Procrastination is a tough habit to break. If you find yourself procrastinating (delaying accomplishing tasks or duties), you probably understand how it can mount into crushing anxiety—and you may be looking for advice on how to stop procrastinating all together.
In an online discussion on procrastination, psychotherapist Marco Sander offered his insight into why you may find yourself procrastinating—and it all relates to your childhood. He beings by explaining that he has spent years working with people who struggle with procrastination.
During that time with his patients, he has recognized a a common thread between them all. "Most people think they need to just 'push harder,' 'set more goals,' or 'finally get disciplined,' but procrastination is often not the root problem; it's a symptom."
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"The underlying issue is stress," he shared, adding that specifically it is internal emotional stress. He offers three examples of this:
- Perfectionism: "If it's not 100%, it’s worthless."
- Fear of failure or criticism: "If I don’t start, I can’t fail."
- Lack of clarity: When the task feels like a huge, undefined mountain.
Sander notes that the link between internal emotional stress and procrastination is rooted in early childhood experiences and wounds. "For instance, if you had a hypercritical parent, you might have internalized the belief that 'I’m not good enough, yet.' So now, as an adult, you’re putting pressure on yourself before anyone else can—trying to finally do everything correctly," he explains. "This perfectionism or fear becomes your attempt to avoid the emotional pain of being criticized again. But eventually, your system says, 'I can’t do this anymore,' and so, you procrastinate."
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While willpower and establishing productivity systems and habits can help people overcome procrastination, he notes that 90% of the procrastination "equation" is "understanding and healing the root of that inner pressure you put on yourself every day. And often, the fastest path forward is counterintuitive: less pressure, more compassion. It´s about healing your childhood wound."
The solution? To first acknowledge and recognize your childhood wound.
"First, you gotta figure out the specific kind of wound that is holding you back. Then you can start healing it. If I had to generally summarize the healing then it would be: 'Healing comes when we meet our wounded places with compassion.'" This includes inner child work, inner family systems, and chair work. He adds, "Going through those experiences while adding a new layer of emotion which is more compassionate will slowly heal the wound and potentially, you will feel less stressed and ultimately procrastinate less."
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In another comment, Sander added: "Most of the time it is not one traumatic event that happened which makes the link so clear. Most of the time it is just a general atmosphere throughout your childhood. Nobody intended harm but nevertheless you somehow got the feeling that you have to do something more to be truly accepted."
His insightful observations were praised by people struggling with procrastination. "This is one of the most insightful explanations of procrastination I’ve read. Framing it as a symptom of internal stress rather than laziness or lack of discipline is so important especially for people who’ve been hard on themselves for years," one wrote. "What really resonated with me was the part about perfectionism and early childhood experiences. That fear of 'not doing it right' or 'not being good enough' can silently run the show without us even realizing it."
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Another added, "I am like this but my parents were always super supportive. These are the exact reasons why I procrastinate though. I also suffer from depression."
Others who struggle with procrastination were somewhat skeptical, but offered advice that worked for them.
"For chronic procrastinators, even attempting to 'heal' your childhood wound is a form of procrastination. There is never a point where it gets healed and then you are free of procrastination," one procrastinator shared.
"First, start—(hardest part) Second, gain momentum. Third, keep going. Your mind is a sneaky b*stard who will come up with 99 seemingly legitimate reasons to NOT do that one thing which has been eating away at you. But you just gotta do it anyway. Reflect on your life and goals in your free time. Purpose is what drives us all. But do the damn work. Do it scared. Do it unsure. Do it ugly. Do it broke. Do it tired. Do it anyway. Do it. The only way out is through."
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