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toxic masculinity

Fatherhood

Man takes son for father-son dates to the nail salon and it's the sweetest relationship

Boys deserve gentle moments too.

De'Brence McClain|Instagram

Man's non-traditional father-son dates take over the internet

Spending time bonding with your kids can be really special for both parent and child. It can mean even more to the parent if they didn't have the best example of a parent growing up. Some parents may even find it healing to their inner child to be the kind of parent they wished they had like dad, De'Brence McClain.

McClain has gone viral several times on Instagram for his posts taking his 4-year-old son on father-son dates to places outside of the typical male identified activities. They do all sorts of things together, from going to McDonald's to going to buy themselves flowers just because. But they recently went viral for going to the nail salon to get manis and pedis.

Sure, lots of boys go to grab fast food with their dads, but it's the salon visits and other activities that people associate with "girl things," that get people's attention.

"I grew up just not having my father in my life like 100% of the time, so I just wanted to be a part of my son's life. I just felt like it's something that I could do," McClain tells Good Morning America in a recent interview.

Showing parents that there's another way to parent boys, breaking the binary thinking mold has sparked conversation in his comments.

"This is so awesome to see a father modelling [sic] healthy masculinity that includes good self-care routines, including feet and nail care!!! Too many older men have such nasty feet and nails because they were taught that good hygiene for some areas isn’t masculine!! Keep Teaching, Dad," someone tells McClain.

"Gosh this is Truly Absolutely Beautiful 4 Sure cause Giving your Son Different Experiences is Gonna Enrich His Life Immensely n so here’s to Being a Great Dad," another person writes completing the sentence with a crown.

"Thank you—so healing to see nurturing masculinity! What a good dad and good man you are," a commenter gushes.

"Men dismantling toxic masculinity with their sons and building trust, understanding, kindness... I love this for them," someone proclaims.

Who needs toxic masculinity when the magical massage chairs at nail salons work the same when men sit in them, too? These are definitely core memories that will help his son not only be more willing to try new things but know how to practice self care.

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dad son nail salon

Heroes

Study suggests that more men would recycle if it were seen as 'manly'

"Make the man feel manly, and he’s more likely to go green."

Canva

Environmentalism needs men to pick it up.

Environmentalism, it turns out, might have a bit of a gender gap: Women tend to recycle more and leave less carbon and litter behind.

So how do we fix this? According to a Scientific American article, if we want men to make better decisions, we need to make going green feel manly.

The authors of the article were a group of researchers who conducted a series of experiments involving over 2,000 US and Chinese participants. According to their results, everyone seems to view certain green behaviors (like carrying a reusable shopping bag) as inherently more feminine.

Furthermore, when men were confronted with stereotypically feminine environmental messaging — like asking them to imagine using frilly pink gift cards to buy lamps, batteries, or backpacks — male participants apparently overreacted and pushed back by buying less environmentally-friendly options.

Men, it seemed, were effectively throwing the environmental baby out with the floral-scented bathwater.

But the authors say this can change. In further experiments, they revealed that re-enforcing traditionally masculine ideas could undo this effect. One experiment showed that men at a car dealership in China were more interested in purchasing a hybrid vehicle when ads for it included "manly" language. Another showed that men were more likely to donate money to the fictitious, uber-manly, howling-wolf-logo'd "Wilderness Rangers" non-profit, rather than one named "Friends of Nature."

"Make the man feel manly, and he’s more likely to go green," the article concludes.

The psychology of gender is, of course, very complicated, so there are no doubt more questions here that need to be answered, but if our goal is to help people go greener at the grocery store, ideas like this could be worth listening to.

This article originally appeared on 12.28.17

From Your Site Articles

psychology

Family

Mom refuses to clean the bathroom after her husband tells their sons to pee standing up

She has a good point.

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Who would want to clean that up?

There are only a few reasons why a man would cling so hard to maintain the right to stand while peeing, and they’re all far from logical. After all, sitting while urinating is not only less messy, it could prevent certain health issues.

One reason could just come down to sheer laziness. Standing while peeing is a habit so deeply ingrained one simply can’t be bothered to try new things. Or it’s quicker and easier, though that also seems debatable.

But the other, more prevailing cause is that peeing while standing up is so closely linked with the notion of masculinity. Because…it’s how the cowboys did it in the Wild West, I guess?

Saying (or writing) these things out loud, it’s easy to see how ridiculous these arguments are, especially when other people are left to clean up afterward. Urine is bound to go at least a little astray, even with the best of aimers. Put children into the equation, and you’re basically dealing with Jackson Pollock.

This is why one mom is taking a stand against the pee stand. Over on Reddit’s Am I The A**hole forum, she shared how her kids previously had zero issues peeing while sitting down.

“After we potty trained our sons I kept making sure that they were sitting to pee,” her post explained. “They are young and don't really care. They can use a urinal when we are out somewhere.”

Everything was fine until the woman's brother-in-law came to visit and took issue with the arrangement. He started “bugging” his brother about his nephews sitting to pee. So her husband pulled an about-face and began telling the boys that when they only pee, they should stand.

And that’s when the trouble started.

“The boys don't have great aim but they make up for it with a short attention span,” the poster quipped. Though she usually stuck to using her own bathroom, after a few days she ventured into the kid’s bathroom and, to no one’s surprise, “it was gross.”

This prompted the mom to initiate a new cleaning routine. Her post concluded, “When my husband got home I told him that he picked up a new chore. He now has to clean the toilets, floors, and walls in the bathrooms the boys are using. He said that it wasn't his turn. I said it was his idea for the boys to stand to pee so he had to deal with the consequences.”

via GIPHY

The verdict was fairly unanimous: This woman was NOT the a-hole. In fact, lots of other women felt the same kind of frustration and met it with similar retaliation.

“I will never understand why it's socially acceptable for boys and grown a** men to spray bathrooms like tom cats because they choose to stand to urinate,” one person wrote. “It's unnecessary and unsanitary. Either aim better, clean up after yourself, or sit.”

“I told my husband that I didn't sign up for cleaning his piss off the toilet and floor for the next 50 years,” added another. “He has been sitting ever since. Somehow he's still a man after over a year of sitting to pee!”

Luckily, peeing while sitting down is starting to be viewed as something beneficial rather than emasculating, as more men worldwide adopt the practice. Perhaps even more would be on board if they were responsible for clean-up.

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kids

Family

As a therapist, here are the three rules I give my sons to combat toxic behavior

If it makes you angry, research it.

Photo by Shawnee D on Unsplash

As a therapist, here are three rules I give my sons.

Most parents aim to raise good humans no matter their gender, but sometimes society comes in and muddies the water a bit. You can't turn on a device without reading words like "gentle parenting" or "toxic masculinity." A wild guess tells me that most people don't want to raise boys that grow up to fall into the category of toxic masculinity, but there don't seem to be many instructions on how to prevent it.

I won't pretend that I have all the answers and I don't want this to read as a humble brag because kids have a way of nevering like they never did before when we dare to say, "my child would never." It's just science. Well, maybe not science, but definitely an anecdotal observation.

What I can tell you is the things I've been doing to help combat the temptations of toxic masculinity. I have three boys, two of whom are teenagers, and while I would never say never, I can say they have been praised by teachers and authority figures. I've also been asked what I do differently, so I figured I'd share.

I'll admit, it's a little hard for me to pinpoint because I've instilled these messages in my boys since their birth, so they're not things I give much thought to anymore. But to identify what I do differently, I enlisted the help of my sons and, lucky for me and hopefully you, they gave me a list of three key differences they notice.

1. If it shocks you or makes you angry, research it.

If there's one thing that tends to make people more empathetic humans it's education. A lot of times people react emotionally when they hear something they don't believe or that's upsetting. Instead of stewing in the anger and digging their heels in, my boys know how to research whatever the issue is using nonbiased phrases.

Four young people sitting on bridge over of body of water.

Photo by Sammie Chaffin on Unsplash

An example of this is when my 14-year-old shocked the snot out of me by saying that most women falsely accuse men of assault. This was really upsetting to him to "know" because, of course, he didn't want to be falsely accused of anything. I didn't get upset, I only asked where he got the information and empathized how hearing that could make him feel. Once we got the feelings out of the way, I pointed him to Google and showed him what reputable sites looked like. We even talked about using Google Scholar.

Education makes things less scary and helps people unlearn myths or give context to inflammatory information they read on the internet.

2. Everyone experiences every emotion. Feel them, express them and talk it out.

Boys can experience other emotions outside of anger and happiness. I encourage my kids to name their emotions and to express them, whether it's at me because I've messed up or just in general. Once the feeling is named and expressed, let's get down to whatever the underlying emotion was. Sometimes it turns out to be disappointment and not sadness, or embarrassment, not anger.

If we can name the actual feeling, we can talk it out. They can find ways to address the issue that caused the feeling or take responsibility if it's something they did. Walking them through the whole process takes practice but it's worth it in the end because then they can effectively express their feelings to peers, partners or teachers all while remaining respectful.

Young man wearing brown jacket sitting near gray link fence

Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash

3. Speak up even when it's hard.

Speaking up covers a lot of ground. It's not just about calling out injustices when they see them. When I talk to my sons about using their voices, we talk about consent and what it looks like to properly ask for affirmative consent. It also covers speaking up when you witness inappropriate behaviors toward girls and vice versa.

When my 17-year-old was in middle school, he had instances where this lesson came in handy. On one occasion, the school bus was being loaded at the end of the day and after my son took his seat, he noticed two boys grabbing at a girl's behind as she told them to stop. He spoke up then informed the bus driver and principal of what happened.

While these three "rules" are helpful in combating toxic masculinity, they're also helpful to teach all children. Kids are influenced by what they see outside of their homes and on the internet, and if parents can be the counterbalance, we can all put good humans out into the world.

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toxic masculinity

Celebrity

A 30-year-old interview with Randy Savage is going viral because of his awesome take on masculinity

"I've cried a thousand times and I'm gonna cry some more."

YouTube

"Macho Man'"Randy Savage during a 1992 appearance on "The Arsenio Hall Show."

A surprisingly wholesome video clip of the late iconic professional wrestler "Macho Man" Randy Savage is going viral for the surprisingly vulnerable answer he gave when asked if he ever cries.

The 1992 interview with Arsenio Hall began with Hall joking that Savage's "middle name is macho," and asking if he ever cried. If you're not familiar with professional wrestling in the 1980s and early '90s it was common for the biggest names of the day—Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Ultimate Warrior, Mr. Perfect and, of course, Macho Man—to take on personas that often embodied what we might now call "toxic masculinity." Many of them were after all what they call "heels," in wrestling circles, aka the bad guys.

So, it was pretty surprising to see the downright deep and wholesome response Savage gave to Hall without hesitation.

"It's OK for macho men to show every emotion available," Savage says in the clip. "I've cried a thousand times and I'm gonna cry some more."

This explanation of macho men being able to show all emotions was probably just as relevant then as it is now. The notion that it's not just OK, but completely normal and acceptable for men to cry goes against everything that some masculine norms have told boys from a young age. Not being able to express authentic emotions outside of anger can lead to mental health issues in men.

Watch the full clip below:

"I've soared with the eagles, I've slithered with the snakes and I've been everywhere in between," Savage continued. "Understand this: Nobody likes a quitter. Nobody said life was easy. So, if you get knocked down, take the standing eight count, get back up and fight again!"

As a public figure that boys, teens and young men looked up to, it was pretty incredible to see Savage appear on national television and dispel the myth that tough guys don't cry. Taking it one step further by proudly stating that he himself had cried "a thousand times" was powerful.

While this interview was filmed in the '90s, boys and men today are still fighting against the cultural norm of the hyper-masculine male image that includes bottling up emotions and not asking for help. All men experience a range of emotions, including sadness, because men are people and Macho Man is here to remind everyone it's OK to cry. Even when you're "macho."

macho man

Culture

Men share ridiculous ways their masculinity was questioned

Photo by Yogendra Singh on Unsplash

Is it manly enough to cradle a puppy?

Okay, we’ve come a long way in terms of rethinking gender norms.

Fashion is less rigidly conforming (you’ve seen the man who rocks pencil skirts and stilettos, right?). More men are flourishing in jobs traditionally performed by women. And perhaps most importantly, there is a growing number of male support groups that encourage heartfelt communication and emotional well-being.

But suffice it to say, there still remain quite a few incredibly outdated belief systems when it comes to how we define masculinity.

Case in point, a recent Reddit thread sparked by the question:

“Men of Reddit, what was the most ridiculous reason why someone questioned your masculinity?”

Some of these answers are indeed head scratchers. Others are flat-out offensive.

Here are 10 of the most egregious accounts:

1. Reading

Photo by Dollar Gill on Unsplash

“I was reading a book on my lunch break while I was working construction, and got a bunch of sh*t about reading being for women.” – Middle-Eye2129

“Went from women not being allowed to read to reading being only for women... what a world.” – Comprehensive-Ad4566

2. Practicing the most basic of safety measures

Giphy

One person wrote that their masculinity was questioned for “wearing gloves while welding.”

Because having all fingers intact makes you less of a man? Um … what?

Wear your gloves and fasten your safety belts, gentlemen. It’s okay. I'm pretty sure The Rock does.

3. Not eating the right foods

Giphy

“Had a friend give another friend shit because he wanted to eat a corn dog. He said grown ass men don’t eat corn dogs. Any man should understand.” – mondayortampa

It’s not just because of the distinct shape of certain foods garnering the “unmanly” label, either. See below:

“My dad got sh*t from a guy he was working with because he was eating a plain bagel with butter on it and drinking chocolate milk because the guy said it’s childish. Dad never cared and just laughed at the guy for being an idiot. Who wouldn’t like that combo? It’s a great thing to eat!” – WhatsUpFishes

“My husband bought some of our homegrown raspberries into work to share and a guy he works with said they were ‘girl food.’ It must be so exhausting to have to gender your food.” – Pepperfig_clover

4. Or drinking the right drinks

Photo by Atikh Bana on Unsplash

“Went to a Mexican restaurant and we waited at the bar before we could get a table. This place has awesome strawberry blended margaritas so I got one. Apparently lime = straight, strawberry = gay.” – Thirty_Helens_Agree

5. Appreciating cleanliness

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“I've had both women I just started dating, and male acquaintances who have thought my clean apartment was an indication I was gay.” – NorCalDustin

6. Using pink … anything

www.publicdomainpictures.net

“At work I gave a guy a report and it had a pink paperclip on it.

He asked me why I gave him a pink paperclip. I told him I just grabbed one. He then asked why I had a pink paperclip - I told him I had a rainbow pack.

Then he wanted to know why, when I saw it was pink, I didn't throw it away. He told me I shouldn't use pink paperclips [because] ‘people might have questions.’” – Everyday_Im_Stedelen

“About 30 years ago, they came out with neon string lines. As I work construction, I am constantly using string to ensure things are straight. By far, the brightest of the strings was a pink one.

So, I was constantly chided by the crew for having a pink string. This only happened until it started getting closer to dusk, at which point they all wanted to borrow my string.” – Dioscouri

7. Not applying deodorant in a ‘manly way’

Giphy

“Somebody once told me I wasn't applying deodorant manly enough.” – PearSB

“How do you apply deodorant in a manly manner?” – The_One_True_Disease

“You set fire to the can and let it explode behind you as you look epically to the camera.” – Astrophobia42

8. Being kind

commons.wikimedia.org

“Got accused of being gay for being nice to people in the dive bar I go to... I guess it's not masculine to be nice to people.” – pgh613

9. Having daughters

Photo by Bermix Studio on Unsplash

“When I was pregnant, with a girl, someone said to me, in front of my husband, ‘a real man would’ve given you a boy.’” – badmamathree

“Someone should have said that to Henry VIII.” – BaldingMonk

“Why do you think there was a protestant movement?” – ArthurBonesly

10. Allowing a woman to do manly things

Giphy

“I was taking a break from driving a forklift and a woman asked if she could drive it (she was qualified to drive it so this wasn't just a random question from a random person.) I agreed and this one guy got so offended that I let a woman take over driving the forklift from me. This was back when ‘mancard’ was a thing so he of course said I needed to turn in my mancard for that.

Unsurprisingly, it turns out this guy got offended at all kinds of things all the time though. If he thought someone wasn't doing something the "right" way, he would rant and whine about it.” – BrickFlock

Clearly, we still have some ways to go on this subject.

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People are debating what 'appropriate' fatherly love looks like, and frankly, it's just sad

John Cardillo/Twitter

A photo of Joe Biden hugging and kissing his only living son, Hunter, is circulating after Newsmax TV host John Cardillo shared it on Twitter with the caption, "Does this look like an appropriate father/son interaction to you?"

The question is clearly meant to be a dig at Biden, whose well-documented life in politics includes many examples of both his deep love for his family and his physical expressions of affection. While his opponents have cherry-picked photos to try to paint him as "creepy," those who know him well—and who are in some of those viral images—defend Biden's expressions of affection as those of a close friend and grandfatherly figure. (And in fact, at least one photo of Biden holding and kissing a child's face was of him and his grandson at his son Beau's funeral, taken as a still shot from this video.)

Everyone has their own level of comfort with physical space and everyone's line of what's appropriate when it comes to physical affection are different, but some accusations of inappropriateness are just...sad. And this photo with this caption is one of those cases.

What people see when they look at this photo says a lot more about them than it does about the father and son in it. And the reactions on Twitter made that point crystal clear.

A therapist weighed in, saying "if anyone looks at this photo and sees anything other than father + son love, I'd recommend therapy until the person knows [the difference between] healthy + unhealthy touching."

Some people pointed out that this kind of affection from a father to a son is something the world needs more of, not less.

Others just matter-of-factly said, "Umm, yes." Like, what is he seeing that he things isn't appropriate?

Not that it wouldn't be appropriate if this weren't the case, but knowing the tragedy this father and son have been through adds greater context to this photo. Biden lost his wife and Hunter lost his mother in a car accident when Hunter was little. And Biden lost a son and Hunter lost his only brother in 2015 when Beau Biden died of brain cancer.

This is a father-son affection that includes a bond that only those who have shared severe loss can know.

Many people shared how the photo made them miss their own fathers and wish they could have one more hug or kiss from their dad.

In addition to pointing out the hypocrisy of Trump supporters trying to paint Biden as inappropriate when there is no shortage of photos of Trump in eyebrow-raising photos with his kids—including one with Ivanka and Eric as kids standing next to Jeffrey Epstein—some people shared how a lack of fatherly affection might explain how people see Trump.

Several people suggested that Cardillo sees the photo the way he does because he himself has daddy issues.

And in one response, Cardillo almost appeared to confirm it, only denying a small, unrelated part of a tweet suggesting he'd been mistreated by his own father.

The fact that anyone would look a photo of a loving father embracing his son and kissing him on his cheek and think "Ew," is truly sad.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where men showing affection is viewed negatively by some people, whether due to toxic ideas of masculinity or homophobia or both. We also live in an era of poisonous partisanship that pushes people to view those on the other side of the political spectrum as evil. Combine that with the QAnon conspiracy theorists obsession with pedophilia, and we've ended up with one of the nicest and most decent men in politics being smeared with posts like this.

Clearly, some people need more parental love in their lives.

From Your Site Articles

toxic masculinity

Man takes son for father-son dates to the nail salon and it's the sweetest relationship

Boys deserve gentle moments too.

Study suggests that more men would recycle if it were seen as 'manly'

"Make the man feel manly, and he’s more likely to go green."

Mom refuses to clean the bathroom after her husband tells their sons to pee standing up

She has a good point.

As a therapist, here are the three rules I give my sons to combat toxic behavior

If it makes you angry, research it.

1. If it shocks you or makes you angry, research it.

2. Everyone experiences every emotion. Feel them, express them and talk it out.

3. Speak up even when it's hard.

A 30-year-old interview with Randy Savage is going viral because of his awesome take on masculinity

"I've cried a thousand times and I'm gonna cry some more."

Men share ridiculous ways their masculinity was questioned

1. Reading

2. Practicing the most basic of safety measures

3. Not eating the right foods

4. Or drinking the right drinks

5. Appreciating cleanliness

6. Using pink … anything

7. Not applying deodorant in a ‘manly way’

8. Being kind

9. Having daughters

10. Allowing a woman to do manly things

Clearly, we still have some ways to go on this subject.

People are debating what 'appropriate' fatherly love looks like, and frankly, it's just sad

A juice company dumped orange peels in a national park. Here's what it looks like now.

Michael B. Jordan runs into his middle-school bully on the red carpet and calls her out

Parents who grew up in the '70s and '80s remember the experiences that blow their kids' minds

It's not COVID, it’s culture: Teacher who has worked overseas shares the problem with U.S. kids

Dad shares family's confusion when his young son demanded 'people chicken' for dinner