A man sitting alone with a blank stare.
Have you ever met someone who doesn’t seem to have their own thoughts, opinions, or tastes? They tend to glom onto the personalities of their friends and will change their views on important issues, such as politics or religion, on a whim. When you try to get a sense of their core, it doesn’t seem there is much of one at all.
According to the School of Life, a social media company founded by writer Alain de Botton that helps people better understand themselves and others, a significant reason people around us appear to lack a true sense of self is that they were born to self-absorbed parents. So, if you’re having a hard time understanding a friend who has a weak sense of self or fear you have one yourself, here’s how School of Life explains the issue.
- YouTube youtu.be
Why do some people lack a strong sense of self?
“These poor souls tend to be the products of very particular sorts of childhood. When little, they will have faced environments in which their uniqueness was never a matter of concern to their self-absorbed caregivers. Mother or father were never able to push their needs aside for a time, drop to their level and ask: Who is this extraordinary new member of the human race whom I have helped to create? What are their particular inclinations and loves, and hates? What do they have to tell me? They were far too perturbed and fragile for such self-abnegation. They couldn’t attune to the child—and so the child could not, in turn, attune to themselves, for we can only find out what we think if, in the early days, someone was sufficiently patient to facilitate our own process of self-discovery,” the video states.
A girl who is outside and holding her cheeks.via Canva/Photos
It can be tough for someone to go through life with a weak sense of self because they are constantly worried by the opinions of others, and they have a loud inner critic. The pain of having to repress their true selves for years can lead them to have an intense internal rage that they keep deep down, until they can no longer hold it back anymore.
Those who build friendships or fall in love with individuals who have a weak sense of self may be initially charmed by them. They are interested in everything that we love and are happy to mirror us in an incredibly flattering way. Until, of course, the winds change and they follow someone new, transforming into someone completely different. “We can find ourselves dropped like a stone,” the video says. “And yet ironically, we may have been very right for them: they just didn’t know enough about who they were to trust their original instincts.”
A man in a blue suit.via Canva/Photos
How can people regain their sense of self?
A medically reviewed article from Psych Central shows that people raised by self-absorbed parents can strengthen their sense of self by tuning into themselves instead of looking to others for direction. That inner voice may be faint at first, but when given proper attention, it can become louder.
How to cultivate a strong sense of self according to Psych Central:
- Take time to analyze what your thoughts say about the type of person you are. Do you think of yourself as someone smart, funny, kind, and competent?
- Try to believe in who you are and the person you can become. Thinking of yourself as a “work in progress” can help lower the volume on your inner critic.
- Exercise your mental muscle of self-awareness. Regular examination of how you think and feel about yourself can foster greater insight and appreciation of your sense of self.
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