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These 5 phrases will win people over during small talk, according to communication specialists

Master the art of small talk.

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Communication specialists share best phrases to win people over during small talk.

Small talk is a skill that can be hard to grasp. Striking up a conversation with acquaintances (or sometimes complete strangers) can be a challenge, even for the most gifted gabber. While you may loathe small talk, research shows that it helps build a stronger sense of community and belonging.

"Small talk gets a bad rap because it feels like filler before the ‘real’ conversation begins. It’s really an opportunity to make an impression," explains Cheryl Overton, brand strategist and founder of Cheryl Overton Communications. "What makes it awkward is the lack of intention. When we approach it with a 'get in, get out' energy, we miss the opportunity to connect."

Coming prepared to social situations with small talk questions and phrases will help you feel more confident—and connected— to others.

small talk, small talk questions, small talk phrases, making small talk, small talk help People socializing and making small talk.Image via Canva/ELEVATE

"There’s no need to try to be impressive, clever, or interesting," says Rhonda Khan, public speaking coach and CEO at Simply Speech Solutions. "The best conversations come from being present, curious, and intentional, making small talk less of a chore and instead the beginning of a true, fulfilling connection."

These are 5 small talk questions and phrases to keep in mind that can help you keep conversations flowing, according to communication specialists:

Phrase #1: "That sounds important to you—tell me more."
Using this phrase during your small talk conversation will show you're interested.

"Acknowledging what matters to someone builds instant rapport," says Cyndee Harrison, co-founder of communications firm Synaptic. "It demonstrates empathy, active listening, and a desire to understand their perspective rather than just responding with your own."

Phrase #2: "I would love to hear your take on this."
This will encourage the person you are talking with to share more and make your interest clear.

"People love to share their opinions, especially on things they feel passionate about," says Khan. "By asking their opinion, you are inviting their voice into the space, making them feel seen and valued."

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Phrase #3: "What’s making you smile these days?"
This question will help you learn more about the passions of the person you're talking to.

"This works by elevating 'what do you do?' to 'what do you love?'," says Overton. "It gives the other person permission to share something meaningful and energizing, which creates connection."

Phrase #4: "I read something recently that reminded me of this…"
Using this phrase during small talk will help you connect on something you're both curious about.

"Bringing in an outside insight adds value to the exchange and shifts the conversation from small talk to shared knowledge," says Harrison. "It can spark curiosity and turn the moment into something memorable."

@remenicole

a little bit of small talk can change your life💃🏽

Phrase #5: "What inspired you to get into that?"
Small talk usually involves talking about careers, and this question goes deeper.

"This works by putting the emphasis on the 'why' behind their 'what' and positions it inspirationally, making the respondent feel like a hero vs. a cog," adds Overton. "This phrase invites story and shows you’re curious about their journey, not just their job title."

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My Greatest Generation grandad had one rule to never run out of things to say in conversation

It's incredibly basic, but too many people forget it.

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Manners and social etiquette have changed over the years, but the classics still work.

My grandad was, simply put, the man. Fought in World War II, lived into his 90s with the strength and vigor of a much younger man, and made an unforgettable impression on everyone who knew him. He was truly a force of nature that I was lucky to have in my life.

He was also a highly quotable man, full of incredible one-liners. When I was a kid and my family would visit, and he was ready to wrap things up, he'd cheekily say "Well, we certainly have seen you," and, "Come again when you can't stay so long."

My Greatest Generation grandad also loved to entertain. Though not a man of many words, he was a legendary host. His advice to us grandkids about being a great conversationalist was always the same:


manners, etiquette, small talk, psychology, conversation, greatest generation, boomers, millennials, social anxiety Can you believe there was a time that being polite and of high-character was more important than being charismatic?Britt Ful/Flickr

"Always ask the last question."

That was it. That was his key to never running out of things to say in a conversation. It sounds extremely obvious, but you'd be surprised how counter it runs to a lot of the advice young people are getting now. In certain sectors, the name of the game is all about how to be more charming and more charismatic. "Self-help" forgets that the real key to being interesting is being interested in what the other party has to say.

What made my grandad's execution of this simple concept great was his confidence in the fact that they didn't have to be great questions. He would just keep asking them, like a steamroller. He knew that, if he kept it up, he'd eventually hit on something that would launch a deeper and more interesting discussion.

Conversations were often logistical at first: How was the drive? What time did you leave? Was there any traffic? Where'd you stop to eat? What did you order? Before you knew it, you were off and running. That was the beauty of the technique.

Asking questions, of course, is not new advice! It's been around forever, and it's still preached heavily today by psychologists and master small-talkers.

But anybody who's been in conversation with another human being lately knows that a lot of people are really bad at this and only want to hear themselves talk. The Guardian calls them "non-askers." And they're everywhere.

Harvard Business Review writes that about 70-80% of what children say is made up of questions, but that number plummets dramatically in adults. It's like we lose our inherent curiosity somewhere along the way, and we pay for it in the way we relate to, or don't, with others. You don't have to do much research to see how big of a problem this is becoming, from people lamenting horrid first dates where they can't get a word in edgewise, to an excruciating lack of self-awareness from people in the working world who just.... won't. stop. talking!

manners, etiquette, small talk, psychology, conversation, greatest generation, boomers, millennials, social anxiety Asking good questions: The original party trick.Stephen Coles/Flickr

Why is this mind-numbingly simple advice so hard to follow?

In Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, author Susan Cain writes that the idea of "having a good personality" is a pretty modern invention. She says that the Western world transformed at some point from a culture of character to a culture of personality, timed around the rise of salesmen and the corporate world. In that burgeoning culture, being charming, charismatic, and a great storyteller was crucial to your success.

We think it makes us impressive to know all the answers, have the best stories, have an anecdote or fun fact to share about every topic. In fact, appearing that way can often be the key to getting ahead at work and making more money. We want to be the one holding court at a party, making guests laugh with our raucous jokes and monologues, because we equate that image with popularity, success, and belonging.

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But it wasn't always this way. My grandad came from a time, in the old South, where good etiquette and manners were more important than being incredibly charming.

In the late 1800s, Professor Thomas E. Hill wrote in The Essential Handbook of Victorian Etiquette: "Do not aspire to be a great storyteller. An inveterate teller of long stories becomes very tiresome. To tell one or two witty, short, new stories, appropriate to the occasion, is about all that one person should inflict upon the company."

Etiquette of the era also dictated not bragging about your connections or accomplishments, and not using highfalutin words to sound smarter than you really are. Some funny ones include parents not telling too many stories about their kids (preach!) and avoiding using too many puns.

Now, my grandad didn't exactly grow up in Victorian England — more like Great Depression-era America — but you can get a sense of how our priorities have changed since 1900 to today. There were a lot of things about that time period in the United States that weren't so great, but that emphasis on making other people feel comfortable and heard in social settings, instead of advancing your own status and standing, would be a welcome return. Luckily, it's easy to do it even today. Just ask a question, literally any question, and you'll already be doing way better than most people.

They don't call them the Greatest Generation for nothing!

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13 common phrases that make people cringe (and what to say instead)

“Few things shut down a conversation faster than this one.”

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When honesty isn't always the best policy.

Ah, the awkward silence. We all pretend not to notice it—suddenly stretching our arms or scanning every corner of the room—but it's there. Sometimes it stems from something we've said, and often we don't even know why! Given how people come from such different backgrounds and upbringings, these conversational missteps are practically inevitable.

But don't worry! A touch of social anxiety never hurt anyone, and usually the solution is as simple as adjusting your phrasing. Etiquette experts and social skills coaches agree that despite our differences, certain specific phrases universally come across as tone-deaf, even when we're genuinely trying to connect. We've rounded up 13 of the worst offenders—do you catch yourself using any of these?


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“I’m just being honest”

Honesty may be a virtue, but not when it’s used like this. When someone says, “I’m just being honest,” it’s typically to justify bluntness or insensitivity, therefore absolving them of any guilt or shame from the resulting hurt feelings.

Use this instead: “Can I offer some feedback?” or “I want to be honest with you, but I also want to be kind.”

“No offense, but…”

Stop right there, buddy. With a preface like that, it’s pretty darn likely that the following sentence will be offensive. “It rarely works and often insults people,” personal and corporate life coach, Mason Farmani, warns.

Use this instead: “I hope you don’t mind me saying,” or “I’m really sorry if this comes across as rude, but…”


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You’re too sensitive.

This sentence is a one-way ticket to an emotional connection dead zone. Even if they are a sensitive person, it communicates that their feelings are invalid, and can make them feel even more alienated.

Use this instead: “I’m here for you.”

“Whatever.”

“This dismissive phrase is a conversational version of the middle finger,” Farmani says.

Use this instead: Words that reflect how you actually feel.

‘Whatever,’ what a versatile word! Depending on the context, try throwing one of these out instead:

  • “Let’s agree to disagree.”
  • “I’m not sure how to respond to this right now. Can we take a pause?”
  • “I hear what you’re saying.”
  • “I don’t feel strongly either way—what do you think is best?”

gnome, sign, whatever, go away, social skills With “whatever,” you might as well be saying “Go away.” Photo by John Bussell on Unsplash

“Calm down.”

Genuine question: has this ever worked on anyone? “Rare is the person who is actually made more calm when told to 'calm down,’” explains Nick Leighton, an etiquette expert and co-host of the weekly podcast Were You Raised By Wolves?

Use this instead: “Take your time. I’m here when you're ready.”

“You always…” or “You never…”

These words are conversation poison because they’re disproportionate generalizations. “They put the other on the defensive and start a confrontation,” reports Farmani.

Use this instead: An ‘I’ statement.

Instead of saying “You never help me,” shift to your experience and the impact of that lack of assistance to, “I felt overwhelmed this morning when I was making the kids' breakfast by myself. I’d love some help before work.”

Be specific, assertive (but kind), and show empathy.


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“I told you so.”

Congrats, do you want a cookie? Saying this serves no purpose, besides making yourself feel superior. It adds nothing to the conversation and makes the other person feel even worse—like you’re running a victory lap around their mistake.

Use this instead: “I’m here if you want to talk about what happened.”

“Not my problem.”

This is a lack of empathy slap in the face! Even if something isn’t your responsibility, there are more considerate ways to communicate that.

Use this instead: “That sounds tough. Have you tried [RESOURCE] or [SUGGESTION]?”

Or, if you’re open to hearing what’s on their mind: “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. Is there a specific way I can support you?”

people, couch, arms crossed, mad, argument Just because it's technically not your problem, you might be creating a brand-new one. Photo credit: Canva

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Saying this creates an instant, impenetrable, icy barrier between you and the other person. Few strings of words shut down a conversation like this one, because of how dismissed the other person feels as a result.

Use this instead: “Have you ever felt [describe a relatable emotion or situation]? It’s something like that.”

“Actually…”

In grammar, ‘actually’ serves a contradiction or correction, which can make the other person feel demeaned. “The primary goal in social interaction is to be understood by fellow conversation participants. If that is accomplished, it should not matter what the exact phonetics and syntax of the speech are,” writes Benjamin Davis of The Michigan Daily.

Use this instead: “That’s an interesting point. I see it a bit differently—do you mind if I share?”

Or, if it’s just a simple correction: “In my understanding…”


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“I don’t care.”

Even if it’s true, do you have to say it so dismissively? Being on the receiving end of this can feel disheartening. Or, as one social communications expert put it, “It’s a phrase that can immediately create distance and a sense of disconnection in a conversation.”

Use this instead:

There are many ways to not care, and things to not care about. So, try these:

  • “I’m flexible.”
  • “I’m good with whatever you choose.”
  • “No preference here.”
  • “Sounds like you’re [INSERT EMOTION]. Thanks for sharing that with me.”

“That’s stupid.”

Well…now what? Where can a productive conversation possibly go after a statement like this?

Use this instead: “I’m not sure if I understand. Can you walk me through your thinking?”

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“Why are you being so dramatic?”

“This is a way of invalidating your feelings and treating them as a defect rather than a perfectly normal part of communicating,” Farmani explains.

Use this instead: “Is there something specific that’s making this feel especially hard right now?” Even if they may seem extreme, instead of labeling their actions as "dramatic," try to understand what’s going on behind the scenes and driving that emotional response.


Human empathy is at the core of social skills. To get better at conversations, it’s best to avoid phrases that dismiss, belittle, or invalidate others—whether that was your intention or not.

“How we speak shapes how others see us,” as one expert puts it. “A little extra care with our words can mean the difference between connection and conflict.” So, in your very next conversation, keep in mind: it’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. There are ways to be truthful about your thoughts and opinions without being dismissive. And leave these 13 phrases at home, please!

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Want to sound smart, but you’re out of your league in a conversation? Use the easy YAS method.

"Trying to sound clever is a good way of sounding stupid."

via Canva/Photos

A woman making a point in a corporate meeting.

There are times when we find ourselves in conversations with people about topics that we know nothing about. Whether it’s the time you have to speak to the engineers at work who are communicating at a level above your head, or when you are talking to the mechanic about a problem in your car and you don’t know your carburetor from your dipstick.

It's understandable, of course. No one can be well-versed in every topic. However, you don’t want to sound like a sixth grader reporting on a book they never read when you’re stuck in these situations either. That’s why we’ve compiled a list of three tricks you can use to sound smart, even in conversations above your head. It’s called the YAS method to make it easier to remember:

Be Yourself

Ask Questions

Say nothing

How to sound smart in conversations that are above your head

laborer, blue collr guy, metal shop, signing, two men talkingA man in a factory giving an invoice.via Canva/Photos

1. Be yourself

At first, this may seem paradoxical, especially when being “yourself” means being someone struggling to make it through a conversation. But it’s important to avoid using a bunch of big words to overcompensate for your lack of knowledge on a topic. That makes you sound like the Wizard of Oz, a man trying to use big words to appear more than he is.

A study on graduate school essays revealed that people judge someone’s intelligence not by their vocabulary but by their ability to convey a point. “Complexity neither disguised the shortcomings of poor essays nor enhanced the appeal of high-quality essays,” the study said.

It’s also good to avoid using jargon to sound more intelligent. “When time is money, extra words aren’t kind or pleasing — they’re distracting. Nothing shows respect like clarity,” John Bowe, a public speaking expert, told CNBC's Make It. “Don’t beat around the bush. People will appreciate you more when you say what you have to say.”

2. Ask a lot of questions

doctor patient, bedside manner, female patient, diagnosis, healthcareA doctor talking to his patient.via Canva/Photos

If you are stuck in a conversation that’s over your head, you may feel that asking a lot of questions is a dead giveaway that you don’t know what you’re talking about. However, it’s a big signal to the other person that you’re intelligent and confident.

“Asking questions is a crucial component of critical thinking and learning. It shows that you are curious, engaged, and eager to learn more. By asking questions, you are actively seeking out new information and challenging assumptions,” Jackie Keys, business development strategist, writes on LinkedIn. “The smartest person in the room is also someone who is willing to admit when they don't know something. They are comfortable with their own limitations and are not afraid to seek out the expertise of others. This humility and willingness to learn from others is a hallmark of true intelligence.”

3. Say nothing

handshake, math professor, professor and student, classroom, math studentA math student shaking hands with his professor.via Canva/Photos

As the great Taoist philosopher Lao Tzu once said, “Those who know don’t speak and those who speak, don’t know.” If you use the occasional “smart silence” where you pause in the middle of a sentence and people hang on every word, people don’t think that you’re dumb; they believe that you are a deep thinker who is carefully choosing your words, and they will hang on whatever you say.

Experts back up the fact that silent people are more intelligent. “Individuals with high intelligence often exhibit thoughtful and deliberate communication styles. They may speak less frequently but contribute more meaningful and well-considered ideas,” Dr. Abbie Maroño, PhD in Psychology & Human Behaviour Analysis, Lancaster University, said, according to Apple News. “Intelligent individuals may prefer to listen and gather information before speaking, leading to a quieter demeanor.”

Ultimately, appearing smart means knowing there’s no need to overcompensate by trying to wow people with big words or fancy jargon. It means speaking directly, using as few words as possible, asking questions, and keeping your mouth shut whenever possible. If you try these three things, you may not be the most knowledgeable person in the room, but you’re smart enough to know that you don’t know it all, and that’s its kind of genius.

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