #sephorakids #preteens #ipadkids #ipadkidsarescary ♬ original sound - nat

In one regard, the Sephora kid craze is nothing new. Almost any adult woman can remember wanting to emulate grown-ups during their childhood—playing with makeup, wanting to shave their legs, maybe experimenting with fashion choices. As Teen Vogue contributor Fortesa Latifi eloquently points out, some of the reactions to this fairly natural phase of life could be “another way we judge and shame young girls, putting limits on their girlhood, casting their desires as silly or superfluous.”

But when it gets to the point that kids actually assume the role of a grown-up, especially in the presence of grown-ups, it’s easy to see how that can be troubling. Shaming anyone certainly isn’t the answer, but since this culture of depleted community resources and monetizing insecurities has been created by adults, it stands to reason that the onus should be on them. For parents, that might mean educating themselves and their kids about skincare, teaching them to show respect while shopping, establishing healthy boundaries and of course…prioritizing social media literacy.

sephora kids, sephora, makeup, makeup for young girls

Could they be growing up too fast?

Canva

Basically, parenting might have gone through some major glow-ups over the years, but some things remain the same.

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School therapist makes a strong case for why tweens should still be playing with toys

"Stop forcing these kids to grow up so quickly."

via @PracticallySpeeching/TikTok and St Janko Ferlič/Unsplash

A mother and SLP explains why tweens need toys.

Every parent reaches the point in their kid’s life when they realize they are growing up too quickly. This feeling can get even scarier these days when it seems like tweens (ages 8 to 12) are acting more like teens.

Alexis, a mother and speech-language pathologist, recently called out this trend in a viral TikTok video that has received over 300,000 views. In the video, Alexis says parents should push back at their kids having “adult” interests at a young age and that tweens should be playing with toys.

“As a mom and school SLP, I am unsure when third, fourth, and fifth grade became sixth, seventh, and eighth grade,” she says. “But rest assured, your 8-year-old should still be playing with toys. It's okay. And as parents, we should be encouraging them to play with toys. Stop forcing these kids to grow up so quickly,” she continues.

@practicallyspeeching

There are going to be some pissed off parents in the comments, I’m sure lol #slp #slptok #teachertok #teachersoftiktok #parenttok #parentsoftiktok #elementaryschool

Just one look at Glamour’s “Best Gifts for Tweens Who Have Everything” holiday list explains everything. It suggests that young girls want Stanley Quencher cups, skincare products and manicure kits instead of American Girl dolls.

Alexis understands that we live in a new world ruled by smartphones and influencer culture, but that doesn’t mean tweens have to pay the price by losing their innocence.

“And I realize that kindergarten is now the new second grade, and that's a whole other ball of wax, but we need to be playing. You don't need to be acting 12 when you are 9,” she concluded.

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