When honesty isn't always the best policy.
Ah, the awkward silence. We all pretend not to notice it—suddenly stretching our arms or scanning every corner of the room—but it's there. Sometimes it stems from something we've said, and often we don't even know why! Given how people come from such different backgrounds and upbringings, these conversational missteps are practically inevitable.
But don't worry! A touch of social anxiety never hurt anyone, and usually the solution is as simple as adjusting your phrasing. Etiquette experts and social skills coaches agree that despite our differences, certain specific phrases universally come across as tone-deaf, even when we're genuinely trying to connect. We've rounded up 13 of the worst offenders—do you catch yourself using any of these?
“I’m just being honest”
Honesty may be a virtue, but not when it’s used like this. When someone says, “I’m just being honest,” it’s typically to justify bluntness or insensitivity, therefore absolving them of any guilt or shame from the resulting hurt feelings.
Use this instead: “Can I offer some feedback?” or “I want to be honest with you, but I also want to be kind.”
“No offense, but…”
Stop right there, buddy. With a preface like that, it’s pretty darn likely that the following sentence will be offensive. “It rarely works and often insults people,” personal and corporate life coach, Mason Farmani, warns.
Use this instead: “I hope you don’t mind me saying,” or “I’m really sorry if this comes across as rude, but…”
You’re too sensitive.
This sentence is a one-way ticket to an emotional connection dead zone. Even if they are a sensitive person, it communicates that their feelings are invalid, and can make them feel even more alienated.
Use this instead: “I’m here for you.”
“Whatever.”
“This dismissive phrase is a conversational version of the middle finger,” Farmani says.
Use this instead: Words that reflect how you actually feel.
‘Whatever,’ what a versatile word! Depending on the context, try throwing one of these out instead:
- “Let’s agree to disagree.”
- “I’m not sure how to respond to this right now. Can we take a pause?”
- “I hear what you’re saying.”
- “I don’t feel strongly either way—what do you think is best?”
With “whatever,” you might as well be saying “Go away.” Photo by John Bussell on Unsplash
“Calm down.”
Genuine question: has this ever worked on anyone? “Rare is the person who is actually made more calm when told to 'calm down,’” explains Nick Leighton, an etiquette expert and co-host of the weekly podcast Were You Raised By Wolves?
Use this instead: “Take your time. I’m here when you're ready.”
“You always…” or “You never…”
These words are conversation poison because they’re disproportionate generalizations. “They put the other on the defensive and start a confrontation,” reports Farmani.
Use this instead: An ‘I’ statement.
Instead of saying “You never help me,” shift to your experience and the impact of that lack of assistance to, “I felt overwhelmed this morning when I was making the kids' breakfast by myself. I’d love some help before work.”
Be specific, assertive (but kind), and show empathy.
“I told you so.”
Congrats, do you want a cookie? Saying this serves no purpose, besides making yourself feel superior. It adds nothing to the conversation and makes the other person feel even worse—like you’re running a victory lap around their mistake.
Use this instead: “I’m here if you want to talk about what happened.”
“Not my problem.”
This is a lack of empathy slap in the face! Even if something isn’t your responsibility, there are more considerate ways to communicate that.
Use this instead: “That sounds tough. Have you tried [RESOURCE] or [SUGGESTION]?”
Or, if you’re open to hearing what’s on their mind: “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. Is there a specific way I can support you?”
Just because it's technically not your problem, you might be creating a brand-new one. Photo credit: Canva
“You wouldn’t understand.”
Saying this creates an instant, impenetrable, icy barrier between you and the other person. Few strings of words shut down a conversation like this one, because of how dismissed the other person feels as a result.
Use this instead: “Have you ever felt [describe a relatable emotion or situation]? It’s something like that.”
“Actually…”
In grammar, ‘actually’ serves a contradiction or correction, which can make the other person feel demeaned. “The primary goal in social interaction is to be understood by fellow conversation participants. If that is accomplished, it should not matter what the exact phonetics and syntax of the speech are,” writes Benjamin Davis of The Michigan Daily.
Use this instead: “That’s an interesting point. I see it a bit differently—do you mind if I share?”
Or, if it’s just a simple correction: “In my understanding…”
“I don’t care.”
Even if it’s true, do you have to say it so dismissively? Being on the receiving end of this can feel disheartening. Or, as one social communications expert put it, “It’s a phrase that can immediately create distance and a sense of disconnection in a conversation.”
Use this instead:
There are many ways to not care, and things to not care about. So, try these:
- “I’m flexible.”
- “I’m good with whatever you choose.”
- “No preference here.”
- “Sounds like you’re [INSERT EMOTION]. Thanks for sharing that with me.”
“That’s stupid.”
Well…now what? Where can a productive conversation possibly go after a statement like this?
Use this instead: “I’m not sure if I understand. Can you walk me through your thinking?”
“Why are you being so dramatic?”
“This is a way of invalidating your feelings and treating them as a defect rather than a perfectly normal part of communicating,” Farmani explains.
Use this instead: “Is there something specific that’s making this feel especially hard right now?” Even if they may seem extreme, instead of labeling their actions as "dramatic," try to understand what’s going on behind the scenes and driving that emotional response.
Human empathy is at the core of social skills. To get better at conversations, it’s best to avoid phrases that dismiss, belittle, or invalidate others—whether that was your intention or not.
“How we speak shapes how others see us,” as one expert puts it. “A little extra care with our words can mean the difference between connection and conflict.” So, in your very next conversation, keep in mind: it’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. There are ways to be truthful about your thoughts and opinions without being dismissive. And leave these 13 phrases at home, please!
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