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Adult children share how they got over the 'guilt' of putting their parents in nursing homes

"It's just so hard taking the role of parent to your own parent."

nursing home, nursing homes, assisted living, assisted living home, adult children

Image via Canva/Goodboy Picture Company

People share how they overcome guilt of putting their parents in nursing homes.

It's a painful transition to watch your parents grow old and need help being taken care of. For many adult children, the responsibility falls on them to be caretaker. Often, it's an overwhelming decision.

The question about seeking additional help caring for aging parents from nursing homes or assisted living homes can be conflicting. It can also bring lots of guilt.

To help support others going through this difficult transition, a group of adult children with aging parents opened up about how they dealt with the guilt of putting their parents in nursing homes. They shared their personal experiences and how they processed the raw emotions of deciding what was best for their parents.

These are 11 real stories of how people overcame guilt about putting their aging parents in nursing homes.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"Well, my Dad wasn't safe in his home on his own. Wasn't eating well. Threw trash and soiled underwear wherever. Had a biblical rat infestation in his hoarded Y2K food supply. Had said rats chew through his water pump's power supply so he lost running water. Now he's fed well, is taking his meds, is in a clean environment, has transportation to medical appointments, and has people all around him for when he has falls. So all that guilt is miniscule compared to his improved safety. It may not be as dire for your Dad, but it sounds like he'd be safer too. It's rough making the argument for it and following through though. Wish you the best." - Ariwara_no_Narihira

"Totally this^. If they escape you just once, guilt is gone. Where the guilt comes in is if you put them there and forget them. Visit often, have meaningful interactions (if only on your side) try to see the glimpses of their old self, make them smile every single time. Cherish every moment, even knowing they are a fraction of themselves as one day it won’t be an option. Speaking from someone that has been there." - eeekkk9999

"Dealing with this right now with my grandmother. I'm also a caregiver for my disabled mom and brother. My mom and brother have accepted their limitations and help me rather than hinder me. My grandmother on the other hand is in that phase of life where she thinks she is firing on all cylinders but isn't and gets mad when I try to get her to a place that can ensure her safety. What helped me a lot was the notion that she would get mad me no matter what. I'd rather have her mad at me for putting her in a facility designed to care for people like her, than her being mad at me while being a hazard to her own health (while driving me crazy in the process.) You can't avoid the hurt. The anger, the frustration, the sadness....it will happen regardless. So might as well choose what's best. You'd want someone to be brave enough to deal with you in your twilight years as well." - 331845739494

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"As far as the guilt, the situation was beyond what I could do for her. I was so burnt out from being on high alert that a social worker told me flat out something HAD to change or I was likely to be in the hospital or dead within the next four to six weeks. I was severely sleep deprived and my patience was on fumes. Now I can be the caring daughter instead of the inadequate caregiver. We still have our moments, however mom is doing much better where she is in spite of some declines in her health." - DTW_Tumbleweed

"It's hard but so is losing your sanity. You and sis are not trained or medically qualified for this level of care management. I felt guilt putting mom in a home but she absolutely could not be left alone for one hour because she would get so crazy." - Vegetable-Fix-4702

"I agonized over this for years. One day my mother found some of her photos chewed up by mice. We called Orkin, they said 'you should vacate for 2 weeks.' A nearby Assisted Living place was offering a one month "tryout" so I had her try it. She made some friends there, and after 2 weeks the thought of going back to a house she had to clean, was too much. She said it felt like living in her dorm again. But 'temporarily!' Yes, yes, temporarily. After a few years, it was clear she'd have to sell her house (those places are expensive) so I moved her to one close to my house; after that she kind of forgot about her house so I took the liberty ..." - benri

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"My Dad is in a home and he hates it. He yells at Mum and myself every time we visit. Tries to guilt trip us. But it’s the best thing for him. Mum is a short small woman, Dad is/was over six feet and he was struggling getting himself to the bathroom on his walker. Kept falling over and needing to call the ambulance to get back up. I live two hours away. It’s not ideal, but it’s physically the best place for him. He refused to have carers do anything but the basics, Mum never got a break." - ThehillsarealiveRia

"For your own peace of mind, I think a big part of it is semantics. Instead of saying that 'I put my dad in a nursing home,' say 'I moved my dad to a place that can better care for his needs.' The words 'moved' vs 'put' makes a big difference in perspective." - andysandygirl

"Guilt is the nemesis of caregivers. Guilt is our compass that tells us we have done something wrong. Placing your father in a care residence where he can get the help, support and healthcare he needs is not wrong. Yes, it does make you 'feel guilty', as if you have failed him, perhaps? I work with many caregivers who get to this point with a parent. The real struggle is their own emotions. Visit him often, be there a lot initially to help with the adjustment phase. I hear you say that both you and your sister are 'running yourself ragged...' this is not good for your health. His being stubborn is often just needing to hold on to his independence. Showing respect for that and finding a way to sell the cars, the house making it his decision. This is a very hard thing to do. It can wrench at your heart. As long as you don't abandon him, you are doing what is needed for all." - lifelovelegacy

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"I wish we could drop the stigma associated with guilt and the use of assisted living, nursing homes, rehabs, etc. Some of these places are horrible. But that’s the way it is with everything. Some are great. Personally, I felt relief when my dad entered assisted living. He is surrounded by professionals. There are systems in place for the situations he encounters. There are more people watching him and they have more experience than my family does. But, most of all, he has a much better social life because he has friends he sees regularly. Social interaction is key." - inflewants

"You don’t, you just learn to tolerate it. Serve God, yourself, and then others in that order. If you are doing your best, that’s all you can do. Guilt is a reasonable emotion. So is relief. Give yourself grace." - cutekthx

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Underpaid teachers reveal they taught while hungry after mom cries over undecorated classroom

"My 1st year I made 27K and my room was empty."

Photo credit: Canva

Teachers reveal they taught hungry after mom cries over empty classroom

It's August, which means a lot of kids have either started school already or are heading back. The back-to-school month also means an influx of parents voicing their grievances on the internet. Everything from not wanting their children to share school supplies to the teacher's wish list items. What is typically an exciting time for children can be a stressful time for parents and teachers for different reasons.

One disappointed mom took to the internet in tears due to the lack of classroom decor in her child's classroom for "meet the teacher." It could be that this is the mom's first time sending a little one off to school, as to the reason she didn't know that there would likely be more decorating happening before the first day of school. Either way, her tearful reaction to the lack of decorations caused a few teachers to reveal the reality they face.

teacher; teacher pay; low pay; teachers; mom cries; undecorated classroom; back to school Overwhelmed with emotion.Photo credit: Canva

Most teachers, especially those of little ones, want to have their classrooms decked out in all the colorful, age-appropriate decor, but in reality, that costs money. Often, money neither teachers nor the school districts have. This is why public school teachers have wish lists that they pass out before the first day of school; some even create Amazon lists so people outside of their district can help. It's a pretty common understanding that teachers don't make a lot of money, but for some parents, just how little teachers make may be overlooked.

A teacher who goes by Mrs. Frazzled on social media recently reacted to the post of the crying mom. In this case, the teacher lived up to her social media moniker because what followed was more PG-13 than her usual content. Someone who goes by the name Kubi responded to Mrs. Frazzled's rant with an eye-opening reality, "My first year as a teacher I made 27K and my room was empty because I could[n't] afford to buy things for it. and I didn't even get my first check until 30 days in so I taught HUNGRY the first month."

teacher; teacher pay; low pay; teachers; mom cries; undecorated classroom; back to school Stressed at the desk, seeking a moment of calm.Photo credit: Canva

The confession prompted Mrs. Frazzled to commiserate with her own, revealing, "I also taught hungry my first year of teaching. That's part of why this whole thing made me so freaking mad. I'll tell you my story as a first-year teacher because it is not a unique story by any means, clearly."

She goes on to share that student teaching isn't paid and comes at the end of teaching certification, which requires soon-to-be-teachers to teach during the day for free, then attend classes at night. This essentially means there's no feasible way for student teachers to make enough money to cover living expenses unless they forego their sleep. Mrs. Frazzled says that in the spring of her student teaching, she had a major life event that resulted in her looking for a new place to live on virtually no income.

@mrs.frazzled Replying to @Kubi ♬ original sound - frazz

"On the heels of this happening, I'm starting my first year as a teacher. And you do not get paid for the first month that you teach, so nine months, no work. Summer, very minimal work. Then you start school, and you need to have a fully furnished and ready classroom, because if you've seen a government-sponsored classroom, you know it is very barren in there."

The woman reveals that she couldn't afford to live in the area where she taught, so her commute was anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. She also confesses that the only reason she had anything in her classroom was because "parents kinda carried me on my back financially." They purchased the things she needed, including a big, colorful rug that can run well over $500.

teacher; teacher pay; low pay; teachers; mom cries; undecorated classroom; back to school Storytime circle with kids and teachers in the classroom.Photo credit: Canva

"My first month of teaching, I was so stinking poor. I had a mattress on the floor, no refrigerator. I had a couch that I dumpster dove for, and I was driving Postmates after school so that I could get like $12 to buy dinner or whatever. I remember crying because I needed Q-Tips and I couldn't afford Q-Tips. I had to go Postmates for hours to make enough to buy Q-Tips. This is the reality of teaching in the United States," Mrs. Frazzled shares.

It's a reality check that some parents may not be ready to hear when their expectations fall short of the reality teachers are living. Feeling disappointed when something doesn't meet your expectations is understandable, but when it comes to classroom decor and supplies, it takes a village.

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Communications expert shares the 7-word phrase to shoot down anyone being disrespectful

Try this method next time someone says something rude.

via Canva/Photos

A woman can't believe what she just heard.

Getting caught off guard by a rude comment from a coworker, family member, or total stranger can throw you for a loop. You immediately start wondering how you should respond. Should I insult the person right back or play it cool without stooping to their level? Everyone is going to be thrown by a disrespectful comment at some point, so it’s good to have a response in your back pocket for that moment when it comes.

Communications expert Jefferson Fisher provided a great response that we can all use recently on the Mel Robbins Podcast. Fisher is a Texas board-certified personal injury attorney and one of the most respected voices on argumentation and communication in the world. He is also the bestselling author of The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More.

@melrobbins
If you've ever wondered if there's a correct way to respond to disrespect, try out this method from lawyer and communication expert, @Jefferson Fisher. Check out this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, for more communication tips from Jefferson! 🎧 “How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power.” #melrobbins #melrobbinspodcast #communicationtips #dealingwithdisrespect

How to respond to a rude or disrespectful comment

Fisher told Robbins that the first step in responding to the comment is nonverbal. You say nothing. “A lot of silence. So often, if you just wait 10 seconds that you're gonna add distance between what they said and how you're going to respond,” Fisher said. “They're saying this to get something out of you, cause in that moment, they're feeling something, whether it's a fear or an insecurity, whatever it is, you're not going to deliver on that same plane that they are.”

The next step is to let the rude person know that their behavior will not be tolerated in a confident manner.

“So somebody says something disrespectful, you give enough silence to make sure that it's a little awkward, and then you're going to say something to the effect of, ‘That's below my standard for a response.’ All of a sudden, you're now making it clear that what you just said was beneath me. And I don't respond to things that are beneath me in that way.”

disrespect, rude communications, social skills, silence, how to respond, bad comment A woman covering her mouth.via Canva/Photos

Throw it back on them

If you prefer to put someone back on their heels instead of squelching the situation as Fisher recommends, John Bowe, a speech trainer, award-winning journalist, and author of I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in the Age of DisconnectionI Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in the Age of Disconnection, says that you should respond with a question: “Do you really mean that?”

“Say it with outrage or dripping sarcasm, with raised eyebrows or deadpan calm. It doesn’t matter. This phrase is quietly disarming and deceptively powerful,” Bowe writes for CNBC. Bowe says the response does two great things for you. First, it gives them a chance to reconsider their words because most rude comments are said without thinking. “By responding with curiosity instead of defensiveness, you’re holding up a mirror. Often, that’s all it takes for the other person to walk back their offense,” he writes.

After the person is asked if they meant what they said, they can double down on their rude comment, but they are probably more likely to backpedal or apologize.

Unfortunately, it’s a fact of life that, unless you live under a rock, you’ll have to deal with people making rude comments. But the best thing you can do is to prepare yourself to confidently put someone in their place so they’ll think twice about ever being rude to you again.

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communication tips

Woman gives stray cat the most Gen X name ever, and her friend can't stand it

As if?

via Canva/Photos

A woman making a "loser" sign and a shocked cat.

There are no hard-set rules for naming a cat, but if you want to follow the current trends, give them a cute-sounding human name. Over the past two years, the top five most popular cat names have been Luna, followed by Charlie, Lucy, Bella, and Leo.

No matter what type of name it is, it can also be hard to settle on one for a new cat because it’s what you’ll be calling out for the next 12-plus years. What if you name the cat Jerry, but it acts like a Sebastian or a Michael? Then what will you do? Two friends got into a spat over naming a cat, with the new owner rejecting their friend’s suggestions in favor of a term popular among Gen Xers in the ‘80s and ‘90s.

“I found a little stray cat in front of the grocery store. Super friendly but skinny and obviously abandoned,” A Redditor with the username SpecialEggSalad wrote. “My friend was with me and kept throwing out names. I didn’t like any of them. It was Ross, Beck, Tucker, Zorro… I asked her to just chill. She was getting worked up and kept asking if she could have the kitten. [It’s] My kitty. Anyway, after 20 minutes of her, just suggesting endless amounts of names…She got mad and said, ‘Fine, call him whatever you want.’ So now the cat's name is WHATEVER.”

When SpecialEggSlad announced the cat’s name, her friend “turned red in the face and she was about to cry.” It could be that the friend hated the feeling of rejection, but if she grew up in the ‘80s or ‘90s, she’d understand that being on the receiving end of a “whatever” was quite the insult.

What did 'whatever' mean to Gen X?

You see, Gen Xers were known for having an aloof attitude because, in those days, caring too much about anything was totally uncool. So whatever was more than a catchphrase was a way of life. The term became popular in the early ‘80s when Valley Girl speak expanded from Los Angeles to the world. But what began as innocuous slang evolved into something more nihilistic. In Nirvana’s breakout 1991 anthem, Smells Like Teen Spirit, where Kurt Cobain ditches any attempt at making a point in the song by singing, “Oh well, whatever, never mind.” Whatever was a way of distancing yourself from the powers-that-be, whether it was political, religious, corporate, or the media.

The term was also part of ‘90s hand-gesture culture, where people would call someone a loser by making an L with their index and middle fingers and placing it on their forehead. In Clueless, the affluent teens used two hands to merge the double Ls into a W, to signal “whatever,” with a double loser casher. Business Insider’s Emily Stewart notes that Gen X’s attitude comes from being raised as the least parented generation in recent memory. “Gen X's ‘whatever’ attitude has translated to a society that's perpetually a little ‘whatever’ about them,” she wrote.

It may be a knock on Gen Xers that they were once so nihilistic that they rallied around the term whatever, but it’s also a sign of knowing what’s important. A lot is going on in the world, and we only have so many Fs to give; it’s best to hand them out to the people who deserve them. Because when you care about everything, it’s hard to truly care about anything.

In the Reddit post, SpecialEggSlad faced criticism from commenters for naming her cat Whatever, which made it look like she didn’t care about the animal. Realizing this, she changed the cat’s name to Peekaboo. Let’s just hope the kitty grows into its name and isn’t a cat that refuses to hide, even if given an incredibly cozy cardboard box.

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Education & Information

'Anchors aweigh' vs. 'anchor's away' and 9 other idioms most of us get completely wrong

Wait, it's "toe the line," not "tow the line"?

Photo credit: Canva

So many idioms are different than people think.

Before diving into this article, please be warned that it might rock your world in an "everything I thought I knew was a lie" kind of way. Being humbled by the dictionary can be a little disconcerting, especially when you're someone who was sure they had a solid grasp of the English language...but it's okay. We'll get through this together.

In fact, let me preemptively ease any blow to your ego. I'm both a former English teacher and a professional writer. I know my way around grammar and spelling and figures of speech. If anyone should know idioms, it's me, but alas, I recently discovered that some common phrases aren't what I thought they were. So if you find yourself in the same boat as we go through this list, you're in good company.

It all started one day when Merriam-Webster woke up and chose violence on X, blowing people's minds by casually correcting several idioms most of us get wrong. Rude? Yes. Informative? Also yes.

— (@)

But there are even more where those came from. Here are 10 idioms most of us get wrong along with their correct versions and how they came to be in the first place:

"Anchor's away!" is actually "Anchors aweigh."

For my entire life on this planet, I have 100% assumed it was the former. Makes sense, right? You take the anchor away and the boat can move. But nope, the correct term, "aweigh," comes from the nautical term "weighing anchor," which means taking up the anchor so a ship can launch. Those of us who aren't sailors may not be aware that "weigh" even has that definition, but it does: "to heave up (an anchor) preparatory to sailing."

anchor, anchor's away, anchors aweigh, nautical terms, idioms Anchors aweigh! Photo credit: Canva

"Another thing coming" is actually "another think coming."

"If he thinks he's going to be able to swindle me like that, he's got another thing coming." Technically, no he doesn't. He's got another think coming. However, Merriam-Webster gives us a mulligan on this one, despite "think" coming first from our British friends. So many Americans have started saying "thing," the dictionary gods now accept both as okay.

"Bury the lead" is actually "bury the lede."

If you take a while to get to the important point of a story, you might be accused of burying the lede. The word "lead" may seem to make perfect sense here, because it's the lead part of the story that you're burying. But "lede" is the word for an introductory paragraph in an article. What makes this one extra confusing, however, is that "lede" is actually a deliberate misspelling of "lead," to differentiate the lead paragraph from the "lead" strip of metal that used to separate lines of type. So lede still means lead, but it's spelled lede. Just go with it.

case in point, case and point, idioms, big bang theory, English Case in point, not case and point. Giphy

"Case and point" is actually "case in point."

It's understandable that someone might think this one is "case and point," like you've made your case and your point at the same time with a perfect example. But it's really "case in point." The phrase "in point" comes from Old English and means "pertinent" or "appropriate." So by citing a pertinent example, you are providing a case that is relevant.

"Eek out" is actually "eke out."

This one hurts me personally. I desperately want it to be "eek," like I imagine air "eeking" out of a balloon when you pull the opening tightly—slowly and with great effort. But nope. Eke it is, meaning "to get with great difficulty." Fine, whatever.

horse, reins, horseback riding, free rein, idioms I've been through the desert on a horse with free rein.Photo credit: Canva

"Free reign" is actually "free rein."

If you've always imagined this phrase as referring to a powerful reigning ruler who does whatever they want, you're not alone. You're also not correct. "Free rein" goes way back to the days of ubiquitous horsemanship and refers to letting the reins go so the horse can go where it pleases.

"Phased/Unphased" is actually "fazed/unfazed."

I find this one to be kind of fun, actually. We don't have enough words that use "z" in them, and this homonym feels like you're breaking two different spelling rules at the same time, even though you're not. "Despite discovering she'd spelling idioms wrong all her life, she was unfazed by this article." See? So fun.

shoo, shoo-in, shoe-in, idioms, English Buzz Off Get Away GIF Giphy

"Shoe-in" is actually "shoo-in."

Honestly, some of these idioms are ones we may have never seen written and just assumed they were spelled a certain way. "He was a shoo-in for the position." Not a shoe-in. Shoo-in also has some horsey origins, referring originally to cheating in a horse race. Now it just means to be certain of success.

"Slight of hand" is actually "sleight of hand."

Yeah, this is another one that gets people. It feels right to write "slight," as in the slight movements of the hand that enable someone to trick us. But no, it's "sleight" (still pronounced the same), which means "deceitful craftiness" or "dexterity/skill." Makes sense.

toe the line, race, running, starting line, idioms "Toe the line" literally means put your toe on the line.Photo credit: Canva

"Tow the line" is actually "Toe the line."

This one admittedly got me. I always picture people towing a boat by a rope, all lined up and working in unison toward the same goal. But that's not it at all. It's "toe the line," meaning to line up with your toes along the line at the start of a race.

There, don't we all feel a little smarter now? What's better is there's even a term for these incorrect terms: eggcorn. An eggcorn is "a word or phrase that results from a mishearing or misinterpretation of another." Apparently, a woman heard "acorn" and spelled it "eggcorn," and a whole new term was born. Isn't language fun?

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Who is the 'patron saint' of Gen X? The debate is illuminating and downright hilarious.

You can't ask a Gen X-er a question like this and expect a serious answer.

Winona Ryder smokes a cigarette

Every generation has its ultimate hero. Or does it? Perhaps for the Silent Generation, it's Jimmy Stewart. The Boomers? Clint Eastwood. Or any of the Easy Rider gang, like, say, Jack Nicholson. But in a recent post on Threads, someone posed the divisive question to Gen X-ers and many of them weren't having it.

The statement/question read: "If Hannah from Girls is the patron saint of millennials (which she is, don't argue), who does Gen X have? Is it Kurt Cobain?"

Lena Dunham, Girls, HBO, millennial Lena Dunham as Hannah GIF by Girls Giphy HBO

For anyone confused by this question, Hannah from Girls is a character created and portrayed by Lena Dunham, who is having a comeback moment with her new show Too Much.

There are nearly 700 responses in less than a week. But before we get into the X-ers’ candid thoughts, a few millennials were outraged by the "saint" applied to them. One writes in typical millennial fashion, "Life is hard enough. Please don't do this to us millennials. We've survived too much for that." Another: "Hannah from Girls? What in the Veronica Mars are you on about?" Another wisely pushes back: "Surely the patron saint of millennials is Taylor Swift?"

Now let's move on to those who attempt to answer the question. "I'm too old to know what this means, but the answer is Janeane Garofalo."

janeane garofalo, reality bites, gen x, generation x, humor A scene from the film Reality Bites. Giphy Universal Pictures

Many merely posted photos or memes of their response, including Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder, Madonna, and of course, the MTV cartoon Daria.

But the thing that stands out most about my beloved X generation is that most of us are simply not going to take this question seriously. Here are a few: "I claim McGruff the Crime Dog as my patron saint. Let's take a bite out of crime."

Another dives into the Spielberg catalogue: "Now that I think about it: the patron saint of Gen X is…Elliott from ET. Not the actor, but the character. If you're peak Gen X, then you were a little kid when that movie was released and Elliott was f-ing GOD." (A hilarious response to that was: "I'm Gen X and do not care for that movie. If you swap Elliott with Carol Anne from Poltergeist, now we're talking.")

poltergeist, gen x, generation x, spielberg, movies Carol Anne gets in touch with ghosts in the movie Poltergeist. Giphy Tobe Hooper GIF

One person got very serious: "Gen X has no patron saint. We had no one but ourselves and our friends who also had nobody, and that's why we are the way we are. Stop trying to fit us into your worldview and leave us alone like our parents did. We're fine being invisible."

That got real fast, and it was also quite the popular answer. One Threader responded, "One half of my brain fully supports this answer. The other half is doing 8,876 other things so it can't fully get on board with anything."

Another adds, in part: "If I were a millennial, I'd be infuriated by this post. Anyway, Gen X doesn't have a patron saint. We were all into different things, depending on who we were. Some preferred Trent Reznor. Some preferred Kurt Cobain. Some preferred Robert Smith. Gen X wasn't a monolith, and many of us hated the things others loved while others loved the things we hated."

Kurt Cobain, Nirvana, Gen X, Generation X, musician Kurt Cobain, the patron saint of Gen X. Giphy

And lastly (finally), the correct answer is shared: "Whatever, never mind." So very Gen X.

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