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Socially anxious man details his 2-year process for finally overcoming his shyness

"Two years ago, I couldn't order pizza over the phone without rehearsing it five times first."

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Man shares how he overcame his social anxiety and shyness.

Social anxiety and shyness can be crippling. However, one man who battled social anxiety and being shy opened up about how he overcame his shyness and social anxiety over two years.

The man, who goes by the username Educationalcurve6 on Reddit, explained in a post, "Two years ago, I couldn't order pizza over the phone without rehearsing it five times first. Going to parties gave me panic attacks. Making small talk felt like trying to speak a foreign language I'd never learned. Now I can start conversations with strangers, speak up in meetings, and actually enjoy social situations."

He detailed seven important steps he took to beat his shyness and social anxiety with hopes that others who struggle can feel more confident.

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Start stupidly small.
"Don't jump into deep conversations first. Start with 'thank you' to the cashier," he wrote. "Nod at people walking by. Say 'good morning' to your neighbor. Build the muscle slowly. It doesn't matter if its small talk just learn to get into the habit of talking."

Ask questions instead of trying to be interesting.
"'How's your day going?' 'What brings you here?' People love talking about themselves. You don't need to be funny or clever just genuinely curious. Plus it makes conversations longer," he shared.

Use the 3-second rule.
Another tool he used helped him with speaking. "When you want to say something but feel scared, count to 3 and force yourself to speak," he explained. "Don't give your brain time to talk you out of it. The longer you negotiate with your brain the harder it will feel like."

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Embrace being awkward.
Another big step he took: giving up on avoiding awkwardness. "I said weird stuff deliberately. I stumbled over words. I had uncomfortable silences," he wrote. "Guess what? People forgot about it in 5 minutes, but I remembered that I survived it. People move on."

Find your "social training ground."
"For me, it was the gym. Same people every day, low-stakes conversations," he added. "Find a place where you can practice regularly with the same group. Could also be in the library."

Stop apologizing for existing.
Ultimately, he started to value himself. "'Sorry, can I ask you something?' became 'Can I ask you something?' 'Sorry to bother you' became 'Excuse me'," he explained. "Stop starting conversations like you're inconveniencing people. It's not a mistake you were born. So stop being sorry all the time."

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Remember: Everyone's focused on themselves.
Finally, he reminded others that no one is paying as much attention as you may perceive. "That embarrassing thing you said? They're not thinking about it; they're worried about what they said," he shared. "Everyone's too busy being self-conscious to judge you as much as you think. That's why letting overthinking get the best of us never ends well."

He concluded his story with one last note of encouragement: "If you take nothing else from this just remember you don't overcome shyness by waiting until you feel confident. You build confidence by doing scary social things while feeling scared," he wrote.

What causes shyness?

Shyness is caused by a combination of nature and nurture.

"It’s not that it’s one or the other; it’s both [genes and environment] and they work together," Thalia Eley, professor of developmental behavioral genetics at Kings College London, told the BBC. “It's a dynamic system."

According to Eley, shyness is 30% caused by genetics while the remaining 70% is due to environmental factors. Specifically, shyness develops as a survival strategy.

“It was useful to have people in your group who were off out there exploring and engaging in new groups but it was also useful for people who were more risk averse, [were] more aware of threat and would do a better job protecting young offspring, for example,” Eley added.

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Self-development expert shares the number 1 small talk mistake you must avoid

One small fix can totally level up your small talk game.

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A woman and man enjoying some wine together.

The dirty little secret that people who are great at socializing know—and those who always feel awkward at parties may not—is that being a confident conversationalist isn’t necessarily something you’re “born with.” In fact, many great conversationalists are those who have worked at it and used expert advice to hone their craft.

Let’s face it, people who are great conversationalists have a distinct advantage in life; they are more likely to get ahead at work, have great first dates, and develop great friendships. One way to improve your social skills is to get better at the basic interaction we all deal with every day: small talk. Whether you’re in the coffee room at work, sitting on the train on the weekend, or having a drink with someone you met online, knowing how to elevate chit chat into something deeper and more meaningful is an important skill to have.

party, small talk, chit chat, young people, band, living room A group of young people at a party.via Canva/Photos

What's the biggest small talk mistake to avoid?

Kat Boogaard, a writer specializing in self- and career-development, productivity, and entrepreneurship, shared a valuable tip in an Inc. article that serves as a great starting point for those looking to improve their conversation skills. She revealed a common mistake many people make when initiating a conversation, which often leads to dead ends and awkward silences.

“Picture this: A professional acquaintance you haven’t seen in some time walks up to start a conversation and says, ‘Hey! How are you?’ How do you respond?” she asks. “If you’re like most people, you retort immediately with something like, 'I’m great. How are you?' Aside from just a couple of short words, you’ve really only answered his question with another question.”

Instead of responding with a pat response and another question, she recommends that you “beef up” your response. This will encourage the other person to do the same, providing a greater number of threads for the conversation to take off. “This can look like, ‘My day was great! I had a really productive afternoon meeting where we discussed our website redesign, which I’m really excited about. How about you?” Then, more likely than not, the other person will respond with an experience of their own.

Here’s how not to have a conversation:

Friend: “Hey! How are you?”

You: “Great! How are you?”

Friend: “Same old, same old.”

Awkward silence.


How to have a conversation:

Friend: “Hey! How are you?”

You: “Great! You know I saw [mutual friend] earlier today, and she is doing really well in her new swim class. How are you?

Friend: “Great! I didn’t know that [mutual friend] was into swimming. Where is she taking the class?

Now, this conversation train has left the station and is heading down the tracks towards somewhere fun and informative.

couple talking, man and woman talking, chit chat, small talk, couple on bench, A couple talking on a bench.via Canva/Photos

What is the 'threading' small talk technique?

Boogaard’s advice is similar to the “threading” technique that Lorraine Lee, an award-winning virtual keynote speaker and CEO of RISE Learning Solutions, shared with CNBC Make It. Lee suggests that when someone asks an opening question, instead of replying with something predictable, respond with multiple “threads” that allow the person you’re talking to to choose where to take the conversation.

Question: “Cold outside, isn’t it?”

Predictable answer: “Yeah, I’m freezing.”

Good answer: “It reminds me of the blizzard we had a few years back. What year was that?”

The “good answer” here also gives the person you’re talking to two threads. They can speculate on the date of the blizzard or share their experience with the snowstorm. The “predictable answer” stops the conversation in its tracks.

Ultimately, being good at small talk means giving the person you’re talking to some material to work with and avoiding being predictable with an answer that makes it look like you’re on autopilot. Giving a considered, thoughtful response to someone not only gives you a new place to take the conversation, but it also shows that you appreciate their company enough to put some thought into your responses.

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Older generations are put off by the 'Gen Z stare.' Here's why it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Gen Z is exposing older generations without saying a word.

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Here's why the 'Gen Z stare' isn't necessarily a bad thing

Everyone's talking about the "Gen Z stare." There's even a debate between Gen Z and other generations on what the phenomenon is. Gen Z says it's their customer service look when a customer asks them a ridiculous question like "is there ice in the iced tea," but people who have experienced it report otherwise.

According to older generations, they're referring to the younger folks as simply staring at customers with a neutral face instead of greeting a customer before taking an order. This deadpan look also occurs when a customer tries to make small talk while ordering food or shopping for items in a retail situation. But it's not necessarily a bad thing and doesn't always mean something is developmentally amiss.

gen z; gen z stare; Millennials; gen z social skills; social skills; screen time; small talk Close-up portrait with an intense gaze.Photo credit: Canva

To some it confirms that Gen Z is socially awkward or lacks the social skills to succeed in the workforce. Other people contribute the seemingly odd silence to the generation being exposed to screens at an early age, while some say it's due to the pandemic. As a therapist who has worked with Gen Z, there may be more to unpack around the older generations' reactions to the stare than there is about the stare itself.

Generations from the Silent Generation down to Millennials have been raised to speak to people when spoken to, even if you don't want to or you don't particularly like the other person. Not speaking, especially to older people or in a customer service setting was often described as being rude. There was a lot of emphasis put on performing niceness in public or in front of company. This social expectation also transferred into the workplace, which is may be why many older people feel like Gen Z is lacking an important social skill.

In my experience working with younger people, it's not that they don't have the social skill to have these interactions. Many Gen Z simply don't see the point in performing social niceties with strangers or people they don't plan to build community with. They're not uncomfortable with silence, awkward or otherwise. When I've had Gen Z clients, they're cordial and engaged but when we're at a point in the session that calls for silence, they don't shy away from it.

On the other hand when I see older generations, moments of silent processing are often cut short and filled with small talk. Even when redirected older generations appear to struggle more with silence. It could be avoidance of uncomfortable feelings in the moment, worry they'll be judged by the therapist or feeling that they're not fully utilizing their therapy session if moments of silence seem too long. Some feel that they need to make use of all of their time, unable to turn off the hustle.

gen z; gen z stare; Millennials; gen z social skills; social skills; screen time; small talk Woman in a stylish fashion store with shoe and handbag displays.Photo credit: Canva

Another interesting observation from raising Gen Z kids as an elder Millennial and working with them professionally–we raised them. One common thing that was repeated in friend groups and therapy sessions is that Millennials and Gen Xers hated when their parents forced social interactions upon them. Because of this, many of the people in my age cohort didn't force their children to speak to strangers or make small talk with children or people the child didn't like.

Could the "Gen Z stare" be a product of our own doing? Is it a combination of them being comfortable in silence and not seeing the point in surface level conversations? I do think it's the latter. Gen Z is much more collectivist and community focused seeking out deeper connections while avoiding meaningless small talk. Of course this doesn't apply to every Gen Zer, some love to chat and would have zero problem talking to their own reflection. Some are completely comfortable with getting through their shift with as little social interaction as humanly possible even if they're in a customer facing position.

@talking2myphone

Ngl I always leave restaurants when I get the gen z stare of a waiter at the front 😭 #GenZStare

Being comfortable in silence is not only important in therapy, it is important in life. While placing your order with someone who didn't greet you isn't likely to cause an existential crisis, maybe sitting with and working through the discomfort the interaction did cause isn't a bad thing.

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The 13 signs that someone is 'dangerously good' at reading people

"You feel comfortable talking to them, and you find yourself sharing things with them that you don’t typically share."

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A woman enjoying a conversation while drinking wine.

Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people's words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.

People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?

Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.

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This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.

abusive dad, angy dad, man drinking coffee, man in a robe, man pointing An angry man in his kitchen.via Canva/Photos

To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What's a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.

Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.

1. You immediately overshare

"You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share."

2. They're hard to read

"They themselves are typically hard to read."

"Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know."

3. They're neutral observers

"Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better."

"My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking."


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4. They had unpredictable parents

"Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse."

"This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there's a good chance bad things happen to me. It's born out of necessity."

5. They know you before you open your mouth

"They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding."

6. They're accurate

"When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate... like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different."

7. They may sabotage themselves

"People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times."

"OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I've ever seen...and she's terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems."


man and woman, man in suit, serious conversation, talking with hands, blonde man A man and woman in deep conversation. via Canva/Photos

8. They understand receptivity

"Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others."

9. They ask the right questions

"When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.

You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?

Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?

I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?

NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them."


10. They don't show it

"One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic."

11. You don't know them, but they know you

"You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface."

12. They can make friends with anyone

"I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me 'if I want you to be my friend, you will.' I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone."

"That's kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type."

13. You're afraid to lie around them

"You feel like you’re talking to a raven and you’re scared to lie."

This article originally appeared in May.
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