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As a therapist, here are the three rules I give my sons to combat toxic behavior

If it makes you angry, research it.

toxic masculinity; rules; boys; boy mom
Photo by Shawnee D on Unsplash

As a therapist, here are three rules I give my sons.

Most parents aim to raise good humans no matter their gender, but sometimes society comes in and muddies the water a bit. You can't turn on a device without reading words like "gentle parenting" or "toxic masculinity." A wild guess tells me that most people don't want to raise boys that grow up to fall into the category of toxic masculinity, but there don't seem to be many instructions on how to prevent it.

I won't pretend that I have all the answers and I don't want this to read as a humble brag because kids have a way of nevering like they never did before when we dare to say, "my child would never." It's just science. Well, maybe not science, but definitely an anecdotal observation.

What I can tell you is the things I've been doing to help combat the temptations of toxic masculinity. I have three boys, two of whom are teenagers, and while I would never say never, I can say they have been praised by teachers and authority figures. I've also been asked what I do differently, so I figured I'd share.

I'll admit, it's a little hard for me to pinpoint because I've instilled these messages in my boys since their birth, so they're not things I give much thought to anymore. But to identify what I do differently, I enlisted the help of my sons and, lucky for me and hopefully you, they gave me a list of three key differences they notice.

1. If it shocks you or makes you angry, research it.

If there's one thing that tends to make people more empathetic humans it's education. A lot of times people react emotionally when they hear something they don't believe or that's upsetting. Instead of stewing in the anger and digging their heels in, my boys know how to research whatever the issue is using nonbiased phrases.

Four young people sitting on bridge over of body of water.Photo by Sammie Chaffin on Unsplash

An example of this is when my 14-year-old shocked the snot out of me by saying that most women falsely accuse men of assault. This was really upsetting to him to "know" because, of course, he didn't want to be falsely accused of anything. I didn't get upset, I only asked where he got the information and empathized how hearing that could make him feel. Once we got the feelings out of the way, I pointed him to Google and showed him what reputable sites looked like. We even talked about using Google Scholar.

Education makes things less scary and helps people unlearn myths or give context to inflammatory information they read on the internet.

2. Everyone experiences every emotion. Feel them, express them and talk it out.

Boys can experience other emotions outside of anger and happiness. I encourage my kids to name their emotions and to express them, whether it's at me because I've messed up or just in general. Once the feeling is named and expressed, let's get down to whatever the underlying emotion was. Sometimes it turns out to be disappointment and not sadness, or embarrassment, not anger.

If we can name the actual feeling, we can talk it out. They can find ways to address the issue that caused the feeling or take responsibility if it's something they did. Walking them through the whole process takes practice but it's worth it in the end because then they can effectively express their feelings to peers, partners or teachers all while remaining respectful.

Young man wearing brown jacket sitting near gray link fencePhoto by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash
3. Speak up even when it's hard.

Speaking up covers a lot of ground. It's not just about calling out injustices when they see them. When I talk to my sons about using their voices, we talk about consent and what it looks like to properly ask for affirmative consent. It also covers speaking up when you witness inappropriate behaviors toward girls and vice versa.

When my 17-year-old was in middle school, he had instances where this lesson came in handy. On one occasion, the school bus was being loaded at the end of the day and after my son took his seat, he noticed two boys grabbing at a girl's behind as she told them to stop. He spoke up then informed the bus driver and principal of what happened.

While these three "rules" are helpful in combating toxic masculinity, they're also helpful to teach all children. Kids are influenced by what they see outside of their homes and on the internet, and if parents can be the counterbalance, we can all put good humans out into the world.

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Animals & Wildlife

6th grader's science experiment answers, 'Do cat buttholes touch every surface they sit on?'

A question no one knew they needed answered.

Photo courtesy of Kerry Hyde

Do cat buttholes touch every surface they sit on? Science answers.

Cat owners sometimes have unique questions that even Google doesn't always have the answer to. This is probably the sole reason cat forums exist, but one kid who needed a 6th grade science project decided to skip the cat forums for answers and instead use the scientific method. Kaeden Henry, a sixth grader living in Florida, bravely pondered a question few (if any one) has been brave enough to ask: do cat buttholes touch every surface they sit on?

Since cats do whatever the heck they want, training them not to jump on kitchen counters is a feat even Hercules struggles to complete. These fierce felines don't care if you're cooking dinner or trying to get comfy in bed. If they want to sit somewhere, they're going to do it. The thought of cat butts on that expensive Serta pillow designed to feel like you're sleeping on a cloud can gross people out, but thanks to Kaeden, you no longer have to wonder if the butthole itself is also making contact.

Courtesy of Kerry Hyde

The curious sixth grader is homeschooled and well-versed in the scientific method thanks to her mother's PhD in animal behavior with a concentration in feline behavior. And, since they own cats, the science experiment was pretty straightforward (and directly impactful).

To complete the experiment, Henry and his mom, Kerry Hyde, bought non-toxic lipstick and applied it to each of their cat's anuses. Then, the cats were given commands.

Courtesy of Kerry Hyde

"Non-toxic lipstick was applied to their bum-bums, they were then given a series of commands (sit, wait, lie down, and jump up. Side note: Both cats have been trained since kittenhood with a variety of commands, they also know how to high-five, spin around, and speak.), they were compensated with lots of praise, pets, and their favorite treats, and the lipstick was removed with a baby wipe once we collected our data in just under 10 minutes," Hyde wrote in a Facebook post.

The results? Turns out that, no, cat buttholes do not touch every surface cats sit on. Now, let's all take a collective sigh of relief while we go over the details. Kaeden's experiment covered long-haired, short-haired, and medium-haired cats (if your cat is hairless, you better stock up on Clorox wipes just in case).

"His results and general findings: Long and medium haired cat’s buttholes made NO contact with soft or hard surfaces at all. Short haired cats made NO contact on hard surfaces. But we did see evidence of a slight smear on the soft bedding surface. Conclusion, if you have a short haired cat and they may be lying on a pile of laundry, an unmade bed, or other soft uneven surface, then their butthole MAY touch those surfaces!" Hyde shares.

Now every curious cat owner can rest easy knowing that as long as their cat has hair, their bare bottom balloon knot is not touching the majority of surfaces in their home.

Courtesy of Kerry Hyde

The amusing experiment caught the Internet's attention. People laughed and commented, with one person writing, "This is probably the most useful information I’ve learned from a science fair project."

"Good to know!...I can now eat my sandwich left on the counter with confidence!" another writes.

Courtesy of Kerry Hyde

"A+++!!! Whew!! I am very grateful for your sciencing on this subject. My fears from walking in on my cat sitting on my laptop keyboard and subsequently being grossed out and cleaning furiously in a hyper-ocd manner have been somewhat allayed and now maybe I won’t have to use QUIIITE so many wipes." someone chimes in.

"Finally.. Someone answers the important questions!!"

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Motherhood

Moms with adult daughters who call them everyday share their best parenting tips

"I’m raising a future best friend, not just a daughter."

Photo by leah hetteberg on Unsplash

Mom with adult daughters.

Mother-daughter relationships are a bond like no other. For many girl moms, one of the markers of a parenting job well-done is when your adult daughters want to call you everyday.

It's something TikToker @coobellaa hopes will happen. So, she decided to ask her followers for parenting advice–specifically from 'girl moms' who have adult daughters who call them everyday. Her goal: to get their advice on how to keep her relationship with her daughter strong as she grows up, with hopes she will want to call her everyday when she's out on her own.

"Because I’m raising a future best friend, not just a daughter. Girl moms with grown daughters.. what’s your secret to staying close? 🥹🙏🏼💞," she captioned the post.

@coobellaa

Because I’m raising a future best friend, not just a daughter. Girl moms with grown daughters.. what’s your secret to staying close? 🥹🙏🏼💞 #mom #girlmom #momtips

In the video, @coobellaa is getting ready with her young daughter in the mirror. Within the video, she added the caption, "GIRL MOMS with daughters over 20 who still call you everyday...what's something you did while raising them that kept your bond strong?

Moms did not hold back. They opened up about the specific things that have helped them maintain a strong relationship with their adult daughters. These are 18 of the best insights:

1. "Physical affection. I made it a habit to give my kids a snuggle as soon as they woke up and before bed. It kept us connected even through the teen years."

mom, daughter, hug, affection, physical touchMama Said Love GIF by OriginalsGiphy

2. "My daughter is 34, she’s my best friend. I always believed her, I never judged, I gave tons of affection, and we did it together. I was a young Mom, and now a Gigi of 5. I always want more for her ♥️."

3. "Honestly I just made sure I gave them a place of love and no judgement. They knew I was the mom and not their friend but they also knew I could handle the truth better than a lie so lies were[n't] needed."

4. "Be honest, admit to my mistake and try to 'suggest' things once they became adults. I feel like teaching them to trust themselves, their ideas and consequences while at home was the best. I was there."

5. "I laid down with my daughter every night at bedtime and we talked about her day, well into her teens. Sometimes it was boring but I knew someday she may need something important so I always listened."

mom, bedtime, daughter, mom and daughter, listening hallmark hall of fame mother daughter GIF by Hallmark ChannelGiphy

6. "I let them say their truth and didn't try to change it even if it made me look bad I just had to change it this made me cry."

7. "I didn't have all of the answers. I never pretended to. I apologized often and tried to speak about differences when emotions weren't high."

8. "Be real and raw it’s okay to show vulnerability and always say sorry when you don’t hit the mark. Thank them when they show kindness empathy etc. See the best in them and reflect that back to them."

9. "Be honest (age appropriate), allow them to make their own mistakes, tell them that you are learning and make a safe space for them to tell you when you do something wrong and to take accountability ❤️."


safe space, parenting, moms, daughters, parentsyou're safe here season 4 GIF by PortlandiaGiphy

10. "Two things: first, we have 'the bubble'. You can say anything, swear, vent, confess to wrongdoing, etc w/o fear of punishment. It’s a safe space. Sometimes you just need to have a place to 'get it all out”'. Second, every time my daughter comes to me with anything my first response is 'do you need advice or do you need me to just listen?'"

11. "Don’t react… when they come to you with something unhinged as a teen, don’t let your face or words react in that moment! Gather yourself and have the convo HOURS later, no matter what it is!!"

12. "I show grace. I apologize. I’m transparent. I tell them I love them 100 times a day. I’m honest but kind. I’m their biggest supporter. They know I’ll always be here."

13. "'If it's important to you, it's important to me'."

important, family, moms, daughters, bondsBusy Philipps Tonight GIF by E!Giphy

14. "I always tell my daughter (who is 20) that we can sort out all problems together, big or small. Said that to her since she was little and she tells me absolutely everything. she's like my little sis🖤."

15. "My daughter is 22 and we are best friends! Always making time for 'girl time' quality time together. Knowing who she is and always having a safe place to come home to or a sounding board."

16. "I genuinely loved spending time with her, set boundaries but was always open with communication."

mom, daughter, selfie, gif, moms and daughters, parentingGIF by Better ThingsGiphy

17. "The fact they knew I’d be there no matter what, I was their mum not their friend but that nothing couldn’t be sorted. Now as adults I’m a friend as well a mum."

18. "I make sure she knows she’s loved no matter the situation. Even if it’s bad. I want the total honest truth. I believe she truly does trust me entirely! She calls me all the time!"

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Parenting

Yet another school district shifts to 4-day week and parents are sounding off

So... when are we getting the matching 4-day work week?

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When talking with other parents I know, it's hard not to sound like a grumpy old man when we get around to discussing school schedules. "Am I the only one who feels like kids have so many days off? I never got that many days off when I was a kid! And I had to go work in the coal mine after, too!" I know what I sound like, but I just can't help it.

In Georgia, where I live, we have a shorter summer break than some other parts of the country. But my kids have the entire week of Thanksgiving off, a week in September, two whole weeks at Christmas, a whole week off in February, and a weeklong spring break. They have asynchronous days (during which they complete assignments at home, which usually takes about 30 minutes) about once a month, and they have two or three half-day weeks throughout the year. Quite honestly, it feels like they're never in school for very long before they get another break, which makes it tough to get in a rhythm with work and career goals. Plus, we're constantly arranging day camps and other childcare options for all the time off. Actually, I just looked it up and I'm not losing my mind: American kids have fewer school days than most other major countries.

So it caught my attention in a major way when I read that Whitney Independent School District in Texas recently decided to enact a 4-day week heading into the 2025 school year. That makes it one of dozens of school districts in Texas to make the change and over 900 nationally.


Giphy

The thought of having the kids home from school EVERY Friday or Monday makes me want to break out in stress hives. But this 4-day school week movement isn't designed to give parents a headache. It's meant to lure teachers back to work.

Yes, teachers are leaving the profession in droves and young graduates don't seem eager to replace them. Why? The pay is bad, for starters, but that's just the beginning. Teachers are burnt out, undermined and criticized relentlessly, held hostage by standardized testing, and more. It can be a grueling, demoralizing, and thankless job. The love and passion they have for shaping the youth of tomorrow can only take you so far when you feel like you're constantly getting the short end of the stick.

School districts want to pay their teachers more, in theory, but their hands are often tied. So they're getting creative to recruit the next generation of teachers into their schools — starting with an extra day off for planning, catch-up, or family time every week.

Teachers in 4-day districts often love the new schedule. Kids love it (obviously). It's the parents who, as a whole, aren't super thrilled.

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

So far, the data shows that the truncated schedule perk is working. In these districts, job applications for teachers are up, retirements are down, and teachers are reporting better mental well-being. That's great news!

But these positive developments may be coming at the price of the working parents in the communities. Most early adopters of the 4-day week have been rural communities with a high prevalence of stay-at-home parents. As the idea starts to take hold in other parts of the country, it's getting more pushback. Discussions on Reddit, Facebook, and other social media are overrun with debate on how this is all going to shake up. Some parents, to be fair, like the idea! If they stay-at-home or have a lot of flexibility, they see it as an opportunity for more family time. But many are feeling anxious. Here's what's got those parents worried:

The effect on students' achievement is still unclear.

The execution of the 4-day week varies from district to district. Some schools extend the length of each of the four days, making the total instructional time the same. That makes for a really long day, and some teachers say the students are tired and more unruly by the late afternoon. Some districts are just going with less instruction time overall, which has parents concerned that their kids might fall behind.

4-day school weeks put parents in a childcare bind.

Having two working parents is becoming more common and necessary with the high cost of living. I know, I know — "school isn't daycare!" But it is the safe, reliable, and educational place we send our kids while we need to work.

Families with money and resources may be able to enroll their kids in more academics, extracurriculars, sports, or childcare, but a lot of normal families won't be able to afford that cost. Some schools running a 4-day week offer a paid childcare option for the day off, but that's an added expense and for families with multiple kids in the school system, it's just not possible.

This will inevitably end with some kids getting way more screentime.

With most parents still working 5-day weeks, and the cost of extra activities or childcare too high, a lot of kids are going to end up sitting around on the couch with their iPad on those days off. I'm no expert, and I'm certainly not against screentime, but adding another several hours of it to a child's week seems less than ideal.

Of course there are other options other than paid childcare and iPads. There are play dates, there's getting help from family and friends. All of these options are an enormous amount of work to arrange for parents who are already at capacity.

Working 4 days is definitely a win for teachers that makes the job more appealing. But it doesn't address the systemic issues that are driving them to quit, retire early, or give up their dreams of teaching all together.

Giphy

A Commissioner of Education from Missouri calls truncated schedules a "band-aid solution with diminishing returns." Having an extra planning day won't stop teachers from getting scapegoated by politicians or held to impossible curriculum standards, it won't keep them from having to buy their own supplies or deal with ever-worsening student behavior.

Some teachers and other experts have suggested having a modified 5-day school week, where one of the days gets set aside as a teacher planning day while students are still on-site participating in clubs, music, art — you know, all the stuff that's been getting cut in recent years. Something like that could work in some places.

As a dad, I don't mind the idea of my busy kids having an extra day off to unwind, pursue hobbies, see friends, catch up on projects, or spend time as a family. And I'm also very much in favor of anything that takes pressure off of overworked teachers. But until we adopt a 4-day work week as the standard, the 4-day school week is always going to feel a little out of place.

This article originally appeared in February

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Pop Culture

Unbelievable new story reveals how Disney classic The Emperor’s New Groove almost didn't happen

It's being called “the most torturous production in history.”

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What really happened behind the scenes.

It was the 1990s and the Disney Animation department seemed unstoppable. Over the past decade, Walt Disney Studios Chairman Jeffrey Katzenberg and his army of directors, writers, and animators worked tirelessly to produce a shiny new animated movie for Disney every year, sometimes two or three times yearly. And by all accounts, it was working. These “little hits” they were pumping out for the big boss? Box-office miracles, all of them. Disney had cornered and perfected this market so well that audiences started to forget there were other animation studios out there. The time was known as the Disney Renaissance, and could you blame them? Between 1989 and 1999, Disney Animation truly had the Midas touch, and every movie they produced was imbued with once-in-a-generation movie magic.

Walt Disney Pictures, logo, magic, disney, films, disney renaissance Disney made magic happen in the 90s. Giphy

It began with The Little Mermaid in 1989 and was followed quickly The Rescuers Down Under in 1990 and Beauty and the Beast in 1991. Aladdin (1992) followed, then The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), The Lion King (1994), A Goofy Movie (1995), Pocahontas (also 1995), The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996), Hercules (1997), Mulan (1998), and to cap off this incredible dynasty, Tarzan in 1999. Sprinkled between these hits were more hits from Disney's other studio, Pixar (Toy Story in 1995, Toy Story 2 in 1999, A Bug's Life in 1998). Though not technically part of the Renaissance, these hits only added to Disney's bank of classics.

The success seemed to make the team confident they could start doing stranger, quirkier films that strayed from the current cookie-cutter Disney model. But that hubris would lead to an epic battle within the studio. Though Katzenberg was dismissed in 1994, his mark had been made and the Renaissance was still moving ahead one until one of the most fraught productions in Disney’s history. Filled with creative clashes, drastic rewrites, personnel changes, and a rushed timeline, this project had the odds stacked heavily against it. That movie was Kingdom of the Sun.

Or, that’s what it would have been called if everything went according to plan. On December 10, 2000, at the El Capitan Theater in Los Angeles, Disney premiered The Emperor’s New Groove, a zany, highly funny comedy about a selfish young emperor who is accidentally transformed into a llama by his treacherous advisor. To return to his human form, he must rely on a peasant from the village, Pacha, whom he’s already wronged before the initial plot is underway. On paper, this had the potential to be a masterpiece. The cast was beyond stacked. David Spade playing the most David Spade-est characters of all time, a tart, conceited 17-year-old brat emperor named Kuzco; Eartha Kitt (!!) played Yzma, the emperor’s diabolical elderly advisor who secretly wishes to usurp him; and John Goodman played Pacha, the noble and kind village-dweller who must bring Kuzco back and return him to his human self. At the time, audiences were confused by the lack of grandeur, coming off the heels of Tarzan. (Although The Emperor’s New Groove received generally positive critical reviews, by Disney standards, it had underperformed, grossing $169.5 million on a $100 million budget.)


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

But back to Kingdom of the Sun. In 1994, fresh off the gigantic success of The Lion King, Disney Studios' President at the time, Thomas Schumacher, handpicked the movie’s original director, Roger Allers, to lead their next film, which would explore an ancient culture such as the Incas, Aztecs, or Mayans. Allers, alongside co-writer Matthew Jacobs, dreamt up an epic tale set in Peru, where a greedy emperor (voiced by Spade), bored by life at the palace, would trade places with a similarly looking peasant (to be voiced by Owen Wilson), resembling Mark Twain’s novel, The Prince and the Pauper. There were a few other Disney tidbits thrown in, like an evil god of death (Kitt) who sought to destroy the sun, and two love interests: the emperor’s betrothed fiancée Nina, and a llama-herder named Mata (voiced by Laura Prepon). It was perfectly lovely and entirely safe, ideal for its studio. James Berardinelli and Roger Ebert’s book, The Reel Views 2, describedKingdom of the Sun as a “romantic comedy musical in the ‘traditional’ Disney style.” The team even traveled to Machu Picchu in 1996 to immerse themselves in Incan culture and study artifacts and architecture.

This did not go over well with the studio. First, they had already done a version of The Prince and the Pauper, a Mickey Mouse short from 1990 that the studio paired with various at-home releases. The idea felt tired. They needed more, especially considering the “underperformances” of Pocahontas and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Disney execs were worried that Kingdom of the Sun would fall into the same trap: too self-serious and too ambitious (they had flown to Machu Picchu, c’mon!). So, they called Mark Dindal to come in and punch up the material, naming him co-director. This is where things start to go a bit haywire.

Suddenly, the original director, now co-director, Roger Allers, calls up the singer Sting to compose songs for the movie. He agrees, under one condition: his wife, Trudie Styler, can come along and document the process (more on this later). They settled on the terms, and Sting and his collaborator began to work on eight original songs, each of which is “inextricably linked with the original plot and characters.” Only two songs made the final cut when The Emperor’s New Groove premiered, with three added to the soundtrack CD as bonuses. By the summer of 1998, Disney’s studio executives began to crash out.

Disney, Emperor's New Groove, David Spade, film, disney animationTurns out, the film was in shambles.Giphy

The film was in shambles, nowhere near where it should be for a 2000 release—and it had to be released then, due to various crucial promotional deals Disney had set up with Coca-Cola and McDonalds. Allers had gone wild, overstuffing the film with too many plot elements, eager not to repeat the tired Disney “formula”: a hero, a villain, and a love song. In a panic, the Disney executives devised a plan that would later be known infamously as a “Bake Off.” The crew was split in two.

“They gave Mark Dindal a small crew, and me a small crew, to come up with two different versions of the story. Which is just kind of awful to compete against each other,” recalls Allers to Vulture. On one side was Allers, who proposed a complex yet emotionally moving film that had the potential to rival The Lion King. Dindal was on the other side, but his pitch didn’t involve story elements or characters being cut. He suggested an entirely different movie. According to storyboard artist Chris Williams, “Even more than probably pitching a story or new characters, we were pitching a tone. We were suggesting a radically different tone than what Kingdom of the Sun had been. A lot of what was funny about it was just how preposterous it was. And I’d never heard Tom and Peter laugh before. They were almost literally on the floor laughing.”


The Emperors New Groove, angel, devil, scene, movie, DisneyIt wasn't really a pitch, like the movie ended up being, it was funny.Giphy

Roger Allers saw what was happening—this was the movie—and left the project. It was September 1998, and Disney had already wasted $30 million of its $100 million budget. Oh, and only 25% of the film was animated. They had about a year to pull off the heist of the century.

When they emerged from the “Bake Off,” Dindal and producer Randy Fullmer halted production for six months. They returned with The Emperor’s New Groove,a buddy comedy set loosely in Peru. It had become an entirely new film: most of the cast, except Spade and Kitt, had been fired. It was leaner: fewer characters, simpler backgrounds. They squeaked by the deadline and somehow managed to release a movie that year.

And that would have been the end of it. Kind of weird and tonally different Disney film breaks even. Nothing more to see. That is, if not for Sting’s wife, documentarian Trudie Styler, who had been capturing all of the drama from the sidelines. Remember Sting’s ultimatum at the beginning? Styler kept her promise, creating a documentary called The Sweatbox, named for the screening room at Disney Studios in Burbank that had no air conditioning and caused the animators to sweat while their work was being inspected. What began as a behind-the-scenes vanity project for her husband transformed into an unprecedented glimpse behind the curtain at the corporate dysfunction at Disney.

Sketch, Disney, Emperors New Groove, Disney, behind the scenesSketches from Kingdom of the SunDeviantArt

But while The Emperor’s New Groove has found a niche cult following since its release, The Sweatbox can’t be found… anywhere. The 86-minute documentary, which Disney approved, was initially scheduled for release in 2001 and even enjoyed a few screenings, including a worldwide premiere at the Toronto Film Festival and an unpublicized one-week run at the Loews Beverly Center Cineplex in Los Angeles. Reporting on The Sweatbox, Wade Sampson wrote:

“The two executives did come across as nerdy bullies who really didn’t seem to know what was going on when it came to animation and were unnecessarily hurtful and full of politically correct speech. They looked like the kids in high school that jocks gave a “wedgie” to on a daily basis. How much of that impression was due to editing and how much was a remarkable, truthful glimpse is up to the viewer to decide.”

Now and then, a brave vigilante dares to post a clip of The Sweatbox online, but Disney always removes it. But it’s funny how things end up: after the first screening of The Emperor’s New Groove, someone from Disney leadership said, “We’ll never make that kind of movie again.” Yet, since then, Disney has released a direct-to-video sequel named Kronk’s New Groove, an animated TV series, and various games based on that “cursed movie.”

Seems like the Emperor didn't throw off Disney's groove after all.

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Woman reveals how people get such long-lasting spray tans and it's grossing people out

As a first-timer, she was shocked at the instructions.

Photo credit: Canva

Woman is disgusted after learning the truth behind lasting spray tans.

Not everyone tans easily, and for some, reducing the risk of skin cancer and premature excess wrinkles is more important than laying out with a bottle of baby oil. For those who want a tan without the massive amounts of UV exposure, spray tanning is a good option. You can get the sun-kissed, recently back from vacation look without the risk.

The process is simple. You walk into a room and someone comes in with what looks like an airbrush gun and sprays a nice even layer or two of artificial melanin on your skin. It can even out your skin tone, leaving your skin looking healthy and more vibrant. There is a catch though–it's temporary.

spray tans; spray tan care; hygiene after spray tan; how to make spray tan last; truth behind spray tansPhoto credit: Canva

Technically a summer tan acquired the old-fashioned way is also temporary, but it generally takes weeks or months to completely fade away. But a spray tan only lasts about 5-10 days depending on how well you "care" for it. A woman who goes by the name Miss Redacted on TikTok recently received her first spray tan, and when given the instructions for how to extend the life of her spray tan through "proper care," she was left flabbergasted.

Of course, when you get something done to your body you are expecting that there will be specific instructions on how to care for the new thing. Whether it's a piercing, a tattoo, or even a chemical peel, you expect an overload of informative care instructions before you're allowed to leave the place you received the service.

So the woman was not surprised to receive the rundown on making sure her skin remained glowingly sun-kissed for as long as possible. What she wasn't expecting was the lack of care. Or maybe the better description would be the lack of hygiene required to maintain her newly tanned skin.

Season 10 Episode 3 GIF by FriendsGiphy

"Recently I got a spray tan for the first time because I really like being tan but I don't want to have wrinkles later because I'm obviously very vain. So I went the first time and I expected that I wouldn't be able to shower normally for the first 12-24 hours, and that didn't bother me that much because I'm like, okay, I understand the tan has to set in. I can be gross for a half a day, a day max, whatever, it's not that serious," Miss Redacted says before explaining the woman who did her spray tan began talking her through the process.

The confused woman recalls a roommate in college who used to get spray tanned all the time as she put the pieces together on hygiene and spray tans. She tells the person doing her spray tan that she generally showers twice a day using soap and a silicone scrubber to wash her entire body, to which the spray tan artist immediately tells her not to use the scrubber on her body because it will take her tan off.

spray tans; spray tan care; hygiene after spray tan; how to make spray tan last; showeringPhoto credit: Canva

"I was like, 'Oh so don't use it the first shower?' and she was like 'No, like not at all.' And I was like 'What should I use instead of that?'" the first-time customer explains.

She was shocked to hear the artist tell her that she needed to switch to a washcloth and only use it to wash her, "underarms, your bikini area, and under your bra line." Again, Miss Redacted clarifies that means for the first shower only, but the artist reiterates not to put soap on your body "at all" for the first shower, only using a washcloth in the areas she previously mentioned. Once again, the woman was dumbfounded and asks again, what the spray tan artist means.

"I was like, 'what do you mean?' And she was like, 'if you want your tan to last the full 10 days, when you shower only use soap in those areas and just do water everywhere else,'" she says.

There was no getting around the idea that in order for the spray tan to last the woman was not going to be able to properly wash herself and she was thoroughly uncomfortable with that idea, informing the artist that she was going to continue to bathe regularly. Miss Redacted was told that if she bathed like normal her spray tan would only last five or six days.

spray tans; spray tan care; hygiene after spray tan; how to make spray tan last; showerPhoto credit: Canva

"Because I got down this rabbit hole, I started reading about it on Reddit and some of the ways that girls were saying they maintained their spray tans is absolutely insane. Absolutely insane. Like y'all need a bath. Y'all need a...actually a hose down. Let's like put you in the yard with some Dawn, like you're one of the ducks in an oil spill. I think that's what's needed at this point," the woman jokes before clarifying that she doesn't think every woman getting spray tanned is avoiding bathing.

But when it comes to the ick factor over the ones who have been skipping the shower for weeks at a time, the woman isn't the only one feeling the heebie jeebies. Commenters are also shocked and a little grossed out.

One person summoned knowledge from the legal scholar, Elle Woods, saying, "I can see not washing for 24 hours in order to not activate the ammonia thioglycolate."

"I will just continue to embrace my Morticia Addams aesthetic then because I will be scrubbing," another woman says.

spray tans; spray tan care; hygiene after spray tan; how to make spray tan last; truth behind spray tansSome people would prefer to just not be tan than not fully clean themselves.Photo credit: Canva

"What do you mean? WHAT DO YOU MEAN," one person demands, seeking answers that likely involve soap and water.

"The first time I spray tanned, I used a washcloth and most of the tan came off. I knew at that moment people aren't showering properly. There is no way a spray tan is lasting 10 days," a commenter reveals.

Other people explain how they get their spray tans to last longer while continuing to shower daily by using tinted moisturizers and body lotions that have a gradual tanner in it. The consensus seems to be that regular spray tanning is expensive without finding an affordable alternative to maintain the tan between sessions while continuing to bathe, but spray tanning before a special occasion is preferred. Who knew hygiene after spray tanning was such an involved art form?

This article originally appeared last year.

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