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The Gen X 'stay at home mom' crisis is real, but what's the solution?

Some moms in their 40s feel like they were lied to about what their "resume gap" would mean.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

40-something moms who stayed home to be with their kids are finding themselves in uncharted waters.

A few generations ago, parents had pretty clearly defined roles, with the dad generally being the breadwinner and the mom being the homemaker/stay-at-home mother. Then women's rights movement came along, empowering women in the workplace, ushering in the era of two working parents and producing an entire generation of "latchkey kids."

Now those Gen X latchkey kids are parenting Gen Z, with the pendulum of working motherhood having swung somewhat to the middle. We were raised to believe we could be anything we dreamed of being and that we didn't have to choose between being a mom and having a career. Gen X also became mothers during the heyday of parenting self-help books that impressed upon us the importance of attachment and hands-on childrearing, as well as the era of super-scheduled kids, whose activities alone require a full-time manager.

As a result, those of us in our 40s have raised our kids straddling two worlds—the one where women can have all of the career success we desire and the one where we can choose to be stay-at-home moms who do all the things. At first, we were told we could have it all, but when the impossibility of that became clear, we were told, "Well, you can have it all, just not at the same time."

But as many moms are finding as their kids start leaving the nest, even that isn't the full truth.

A Facebook post by Karen Johnson, aka The 21st Century SAHM (short for "stay-at-home mom") nails the reality many stay-at-home moms in their 40s are facing as they find themselves floundering with the glaring gap in their resumes.


"This is for all the moms in their 40s who put their careers on hold to do the SAHM thing because you knew you couldn't do both—career you loved and motherhood—and do both WELL, so you picked, saying to yourself 'this is just for now and we'll see,'" Johnson wrote. "But now it's 15 years later and so much has changed in your career field that you know you can't go back. So really, when you 'took a break' all those years ago, you gave it up."

Johnson explained that yes, moms know they should be grateful for the time they've had with their kids. Most are. That's not the issue. Whether a woman chose to be a stay-at-home mom because she really wanted to or because childcare costs didn't work in the financial equation of the family, the transition out of it feels like completely uncharted waters.

"Okay, so you're looking for a 'career' with part-time hours and a 100% flexible schedule because you're still Mom-on-duty but you do have *just* enough hours during the day to reflect on the fact that you *do* have a college degree (maybe even 2) and although being a mom is the greatest and most important job in the world, you *might* actually want something more to your life than folding laundry and running hangry children to 900 events and remembering that they're all due for dental cleanings," she wrote.

Yup. The "default parent" role is real and weighted heavily toward moms as it is. For stay-at-home moms, it's 100% expected, and that doesn't suddenly end when it's time to start thinking about joining the workforce again.

And, of course, moms barely have time to try to figure all of this out.

A working mom multitaskswoman in white long sleeve shirt holding brown and white labeled canPhoto by Memento Media on Unsplash

So, as Johnson says, "But for now, you cram yourself into the only pair of jeans you have right now that fit and find a t-shirt on the floor that isn't clean but isn't dirty and will pass for the 4 hours of mom-taxiing you're about to do and you tell yourself, 'I'll figure it out another day. Right now, I gotta get the kids to practice.'" Oof.

Johnson's entire post is worth a read, as it resonates with so many women at this stage of life. But just as telling are the comments from women who not only see themselves in Johnson's description but who feel like they were sold a bill of goods early in their motherhood. So many of us were led to believe that the skills and experiences of managing a family would be valued in the workplace simply because they should be and that the gap in their resume wouldn't matter.

"This hits hard. I am right there too. And all those volunteer hours & leadership positions people said would look good on my resume when I once again applied for jobs? Those people all lied. It means squat," wrote one person.

"Thank you! You spoke my heart. 42 this year, resigned from teaching almost 12 years ago, and never been more confused about my personal future, or exhausted in my present," shared another.

"I’ve never related to a post more in my life! THANK YOU. Your words perfectly summarize the loneliest, most important job in the world and how that perspective shifts in your 40s. It is confusingly beautiful," wrote another.

Some moms have chosen to see their post-stay-at-home era as a fresh start to learn something new, which might lend some inspiration to others.

woman carrying baby with two ladies beside her smilingPhoto by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

There is hope in the comments, too.

"I went back for my master’s degree at 47 years old. I’m now 50 in a new career I love and my husband is doing just fine pulling his weight with after school/carpool/dinner. Happy for the years I stayed home, happy with this new season too," shared one person.

"Yuuuup. I decided to go back to grad school at 45. It’s insane but every term I complete I’m like - omg I’m doing it! So don’t let sweaty out of shape bodies and carpool fatigue stop you. I take naps and write grad school papers and have meltdowns where I cry from the frustration of it all - but dammit I’m doing it!" wrote another.

One mom who is past this stage also offered some words of encouragement:

"So incredibly well written. I feel all these things and did throughout my 40s. Now I'm in my early '50s and I'm so glad I was able to stay home with my kids, but the guilt! The guilt of not using my education, the judgment of people who don't understand why someone would stay home with their kids, the social engineering... We just eat each other alive sometimes don't we? I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it is a very lonely road and one you always question. I can tell you that all three of my kids were so grateful to have a full-time parent. I might not have always been the best, but they were glad to always have someone to talk to if they needed it. It's hard to fill other people's buckets when your bucket isn't full, but the rewards do come back when the kids tell you thank you for everything that you've done. ❤️"

Being a mom is hard, period. Working moms have it hard, stay-at-home moms have it hard, moms who have managed to keep one foot in the career door and one foot in the home have it hard. There's a lot that society could do to support moms more no matter what path they choose (or find themselves on—it's not always a conscious choice), from providing paid maternity leave to greater flexibility with work schedules to retirement plans that account for time away from the workplace. Perhaps that would at least make the many choices moms have today feel more like freedom and less like choosing between a rock and a hard place.


This article originally appeared on 9.27.23

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Identity

Young kids meet women in traditionally 'male' jobs and their reaction speaks volumes

It's a brilliant example of how we're taught gender stereotypes at a very, very early age.

Photo from YouTube video

A campaign pushes back against limitation and gender roles.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? A firefighter? A rockstar? What about a veterinarian or a fighter pilot?

While you were dreaming up your future career, did the fact that it typically attracts workers of a certain gender influence you at all? You might be quick to say "no way," but gender stereotypes likely played a part in your development even if you weren't aware of it.


In #RedrawTheBalance, a campaign from Inspiring the Future, a group of kids were asked to draw people in various careers like firefighters or surgeons.

Here's what they drew:

A surgeon.

career choices, influence, education, positive reinforcement

A child draws a surgeon as a man.

Photo from YouTube video

A firefighter.

stereotypes, family, classroom, role models

Children attach gender to different jobs they draw based on stereotypes.

Photo from YouTube video

Notice a trend?

According to several studies, children tend to be more rigid in their gender stereotyping, which may be because they have a more "absolutist sense of rules" than adults do.

Children learn this stereotyping behavior from lots of places — parents, friends, and, of course, the media they consume. Unfortunately, the stereotype that certain jobs are for certain genders still prevails to this day, which is a shame because it means that kids grow up thinking there are certain jobs they can't do because of their gender.

There is good news, however. While young kids are impressionable, that doesn't mean it's too late to correct those impressions — sometimes all it takes is them meeting one person doing one job that doesn't fit a stereotype to change the way they see the world.

gender roles, career, classroom, education

Women demonstrating that all types of careers are open for exploration.

Photo from YouTube video

That's what happened when these kids get their minds blown when people who do the jobs they illustrated walk into the room and they aren't exactly who they expected to see.

Children appear excited and interested during the PSA.

If you'd like to see what happened for yourself, click on the link to the video below:

This article originally appeared on 09.01.16

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Heroes

6-year-old's 'alphabet rap' about jobs is seriously sweet and incredibly impressive

Bobby White/Facebook

Sam White may only be six years old, but he's got skills that surpass most adults.

The Tennessee youngster and his dad, Robert White, have swept social media and stolen people's hearts in their "YouCanBeABCs" rap collaboration. With dad beat boxing in the background, 6-year-old Sam expertly takes us through the entire alphabet in order, naming careers kids can aspire to with short, clever, rhyming descriptions of each one.

You can be a "A"—You can be an ARCHITECT

Catch a building to kiss the sky

You can be a "B"—You can be a BIOCHEMIST

Makes medicines, save lives

You can be a "C"—COMPUTER SOFTWARE DEVELOPER

With programs and systems and files

You can be a "D"—You can be a DENTIST

Cuz everybody loves to smile

Sam's ease in front of the camera, skill in rapping the lyrics, and obvious joy in performing are a delight to witness. And dad in the background, backing him up with a beat, makes for both a sweet backdrop and a metaphor for strong, steady, supportive parenting.

It's all the more impressive when you learn that Sam memorized the whole thing. Robert shared on Facebook that the kiddo is looking at the camera, not a teleprompter, while he raps. He added that Sam also did his own choreography.

Just watch:

It's common for young kids to explore careers in school, but this list is much more specific than many kid lists of jobs. From gastroenterologist to mobile app developer to quantum physicist, the careers they include and their simple descriptions are both entertaining and educational. The list is diverse, from highly academic jobs like quantum physicist to hands-on skilled jobs like truck mechanic. They even include "YOUR OWN BOSS" for "Y" and wrap it up with "ZEALOUSLY STRIVE" for "Z," since no matter what a kid decides to be or do they'll need to work hard and do their best. Finally, "Don't be a ZOMBIE and let the world pass you by" is the perfect ending to darn near perfect video.

Seeing dad's burst of joy when they finish and Sam's sweet smiling face is almost too much to take. So dang sweet. So dang cute. So much respect for this family.

The video has gotten huge reach, with 275,000 people sharing it in just three days. The son and dad have a YouTube channel and an Instagram account, which Robert White wrote on Facebook that they "are just starting to build it out with content that reflects why Sam has kept us smiling and full of joy since the day he was born."

Hopefully we'll see more from this dynamic duo. Thanks for the smile, White family!

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This mom left an abusive relationship and fell into poverty. Here's how she got out.

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Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

Almost 10 years ago, Stephanie Land and her baby daughter Mia had no choice but to check into a homeless shelter.

Stephanie was fleeing an abusive relationship. She had no family to turn to, and she couldn't afford a place of her own. For the next three months, she and Mia lived in the Port Townsend homeless shelter in Washington.

Stephanie knew she needed help — and that's why one of the places she turned to was the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program(SNAP).

Applying for SNAP benefits can be an an ordeal under the best circumstances, but it was even more challenging for Stephanie because she lacked internet access. Thankfully, her persistence paid off and she soon began receiving benefits to help her pay for food.

Photo via iStock.

Her SNAP benefits were usually $200 to $300 a month — a mere $7 to $10 a day — and it was often all she had to pay for food.

But the SNAP benefits went a long way for her family. Mia was a picky eater, so Stephanie had to get creative to make sure she was getting as much nutritious food as she could afford. Sometimes that meant adding vegetables and a homemade sauce to packages of instant ramen to get Mia to eat them.

It was a process, but ultimately, SNAP, along with other welfare benefits like health care and child care, helped them stay afloat while Stephanie looked for work.

Photo via iStock.

Unfortunately, looking for work was easier said than done during the 2008 recession.

"All the jobs that were available during normal child care hours were more professional jobs," Stephanie recalls.

The only jobs she could get were entry-level, minimum-wage jobs that usually involved her working late hours, when affordable child care services are rarely available.

This balancing act of working low-paying jobs, caring for her daughter, and living on welfare wore on Stephanie. But she knew that college could be her ticket out of it.

The Land family in their studio apartment in low-income housing. Photo via Stephanie Land.

Stephanie applied for and received the Pell Grant and the Women's Independence Scholarship, which helps survivors of domestic violence pay tuition. She also took out student loans.  

While these helped significantly, she had to keep working because the federal benefits she needed to survive — like food stamps — would only continue if she was working at least 20 hours a week.

As a full-time student and single mom, working that much proved near impossible. But Stephanie kept pushing forward, relying on her resourcefulness and persistence to make it to each next day.

"I learned the only person I really had to depend on is myself," she says.

[rebelmouse-image 19345897 dam="1" original_size="400x400" caption="Stephanie Land. Image via Stephanie Land/Stepville." expand=1]Stephanie Land. Image via Stephanie Land/Stepville.

Stephanie didn't feel comfortable turning to friends for support during this time because she knew some of them believed that people who rely on federal benefits are lazy, entitled, and refuse to work hard.

It's a hurtful stigma and, unfortunately, one that many believe about people who have no choice but to rely on programs like SNAP.

"Being on food stamps and on Facebook at the same time, you learn what your friends really think of people on welfare," Stephanie explains. "You learn pretty quickly not to offer that information readily."

While Stephanie is proof positive that this stigma's message is false, she still felt embarrassed about needing federal assistance. In fact, it was that discomfort that made her all the more determined to change her situation.

After six years of hard work,she graduated with a bachelor's degree in English and started making a living wage writing.

Stephanie and Mia. Photo via Stephanie Land.

She wrote about various aspects of her day-to-day life, like working as a house cleaner and being a single mom living on $6 a day.

"I found a niche that not too many people can write about from a first-person perspective," Stephanie says.

She can  provide a window into a world that's often just speculated over rather than clearly seen. Many people push away the idea of poverty because they want to believe it could never happen to them. Through her insightful writing, though, Stephanie has proven no one is immune.  

"While it’s terrifying to come out and openly admit those things, it was also something people needed to read about," Stephanie says. "Especially from someone who doesn’t fit the stereotypical image of what people connect with someone living in poverty."

When an article Stephanie wrote for Vox about cleaning houses went viral, she got a call from a well-known literary agent the same day asking to sign her. A year later, she was offered a book deal.  

Today, Stephanie lives in her first real house with her two daughters.

"It was quite a moment finally watching my girls play in a backyard," she recalls.

But, she says, she'll never forget those years she lived in poverty.  

Stephanie with her daughters Coraline (left) and Mia (right). Photo via Stephanie Land.

She's written about her experience for a number of publications, including The New York Times and The Washington Post. She's also a regular writer for the Center for Community Change, whose mission is to help improve low-income families' lives. And she's received a number of emails from people who were, or currently are, dealing with the issues she's faced, thanking her for giving them a voice.

As a result, she looks at the world through a different filter — one of compassion for everyone she comes across.

"I try not to make any assumptions about other people’s lives because it’s so easy to suddenly be in that place where you have nowhere to go," Stephanie explains. "And you never know who’s going through something like that."

If you or someone you know is living in poverty or with food insecurity, a good first step for them to take is to call 211 or check out 211.org online. There, you can find information about the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) as well as many other federal assistance programs.

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