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'Who should I be?': Video explains why having a self-absorbed parent robs you of a personality

Having a self-absorbed parent is a terrible trap.

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A man sitting alone with a blank stare.

Have you ever met someone who doesn’t seem to have their own thoughts, opinions, or tastes? They tend to glom onto the personalities of their friends and will change their views on important issues, such as politics or religion, on a whim. When you try to get a sense of their core, it doesn’t seem there is much of one at all.

According to the School of Life, a social media company founded by writer Alain de Botton that helps people better understand themselves and others, a significant reason people around us appear to lack a true sense of self is that they were born to self-absorbed parents. So, if you’re having a hard time understanding a friend who has a weak sense of self or fear you have one yourself, here’s how School of Life explains the issue.

- YouTube youtu.be

Why do some people lack a strong sense of self?

“These poor souls tend to be the products of very particular sorts of childhood. When little, they will have faced environments in which their uniqueness was never a matter of concern to their self-absorbed caregivers. Mother or father were never able to push their needs aside for a time, drop to their level and ask: Who is this extraordinary new member of the human race whom I have helped to create? What are their particular inclinations and loves, and hates? What do they have to tell me? They were far too perturbed and fragile for such self-abnegation. They couldn’t attune to the child—and so the child could not, in turn, attune to themselves, for we can only find out what we think if, in the early days, someone was sufficiently patient to facilitate our own process of self-discovery,” the video states.

sad girl, lonely girl confused girl, personality, self-absorbed parents, girl touching face A girl who is outside and holding her cheeks.via Canva/Photos

It can be tough for someone to go through life with a weak sense of self because they are constantly worried by the opinions of others, and they have a loud inner critic. The pain of having to repress their true selves for years can lead them to have an intense internal rage that they keep deep down, until they can no longer hold it back anymore.

Those who build friendships or fall in love with individuals who have a weak sense of self may be initially charmed by them. They are interested in everything that we love and are happy to mirror us in an incredibly flattering way. Until, of course, the winds change and they follow someone new, transforming into someone completely different. “We can find ourselves dropped like a stone,” the video says. “And yet ironically, we may have been very right for them: they just didn’t know enough about who they were to trust their original instincts.”

man in suit, confident man, man with tie, man in blue suit, man with beard A man in a blue suit.via Canva/Photos

How can people regain their sense of self?

A medically reviewed article from Psych Central shows that people raised by self-absorbed parents can strengthen their sense of self by tuning into themselves instead of looking to others for direction. That inner voice may be faint at first, but when given proper attention, it can become louder.

How to cultivate a strong sense of self according to Psych Central:

  • Take time to analyze what your thoughts say about the type of person you are. Do you think of yourself as someone smart, funny, kind, and competent?
  • Try to believe in who you are and the person you can become. Thinking of yourself as a “work in progress” can help lower the volume on your inner critic.
  • Exercise your mental muscle of self-awareness. Regular examination of how you think and feel about yourself can foster greater insight and appreciation of your sense of self.
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8 signs you're experiencing  'Functional Freeze,' the hidden trauma response affecting productivity

You're not lazy, just stuck.

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You're not alone in this.

Have you ever found yourself at your desk, ticking off tasks like a robot, feeling as if you're observing your life from the outside? Or perhaps you've spent late nights binge-watching episodes of Big Brother while fully aware that you should be sleeping, yet unable to stop?

That might not be laziness or lack of motivation. You could be experiencing something called a “functional freeze,” a state that’s more common than you might realize. You're not alone in this.


woman, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed Woman looks down, dejected. Photo credit: Canva

People describe the experience of a functional freeze as “running on autopilot while simultaneously drowning.” It’s a sophisticated psychological state where individuals maintain outward functionality while experiencing profound internal emotional disconnection. On the outside, you’re getting things done—showing up to work on time, paying bills, hitting the gym—but on the inside, it’s a complete physiological and emotional shutdown, leaving you disconnected from everything. Effectively, you are functional yet frozen.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re just going through the motions of life without actually living it, keep reading. This article might change how you view what’s going on in your brain and body.

What is a functional freeze, anyway?

This phenomenon occurs when the nervous system becomes overwhelmed by chronic stress, trauma, or persistent demands, such as a demanding job, caretaking responsibilities, or financial pressures, which triggers the dorsal vagal complex: a primitive survival mechanism that induces emotional and psychological shutdown.

Think of it like your phone when it’s at 2% battery. Yes, everything technically works, but it’s sluggish, apps keep crashing, and you’re just trying to make it through until you can reach a charger. That’s your brain on functional freeze.


via GIPHY

The science behind it is fascinating and slightly terrifying. When you’re constantly stressed or overwhelmed, your sympathetic nervous system—the part of your nervous system that controls your body's 'fight-or-flight' responses—gets stuck in the “on” position.

It’s like your nervous system is playing dead, which worked great for our ancestors avoiding sabertoothed tigers, but isn’t so helpful when you’re trying to navigate modern life.

Being in this state is more than just feeling “blah” or being in a cranky mood. Functional freeze is a legitimate neurobiological response to chronic stress, and it can last for weeks, months, or even years if left unchecked.

The tricky part is that because you’re still functioning—still showing up, still getting things done—it often goes unrecognized by both you and the people around you.

8 key signs of functional freeze

You feel emotionally numb

The hallmark sign of functional freeze involves severely diminished emotional responses… all the time. You know how some people describe depression as feeling sad constantly? (Crying, can’t get out of bed, etc.) Functional freeze is more like feeling nothing at all.


woman, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed Functional freeze divorces you from emotion. Photo credit: Canva

Your best friend gets engaged, and you’re genuinely happy for her, but the emotion feels like it was auto-generated, instead of something you feel in your body. You get a parking ticket (which would normally outrage you, but this time, it’s just a shrug of the shoulders. Good things happen, bad things happen, and your emotional response is nowhere to be seen.

Feeling like this isn’t stoicism or being emotionally mature. Your feelings are locked away, stashed in a safe where you can’t access them.

Your body feels like it belongs to someone else

In a functional freeze, you become disconnected from your physical self. You might ignore hunger cues, forget to drink water, or not notice that your shoulders have been practically touching your ears from stress.

People describe it as sensations of “floating outside themselves” or feeling like they’re “watching their life happen from a distance”. It’s not quite dissociation, but you don’t feel present in your skin.

Autopilot mode

When you're a functional freeze, even simple decisions feel overwhelming. You might find yourself doing the same things over and over—same lunch, same songs to listen to, same Netflix show on repeat—not because you love these things, but because choosing feels impossible. Your struggle with decision-making is real and valid.


woman, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed Are your days starting to blur together?Photo credit: Canva

Your days start to blur together because you’re not present for any of them. You’re going through the motions, but there’s no real intentionality behind your actions.

Persistent procrastination and decision paralysis

Here’s where functional freeze gets cruel: you can handle the basics (mostly), but anything beyond survival seems insurmountable. That creative project you’ve been so excited about? The closet that needs organizing? Your friend’s birthday is inching closer and closer, and you've yet to buy a gift. They all feel like climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops.

Your brain doesn’t have the bandwidth for non-essential tasks because it’s using all its energy to keep you upright and moving.

People are exhausting, even the ones you love

Social interactions start to feel performative, like you’re playing yourself in a movie about your life. Your brain reminds you that you love your friends, but hanging out with them feels like an unavoidable obligation. You find yourself canceling plans—not because you’re busy, but because the thought of having to be “on” already exhausts you.


masks, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed People experiencing a functional freeze might feel like they're wearing a mask in social interactions. Photo credit: Canva

Functional freeze often drives individuals toward increasing social isolation, not from depression or anxiety, but from a fundamental disconnection from interpersonal experiences. Being alone starts to feel genuinely easier than trying to connect with others.

Your brain is moving through molasses

You know that feeling when you first wake up and your thoughts are all foggy? In a functional freeze, that’s pretty much your entire day. Everyday tasks take longer, information needs repetition, and mental sharpness feels sluggish and dull.


via GIPHY

Mental fog of this magnitude can be especially frustrating if you’re used to being on top of your game. You’re still competent, but everything requires more effort than it should.

You’re tired in your bones

This isn’t a “Oops, I stayed up watching Can Me If You Can too late last night,” tired. It’s a “I could sleep for 12 hours and still wake up exhausted” tired. Rest alone won’t alleviate this level of fatigue because your system is stuck in survival mode.

It’s a profound, persistent energy depletion that rest doesn’t resolve, often accompanied by a sense of being “wired but tired,” like your body is buzzing with anxious energy while simultaneously feeling like you could collapse at any moment.

Numbing behaviors feel like salvation

When everything feels too much, it’s natural to reach for things that help you check out. You might be mindlessly scrolling social media for hours, binging shows you’re not even interested in, or pouring that third glass of wine to feel something (or block out the nothingness).

These aren’t necessarily unhealthy behaviors in moderation, but in functional freeze, they become compulsive ways to avoid dealing with the disconnection you’re feeling.


woman, sad, stuck, emotional, overwhelmed Woman feeling checked out. Photo credit: Canva

The good news: You can get unstuck

Let’s be clear: if you recognized yourself in the descriptions above, you are not broken, lazy, or weak. Functional freeze is your nervous system trying to protect you. It’s just doing a lousy job of it at this point.

Recovery isn’t about powering through or forcing yourself to feel better. It’s about gently coaxing your nervous system back online. Here’s how to start:

  1. Start with the breath. Your breath is the fastest way to communicate with your nervous system, and it’s one of the few things you can control when everything else feels chaotic. Try the 4-7-8 technique: breathe in for four counts, hold for seven, exhale for eight.
  2. Get back in your body. When you’re stuck in functional freeze, gentle movement can help reconnect you with your physical self. Try stretching, gentle yoga, or even just shaking your body like you’re a dog getting out of water (shaking helps discharge stored stress energy. Animals do it naturally after escaping predators.)
  3. Make tiny decisions. Since decision-making feels overwhelming in a functional freeze, start embarrassingly small. Choose between two of your favorite snacks. Pick which song to listen to. Decide whether to wear the blue shirt or the black one. These micro-decisions help rebuild your executive functioning without overwhelming your already taxed system.
  4. Create anchors in the day. When everything feels blurry and autopilot-y, small rituals can help you feel more present. Maybe it’s consciously tasting your morning coffee instead of chugging it. (Is that a note of hazelnut, you detect?) Or stepping outside for five minutes after lunch and breathing in the fresh air, no screens allowed. These aren’t life-changing habits—they’re just little moments where you pause and notice you exist.
  5. Find professional help. Look for practitioners who understand trauma-informed care, somatic experiencing, or polyvagal theory. These approaches work with your nervous system rather than just trying to think your way out of the problem. EMDR, somatic experiencing, and trauma-sensitive yoga can be beneficial because they address the physiological aspects of being stuck, not just the mental ones.

woman, smiling, therapy, connection, feelings Remember, you are not alone. Photo credit: Canva

You’re not alone

If you’re struggling with functional freeze, remember that you are not alone. In our hyperconnected, always-on world, functional freeze has become nearly epidemic. We’re all trying to fit into an overstimulated society that isn’t designed for the human nervous system.

The fact that you’re reading this, that you’re looking for answers and ways to feel more alive in your own life—that’s already a step toward unfreezing. Your awareness is the beginning of change.

Your feelings are still there, waiting for you to come back to them. And when you’re ready, they’ll be there to welcome you home.

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I've lived with face blindness my entire life. These 5 tips from real people are game changers.

Fake it till you make it.

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A woman only sees half her face.

If you know, you know. Face blindness, or as medical professionals call it, prosopagnosia, can be frustrating even in its mildest form. For me, it's the constant disappointment I see on people's faces when I don't register who they are. One time, I didn't identify my own comedy agent at the Laugh Factory. Another more egregious time, I didn't recognize my boyfriend of three years at the mall. (I didn't expect to see him and he was wearing a hat. He never wears hats!)

I used to have a joke that, to me, everyone looks like some version of actor Tobey Maguire no matter their gender, race, or height. I would be awful picking out a suspect in a police lineup, because I'd just keep saying, "Um, he was Spiderman, I think?"

The topic of face blindness isn't new. In neurologist Oliver Sacks's book The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, he writes, among many things, about a case study in which someone has a much more complex, severe condition processing stimuli called visual agnosia. Sacks discusses the neurological theories behind the condition, even adding in philosophical and Freudian explanations.

- Neurologist Oliver Sacks discusses what it's like to have prosopagnosia. www.youtube.com, CNN

The condition is actually somewhat common. According to Neuroscience News, 1 in 50 people have mild face blindness or "developmental prosopagnosia."

In her recent piece "Even mild face blindness can cause serious difficulties in daily life – new study," for The Conversation, psychologist Judith Lowes asks, "Have you ever been ignored by someone you knew when you bumped into them in the street or at an event? If so, you probably thought they were being rude. But they might have face blindness–a condition officially known as developmental prosopagnosia."

Her findings were fascinating. "In a new study my colleagues and I conducted, 29 adults with face blindness revealed the daily challenges they face. Ten of the participants said they could not reliably recognise immediate family members, and 12 couldn’t recognise closest friends in out-of-context or unexpected encounters. Yet many felt it was socially difficult to admit these struggles."

-People talk about their experience with face blindness. www.youtube.com, The New York Times

The study concludes prosopagnosia might be a form of neurodivergence, and somewhere on the autism/ADHD spectrum. She writes that recognizing face blindness as a "form of neurodivergence isn’t just about awareness, it’s about dignity, inclusion, and making everyday life easier for thousands of people."

But, for my fellow face-blind folks, there's hope and help. On the subreddit r/Prosopagnosia, an OP asks "Strategies for recognizing people?" Their more specific question is "How do y’all compensate for your face blindness?" The comments section bursts with ideas.

Come from the assumption that you know everyone

A few people suggest greeting people with "good to see you," instead of "nice to meet you," no matter what. I do this and while it seems strange at first, it's a way of faking it until you make it. Then if it's a short conversation, no harm, no foul.

Learn to rely on vocal cues

If, let's say using the last example, you need to buy more time. Listen closely to a person's voice. For me, my auditory memory is intact, so if I can just get a few seconds with vocal cues, my recognition sensors set in.

Be honest and open about the condition

Other Redditors recommend a more honest approach. One shares, "I’m open about it. I say something like 'I’m so sorry, I have face blindness, can you remind me how we know each other?' And people are usually really kind about it. The only time it’s been truly awkward for me was when the response was 'Ten years of friendship?!' (She’d changed her very distinctive hair.)"

Look for specific traits to memorize

This has truly helped me. When I'm meeting someone, especially someone I assume I'll see again, I try to find one thing on their face I can remember. A beauty mark on their cheek or a tattoo on their arm. Then, personally, I repeat it in my head: "Mike, tattoo, Mike, tattoo." Another Redditor advised to "look for scars." Same idea—find something on them that won't likely change and commit it to the space in your brain where the memory of their face would have gone.

Subtly ask for more context

This is a big one. Like many of us, it becomes kind of a game of fishing for information without awkwardly giving yourself away. I'll often ask, "When was the last time I saw you?" And if they say, "At our high school reunion of course," then boom—that's information! Once I have just a few pieces of the face blindness jigsaw puzzle, I can piece it together pretty quickly. (And then I often overcompensate once I realize who they are. "Oh yeah! You were wearing the cutest pink dress! How's Steve? Still living in Milwaukee?")

As one commenter put it, "Bluffing and hoping for some context from the conversation's clues."

face blindness clues, tattoo, body markings, memory Tattoo artist with a canine assistant creates colorful ink. Giphy

While many in this and other threads online discuss the anxiety and embarrassment that can come as a result of this condition, it is not all that uncommon. And if we approach it from the neurodivergence standpoint, as Lowes proposes, it might make it easier to discuss and give grace to ourselves and others.

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Leading psychologist shares the trick to learning new skills when it feels so frustrating

What are the frustrating barriers holding you back?

via Business Wire and Canva

A girl is frustrated learning piano and Dr. Becky Kennedy.

Everyone has a particular skill they’d like to learn, but many of us fall short of our goals due to frustration. After a few hours of playing guitar, your fingers hurt. It’s upsetting to shank the golf ball every time you try your pitching wedge. You want to finish a novel, but the writer’s block gets in the way.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, mom of three, and author of Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Being the Parent You Want to Be, says that instead of seeing frustration as a hindrance, it’s time to recognize it for what it is: a sign that you’re acquiring a new skill. “The more we understand that the frustration and struggle is actually a sign we’re [learning], not a sign we’re doing something wrong, it becomes a lot easier to tolerate,” Kennedy told CNBC's Make It.

How to fight back against frustration when learning something new

Kennedy’s advice is eye-opening because we often label temporary feelings of frustration as signs of failure when, in reality, it’s a sign that we are building a new skill. There is no way to learn anything new that doesn’t feel frustrating or require resilience.

@aarondinin

Hope you enjoy learning from @Dr. Becky | Psychologist as much as my class did! #learningtofail #dukestudents #resilience

In a video posted to TikTok, Kennedy notes that there are two stages of learning something new—“Learning” and “Not Learning”—and that the only thing in between those two stages, the "Learning Space," is nothing but frustration. “Being resilient doesn't feel resilient at all. It feels so messy,” she tells the students in the video. “No matter what, you're learning something on a job, something from puzzles, learning to read, you don't know how to do it, you want to know how to do it. And what I think is really empowering to know is the Learning Space has one feeling associated with it: Frustration. That's literally how learning feels.”

What is the Learning Space?

The key is to reframe the feeling of frustration from one of failure to progress. Once you see frustration in a new way, you’ll be more likely to power through it.

A great way to visualize frustration is to imagine that the uncomfortable feeling you have in your head is neurons in your brain realigning to help you get through the task and wire the new skill into your brain. It’s a brief moment of being under construction, and soon, a new you will emerge with a talent you never had before.

In another video, Kennedy explains how many of us were taught to avoid frustration as children, which means a lot of us stop short of reaching our full potential. But those of us who can stay in that Learning Space will be able to go to it again and again, drastically improving our potential.

@drbeckyatgoodinside

You may have seen the video of me guest lecturing at my alma mater, Duke University, in a class called Learning to Fail, which is part of the resilience curriculum. I spoke about the concept of the Learning Space, and the video has now been shared 246,000 times. 🤯 I’m absolutely blown away by your reaction to this video. The Learning Space is something I feel deeply passionate about, and it’s a concept I’m always trying to instill in my own kids. At Good Inside, we focus on building capability, not fragility. We don’t prioritize short-term gratification; our goal is to build skills today that will help our kids thrive as adults in the future. So to everyone who’s sharing this idea, drawing your own versions of “The Learning Space,” and instilling this concept in your kids, thank you. Together, we’re raising a generation of strong, resilient children.

“When I think about my kids and learning to fail, or really, in my language, learning to struggle, I want them to become experts,” Kennedy said. “Not experts at knowing, experts at staying in the learning space. My goal with my kids is like, I want you to get comfortable in that space. Because the knowing and the success happens whenever it happens, but it always happens in more areas of life and more quickly for the people who can stay in the frustration.”

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