What if middle-aged women are just discovering their superpowers?
The social media era has had its pitfalls, but some positives have come from it as well. One benefit of people publicly sharing their lives is that it's opened up conversations about things we didn't openly talk about before. If you have a physical or mental health issue, you can now easily find a community of people with shared experiences instead of feeling alone or isolated in your struggles.
Perimenopause has become a big topic of discussion online, and it's making so many middle-aged women feel less alone in the wild ride that it is. The years preceding menopause are rife with dozens of potential symptoms that suddenly come out of nowhere and stay for an undetermined amount of time. Not just hot flashes, which everyone knows about, but random things like itching all over, joint pain, brain fog, frozen shoulder, sleep disturbances, slowed metabolism, irritability, anxiety, and more. The hormonal shift is powerful and impacts everything.
It's hard for women who are going through "the change" to explain it. But unexpectedly, there's a man who's given an incredibly empowering description of perimenopause in a video captioned "YOUR MIDLIFE WIFE IS WONDER-WOMAN" that's gone viral for just the right reasons.
"So your partner, she's going through her midlife 'reset,'" Michael Hunter (@uspiral.life) begins, speaking to partners of women in this stage. "The hot flash years, and you think she's being a little moody, snapping more than usual, forgetful, foggy, fried. Congratulations, because you're not witnessing her fall apart. You're witnessing her upgrade."
And every middle-aged woman's ears just perked up.
"Welcome to the divine demolition phase of her existence," he continued. "'Cause everything that doesn't serve her? Her hormones are throwing that in the fire. Compliance? Burned. People pleasing? Torched. Tolerance for your nonsense? Ashes. She's not becoming unstable. She's becoming unavailable for the roles, the rules, and the rhythms that were never designed for her power."
PREACH, SIR. (I mean, please continue, by all means.)
"So check it," he goes on, "her estrogen is dropping, which means her capacity to sacrifice herself is silently plummeting, too. And the hormones that once kept her agreeable? They're packing their bags. She's no longer chemically encouraged to make you feel safe at her own expense. And you're calling that a problem? It's a wake-up call.
"Her nervous system is recalibrating. Her brain is rewiring. And her body is asking better questions, like, 'Why am I carrying this marriage?' 'Why do I say yes when I mean hell no?' and 'Why is everyone around me so damn loud and needy?'"
Seriously, who is this guy?
"She's not being hormonal," he says, "She's being clairvoyant. She's finally seeing through the performance, the politics, and the pressure. She's deleting what no longer aligns, and she's upgrading to a new operating system: Truth 3.0 with zero buffer time for B.S.
"This is your opportunity to rise along with her, man. This is your opportunity to grow. So next time you catch her looking like might spontaneously combust, don't flinch. Witness her. Because if you can survive the fire, you might just get to meet the woman who she was always meant to be."
Ordinarily, a man explaining perimenopause would have us all rolling our eyes and tossing around the word "mansplain," but Hunter received the social media equivalent of standing ovation in the comments from women who finally felt seen in his words:
"Omg who are you and where have you been all our lives?!? Thank you on behalf of all of us…can you come speak to my kids next??😂🔥🙌"
"Who are you? 😂 we like you (a lot) and nominate you our midlife spokesperson!!! ❤️🙌"
"The first time I have truly loved a man explaining something that happens to a woman. GO : Ladies send to your husbands and get those husbands to send it to all their friends. 🙌🙌"
"You just became the sexiest man ALIVE! Knowledge applied correctly….sexy!😍💯👏❤️"
"Your words made me tear up, so powerful thank you 🙌"
Standing ovation for Michael Hunter Giphy GIF by Film Independent Spirit Awards
"Thanks for making us feel normal instead of washed up goods. I find it hilarious learning that menopause is why I can no longer tolerate ANY amount of BS😂 it’s been like a light switch. I feel like I just woke up one day & decided I was done with so much crap that I’ve tolerated in the past…I appreciate the positive spin he puts on this! Blessings my fellow menopause-ers!!"
"That has to be the best and most kind description of menopause I've ever heard. Fantastic. 😍"
"You couldn’t have said it better. It’s nice to hear a man have this perspective."
Someone even nominated Hunter to be an honorary member of the We Do Not Care Club. (Explained here, if you don't know.)
In all seriousness, though, the way he describes what's happening at this stage of life is spot on and such a refreshingly different way of perceiving it than we glean from society. And the fact that it's coming from a man is a strange kind of relief—like we don't have to try to explain ourselves because someone outside of it gets it.
Rock on, Michael Hunter. Thanks for the morale boost and for the education of our loved ones.
Look, let's just get it out there: It's uncomfortable any time you have to get fully or partially naked for a medical exam or cosmetic procedure. Right? It's natural and part of the process, but while you know that the person on the other end is a professional who's just there to do their job, they're also a human being. Getting naked in front of them in any other context would be extremely weird, and it's hard to completely shut that part of your brain off no matter the setting.
It's amazing how body dysmorphia really knows no bounds. We tend to think of insecurities as focusing on things like the flatness of our stomachs or the size of our noses. But perhaps the thing that people are most self-conscious about is the thing we actually talk about the least.
According to one study, about 30% of men are "dissatisfied" with the size, shape, or appearance of their penis. That number is even higher when it comes to how women feel about their vaginas. A survey done by Refinery29 showed that almost half of women had "concerns" about the appearance of their vulva.
The numbers say anywhere from a third to a half or more of all people think there's something wrong with the way our private parts look. Which begs the question: If we all think we're weird, is anybody really weird at all?
A fascinating Reddit thread recently polled experts on this very topic—people who tend to see an awful lot of genitals in their line of work: Waxing technicians or estheticians. The responses were oddly inspiring.
Steve Carrell gets waxed in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" Giphy
The prompt asked, "Waxers, how often are you surprised by how a clients genitals look?"
Professional waxers chimed in with their stories and observations. As did doctors, nurses, pelvic floor therapists, urologists, and lots of other pros who work closely with people's unmentionables.
Here are a few of the best responses:
Doctors and cosmetic professionals have literally seen it all. Laura Woolf/Flickr
"Gonna chime in as a doctor - and I would imagine it’s the same for professional waxers. WE. DONT. CARE. And in my case I would be surprised if you’d show me something I’ve never seen before." - feelgoodx
"I use to be very self conscious and insecure about my genitals. I honestly thought I had a weird vagina. But working in this industry has taught me that every one is a snowflake. I’ve seen it all and nothing surprises me. Just clean yourself before coming in." - Wild-Clementine
Not a waxer but I am a labor and delivery nurse. I see a vulva every single day I work, often multiple, and frequently about 3 feet from my face with a spotlight on it lol. Not much surprises me. Most are out of my memory by the time they're clothed or covered up. When it comes to genitals you want to be unremarkable." - tlotd
"Very, very rarely. Shaved, not shaved, lots o’ labia, no labia, etc—it’s all the same to me. I’m just here to work." - Important-Tackle
"never. i have seen it all. scars, hyperpigmentation, unevenness; none of it surprises me. just please wash yourself before coming to me." - pastelmorning
"Nothing surprises me, I'm mostly just focusing on the hair, but i do have a client who has a tuft of hair on the underside of his shaft near the tip of his penis we call his downstairs soul patch." - noorisms
Two big takeaways:
First, outside of obvious mutilations or pathologies, nothing stands out to people who are extremely knowledgeable about genitals. Differences in size, shape, and structure are totally normal and barely even register on the radar!
Second, no matter what you look like down there, good hygiene is always appreciated. A solid tip that extends far beyond the borders of the esthetician's office!
Being embarrassed, self-conscious, or even ashamed of the way your parts look doesn't seem like a big deal, but it can be.
Embarrassment about the nether regions is normal, but it can be harmful if not checked. Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
It's bizarre and tragic that unrealistic beauty standards actually effect the way we perceive our own nether regions. Pornography, media, and inconsiderate past partners all play a role in people developing anxiety about the way their genitals look.
Both men and women can have their sex lives negatively impacted by bad self-image and anxiety over the way they look naked. When the shame is really bad, it can hold them back in relationships, or even stop them from seeking them in the first place.
This shame or embarrassment also unfortunately extends into the medical arena, as well.
Fear of being judged or humiliated can stop women in particular from not just going in for a wax, but from going to the gynecologist, getting breast exams, or asking potentially-embarrassing but critical and life-saving health questions. For their part, men are prone to skipping prostate exams, testicular exams, or conversations about potentially embarrassing topics like erectile dysfunction or bladder problems. None of these things are fun or comfortable, but they're critical for our health!
Experts say sharing your vulnerability with your doctor or cosmetic professional can help. Letting them know you're nervous or embarrassment can signal them to offer you comfort measures. It also helps to be really direct and detailed with what you want or what you want to discuss.
According to Cedars Sinai, "Does sex hurt? Tell your doctor exactly where you feel the pain. Notice that your poop stinks? Try to describe the odor in detail." If you're too embarrassed to talk about it, try writing it down. At some point though, you'll have to get the exam. Just get through it, it gets easier once you build a relationship with your doctor (or waxer!) over time.
If you've ever been a little self-conscious, take it from the experts, from the people who have seen hundreds if not thousands of genitals up close and personal, in the most unflattering lighting and from the worst angles possible: You're totally normal!
This article was originally published last year. It has been updated.
woman lying in a hospital bed looking out the window
It's hard to explain the relentless intensity of having young children if you haven't done it. It's wonderful, beautiful, magical and all of that—it truly is—but it's a lot. Like, a lot. It's a bit like running an ultramarathon through the most beautiful landscape you can imagine. There's no question that it's amazing, but it's really, really hard. And sometimes there are storms or big hills or obstacles or twisted ankles or some other thing that makes it even more challenging for a while.
Unfortunately, a lot of moms feel like they're running that marathon alone. Some actually are. Some have partners who don't pull their weight. But even with an equal partner, the early years tend to be mom-heavy, and it takes a toll. In fact, that toll is so great that it's not unusual for moms to fantasize about being hospitalized—not with anything serious, just something that requires a short stay—simply to get a genuine break.
An exhausted mom looks at her laptop while kids play in the backgroundImage via Canva
In a thread on X (formerly Twitter), a mom named Emily shared this truth: "[I don't know] if the lack of community care in our culture is more evident than when moms casually say they daydream about being hospitalized for something only moderately serious so that they are forced to not have any responsibilities for like 3 days."
In a follow-up tweet, she added, "And other moms are like 'yeah totally' while childfree Gen Z girls’ mouths hang open in horror."
— (@)
Other moms corroborated, not only with the fantasy but the reality of getting a hospital break:
"And can confirm: I have the fondest memories of my appendicitis that almost burst 3 weeks after my third was born bc I emergency had to go get it taken out and I mean I let my neighbor take my toddlers and I let my husband give the baby formula, and I slept until I was actually rested. Under the knife, but still. It was really nice," wrote one mom.
"I got mastitis when my first was 4 months old. I had to have surgery, but my hospital room had a nice view, my mom came to see me, the baby was with me but other people mostly took care of her, bliss," shared another.
An exhausted mom holds her newborn babyImage via Canva
Some people tried to blame lackadaisical husbands and fathers for moms feeling overwhelmed, but as Emily pointed out, it's not always enough to have a supportive spouse. That's why she pointed to "lack of community care" in her original post.
— (@)
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to raise a mother. Without the proverbial village, we end up bearing too much of the weight of childrearing ourselves. We're not just running the ultramarathon—we're also carrying the water, bandaging the blisters, moving fallen trees out of the way, washing the sweat out of our clothes—and we're doing it all without any rest.
Why don't moms just take a vacation instead of daydreaming about hospitalization? It's not that simple. Many people don't have the means for a getaway, but even if they do, there's a certain level of "mom guilt" that comes with purposefully leaving your young children. Vacations usually require planning and decision-making as well, and decision fatigue is one of the most exhausting parts of parenting.
Strange as it may seem, the reason hospitalization is attractive is that it's forced—if you're in the hospital, you have to be there, so there's no guilt about choosing to leave. It involves no decision-making—someone else is calling the all shots. You literally have no responsibilities in the hospital except resting—no one needs anything from you. And unlike when you're on vacation, most people who are caring for your kids when you're in the hospital aren't going to constantly contact you to ask you questions. They'll leave you to let you rest.
Paula Fitzgibbons shares that had three kids under the age of 3 in 11 months (two by adoption and one by birth). Her husband, despite being very involved and supportive, had a 1.5 hour commute for work, so the lion's share of childcare—"delightful utter chaos" as she refers to it—fell on her shoulders. At one point, she ended up in the ER with atrial fibrillation, and due to family medical history was kept in the hospital for a few days for tests and monitoring.
"When people came to visit me or called to see how I was, I responded that I was enjoying my time at 'the spa,' and though I missed my family, I was soaking it all in," she tells Upworthy. "My husband understood. Other mothers understood. The medical staff did not know what to make of my cheerful demeanor, but there I was, lying in bed reading and sleeping for four straight days with zero guilt. What a gift for a new mom."
A mom relaxing in a chairImage via Canva
When you have young children, your concept of what's relaxing shifts. I recall almost falling asleep during one of my first dental cleanings after having kids. That chair was so comfy and no one needed anything from me—I didn't even care what they were doing to my teeth. It felt like heaven to lie down and rest without any demands being made of me other than "Open a little wider, please."
Obviously, being hospitalized isn't ideal for a whole host of reasons, but the desire is real. There aren't a lot of simple solutions to the issue of moms needing a real break—not just an hour or two, but a few days—but maybe if society were structured in such a way that we had smaller, more frequent respites and spread the work of parenting across the community, we wouldn't feel as much of a desire to be hospitalized simply to be able to be able to rejuvenate.
Ashley Judd doesn't care if you like the clubs she belongs to.
Actor Ashley Judd has perimenopausal and post-menopausal women everywhere cheering after she posted a video of herself frolicking in the ocean with the caption "WE DON'T CARE CLUB: BALTIC SEA EDITION." As she plays around in the water, she narrates what she's doing and what being part of the We Don't Care Club means.
"Hi, I'm Ashley and I'm a member of the We Don't Care Club," she begins, "and when I'm in my swimsuit, sometimes I get a little chafing, like right down there, so I put on cornstarch—good trick if you don't know that already—and then there's like a white thing, and if you see it, I don't care."
She then picks up a small jellyfish—the non-stinging kind, she says—and explains that she thinks the stuff in the middle of it is its central nervous system.
"That might not be right, and I don't care," she says, "cause there's another club that my inner child belongs to called the MSU Club…" Here she pauses to adjust her swimsuit, saying, "I'm picking my crotch and I don't care," before resuming, "…and the MSU Club is the Make Stuff Up Club, and that's for inner children. And as a post-menopausal woman, I don't care if you don't like the MSU Club for inner children!"
Judd then proceeds to do all the things we used to do in the water as kids when we didn't care what people thought of us. Back flops. Head dunking. Beauty shop hairdos. Handstands. Belly flopping. And all with so much joy.
At one point, as she walks away from the camera, she says, "Oh yeah, I probably have cellulite. I don't care. And I got hungry bum, and I don't care."
The whole video is delightful as Judd channels her inner child, bringing viewers back to their own childhood days playing in the water. People loved it:
"The amount of times I laughed out loud…This is perfect and I definitely needed this laugh today, thank you!!"
"Oh my goodness! I completely forgot about the hair thing. Thank you for reminding me, now I’ll have to do it. It might be in the shower, but you know what?? We don’t care."
Being a kid meant not caring what anyone else thought about what you were doing. Giphy
"Can I join the club? I’m not peri or postmenopausal yet. But I really do not care and I really do make stuff up."
"This is the best side of Ashley I’ve ever seen! She is morphing into a woman comfortable in her own skin and not afraid to say what’s on her mind! I want to be a member of both her clubs!! You go Ashley!"
"Thank you for sharing this journey, Ashley. It's beautiful to witness. I've joined the IDC club, and it's glorious."
As Judd pointed out, the We Don't Care Club was founded by influencer Melani Sanders, and her viral post hit a nerve with middle-aged women who were eager to join.
Sanders refers to the club as WDNC (We Do Not Care) and it has blown up and spread all over social media in just a few months.
"The beauty of the WDNC is all of the positivity that flows throughout all of our platforms," Sanders said in a video. She calls it a sisterhood for menopausal women.
"Watching my Sisters create Chapters and put the world on notice that we simply Do Not Care much anymore makes my heart smile," she writes. "Look at all of the positivity and love shared. Me and my Sisters are at capacity. We are tired. We have found a place where there is NO division or judgement. Everyone is accepted and loved regardless of race, religion, bank balance or brand of pocketbook you carry. The only requirement is you must have a She Shed. 😎😂"
People often lament getting older, but one of the bonuses of aging is getting to the point where you genuinely don't care about things that preoccupied you when you were younger. Bad hair day? Don't care. Bulging out of the swimsuit in places? Don't care. People judging what you're wearing or saying or doing or feeling? Don't care. It's a glorious club to belong to, with its freedom from worry and the room it makes for wonder.
Thanks, Ashley, for the beautiful example. You can follow Melani Sanders for more WDNC club updates on Instagram.
Diversity is the spice of life, they say. Our differences are what make us special, unique. But sometimes, you yearn for others to understand you in a way that simply can’t happen unless you ask them outright.
“What would you choose as the ONE concept you would make all men on the planet instantly understand, given the power to do so? Tell me about stuff that has nothing to do with men. That we can’t understand because we’re not even there!”
An unusual request with wonderful, thoughtful answers. Reddit
Women responded enthusiastically, sharing their day-to-day experiences, ranging from differences in health care to the intricacies of “that time of the month.” We’ve gathered 12 of the most highly voted answers, below.
1. Women are not a monolith
First things first, despite the prompt (and the intriguing answers it produced) women are not all the same. They do not think the same, feel the same, or have anything in common, solely based on their gender. The top-voted comment to this Reddit thread said as much, with a user writing:
“The biggest deficiency is not quite getting that we aren’t some hive mind or have some essential trait in common the differentiates us from men. We are no more of a puzzle to be figured out than any of your friends or acquaintances who are men. And just because you dated/met/saw on TikTok a woman who said or did X, that is no reflection on the next woman.”
“I am as unique from other people as you are. People often consider women to be a monolith or a hive mind. Absolutely not so. My experiences, opinions, moral codes, and answers are mine.”
“I have noticed that this whole ‘women are not funny’ myth leads to women (at least those around me) not loosing up and cracking jokes in environments different from the ones they feel safe in,” commented one user.
“Like, you know the class clown stereotype? It is rarely a woman. I also don’t see women making lots of jokes during work presentations or conferences, whereas some men freely use humor as a main tool to keep an audience engaged.”
Another person put even more plainly, writing:
“Women can be just as hilarious as men. In fact, I personally find women way more naturally and authentically funnier than men.”
3. Women are expected to be caregivers
Societal norms have long equated femininity with very specific traits, including to be nurturing, sensitive, and caregiving. From childhood, girls are frequently encouraged to play with dolls, help with chores, and model caregiving behaviors, while boys are rarely socialized in the same way. These expectations continue throughout a woman’s life—often, without their conscious knowledge of it—and they learn the lesson that caregiving is both their duty and moral obligation.
“I think that men often fail to understand the way that women are socialized to be 24/7 caregivers in a way that’s truly mind-blowing if you think about it,” starts another commenter.
She continues with an example:
“I’m sure you’ve seen a million conflicts where a wife is pissed off about something minor that her husband keeps doing, like, maybe he eats all her snacks without replacing them. She lets this go for a while, until she finally brings it up, and it’s a big emotional conversation. And he goes 'Well why didn’t you tell me? You need to communicate if I’m doing something that bothers you!' And everybody agrees that this whole problem was the wife’s responsibility to say something sooner.”
Even from a young age, girls are socialized to like and do certain things. Photo credit: Canva
4. Inequalities in healthcare
The Retrievals is a fascinating, heart-wrenching audio series by The New York Times, in which they tell the story of I.V.F patients at the Yale Fertility Clinic who experienced excruciating pain during a surgical procedure called egg removal. Despite their protests, no one believed them.
“Women’s pain is often downplayed by medical professionals or, more dangerously, told that their pain is ‘natural’ and ‘expected,’” writes one commenter.
“This mindset leads doctors to do procedures like IUD insertion without any sort of warning or pain management offered, which is barbaric. Or it leads to women downplaying their own pain, like from fibroids or PCOS or MS, because they’ve been told ‘oh, you’re supposed to be in debilitating pain.’”
Another woman echoed her experience, sharing:
“It’s so infuriating. I’ve had some serious and not so serious medical issues in my life, and I have yet to be taken seriously by even one doctor.”
5. Pregnancy
Over on r/AskWomenNoCensor, a similar discussion went on, this time, around the question, “What’s something men won’t be able to understand about women’s experiences without experiencing it themselves?”
The first answer?
Pregnancy.
“Pregnancy. Everything about it,” writes one woman.
“Not wanting it; wanting it; the body changes during; the decisions if you don’t want to carry it; birth; after-birth. So, so much!”
“A large body of research has documented that women are targeted for sexually objectifying treatment in their day-to-day lives more often than are men. Sexual objectification refers to the fragmentation of a woman into a collection of sexual parts and/or sexual functions, essentially stripping her of a unique personality and subjectivity so that she exists as merely a body. It is important to note that these experiences of sexual objectification occur outside of women’s personal control.”
Many commenters seemed to have experienced that phenomenon first-hand.
One person wished that men understood this better, writing: “We learn to self-monitor at such a young age. We view ourselves through a third-person perspective because we were conditioned to always see ourselves through the eyes of men and what they want.”
“This one just hit me hard,” another woman replied. “I never realized this, even tho I’ve known it all along. My god.”
7. It’s the little things
“The insidious social pressure to keep track of little things,” explains one user.
“Birthdays, appointments, animal care, where wallets and keys get tossed, arranging things with family, maintaining a comfortable home, meal planning, making sure I’m prepared for emergencies, how I look, how my friends are doing, what’s our budget look like this month, etc. It used to really bother me that my mom was always finishing things up before sitting down to eat with us, but I find myself doing the same thing. I’m so practiced in scanning the environment because if I don’t tend to the minute no one else will catch it, and I can’t physically relax knowing it’s waiting there for me.”
Being responsible for all the little things of life can be exhausting. Photo credit: Canva
8. Periods
Unsurprisingly, ‘periods’ was a frequent response, with one person writing, “I wish I could carry around the [period simulator] machine and attach it to guys to make them feel how it feels.”
Another person listed the different things women have to deal with on or around their period, including:
“I want to add the 'she’s on her period,’” they continue.
“Even if someone was menstrual 100% of the time, they still have a voice. What they say still matters. So many people will undercut another’s value with 'Oh, are you on your period?’”
9. “High maintenance”
Then there's of course, the infamous Pink Tax. This refers to the tendency for products marketed specifically toward women to be more expensive than those marketed toward men. On average, these products—including razors, deodorants, shampoos, and lotions—are, on average, 7–13% more expensive than similar items for men. In some studies, like the 2015 New York City Department of Consumer Affairs report, show that women’s products can cost thousands more over a lifetime for essentially identical products, differing only by color or packaging.
But even on top of that, the cost of maintaining a female body—haircuts, dry cleaning, makeup, skin care, nails, feminine hygiene products—all add up to an exorbitant amount.
“I wish men knew how expensive all that female cr*p is,” explained one commenter.
“I’m not talking about the pink tax — as for instance when I saw the identical set of tweezers in two kinds of packaging, one for women and one for men, and the women’s version cost $2 more — but just the sheer volume of crap you buy. Most of us don’t do it just for ourselves. Rarely do our jobs require it, but we get treated a lot better, and I don’t mean ‘straight men are hanging off me!’ better (and that’s not a good thing anyway), but as in ‘we don’t get ignored as much when we talk’ better. Of course, you have to walk the line of ‘attractive enough to tolerate’ and ‘attractive enough to make straight men blame you for their bad behavior.’
10. Don’t stand so close to me
“I think the largest gap in understanding between men and women is how truly scary it is for women (especially young women) to exist,” begins one woman.
“This is not to say that it’s not scary to be a man at times, but the fear experienced is different. Men tend to think of fear as being stabbed in a dark alley or being attacked by a bear in the forest, while for women it could be walking through a well-lit parking lot by themselves.”
She continues,
“I don’t think a lot of men realize that when they approach women, the woman is thinking about how much of a threat that man could be. Or walking down the street, how dangerous they appear.”
11. Postpartum
We’ve touched on periods and pregnancy, but what happens once the baby is born? Sunshine and rainbows, I assume?
Wrong.
“In my experience, postpartum depression takes the crown,” wrote one woman.
“I went through it and it was pure misery. Trying to take care of an infant while being in a mental health crisis is horrible. What’s more, my ex-husband didn’t believe me, said I probably saw something on TV and that I was just faking it. Part of the reason he’s my ex.”
“I think most men here on Reddit have no idea what actual women conversations and friendships are. So many men seem to think that women treat their friends like some extra brittle china dolls, never being sarcastic with them, or jokingly insulting, having to walk on eggshells around them, never having any banter, never saying what they actually think, etc. Do they really think that women can’t have a good banter with other women, be really blunt with each other and not get offended, jokingly hit each other or basically just have very diverse and different human relationships?”
There you have it: the 12 things women wish men would understand about them. Women are not a monolith; they are different and unique and can’t be grouped together just by gender. Life can be scary, in ways that men typically don’t have to think about. Women's lives are expensive. And we’re just people: flawed, funny, lazy, uncaring, loving—all of it. And at the end of the day, it’s a beautiful experience. It’s just like Shania Twain said: “Man, I feel like a woman (hey!)”
They say the best way to understand another person is to walk a mile in their shoes. If you ask most women, though, they'll tell you to forget about the shoes. They've got much bigger problems they wish men could understand.
Imagine how different the world would be if cis-gendered men had the ability to give birth, for example? Would the state of Texas still have a near-blanket ban on abortions or would they be available on-demand? Would we live in a country without mandatory paid maternity leave? How much more affordable would childcare be? Would there be a tax on period products? How would we treat people experiencing period pain?
A few brave men decided to see what life was like for people who have periods in a funny but enlightening video that's gone viral on TikTok.
People who menstruate are often used to being forced to push through the discomfort. Giphy
In a video posted by Benz Trap House that has over 1.4 million views, a group of guys tried a period simulator to experience what menstrual cramps really feel like. Period simulators are essentially the same as labor simulators. They're called transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS) machines that are designed to relieve pain. But when turned up a notch can create intense, debilitating discomfort.
The group took a semi-scientific approach to the experiment with a woman acting as a control subject. At the beginning of the video, she attaches the simulator to an area near her ovaries and turns it up to ten, the highest setting. In the clip, the group looks impressed as she endures the extreme setting without showing any discomfort.
The boys tried a period simulator #fyp #foryou #foryoupage #funny #periodcramps #periodsimulator #viral
When the first guy attempted to wear the period simulator he was shocked by the discomfort. "Is it supposed to hurt like that?" the second guy says before erupting in nervous laughter.
The third guy said that he felt the pain all the way down to his knee caps.
The men's description of the pain certainly seems to indicate that the simulator machine is pretty accurate. According to Mayo Clinic, menstrual cramps are a "throbbing or cramping pain" that radiates to the lower back and thighs. The pain itself, during actual menstruation not simulated by electrical charges, is caused by repeated contractions of the uterus as it sheds its lining. The cramps can be much worse for women and menstruating people with certain conditions. In fact, they can be debilitating and excruciating. But most of the time? Women are expected to just soldier on as if nothing's happening. In many male-dominated spaces, pain or other difficulties associated with periods is not considered a valid excuse for needing a day off, taking a break, or even going to the bathroom!
At one point in the video, the period simulator is attached to a woman and a man at the same time. When the device is turned on, the guy is in extreme pain while the woman stands still, claiming the feelings created by the machine are "not even as bad as a cramp."
"Yeah, my cramps hurt worse than this," she added. See, this is exactly what they mean when they say women have a higher pain tolerance than men. Scientifically, that claim may be dubious, but when it comes to this specific kind of reproductive discomfort, women are far more used to sucking it up.
A lot of people who menstruate felt validated after seeing the guys experience their first period.
"'You feel that in your back, boi?' every month, friend," a commenter named Crystal said.
Menstrual cramps can radiate through the lower back and even legs. Giphy
One of the most popular comments was from Candyce, who said: "I'm convinced if men could get pregnant they'd have abortion clinics on every corner and paid maternity leave the whole pregnancy."
Another commenter, S DeMarco, pointed out that women have to go through an entire day in pain without a break.
"When he said 'it's stabbing me what do I do?' You go to work, clean the house and continue on bb," she wrote.
"Please this needs to be added to every high school health class ... cause some guys really don’t understand the pain" another user added.
Shellz took reality up a notch. "Let's add headaches. And period poops. And bloating. And the feeling of blood leaving you. And the nausea," she wrote.
If only there were a machine that could simulate all that!
It's cool that the lighthearted video has gone viral because it'll give some people newfound respect for the pain that people who have periods go through. Some who watched the video thought that period simulators should be mandatory in sex ed classes.
Imagine how different the world would be if everyone experienced menstrual pain just once in their life.
This article originally appeared four years ago. It has been updated.
A woman puts on her estrogen patch. A man looks baffled.
Women going through menopause or perimenopause are learning quickly that not everyone understands what we're dealing with. Which makes sense—it’s confusing even for us, let alone those who can't physically relate.
Luckily, lots of women are willing to teach. Just recently we shared the story of a woman who built the "We Do Not Care" club as a community for those experiencing this "change" in both physical and emotional ways. Our priorities have shifted. Things we once cared about, like "wearing the right bra" on errands, no longer seem that important.
Another woman on Instagram, Beth Crosby (@garbagemom), is taking it up a notch and just so happens to also be a proud member of the WDNC club. In a sponsored clip entitled "Explaining Perimenopause to Dudes," she approaches people on the street with a microphone. For her first interaction, she whips out an estrogen patch and explains to a guy, "This is an estrogen patch." She shows it to the camera as she continues, "This has saved my entire life." She then illustrates how to put it on. "This goes on my butt…"
The man has questions. "So you do this in public?" Similarly to our friends in the We Do Not Care club, Crosby answers, "I don't even give a F anymore. I'm over 40, nothing matters." She reassures him, "Don't be embarrassed," and he cheekily replies, "I'm embarrassed FOR you." She ignores this and puts it on while narrating, "And you put it close to your butt," which she then slaps. "Ah, that's the good stuff."
Next up, she talks to a woman and asks, "If men had to have periods and go through perimenopause…?" The woman quickly interjects, "We'd have hormone therapy in a vending machine." Crosby concurs. "Period."
Dwight digs through a vending machine on The Office. Giphy Peacock. NBC
She explains to another guy, "I take estrogen and I smear it all over my face." He replies, "No you don't. Are you kidding me?" She confirms that yes, indeed, and in fact, "People put it on their vagina. Your vagina shrivels up during perimenopause." He lets an audible "yikes" and then nods and says, "Here we go, okay. Now we're in it."
Lastly, she cuts to a man who inquires, "Wasn't there like a pill or something?" To which Crosby assures, "There is help. I have been seeing an online clinic called Midi Health. They've been incredible. They've prescribed hormone replacement therapy for me and also some supplements, like holistic supplements."
Now switching between people, she explains, "So if you know any women in their mid-40s, just be really nice to them. They've got a lot going on. Thank you!" As she leaves, he—in jest—says, "Good luck with your shriveled self." She turns to the camera while sad clown music plays. He softens it up, "Maybe yours isn't though?" To which Crosby hilariously responds, "It is. Let's just be honest, it is."
Crosby makes it clear she's in a paid partnership with @midihealth, but Upworthy reached out to her and she shares that she's truly a huge fan. "It's been a game changer for me."
She also explains, specifically, how hormones have helped. "I suddenly started getting super anxious, and as someone who has dealt with anxiety my entire life, THIS anxiety felt different. It felt physical. So I finally checked out MIDI health and got prescribed HRT, estrogen (the patch) and progesterone. It was a game changer. I know it sounds dramatic and that's because it was! I'm sleeping a million times better, and my anxiety feels manageable."
The comments were extremely supportive, with one pointing out, "Educating the masses." Crosby responds, "Someone's gotta do it!"