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Radio personality gets emotional while reading open letter to men by his female co-host

“To the good men out there, do something more.”

Photo credit: Canva

Radio host tears up reading open letter to men by female co-host

All across the globe, men and women have different experiences from childhood through adulthood. We are socialized differently which causes us to walk through the world differently. Since much of the world is still patriarchal, women's lived experiences are vastly different than men's. These different experiences can make it feel nearly impossible to understand what it feels like to move through the world as the opposite gender.

In Australia there has been an increase in violence against women. This prompted a popular radio show host, Carrie, from the "Carrie and Tommy Show" to write an open letter to men in Australia. But instead of reading it herself, she asked her co-host, Tommy to read her words.

"I wondered whether it's time for you guys to stand up and speak up and speak loudly. And I think sometimes men don't think about what it's like to walk in the shoes of a woman. So I'm thinking if you read out the thoughts that I wrote down. I don't know if it might mean more people will listen or if it might give a different perspective of what it feels like to be a woman in this country at the moment," Carrie says to her co-host.

Tommy immediately obliges Carrie's request and begins to read the letter. The co-host doesn't make it too far into the letter before beginning to look visibly uncomfortable and before long he's choking back tears.

"Not only do we have to sleep in fear of what possible man outside, or the man inside, or the taxi driver, the Uber driver, a former partner, a current partner, a man we've never met, we now have to be the ones to fix the issue too. No not all men are monsters but we live in fear of the ones who are. We change our behaviors for the bad men not the good ones because the risk is too high for us not to," Tommy reads while attempting to hold back emotions.

The open letter is raw and full of struggles women face on a daily basis. Hearing it read by a man made some commenters feel appreciative of the way the two co-hosts used their platform to spread the message as well as being thankful that Tommy agree to read the letter.



"Thank you for using your platform to raise awareness of the severity of this issue," someone writes.

"Extremely powerful.. I wish I had been more vocal… I wish I had left sooner, I wish I had him reported.… I wish a lot of things. I was scared, but I am alive.. and I will always protect and teach my daughters moving forward. Thank you for putting such a powerful message out there," another person shares.

Turns out this moment was an amazing teaching moment for parents of boys, "my 14 year old son was in silence and almost in tears listening to your words. We had a fabulous conversation afterwards. Teaching our boys now, is such an important part."

One woman is joining the chorus of asking the good men to help women advocate, "Carrie hit the nail on the head. I love the idea of having men we trust speaking for us to help us advocate even further. Us women worry every single day, multiple times during the day for our safety, without even realizing we’re doing it. Lock the car as soon as you get in it. Always making sure you’re not being followed. So so so many things we do for our safety that most men don’t even think about, ever. This video is so important."

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Wellness

Women are sharing the mental checklists they run through to navigate the world. It's a lot.

Canva, Harriet Johnson/Twitter

One day a few years ago I asked my husband what he thinks about when he goes running. "Depends," he said. "I might think about work or what I'm going to do that day or just sort of empty my mind, like a meditation."

"Do you ever think about getting raped on the running trail?" I asked. "Does it ever cross your mind?" It wasn't a confrontational question, but a curious one.

He looked surprised for a second, then shook his head. "No. Never," he said.

We sat in silence for a second as the obvious sunk in. When I run alone, I do think about that possibility. I think about it every time. I know every part of the trail that's obscured from public view, the parts where I run a little faster, where my spatial awareness is heightened. When a man runs behind me or towards me, my radar goes up. It happens automatically. I don't assume anyone is a rapist, of course, but I'm always mentally prepared for the possibility. After a million stories and a lifetime living in a woman's body, my instinct to prepare for the worst is as natural as breathing.

My husband experiences almost none of this. The possibility of being attacked and/or raped exists for him, but the risk and the fear is nowhere near the same as it is for me. He can enjoy a solo run, or walk down the street, or leave a building alone without being on guard constantly, whereas the times that I'm able to truly free my mind when I'm moving through the world by myself are few and far between.

The recent disappearance of a woman in the U.K. has prompted women to share the mental safety checklists they go through as they go about daily life, and seeing it all laid out in writing is eye-opening. Some of these things we consciously think about, and some of simply becomes second nature by adulthood. But I don't know any woman for whom this list doesn't resonate.


We know that not all men are going to attack us, so there's no need to #notallmen here. The thing is, we don't know who might. We don't know whether the guy walking behind us in the parking lot is a super sweet guy just heading to his car or a predator looking for an opportunity. We don't even know for sure which men we know might turn out to be a rapist. Most sexual assault is perpetrated by people known to the victim, and we all know women who have been violated by someone they thought they could trust. So not only do we deal with wondering whether a guy on the street is a stroller or a stalker, but we also have to be on alert with the guys we're hanging out with.

Hypervigilance is the norm for most women and it's exhausting, even for those of us who haven't been sexually assaulted. I'm extremely fortunate to have been surrounded by wonderful, quality men throughout most of my life, and I'm thankful for that. But I have known plenty of creeps as well, and if you were to ask me how many women I know who have been raped, the faces of my friends come flooding in fast.

If you're a man reading this and feeling defensive, please don't. We know it's not all men. If you're a man reading this and wondering what you can do to help, thank you for asking. Here are some things you can do to help women feel safer:

- If you're walking behind a woman, crossing the street is one way to let her know you're not purposefully following her

- If you're walking toward a woman, moving over to the opposite side of the walkway and giving her a wide berth is helpful

- As silly as it might sound, a verbal acknowledgment of your awareness of the situation can be helpful. I've had men say something like, "Just want to let you know I'm walking here behind you, but I promise I'm not following you or anything creepy!" and found it comforting.

- If a woman friend asks you to escort her somewhere, don't make her feel like she's being silly. Also, don't assume she's hitting on you.

- If you see a woman who appears to be uncomfortable with a man in a public place, you can give her a potential "out" by calling to her like you know her. Something like, "Katie! Is that you?" can be enough to let her (and the potentially problematic guy) know that you've got your eye on the situation.

- If you're out in public and a woman comes up and acts like you're a friend of hers, play along. Sometimes women will do this to get away from a creepy guy.

- Speak up when other men make sexist or inappropriate comments about women. Don't go along with the culture that allows women to be seen primarily as sexualized objects.

Let's work on making a world where women don't have to constantly be on high alert, where we are all free to go out for a walk or a run having our thoughts regularly disrupted by concerns for our safety.

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Wellness

What should you do if a random girl suddenly approaches and acts like she knows you? Play along.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Most women, at one point or another, have felt some wariness or fear over a strange man in public. Sometimes it's overt, sometimes it's subtle, but when your instincts tell you something isn't right and you're potentially in danger, you listen.

It's an unfortunate reality, but reality nonetheless.

A Twitter thread starting with some advice on helping women out is highlighting how real this is for many of us. User @mxrixm_nk wrote: "If a girl suddenly acts as if she knows you in public and acts like you're friends, go along w[ith] it. She could be in danger."

Other women chimed in with their own personal stories of either being the girl approaching a stranger or being the stranger approached by a girl to fend off a situation with a creepy dude.

One wrote, "A girl did this FOR me one time when I was sitting alone at a bar because she could tell I was in a very uncomfortable situation and I'll never forget her. It was bold of her to do that for a stranger but she literally saved me from some creep ass guy."

Another added, "I had a waitress do this for me once when an ex was yelling at me. She didn't leave me out of her sight and when he went to the bathroom she asked if I was ok and if I had roommates or if I was going to be alone with him after. An actual angel."

Another shared how a woman joined her and her husband as if they were old friends until her friends arrived.

"A woman walked up to my husband and I saying 'I haven't seen you guys in so long!!' then hugged us. We were ???, but went w/ it. She then pointed out a group of guys that followed her in, and the one that wouldn't leave her alone. He kept getting drinks right near us. Which was odd because we were in the corner out of the way. She hung out w/ us until her other friends got there. Once we realized what had actually happened we were a little shocked."

User "AmberLUVV" shared a story of being in a Dominican Republic port on a cruise when two girls pretended to belong to her family.

"When I went on a cruise with the fam, we ported in DR for a day. My dad and I decided to go the local shopping market. We had took a break on a bench cuz it was HOT! But all of sudden two girls walk up to us and addressed my dad as their own, and proceeded to say that they had And scared! We played it out for a minute longer until they told us what happened! Some men in a van were following them promising to take them to the beach and wouldn't leave them alone! They pointed out one of the guys and I had seen him turn away when they addressed my dad!"

"Raeloe" shared how a girl approached her at a nightclub to get away from a creepy guy when she'd been separated from her friends.

"I had this happen in a nightclub once. My hubby and I were working PAX and this club let's [sic] the enforcers in for free with their badges, I've never been before so he said c'mon let's go. Bout 2 hours in this girl comes up and dances with me and asks if it's okay to stay awhile. She lost her friends and this dude was creeping on her. I told her to take all the time she needs to find her friends. She came back with them later and gave me a big hug for making her feel safe. Would do it again without hesitation."

Another person shared how they'd been the one who needed help.

"Been the person who needed this. Creepy dude wouldn't leave me tf alone, so I walked over to a group of girls and acted very excited to see them again. They immediately caught on and we started talking about whatever. For over an hour. Bcuz he wouldn't leave. They ended up giving me a ride around town bcuz the creeper was following. Made some friends and we made him run a red light, which had a cop chasing him. They got me home and we hung out regularly after that."

And another explained how grateful she was to a woman on the bus who let her act like they were best friends.

One person even shared a video showing exactly what such a scenario looks like in real life.

Some people responded with various "what if" scenarios, like what if a woman is really trying to lure them into a dangerous situation, or what if they want them to accompany them somewhere that might not be safe? But those questions seemed to miss the point that no one was suggesting anyone go anywhere private with anyone, and also seemed to miss how often women actually do find themselves in situations where they need to turn to a stranger for help.

As one woman wrote, "All the people fighting this saying it'll be a setup are underestimating how often women actually do this to get away from creepy men. I've had to do this at a bar and I've also gone up to a women I saw distressed and pretended to be her friend and she played along. It happens.

I've yelled back. I've thrown drinks in guys faces. I've pushed them away from myself and others. I've reached out for help and asked other guys or security to step in. Sometimes the path of least resistance for a good night is to blend in real quick."

And others pointed out that women don't generally approach men for help unless they feel like they really need to—usually because they end up in situations where men don't respond to the word "no."

Finally, someone suggested a tip for using your phone to ask a girl if she's in danger while pretending to show her a picture, so you both can be clear on what's really happening.

But the bottom line is, if a girl or woman walks up to you and pretends to know you, more often than not it's because she's trying to get away from someone. Play along and accompany her until she's safe. Guaranteed she'll be eternally grateful.

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Family

A porn scene or a #MeToo story? These guys' answers say a lot.

Warning: This article discusses sexual assault and rape culture.

In a new video project, several men read aloud stories about sexual encounters. Then they answer a question: Is this a summary of a porn scene or a personal story about sexual assault?

In the video above — a clip from "Be Frank," a short film by Damayanti Dipayana and Camilla Borel-Rinkes — the men's answers varied. A lot.

"That is sexual assault," one participant says confidently after reading one encounter.

"Porn?" another man guessed, unsure. "I think that's a porn situation? That seems like a guy's fantasy."

Moments later, a different story made the same man cringe: "That may be a #MeToo story. That's kind of fucked up."

You begin to notice a theme: The men feel as though many encounters fall into a gray area, making them unsure.

[rebelmouse-image 19533259 dam="1" original_size="500x244" caption="GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube." expand=1]GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube.

The encounters could describe a real sexual assault or a porn scene, the participants noticed.

As it turned out, however, every encounter was describing a porn scene.

[rebelmouse-image 19533260 dam="1" original_size="500x249" caption="GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube." expand=1]GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube.

The intent of the video wasn't to shame porn or the people who consume it, but to highlight two critical points:

1. The vast majority of porn features physical aggression toward women.

One study, the video noted, found 88.2% of pornographic scenes feature aggressive behaviors, like gagging or slapping. Those on the receiving end of the aggression were overwhelmingly women.

2. Most boys first learn about sex by viewing porn.

Porn, of course, is not the best medium for sex education. It doesn't teach critical lessons young people should learn about sex — notably, the importance of consent.

So while models in pornography may have consented before filming a scene, this fact may get lost on boys who don't understand why that matters. Because of the glaring lack of comprehensive sex-ed programs in U.S. schools, where consent would be taught, porn plays a major role in shaping how kids understand sex as they become sexually active.

Porn can be a tricky subject.

Depending on who you ask, viewing porn can be a healthy part of an adult's life or it can contribute to a culture that objectifies women and perpetuates violence against them. (Maybe, depending on the type of porn and how it's consumed, there's truth in both arguments?)

Regardless of the larger effects viewing porn may have on our culture and society, porn certainly should not be a replacement for sex-ed.  

[rebelmouse-image 19533261 dam="1" original_size="500x241" caption="GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube." expand=1]GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube.

So, how can men start changing rape culture right now?

"I think by engaging in more conversation. It doesn't seem like a big step, but it is a first step," one man answers in the full version of "Be Frank."

"I think that men need to stand up and intervene [when they see sexual assault or harassment]," another responds.

"I would say, just be better — especially me," a participant concluded. "I'm a tall, white male, straight. Everything in the world is so easy for us. Why can't you just be nice and be respectful of women, of people of different colors, different sexual orientations?"

You can watch the full "Be Frank" video below:

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