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10 former bullies share what inspired them to become kinder

Change is possible.

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Bullying is often modeled by parental behavior.

Bullies are made, not born. Bullying traits might be picked up in a variety of ways, but violence, aggression and cruelty are most certainly learned behaviors during a child’s development.

The book “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Child and Adolescent Psychology,” co-authored by psychiatrist Jack C. Westman M.D. and science writer Victoria Costello, lists five major factors that most often lead to bullying: physical punishment, watching aggressive behavior in adults, violent television, problems with processing emotions and undiagnosed mental illness.

The underlying theme in these causes? A lack of empathy. Bullies are often taught—whether directly or subversively—that dominance and control are more vital than compassion and understanding. This results in pain for not only the intended target, but for the oppressor themselves.

how to stop a bullyHurt people hurt people. Photo by yang miao on Unsplash

But just as it can be learned, bullying can be unlearned—through supportive friendships, trusted role models and maybe even professional help. People are always capable of change when given the necessary tools to do so.

Recently, a Reddit user asked former bullies (and former “mean girls,” for as we all know this is not necessarily a gender-specific phenomenon) to share what “finally brought a change.”

The answers were inspiring. They not only showed that yes, the adage is true, “hurt people hurt people,” but also that powerful transformation can happen simply by taking accountability. Many of these former bullies admitted to growing up in less-than-ideal environments and did not know any other way to cope. But eventually they were given fresh insight, and with that were better able to choose kindness.

The world might seem like a cold and uncaring place at times, but these 10 stories are a beautiful reminder that change is always possible.

“Wasn't really a bully but I wasn't nice either. I…was mean to people who I thought deserved it, and it didn't help that there were also other people who were just as mean and judgmental as I was. It got to the point that I was needlessly fighting my friends and only when I was confronted about my attitude and I got to hear my friend's perspective that I shifted.

…Took a lot of time and educated myself on how to be better. Also therapy lol. Anger management, anxiety management, etc. I couldn't erase who I was and I accept that part of me. I'm not saying I'm all perfect now…I know there's still a lot of work to do, but all in all it's loads better than before. I'm glad I had the chance to grow up and get better." – @AnxiousCrownNinja

“Right after high school was the turning point for me… I was having a lot of discord with my own friends due to my attitude and it took hearing their honest feedback about how my approach was alienating them for me to start doing major self reflection. I decided I didn't want people to fear me and I certainly didn't want to alienate my own friends, so I started talking less and listening more. I made an honest effort to care more about people as individuals-I got interested in the unique strengths each person brings to the table and did what I could to start learning from others. I humbled myself a lot over the years. I worked on saying I'm sorry and admitting when I was wrong. And years later I've gotten into therapy to continue to work on myself. I'll never be warm and fuzzy as that's just not my personality, but I'm a much better person than I was when I was younger.” – @Babhak

“Was essentially bullied at home by my family and I took it out on those around me. Thankfully I had some friends that let me know I was being a dick and I apologized to the people I hurt, I'll always hate myself for the way I acted and I don't think that will ever change. I still catch myself being a grumbling asshole sometimes but I will never let myself be who I used to be.” – @raikonai

“I got a job as a video game tester and worked with people who were bullied when they were younger. We'd tell stories and things I found funny they found traumatic and mean. As cliche as it is, I never thought about it from their perspective or thought my behavior was bullying until then. Helped me see it from the other side, I'm much more empathic now. Pretty ashamed about my behavior when I was younger.” – @GCJallDAY

“When I realized I was just like my dad, and I really dislike my dad.” – @kastawamy

what cause bullying, cyberbullying

We don't have to become our parents.

Photo by Muhmed Alaa El-Bank on Unsplash

“I come from a small town where families have generational feuds. It also didn't help that my family is poor and very ghetto/redneck and very racially mixed. All of my aunts and uncles and parents are some form of addict in one way or another. I didn't have a chance. I truly didn't. The kids I went to school with weren't allowed to hang out with me and my siblings. I remember going to a friend's house and their parents asked me my last name and they told me to leave once they heard it. I was severely bullied in elementary school and teachers didn't care to help because of the family I came from. I had one teacher just be vicious to me because my mom was selling her kid weed. I was pretty much feral and didn't have manners and just in general an autistic kid.

So I quickly learned that anger was the best shield. I bullied my bullies back. They can't catch you off guard if you're the attacker. I fought the people who came at my family with as much violence as they gave me. It bled onto kids who were friends with my bullies. They turned into essentially collateral damage. I was a bully but I was also the blood in the water in a school system that encouraged violence. It's taken me a long time to deal with [what] my home town put me through. I switched towns and changed my name. That helped a lot. I ended up in juvy after a giant fight with several family members. To say I was scared straight is an understatement. I was required to go to group therapy as part of the program I was put in to reform me. The judge knew my family and gave me a shot I took advantage of. He played a huge role in my mindset on my circumstance. I learned how to handle my trauma in a more productive way over the course of years and so much hard work. I ended up having to change my name so I wouldn't be harassed by cops and those who knew my family.

I'll definitely say this again—I grew up in a system where you had to do everything you could to survive. I can't really stomach what I did…I've left apologies in so many inboxes as an adult. I've even made friends with some of them.” – @beastgalblue

“Over time and with new experiences, I stopped hating myself and my life. Then, I started seeing value in my existence and realized I actually impacted people. Happiness, for myself and others, became my reason for living. My middle school health teacher used to tell us that bullies are hurting and that's why they bully. Miss Costello, wherever you are, you were right. I've never met a bully who was happy with themselves or their life. I tell my students all the time that hurt people hurt people, and I stand by that. The fastest way to help a bully change is to show them love, kindness, and compassion.” – @mha3620

“I was a mean girl. Cheer, popular, thought I was better than everyone else. During summer break in high school I went to camp. I was bullied by some of the other girls there so relentlessly. From hazing, to humiliating me, lying to get me in trouble. It was bad. After that I changed. Wish it was earlier.” – @lesbomommy

means girls, girl bullies

Learning from mistakes is all part of the human experience.

Photo by Scotty Turner on Unsplash

“I was one of those jocks who picks on the weaker kids who couldn’t really defend themselves, in order to make the crowd laugh…It was never anything too physical or over the top, so parents or others never got involved, but I know that I made life a pain for some individuals while in elementary school.

Anyhow, this PE teacher of mine took me into his office after hours one day and explained that I should try to use my authority better, and that while it might feel good to make others laugh on someone else's behalf, it feels a lot better to be an overall good guy.

Never really had any good male influence in my life before that, so that really stuck with me, and from high school and onward I tried to reach out and confront others in school that bullied others. Oftentimes we just don’t know better.” – @KingBob3922

“I grew up in an abusive home and did it out of self-protection. Verbally hurt them before they could hurt you. I know my behavior didn’t make me popular or really make me feel better but I needed to lash out on the easiest targets. fast forward to having no friends in my mid 20 s and needed to figure out why.

I actually became friends with older coworkers [and] as a proxy parental influence they gently guided me. ‘Why would you say that to someone? Why would you say that about yourself? Why do you talk that way? Why is everything a fight? What's wrong with being different? What's wrong with making mistakes?’ No judgments, just gentle questions that I couldn't answer until I looked hard at myself.

I'm glad that someone took the time to see past my anger, my pushing people away, my misery and saw a young person that just needed some kindness.” – @OrdinaryPride8811

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Pop Culture

All In: 5 Ways This Week

From the silly to the sentimental, there are so many ways people like to go “all in” on something. Here are our five favorite examples we found this week across the internet.

5 ways people are going "All In" this week
5 ways people are going "All In" this week
5 ways people are going "All In" this week
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When you hear the words “all in,” what do you think? You might picture a Dancing with the Stars trend gone viral or maybe bridesmaids who fully supportive of the bride's favorite movie (and recreates an iconic scene). Whatever you picture, the idea is the same: Someone who does something with 100 percent total commitment. Going “all in” means giving your all—going completely over the top, no second guessing, no holding back. Just full-throttle enthusiasm, with some flair and creativity thrown in. And when people go “all in,” something truly special usually happens as a result.


The internet abounds with examples of people giving it their all—whatever it is. In this roundup, we’ve found the very best examples of people going “all in”—moments where passion, creativity, and commitment take center stage. Some are sentimental, some are silly, but all of them are a reminder that giving 100 percent is truly the only way to leave a mark on this world. Get ready: These folks didn’t just show up, they went all in.

1. An Iconic "snow-coaster"

One thing about going all in - it can be crazy and childish at times. That’s something that makes going all in special, connecting with that side of you that takes things less seriously in order to have some fun. Shira Goldstone and her husband took to that mindset when it started snowing in their backyard. Shira’s husband picked up planks of wood (and whatever other tools are required) and within the same night, in the falling snow, built a “snow-coaster” for the two of them to play on.

2. A Truck That's Feeding It's Community

You already know our friends at All In—they’ve got some seriously tasty snacks that are not only healthy and affordable (scroll to the bottom of this article to see how you can snag a free bar), they help fund food banks, gardens, community fridges, meal programs, and other amazing things

For Giving Tuesday, All In teamed up with Fresh Truck, a weekly mobile market that brings fresh and affordable produce to neighborhoods in the Boston area. Fresh truck hosts weekly markets, pop-up events, and an online storefront, all to help strengthen communities who need it the most. They’re going all in on local nutrition and food access, and we’re here for it.


3. All In on Madam Morrible

I’m always all in on a good TikTok trend. This week, I’m going to share with you a classic that has come out of the Wicked franchise and the incredible actress Michelle Yeoh.

Michelle, who plays Madame Morrible in the Wicked movies, is an outstanding actress. She’s known for iconic films like Everything, Everywhere, All At Once, as well as Crazy Rich Asians and Star Trek. But her legacy might be this one quote, which she’s said in interviews countless times, and now people can’t stop making videos with the phrase “Madame Morrible, M.M…flip it around, W.W. Wicked Witch!”

You might have to take a look at how people are going all in yourself, the sound has taken off with already 14.3K videos, and the variations are unstoppable...defying all odds and maybe even...defying gravity?

4. Spotify Wrapped: All in on "Coconut Mall"

TikTok · Ale

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There’s nothing better than finding a song that hits just right and gets you feeling productive. For some people, it’s lofi beats. For others, it’s orchestra music. For TikTok user @aleinmotion, it was the “coconut mall” song from the Mario Kart racing soundtrack. Ale never realized how much she listened to the song until it became #1 on her Spotify Wrapped. Sometimes you’ll be surprised by what you love most, and I’m thinking this is one of those moments for Ale.

5. A Family Prank Everyone Enjoys

This girl said her boyfriend had an ugly hat, so her family decided to go all in on supporting him instead. This is when love and humor come together, a perfect prank that actually made the boyfriends day…and taught his girlfriend that nothing is really that serious! They even got the daughter her very own hat as well, and she looked happy to wear it!

As someone who grew up with a dad who always wore floppy hats to protect him from the sun, I understand the embarrassment. Maybe it’s time I go all in and show my support with a matching hat and white long sleeve sun shirt!

Snag your free (!!) snack bar here while this deal lasts. Simply sign up with your phone number, pick up your favorite flavor of an All In bar at Sprouts, and then text a picture of your receipt through Aisle. They’ll Venmo or PayPal you back for the cost of one bar. Enjoy!

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Pets

Man's inability to control himself over his new kitten's cuteness is beyond relatable

If you've ever had a pet kitten, you get it.

kitten, cute kitty, cute aggression, cuteness, baby cat
Photo credit: Canva

There's nothing like a kitten to bring out the cuteness aggression.

It's hard to explain the all-consuming adorableness of a kitten to someone who's never had one. Yes, we all see how cute they are in photos and videos, but falling in love, in real life, with a kitten of your own is a whole other level of swoon. Every single thing they do is cute. Every yawn. Every stretch. Every pounce. Don't even get me started on sneezes.

How many times have we seen the classic "didn't want a cat" story of a "not a cat person" falling hard and fast for a kitten? It happens. And a viral video of a man who is unable to contain himself over his new kitten's cuteness perfectly encapsulates what that looks like.

kitten, orange tabby, cute kitty, cute aggression, cuteness Kittens are the cutest. Photo credit: Canva

"Well, I'm just going to explode, aren't I?" the man says to the woman behind the camera before going on and on about how he'd step in front of a bullet for the kitten.

"Look at that cute little boy," he says as the small orange tabby lies curled up in a blanket. "Yeah, that's mine forever now. That's mine forever. And he comes before you, now. He's mine."

@waif8chimney

So I guess I’d die for this kitty🤝

The pacing around with energy to burn. The "cute patootie bobooty." The "I'm literally going to explode" moving right into the "I'm going to eat him," and "I would die for you." The fact that they just met and he's already up to his eyeballs in gushy, smushy love. It's all so relatable to those of us who've gone off the deep end after adding a tiny furry feline to our family.

People in the comments shared the sentiment.

"I got a kitten a week ago and it literally pains me to leave her everyday. She’s all i think about 😭"

"The overstimulated pacing is so real.😂😂"

"Every second of this was the correct response."

"I just got two and the overload of emotions is beyond words."

"12 years later and I still talk about my cat like this 😂"

"The amount of times I tell her 'I'd shmurder for you!!'"

"The cuteness aggression is completely appropriate! 'Cutie-patootie-bobootie, I'm gonna eat em.'"

kitten, orange tabby, cute kitty, cute aggression, cuteness Grrrr, wook at his widdle paws and his widdle whiskers. Photo credit: Canva

Cute aggression is a real thing

Lots of people mentioned "cuteness aggression" in the comments, and that's exactly what we're witnessing in the video. When you feel so overwhelmed by the cuteness of something that you want to squish it, squeeze it, bite it, or even eat it? That's cute aggression, a term coined by social psychologist Oriana Aragon in 2014.

"Cute aggression seems to be a mechanism to manage the overload of positive feelings we can get when we interact with something too cute for us to handle," says Associate Professor Lisa A. Williams, a social psychologist from the University of New South Wales. "In other words, to counter an overwhelming barrage of positive feelings, we seek to tamp it down – and weirdly enough, that can play out as an aggressive inclination."

@sadiebreann_

unreal #cutenessaggression #motherhood #newborn #newbaby #motherhoodunplugged #motherhoodunfiltered #sahm #momlife #sahmsoftiktok #baby

It's not actually aggression in the strictest sense, as the impulse comes along with a strong feeling of wanting to protect the cute little animal, child, or whatever is causing the explosion of feeling. Like, you might feel a strong urge to bite your baby, but you would never actually bite your baby. You might want to squish your kitten or hug your puppy as tight as you can, but you wouldn't because you know it would harm them.

It's a weird contrast of feelings, but it's common. And it's hard to explain to people who don't experience it. Interestingly, Aragon says that those who do experience cute aggression also tend to experience other dimorphous expressions of positive emotion, which includes crying when happy. "People who, you know, want to pinch the baby's cheeks and growl at the baby are also people who are more likely to cry at the wedding or cry when the baby's born or have nervous laughter," she told NPR.

Whatever we call it, the urge to bite the baby or squish the kitten is real for many of us who feel totally seen in these videos.

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Culture

When the mail carrier can't read your handwriting the USPS calls in these experts to save the day

"Master keyers" can decipher a new address roughly every four seconds

postal workers, mailman, mail carrier, usps, mail, handwriting, package delivery, delivery driver
Photo credit: Canva & *Hajee/Flickr

The remote mail processing facility that deciphers our sloppy chicken-scratch addresses.

ALT HL: When mail addresses are too hard to read, they get sent to this strange and fascinating facility

ALT HL: The crack team of 800 specialists that works around the clock to decipher sloppy handwriting on US mail

Our handwriting is getting worse. More and more of our writing and communications are being done digitally, and young people, in particular, are getting a lot less practice when it comes to their calligraphy. Most schools have stopped teaching cursive, for example, while spending far more time on typing skills.

And yet, we still occasionally have to hand-address our physical mail, whether it's a holiday card, a postcard, or a package.

We don't always make it easy on the postal service when they're trying to decipher where our mail should go. Luckily, they have a pretty fascinating way of dealing with the problem.

The U.S. Postal Service sees an unimaginable amount of illegible addresses on mail every single day. To be fair, not all of it comes down to sloppy handwriting. Labels and packaging can get wet, smudged, ripped, torn, or otherwise damaged, and that makes it extremely difficult for mail carriers to decipher the delivery address.

You'd probably imagine that if the post office couldn't read the delivery address, they'd just return the package to the sender. If so, you'd be wrong. Instead, they send the mail (well, at least a photo of it) to a mysterious and remote facility in Salt Lake City, Utah called the U.S Postal Service Remote Encoding Center.

According to Atlas Obscura, the facility is open 24 hours per day. Expert workers take shifts deciphering, or encoding, scanned images of illegible addresses. The best of them work through hundreds per hour, usually taking less than 10 seconds per item. The facility works through over five million pieces of mail every day.

Every. Single. Day.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

The process of encoding the mail is very cool. The electronic system the encoders—called "keyers"—use is connected to real conveyer belts full of mail all over the country.

The local mail distributors are counting on the REC to properly process the illegible mail items before they get dumped off the conveyer belt and into a bin that must be sorted by hand.

Time is of the essence! That's why the best keyers process an address about every four seconds. Like a library, there's no talking or extra noise allowed in the work room. It's important that the keyers have the utmost focus at all times.

Not all of the items that come through the REC are the result of bad or damaged handwriting, by the way. Sometimes, the handwriting is highly stylized. That's why posters displaying cursive letters are hung in every cubicle, next to coding sheets that list state abbreviations, cities, etc.

At one point, there were 55 similar sites all across the United States. But improvements in software that can automatically read addresses and the lower volume of handwritten mail and letters going out means the Salt Lake City facility is the last one standing.

The REC currently employs about 800 people, but the facility is processing less and less mail every year.

Even still, the human keyers are the last line of defense when AI, machine-learning, and fancy algorithms fail. The technology will continue to improve, but human intuition and judgment simply can't be replaced in the toughest cases.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

What happens if the keyers at the USPSREC can't decipher an address? All is not lost.

A local postal worker would retrieve the mail from the "reject bin" and do his or her best to figure it out upon closer, physical inspection. If that fails, the mail would likely be returned to its original sender.

However, some postal workers have been known to go above and beyond to deliver mail. One famous viral story out of Iceland shows a sender that hand-doodled a map on the outside of a letter in lieu of an address—and it worked.

In recent years, there's been a lot of supposed "concern" about the U.S. Postal Service not being profitable and losing money each year. It is self-funded and receives no funds from American tax dollars.

Amid talks of the USPS's "broken business model," it's easy to forget that mail and package delivery is an essential public service. It keys our economy, our communities, and our democracy.

The postal service is in danger of being shut down or privatized, but that would be a major disservice to the postal workers and Encoding Center keyers who work tirelessly to make sure mail gets delivered on time to the right place.

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Video of a 1949 kitchen design has people drooling over its brilliant features

Can we bring back some of these "step saving" design elements?

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US National Archives/YouTube

People are fascinated by the features in this 1949 kitchen design.

Modern kitchens are pretty epic in the historical scheme of things. We have refrigerators that dispense ice, cold water, and even hot water. We have faucets that turn on and off with a touch. We have garbage disposals, automatic trash-can lids, and pot-filling faucets over stoves—all manner of modern conveniences that might make us assume that today's kitchens are superior to every era that came before.

In some ways, they are. But a video from the National Archives demonstrating the features of a 1949 step-saving kitchen design has some of us rethinking just how much. The video was put out by the United States Department of Agriculture’s Home Economics division and it details every part of this efficient kitchen design:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

No wonder kitchens from that era feel small compared to most new homes today. Modern kitchens tend to be sprawling but far less functional. This design may be small, but it’s mighty.

The movie itself is a bit of a time capsule—not only in the cabinetry and clothing styles, but in the clear assumption that only women would be using the kitchen. On one hand, it’s great that work traditionally viewed as "women’s work" became the focus of innovation aimed at making life easier. On the other hand, it’s interesting to see how much has changed around gender roles since the 1940s.

But why did the government even make a video like this in the first place? Why would the government even care about kitchen design?

kitchen design, home design, functional kitchen, interior design, kitchens Design 3D GIF Giphy

It all began with a push for science and innovation in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.

As food historian Sarah Wassberg Johnson wrote, "This kitchen design is the culmination of several decades of work studies. During the Progressive Era, American interest in science began to increase, and scientific theories were applied to everything from factories to households. The Efficiency Movement was part of this application of scientific principles to everyday life. Led by mechanical engineer Frederick Winslow Taylor, the movement posited that everyday life, from industry to government to households, were plagued by inefficiencies, which wasted time, energy, and money."

This movement, known as "Taylorism," spilled over into the home economics movement, which eventually became of interest to the U.S. government. A USDA report published in 1948 explained the push for efficient kitchen design:

"To help homemakers reduce time and work involved in kitchen activities, the Bureau is designing and preparing construction drawings for kitchens, with different arrangements of equipment — the U, L, broken U and L, and parallel-wall types of arrangement. They are designed to reduce walking, stooping, and stretching to a minimum, in accordance with accepted principles of work simplification."

And that's how we ended up with this glorious video.

Many people cheered for the features of this nearly 80-year-old kitchen design:

"Wow! That is an amazing well thought out kitchen. And we think we are modern today. That kitchen was has way more features than our kitchen today!" – @TheCrystalLion1

"I say I want an old time kitchen all the time! Everything was so functional." –@LizSmit97381516

"Yeah, that is pretty amazing! I would be completely happy with this." – @TexasAris

"I have a garbage pail and potato drawer like this. Love it. Our kitchen is brand new tho. I requested these things. Also a full size pull out pantry, 15 inches wide and 6 ft tall. Hideaway kitchen utensils vertical pullout 6 inches wide, full size microwave drawer. Modern kitchens can be amazing or terrible." – @NativeNoticer

Some people have expressed concern about bugs in those potato and onion bins, but someone who grew up in that era noted that potatoes and onions were such daily staples that families went through them quickly:

"We kept things real clean and, no, that was never a problem - the potatoes and onions were gone through on pretty much a weekly basis. We normally figured 1/2 an onion per person per day and a potato per person. We had a small family. Grandfather, grandmother, Uncle, Mom, myself, and a kid that no one wanted - 6 people; that is 6 potatoes and 3 onions a day or a 20# bag of each a week. And they were used as hash browns, potato pancakes, baked potatoes, sautéed onions in dishes (all dishes) and of course fried potatoes and french fries. They were pretty much a staple. We also had flour bins, two types - cooking and baking, and also two different kinds of sugar. There was baked bread and a pie or cake every single day and always biscuits. And everything was from scratch. All vegetables were prepared before cooking and did not come from cans and had only when in season, same with fruits. We did can some items but not many." – @DannerFoundati1

Naturally, times change, the way we use our homes changes, and new innovations often replace the old for good reason. But there may be some things we can learn from an era when function and efficiency were prioritized over Instagrammable spaces. What good is a beautiful kitchen if it's cumbersome to use?

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Love Stories

Penn Badgley compares romantic relationships to gardening, and the metaphor is spot on

He beautifully illustrates the difference between falling in love and being in love.

penn badgley, joe from you, botanical garden, gardening, flowers
Photo credit: Canva

Penn Badgley's botanical garden analogy is resonating with people.

Poets and philosophers have been using metaphors and analogies to try to define love for millennia, so it seems like we would have heard them all by now. But Penn Badgley, whose role as serial killer Joe in the TV series You couldn't be further from his real-life persona, has shared a metaphor for relationships that is hitting home.

Badgley has been married to his wife, Domino, since 2017, and he shared on the Mighty Pursuit Podcast some thoughts on the difference between falling in love and being in a real, long-term relationship. He explained that the initial experience of falling in love is "a total dream state that does not last."

"It's like the 'falling in love' energy," he says, "and if you go real hard and fast, then you'll burn through it quickly, and if you go slow it might last two years." But the physiological addiction of love, the infatuation period, always comes to an end. "And then, what are you left with?" he asks.

He talks about allowing your partner to be a whole person, with qualities that might be unattractive or uninteresting or imperfect. "Love on those terms is completely different," he says.

"You know, you go to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. It's gorgeous. Being in love—falling in love—is like walking through the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. Maybe you've gotten a free ticket. You walk in, you're like, 'Wow, this is beautiful.'"

garden, flowers, brooklyn botanical gardens, gardening metaphor, beautiful garden Bluebells at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. Rhododendrites/Wikimedia Commons

"I think being in a relationship is more like being a gardener at the Botanical Gardens," Badgley says. "It's like, you know how this all works. And you got to do some work, but that should be joyful, because you're making it beautiful. You go from being a passive person visiting a garden exhibit to becoming a master gardener. You really have to understand things about the soil, just the diversity of the plants that affect one another."

"The ecosystem of one person's interior and another is like that," he continues. "It's like the interaction of ecosystems. They have to find balance. And when they do, there's this really lovely, new kind of perfection."

The analogy is a powerful one that might help people who may be familiar with the falling in love experience but not so skilled in the being in a relationship part. Falling in love is passive enjoyment. Being in a relationship is learning how to create beauty and maintain it, building skills and understanding as you go.

"So many people these days want the botanical garden without putting in the gardening work. I love this analogy🪴🪏💚."

"Wow the way he explained this is so mesmerizing and relatable."

"His example of garden/nature is perfect; relationship/your partner is sacred. It shouldn't be treated as anything less."

"This is a very good analogy, most just want to visit daily vs becoming a gardner."

"The garden comparison was brilliant, very bright man who knows the hardships and struggles of a relationship but learning how to navigate through it to make it something meaningful and beautiful!!!"

"Hearing a man talk about relationships in this way gives me hope."

For relationships to work, having a comprehensive view of what love means and how you and your partner's "ecosystems" work together is super helpful. Love may not be simple or easy, but when you're dedicated to learning the skills to nurture it, you can go beyond just enjoying the pretty scenery and work to co-create something even more beautiful.

Watch the full Penn Badgley interview on Mighty Pursuit here:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

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Comedian's hilarious video has Millennials sharing their own unique 'doorbell phobia' stories

"I definitely hide immediately and try not to make any noise"

doorbell, millennials, comedian, strangers, generational differences
Photo credit: Canva, Africa images (left, cropped) / Khosro (right, cropped)

Millennials bond over their doorbell anxiety.

If you’re a Millennial who reacts to a knock on the door like it's a "jump scare" from a horror flick, you’re not alone. Comedian Jake Lambert nailed that particular form of anxiety in a new Instagram video titled "how different generations react to the doorbell," in which he acts out stereotypical responses from Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z.

The Boomer reaction is simply asking, reasonably, "Who’s that?" and walking over to the door. For Gen X, it’s wondering, "Who’s that?" and checking the security camera. The Gen Z move is apparently ignoring the sound entirely. But only Millennials, according to Lambert, react to a doorbell with genuine fear—in this case, appearing totally stunned and sliding off the couch into a puddle on the floor. The clip is hilarious, but it also appears to have touched a nerve. A large chunk of the top comments come from that demographic, with people pointing out the video’s accuracy.

Millennials say doorbell phobia is real

Here are some highlights from the flood of responses:

"Look, Millennials were locked up in the house alone when our parents were at work, we were told under NO circumstance were we to open the door for stranger’s. 🚪#strangerdanger⚠️"

"100% accurate on millennial 😂❤️"

"Millennial here. I definitely hide immediately and try not to make any noise"

"Millennials are not home ever unless you text first and give them hours notice. Facts."

"Yep, as a millennial, I can confirm that if I'm not expecting anything or anyone, there's no way I'm answering the door. The same applies to phone calls. Leave me alone. I don't exist. You don't need my time, and I yours."

"Millennial here. I've even removed my doorbell 😂"

"Millennial running quickly to the bathroom to hide hoping I wasn’t seen. I thought it was just me 😭"

"Millennials were latch key kids who were left home alone and told to never answer the door under any circumstances. We weren’t even supposed to let anyone see we were home alone, hence staying away from windows, closing the blinds, staying silent, etc. That was a large part of our childhood."

"And we stuck to it! 😂"

"Millennials are so anxiously traumatized 😂 I love us!"

"I'm a millennial and I feel so seen, but also attacked.😂"

"That millennial was quite accurate if I could disappear completely I would😂💯"

Safe spaces for this specific Millennial anxiety

This isn’t the only online safe space where Millennials have expressed their knock/ring stress. Ethan Lapierre (@Withethanlap) spoke "for all Millennials" in a funny and fascinating video, saying, "If someone rings the doorbell, we’re basically treating it like it’s a home invasion."

What’s interesting, Lapierre says, is a perceived shift in how this generation has interacted with that particular sound: "It’s so crazy because, growing up, someone ringing the doorbell was exciting. It meant one of your friends was coming over to see if you could go play or someone was selling, like, wrapping paper or Girl Scout cookies, you know?...Now [when] someone rings the doorbell, it’s like panic and anger. It’s like, 'Who even knows where I live? Who has the audacity to ring my doorbell right now?’ You start asking yourself, 'Do I even have the capacity to have a face-to-face conversation with another human?'"

But this response, Lapierre says, is "insane" because of how many Millennials were raised: "[A]ll of us are very well-versed in small talk, in pleasantries. That’s how we grew up. But somewhere along the line, we started needing a head’s up before you came to our house. Like 'Text me, call me, send a carrier pigeon—I don’t care. Just let me know before you come over.’ Because, for some reason, that ringing of the doorbell or that knock at the door is triggering a fight-or-flight response. It’s so wild because we grew up answering landlines without hesitation, but now we treat the doorbell ring like it’s a jump scare."

"I have no desire to open the door when I don't know who it is"

This same topic even launched a thread on the /Millennials subreddit' user rethinkingfutures wrote that they don’t answer the door unless they know someone is coming over. "Do other millennials not answer the door if they don’t know who it is? Even with a peep hole?" they asked. "I have no desire to open the door when I don’t know who it is or if I’m not expecting anyone. It’s not even that I’m a single woman who lives alone; I just hate answering the door for people whose arrival I’m not anticipating."

Lambert even touched on a similar topic in a video about how different generations show up to people’s houses. "Millennials will have hoped that the plans would've been canceled," he says in the clip. "There’s no reason that a millennial will ever actually want to come to your house…They will arrive late, but they will text you to let you know they're on their way, just as they're about to get into the shower. And a millennial will never knock on your door. You'll just get a text either saying 'here' or 'outside,' and that's your cue to go and let them in."

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