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Mental Health

Wellness expert explains what 'self-care' really is and it's not what we've been sold

Self-care doesn't need to cost you a thing.

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Self-care is not what we've be taught one therapist explains

Self-care. It's something that has been co-opted by wellness influencers and gurus that somehow (and all-too-often) involves spending money on something luxurious. Self-care is often branded as things like pedicures, vacations, and hour-long massages at the spa, but according to Dr. Raquel Martin, we've been doing self-care all wrong.

In July 2024, Martin—a licensed psychologist—uploaded a video to her Instagram explaining what self-care is truly supposed to be. Spoiler alert? It's not meant to be indulgent. At least, indulgence shouldn't be an all-the-time expectation of self-care. Martin acknowledges that the wellness industry has monetized and conflated self-care with self-indulgence, and she explains that having self-care propped up as something that is indulgent isolates people who cannot afford those types of activities.

The psychological toll for conflating self-care with self-indulgence can get dangerously high. In the 2020 Psychology Today article, "Why Does Self-Care Sometimes Feel So Hard?", author and licensed psychologist Alicia H. Clark Psy.D notes that "indulgence stops being self-care when you feel guilty or unhappy with yourself, and this threshold is different for everyone." She goes on to say that "one person's self-caring indulgence can be another's gateway to self-harm, depending on your relationship with the activity, your capacity for moderation, and the reality of its consequences." This makes wellness influencers who tout a heavily indulgent, "treat yo' self" ideology of self-care all the more dangerous. Self-care is not one size fits all, and for those who struggle with self-discipline and moderation, the mindset can do more harm than good.

self-care, indulgence, moderation, treats, discipline Parks And Recreation Treat Yo Self GIFGiphy

So, what is self-care actually? How is it achieved? And is it always supposed to feel good? Dr. Martin goes on to share how she practices self-care, and what she lays out was surprising her viewers. According to Martin, "Self-care is not responding to every call and, if I do not have the bandwidth to have the conversation, stating that I don't have the bandwidth to have the conversation." She also notes that she says "No" to things she doesn't want to do, sets a financial budget, and does not drink caffeine after 4 p.m.

These things might seem a little boring when compared to indulgent self-care, but one thing is clear: these self-care practices are actually good for Martin's body, health, and overall wellness.

Much of what Martin listed are things a lot of people don't consider as self-care, but in actuality, self-care is defined simply by taking care of one's self. This means practicing self-care is getting in a few minutes of exercise a day, drinking more water, or spending time with friends. You don't have to spend money to care for yourself.

yoga, exercise, movement, body, health, self-careA woman practices Yoga.Image via Canva.

Commenters were shocked and thankful for Martin's clarification on what self-care is actually supposed to be:

"Love this list!! As a massage therapist, I have to call out the misconception that massage is indulgent. I'm always telling my patients that self care is more than a bath. I will be sharing this list with my patients. I'm also trying to make massage more accessible," one person writes.

"Thank you for this post. I’m internalizing your advice to see how I can apply. You resonated with my thoughts on so many levels. However, you also provided some clarity and food for thought/fuel for action," another says.

"I really appreciate what you said about pallet cleansers! Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I'm not able to read and consume and learn about all the issues different people are facing. It's really important to me to learn about those things, not just for awareness, but also so I can do something about it. But self care is so important throughout that, like leaving my phone in the other room, or watching my comfort shows like you said. I often read kids books or TV because of how horrible the world is right now, and I need something extremely wholesome to balance it out. Also, workshop? I'm not sure what that means but I like learning from you. Thanks," another viewer shares.

So, maybe it's time to collectively ditch those indulgent expectations of self-care and really take a look at ways we can actually care for ourselves instead.

This article originally appeared last year.

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‘Small but certain’: How South Korean ‘sohwakhaeng’ can lead you to happiness

A refreshingly simple philosophy.

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When did slowing down become such a crime?

When did slowing down become such a crime? It seems as if at every turn, the world is screaming at us: push harder, demand more, settle for less. After winning the 2025 Australian Open, tennis champion Jannik Sinner was inundated with questions about his future goals and upcoming tournaments by journalists. The not-so-subtle subtext? “Now what’s next?” Mere minutes after Mikey Madison won her Academy Award for Best Actress in Anora, she was immediately hounded by the press about her future plans and next projects. Finally, she replied:

"I've been thinking about the future a lot and also the past. I've been really trying to remind myself to stay as present as possible throughout all of this, so I don't know. I really don't know what will happen in the future. I just want to keep making movies and continue to work with people who inspire me and play interesting characters, tell stories that are compelling."

In a culture obsessed with moving at a lightning speed, young people in South Korea are fed up. In the words of Bartleby, the Scrivener, they'd "rather not." Instead, they're choosing a different path, one that's unhurried and geared towards gratefulness. They call it ‘sohwakhaeng’ (소확행), a philosophy that's deceptively simple yet profound, that challenges our very notion of happiness.


A contraction of the words “small” (소), “certain” (확실한), and “happiness” (행복), ‘sohwakhaeng’ roughly translates to “small but certain happiness.” The concept was lifted from Japanese author Haruki Murakami’s 1986 essay, “Afternoon in the Islets of Langerhans,” in which he describes discovering delight in the tiniest, most unexpected places: a freshly baked loaf of bread, torn into using one's hands; neatly folded underwear; new shirts that smell like clean cotton.

Sohwakhaeng’s message is simple: joy is always around us. We just need to train ourselves to recognize it. How? Start by being intentional. Slow down, notice your surroundings, and savor this one precious moment. Remember that you are alive. Then, contentment will come. Sohwakhaeng guarantees it, no matter how minuscule or trivial the event may seem.

Sohwakhaeng can take many forms. It can look like your favorite tea, warmed and steeped in your favorite mug, enjoyed while staring out the window on a snowy winter’s day. It could be a gratitude journal, written nightly using the smooth, metallic pen you saved up for months to buy. A small prayer that precedes a meal. There aren't many rules when it comes to sohwakhaeng. It can be anything, really. The key is mindfulness, living in the present, and noticing all the small joys of life that all too often pass us by. It’s like Jack’s famous song in the musical Into the Woods, when, after scurrying down the giant beanstalk, he marvels at everything below him, seeing for the very first time everything he once took for granted.

“The roof, the house and your Mother at the door The roof, the house and the world you never thought to explore...”


Women, eating, restaurant, smiling, enjoying meal Joy's always there, if we just learn how to look for it. Photo credit: Canva

In South Korea’s fast-paced, high-pressure society, sohwakhaeng has become more than just a feel-good philosophy but a life-saving raft, especially among young people. The country has become consumed by "pali pali" (빨리빨리), or "hurry hurry" culture—a turbocharged approach to life that South Koreans simultaneously wear as a badge of honor and deeply resent. “Pali pali” has become the nation’s ethos, where speed, efficiency, and rapid progress must be prioritized at all costs.

It's no surprise that South Korean citizens are turning to sohwakhaeng in droves, seeking an antidote to their country’s distressing emphasis on lightning speed, efficiency, and promptness above all else. This culture of ultra-productivity, although effective in its own way, is taking its toll on South Korea's citizens: Seoul's suicide rates are increasing rapidly among the elderly, young adults, and even teenagers, with many citing depression, substance abuse, chronic illness, economic hardship, emotional distress, and trauma. According to the Korea Herald, experts have been raising the alarm for years about the increasing burdens of the country's unsustainable work conditions, exorbitant housing costs, and overwhelming responsibilities, which have also led to the country’s rapidly declining birth rates.

It's a bit grim, to put it lightly. And, in response, malaise-stricken Millennials and Zoomers have begun calling themselves the “n-Po generation," where “n” represents exponential growth, and “Po” comes from the Korean word for “give up.” They've given up to the nth degree.

Novak Djokovic, tennis, don't give up, inspirationalEven Novak Djokovic agrees: Don't give up. Giphy

There is hope, however. Alongside the n-Po and 4B movements in South Korea, Sohwakhaeng has become a significant theme on social media, with hundreds of thousands of posts bearing the hashtag “#소확행.” Here, you’ll find Korean citizens reveling in the mundanity of life, as is the case with Instagram star @Salguzzam, who posted a wonderfully simple photo of her daily meal, writing, “In the morning, as I eat the abalone porridge that my mother-in-law set out for me, I’m feeling happy. I haven’t even tasted the apricot jam, but I’m finishing the whole pot of porridge by myself.”

Sohwakhaeng has even moved beyond the Internet, with IKEA Korea offering “home party boxes” accompanied by the theme, “Perfection is Unnecessary, Share Delicious Time Together.” Boxes contain various items for cooking, planting, and decorating at home, and are designed specifically to elicit joy without stressing perfection. The Swedish furniture and home goods store partnered with South Korean pop star Henry Lau to create these imperfectly perfect boxes. In a statement, Lau remarked: “I collaborated with IKEA for this event because I often have a home party with my friends and also huge interest in home furnishing including interior design,” adding, “The way to enjoy home parties more easily and pleasantly is to be free from any pressure for perfect preparations.”


Are there ways to incorporate sohwakhaeng into your life today? For Kim Tae-hee, an office worker in Korea, inspiration comes naturally because it’s “simple and ordinary.” If you're having trouble, think small: search for a delicious whiff that reminds you of childhood or the spark of a feeling no words could ever do justice to. Call an old friend, just because you miss their voice; marvel at a well-written sentence in the book you're reading. Perhaps there's a tree that seems to wave to you right outside the bedroom window. Maybe today, you wave back.

Sohwakhaeng asks, "What could be more radical than finding divinity in a cup of coffee?" Today, there are limitless opportunities to find small but certain happiness. You just have to know where to look.

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Expert shares the key 'brain training' trick to master the cravings you can't resist

Here's how to break bad habits.

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A woman tempted by a chocolate bar.

Imagine a life where you had complete control over your cravings. You'd be able to resist that big hunk of chocolate cake. You’d be able to know when enough is enough with alcohol and drugs. You’d also have the willpower to put your phone down when your mind tells you to pick it up and start scrolling through Instagram.

While perfect self-control seems impossible (and not very fun), studies show that a technique called urge surfing is very effective at helping people control their cravings so they become less frequent and intense over time. Instead of using white-knuckled willpower to get through an uncomfortable craving, urge surfing is a practice where you observe the craving as it moves through your body until it goes away.

What is urge surfing?

Let’s say you have a strong urge to eat a candy bar. Picture the urge as a wave and imagine yourself riding the wave as it naturally ebbs and flows rather than fighting the urge to give in to the craving. You recognize the urge, pay attention to the accompanying thoughts, and feel the sensations that go through your body. It’s all about accepting the craving and allowing it to pass.

surfing, surfers, waves, mindfulness, cravings, ocean, swimmingA surfer catching air.via Canva/Photos

Jennifer Salzaman, known on TikTok as @RebelwithoutaDrink, explained the practice in a video. “Urge surfing is exactly what it sounds like. It’s riding out an urge just like a surfer rides a wave. When that craving or that urge peaks, it feels like it will never go away, and you have to act on it. But you don't, as uncomfortable as it is, it is just a feeling. It's just a thought, and it will pass if you can stay present, and you can stay curious, and you can let that urge and that craving run its course. You're training your brain to deal with the discomfort. The more you do this, the easier it will be to achieve the changes that you seek.”

@rebelwithoutadrink

Urge surfing is a technique for managing our unwanted behaviors. Rather than giving in to an urge, we can learn to ride it out, like a surfer riding a wave. After a short time, the urge will pass on its own! #quitdrinking #cravings #alcoholfreejourney

Dr. Sanam Hafeez tells Verywell Mind that understanding the ocean metaphor is important because it gives us a reference point to realize that the craving will peak and pass. Hafeez says, "Visualize the urge as a wave in the ocean, rising in intensity before eventually cresting and subsiding." She suggests you "picture yourself riding this wave, allowing it to peak without giving in to impulsive actions." Remind yourself that “urges, like waves, are temporary and will eventually pass if you allow them to."

According to Dartmouth-Hitchcock Addiction and Recovery, the most you’ll have to surf any craving is 30 minutes, and then it will leave you alone for a while. However, it’s crucial to surf them, not to feed them. “We feed urges through ruminating, giving them attention, planning to fulfill them, engaging in apparently irrelevant and unimportant behaviors, justifying, etc. Urges will pass on their own if we allow them to,” the recovery center says.

mindfulness, peaceful, restful, woman resting, woman as peace, woman satisfiedA woman relaxing on the couch. via Canva/Photos

The great thing is that after you successfully surf a few urges and they go away, it will train your brain to handle the discomfort, which will make handling cravings increasingly easier. Most cravings will become more manageable, less frequent, and intense over time. The key is to train your brain to handle them through surfing.

It should be said that urge surfing is just one tool for helping people overcome intense cravings. It is not meant to be a replacement for professional treatment for a serious addiction or disorder. If you are suffering from problems stemming from drug or alcohol addiction or disordered eating, please get professional help.

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Expert shares how people and families can fall into the curmudgeon trap and how to escape

It starts as a fear response and becomes an exhausting personality.

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Three people who ae very grumpy.

Is there anyone in your life who is negative about everything? They seem to lack joy and avoid positivity altogether. They mock people for their vulnerabilities and are always down to give you a dose of “realism” when you get your hopes up for anything. These people are known as curmudgeons and their Debbie Downer personalities can take over entire families and suck the joy out of everyone.

Why are people curmudgeonly?

Clinical psychologist, Dr. Angelica Shiels, recently broke down how people get infected with what she calls “curmudgeonitis” and how it can take over entire family identities. She says that it begins at first as an anxiety response. Because the person is afraid, they must think of potential dangers five steps ahead. But eventually, this becomes a personality type, even when they aren’t facing any threat. “So it becomes just like a personality style when it starts as an anxiety reaction,” Sheils said.

@dr..angelica.shie

#familysystems #toxicnegativity #connection #flight response #superiority #negative

Shiels says that this personality type can spread inside a family, engulfing everyone and even being passed down through generations. “This is when you have a very long line of nobody being vulnerable, including and especially the type of vulnerability that comes with being positive,” Shiels says. This personality pattern is terrible for individuals and families because it prevents people from truly feeling connected.

“Nobody connects or bonds over anything positive because that's just too vulnerable and then you don't end up having real relationship because you are depressing the life inside of you and you're gonna be ostracized if you don't go along with the chromaginitis rules of ‘we just give negative reviews’ and ‘ugh this this disgusting,’” Shiels continues.

Being part of a family or in a relationship with someone who reacts negatively to everything is incredibly stifling. If you like something, they think it’s bad. If you feel hopeful, they will try to squash it. If you think something went well, they will pick it apart. If you go to an event together, they will find a way to take the joy out of it, and if you’re looking for approval from them, it will never happen.

@dr..angelica.shie

Replying to @Grace Lawley #jung #anima #animus #rigid #neuroticism #balance #male #female #survival #creation

In a follow-up video, Shiels says people can overcome this incredible negative personality by being exposed to more creativity, wonder, and “lively flexibility,” or what Carl Jung called the anima. This can help them overcome their rigid mindset.

How to deal with negative people

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

But in the meantime, before the incredibly negative person (or people) in your life can break free from their rigid ways, how do you handle all that Debbie Downer energy? Mel Robbins, New York Times best-selling author, podcast host, and motivational expert, says that you should build up your “positivity shield.” She says you should create an imaginary positive force field yourself that allows you to smile and have a positive outlook, even in the presence of those who want to take you down.

“Your positivity shield protects you from negative energy bringing you down," Robbins says. "And here's the other thing, it's kind of contagious to other people, too. So, if you're positive, if you're smiling, if you don't let somebody bumping into you bother you … you can feel something lifting them, too.”

One of the greatest gifts a good therapist offers is helping you understand things in a way that protects you from toxic people and environments. Shiels' video reminds us that when we come across negative people, we should understand that it’s a coping mechanism that has stuck around far too long and treat it as such.

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