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Women's lives are complex, messy, and beautiful.

Diversity is the spice of life, they say. Our differences are what make us special, unique. But sometimes, you yearn for others to understand you in a way that simply can’t happen unless you ask them outright.

That’s what happened on Reddit, when a man asked the forum r/AskFeminists the following question:

“What would you choose as the ONE concept you would make all men on the planet instantly understand, given the power to do so? Tell me about stuff that has nothing to do with men. That we can’t understand because we’re not even there!”


reddit, post, ask, question, forum An unusual request with wonderful, thoughtful answers. Reddit

Women responded enthusiastically, sharing their day-to-day experiences, ranging from differences in health care to the intricacies of “that time of the month.” We’ve gathered 12 of the most highly voted answers, below.


1. Women are not a monolith

First things first, despite the prompt (and the intriguing answers it produced) women are not all the same. They do not think the same, feel the same, or have anything in common, solely based on their gender. The top-voted comment to this Reddit thread said as much, with a user writing:

“The biggest deficiency is not quite getting that we aren’t some hive mind or have some essential trait in common the differentiates us from men. We are no more of a puzzle to be figured out than any of your friends or acquaintances who are men. And just because you dated/met/saw on TikTok a woman who said or did X, that is no reflection on the next woman.”


women, talking, experience, friends, womanhood Photo credit: Canva

The next woman echoed this, saying:

“I am as unique from other people as you are. People often consider women to be a monolith or a hive mind. Absolutely not so. My experiences, opinions, moral codes, and answers are mine.”


2. Women are hilarious

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Quinta Bronson, Carol Burnett: Women have been funny since the dawn of time. Yet, why do some believe the opposite to be true?


- YouTube www.youtube.com

“I have noticed that this whole ‘women are not funny’ myth leads to women (at least those around me) not loosing up and cracking jokes in environments different from the ones they feel safe in,” commented one user.

“Like, you know the class clown stereotype? It is rarely a woman. I also don’t see women making lots of jokes during work presentations or conferences, whereas some men freely use humor as a main tool to keep an audience engaged.”

Another person put even more plainly, writing:

“Women can be just as hilarious as men. In fact, I personally find women way more naturally and authentically funnier than men.”


3. Women are expected to be caregivers

Societal norms have long equated femininity with very specific traits, including to be nurturing, sensitive, and caregiving. From childhood, girls are frequently encouraged to play with dolls, help with chores, and model caregiving behaviors, while boys are rarely socialized in the same way. These expectations continue throughout a woman’s life—often, without their conscious knowledge of it—and they learn the lesson that caregiving is both their duty and moral obligation.

“I think that men often fail to understand the way that women are socialized to be 24/7 caregivers in a way that’s truly mind-blowing if you think about it,” starts another commenter.

She continues with an example:

“I’m sure you’ve seen a million conflicts where a wife is pissed off about something minor that her husband keeps doing, like, maybe he eats all her snacks without replacing them. She lets this go for a while, until she finally brings it up, and it’s a big emotional conversation. And he goes 'Well why didn’t you tell me? You need to communicate if I’m doing something that bothers you!' And everybody agrees that this whole problem was the wife’s responsibility to say something sooner.”


girls, talking, experience, friends, girlhood Even from a young age, girls are socialized to like and do certain things. Photo credit: Canva


4. Inequalities in healthcare

The Retrievals is a fascinating, heart-wrenching audio series by The New York Times, in which they tell the story of I.V.F patients at the Yale Fertility Clinic who experienced excruciating pain during a surgical procedure called egg removal. Despite their protests, no one believed them.

“Women’s pain is often downplayed by medical professionals or, more dangerously, told that their pain is ‘natural’ and ‘expected,’” writes one commenter.

“This mindset leads doctors to do procedures like IUD insertion without any sort of warning or pain management offered, which is barbaric. Or it leads to women downplaying their own pain, like from fibroids or PCOS or MS, because they’ve been told ‘oh, you’re supposed to be in debilitating pain.’”

Another woman echoed her experience, sharing:

“It’s so infuriating. I’ve had some serious and not so serious medical issues in my life, and I have yet to be taken seriously by even one doctor.”


5. Pregnancy

Over on r/AskWomenNoCensor, a similar discussion went on, this time, around the question, “What’s something men won’t be able to understand about women’s experiences without experiencing it themselves?”

The first answer?

Pregnancy.

“Pregnancy. Everything about it,” writes one woman.

“Not wanting it; wanting it; the body changes during; the decisions if you don’t want to carry it; birth; after-birth. So, so much!”



6. Objectification

In a paper titled “Objectification Theory, Self-Objectification, and Body Image,” by RM Calogero, they write:

“A large body of research has documented that women are targeted for sexually objectifying treatment in their day-to-day lives more often than are men. Sexual objectification refers to the fragmentation of a woman into a collection of sexual parts and/or sexual functions, essentially stripping her of a unique personality and subjectivity so that she exists as merely a body. It is important to note that these experiences of sexual objectification occur outside of women’s personal control.”

Many commenters seemed to have experienced that phenomenon first-hand.

One person wished that men understood this better, writing: “We learn to self-monitor at such a young age. We view ourselves through a third-person perspective because we were conditioned to always see ourselves through the eyes of men and what they want.”

“This one just hit me hard,” another woman replied. “I never realized this, even tho I’ve known it all along. My god.”


7. It’s the little things

“The insidious social pressure to keep track of little things,” explains one user.

“Birthdays, appointments, animal care, where wallets and keys get tossed, arranging things with family, maintaining a comfortable home, meal planning, making sure I’m prepared for emergencies, how I look, how my friends are doing, what’s our budget look like this month, etc. It used to really bother me that my mom was always finishing things up before sitting down to eat with us, but I find myself doing the same thing. I’m so practiced in scanning the environment because if I don’t tend to the minute no one else will catch it, and I can’t physically relax knowing it’s waiting there for me.”


women, talking, experience, friends, womanhood Being responsible for all the little things of life can be exhausting. Photo credit: Canva


8. Periods

Unsurprisingly, ‘periods’ was a frequent response, with one person writing, “I wish I could carry around the [period simulator] machine and attach it to guys to make them feel how it feels.”

Another person listed the different things women have to deal with on or around their period, including:

  • Cramps
  • Fatigue
  • Hunger
  • Irritation
  • Emotions
  • Being told that it’s “not that bad”


“I want to add the 'she’s on her period,’” they continue.

“Even if someone was menstrual 100% of the time, they still have a voice. What they say still matters. So many people will undercut another’s value with 'Oh, are you on your period?’”


9. “High maintenance”

Then there's of course, the infamous Pink Tax. This refers to the tendency for products marketed specifically toward women to be more expensive than those marketed toward men. On average, these products—including razors, deodorants, shampoos, and lotions—are, on average, 7–13% more expensive than similar items for men. In some studies, like the 2015 New York City Department of Consumer Affairs report, show that women’s products can cost thousands more over a lifetime for essentially identical products, differing only by color or packaging.

But even on top of that, the cost of maintaining a female body—haircuts, dry cleaning, makeup, skin care, nails, feminine hygiene products—all add up to an exorbitant amount.


- YouTube www.youtube.com

“I wish men knew how expensive all that female cr*p is,” explained one commenter.

“I’m not talking about the pink tax — as for instance when I saw the identical set of tweezers in two kinds of packaging, one for women and one for men, and the women’s version cost $2 more — but just the sheer volume of crap you buy. Most of us don’t do it just for ourselves. Rarely do our jobs require it, but we get treated a lot better, and I don’t mean ‘straight men are hanging off me!’ better (and that’s not a good thing anyway), but as in ‘we don’t get ignored as much when we talk’ better. Of course, you have to walk the line of ‘attractive enough to tolerate’ and ‘attractive enough to make straight men blame you for their bad behavior.’


10. Don’t stand so close to me

“I think the largest gap in understanding between men and women is how truly scary it is for women (especially young women) to exist,” begins one woman.

“This is not to say that it’s not scary to be a man at times, but the fear experienced is different. Men tend to think of fear as being stabbed in a dark alley or being attacked by a bear in the forest, while for women it could be walking through a well-lit parking lot by themselves.”

She continues,

“I don’t think a lot of men realize that when they approach women, the woman is thinking about how much of a threat that man could be. Or walking down the street, how dangerous they appear.”


11. Postpartum

We’ve touched on periods and pregnancy, but what happens once the baby is born? Sunshine and rainbows, I assume?

Wrong.

“In my experience, postpartum depression takes the crown,” wrote one woman.


“Absolutely!” agreed another.

“I went through it and it was pure misery. Trying to take care of an infant while being in a mental health crisis is horrible. What’s more, my ex-husband didn’t believe me, said I probably saw something on TV and that I was just faking it. Part of the reason he’s my ex.”

Across the globe, it is estimated that 1 in 7 women (14.3%) experience postpartum depression. In the U.S., that number drops slightly to 12.7% (roughly 1 in 8 mothers) and generally lasts for 3–6 months—even longer, without the proper treatment.


12. And finally…

The last thing women wish men knew about them? That for most women, our lives don’t revolve around men.


One woman summed it up perfectly:

“I think most men here on Reddit have no idea what actual women conversations and friendships are. So many men seem to think that women treat their friends like some extra brittle china dolls, never being sarcastic with them, or jokingly insulting, having to walk on eggshells around them, never having any banter, never saying what they actually think, etc. Do they really think that women can’t have a good banter with other women, be really blunt with each other and not get offended, jokingly hit each other or basically just have very diverse and different human relationships?”


There you have it: the 12 things women wish men would understand about them. Women are not a monolith; they are different and unique and can’t be grouped together just by gender. Life can be scary, in ways that men typically don’t have to think about. Women's lives are expensive. And we’re just people: flawed, funny, lazy, uncaring, loving—all of it. And at the end of the day, it’s a beautiful experience. It’s just like Shania Twain said: “Man, I feel like a woman (hey!)”

Health

What I realized about feminism after my male friend was disgusted by tampons at a party

"After all these years, my friend has probably forgotten, but I never have."

Photo by Josefin on Unsplash

It’s okay men. You don’t have to be afraid.


Years ago, a friend went to a party, and something bothered him enough to rant to me about it later.

And it bothered me that he was so incensed about it, but I couldn't put my finger on why. It seemed so petty for him to be upset, and even more so for me to be annoyed with him.

Recently, something reminded me of that scenario, and it made more sense. I'll explain.

It was a house party.

One of those parties people throw if they're renting a good-sized house in college. You know the type—loud music, Solo cups of beer, and somebody doing something drunk and stupid before the end of the night.

At some point, my friend had occasion to use the bathroom. When he went into the bathroom, he was disgusted to see that the hostess had left a basket of menstrual hygiene products on the counter for guests to use if needed.

Later, when my friend told me about it, he wrinkled his nose and said, “Why would she do that? Guys don't want to see that!"

When I suggested that she was just making them available in case someone needed them, he insisted they could be left in the cabinet or under the counter. Out of sight, anyway.

I wish I'd had, at the time, the ability to articulate what I can now.

To me, this situation is, while relatively benign, a perfect example of male privilege.

A man walks into the bathroom and sees a reminder that people have periods. And he's disgusted. He wants that evidence hidden away because it offends his senses. How dare the hostess so blatantly present tampons and pads where a man might see them? There's no reason for that!

Someone who gets a period walks into the bathroom and sees that the hostess is being extra considerate. They get it. They know what it's like to have a period start unexpectedly. The feeling of horror because they're probably wearing something they don't want ruined—it is a party after all. The sick embarrassment because someone might notice, especially if they're wearing light-colored clothes, or worse, they sat on the hostess' white couch.

The self-conscious, semi-nauseated feeling of trying to get through a social event after you've exhausted every avenue to get your hands on an emergency pad or tampon, and you're just hoping to God that if you tie your jacket around your waist (you brought one, right?), keep your back to a wall, clench your butt cheeks, squeeze your thighs tightly together, and don't...move...at...all—you might get through the evening, bow out gracefully, and find an all-night convenience store with a public restroom.

Or maybe they came to the party during their period, but didn't bargain for the flow to suddenly get that heavy. Or they desperately need a tampon, but their purse or bag is in a room where a couple is not to be disturbed. Maybe they don't know the hostess well enough to ask if they can use one. Or they don't know anyone at the party well enough to ask. Or they figure they can make do with some wadded up toilet paper or something.

Whatever the case, they walk into the bathroom and hear the hostess saying, “Hey, I know what it's like, and just in case, I've got your back." They see someone saving them from what could be a minor annoyance or a major embarrassment.

The hostess gets it.

The person who just walked into the bathroom? They're either going to see that the person throwing the party is super considerate or they're going to be whispering "thanks to Jesus, Krishna, and whoever else is listening" because that is a basket full of social saviors.

But to the guy who wrinkled his nose, it's still offensive that those terrible little things are on the counter, reminding his delicate sensibilities that the playground part of a person is occasionally unavailable due to a "gross" bodily function that he should never have to think about.

In the grand scheme of things, it's a tiny thing. It's a tiny annoyance for the man and a more significant, but relatively tiny, courtesy for the person with their period. After all these years, my friend has probably forgotten, but I never have. As a person whose life is partially governed by a fickle uterus that can ruin an evening faster than a submerged iPhone, his story has stuck with me.

How can you be so offended by a small gesture that has zero effect on you, but could make such an enormous difference to the person who needs it?

It occurs to me now that this is a small but effective illustration of how different people can see the world.

It's part of the same thought process that measures a woman's value through her bra size and her willingness to have sex with him—that everything about us is displayed or hidden based on how men perceive them or what he wants to get from us. Unattractive women should be as covered as possible, while attractive ones shouldn't be hiding their assets from male eyes (or hands, or anything else he wishes to use).

A woman who isn't smiling is an affront to him because it detracts from her prettiness, despite the fact that there might be a legitimate reason for her not to smile (or more to the point, there isn't a legitimate reason for her to smile). Her emotional state is irrelevant because she's not being pretty. It's the line of thinking where a man blames anything other than cheerful sexual consent on the woman being a bitch, being a lesbian, or — naturally — being on her period. Everything we do, from our facial expressions to our use of hygiene products, is filtered through the lens of “how it looks to a man.”

It's the line of thinking where a small gesture from one person to another, an assurance that someone else understands and will help without question or judgment, a gesture that could save a person's evening from being ruined is trumped by a man's desire to see an untainted landscape of pretty, smiling women with visible cleavage and bodies that never bleed.

And people wonder why we still need feminism.


This story was written by L.A. Witt and originally appeared nine years ago.

Men try a period simulator.

Imagine how different the world would be if cis-gendered men had the ability to give birth? Would the state of Texas attempt to ban abortions after six weeks or would they be available on-demand? Would we live in a country without mandatory paid maternity leave? How much more affordable would childcare be? Would there be a tax on period products? How would we treat people experiencing period pain?

A few brave men decided to see what life was like for people who have periods in a funny but enlightening video that's gone viral on TikTok. In a video posted by Benz Trap House that has over 1.4 million views, a group of guys tried a period simulator to experience what menstrual cramps really feel like. Period simulators are essentially the same as labor simulators. They're called transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS) machines that are designed to relieve pain. But when turned up a notch can create intense, debilitating discomfort.

The group took a semi-scientific approach to the experiment with a woman acting as a control subject. At the beginning of the video, she attaches the simulator to an area near her ovaries and turns it up to ten, the highest setting. In the clip, the group looks impressed as she endures the extreme setting without showing any discomfort.

The men would not do as well.

@benztraphouse

The boys tried a period simulator #fyp #foryou #foryoupage #funny #periodcramps #periodsimulator #viral

When the first guy attempted to wear the period simulator he was shocked by the discomfort. "Is it supposed to hurt like that?" the second guy says before erupting in nervous laughter.

The third guy said that he felt the pain all the way down to his knee caps.

At one point in the video, the period simulator is attached to a woman and a man at the same time. When the device is turned on, the guy is in extreme pain while the woman stands still, claiming the feelings created by the machine are "not even as bad as a cramp."

"Yeah, my cramps hurt worse than this," she added.

A lot of people who menstruate felt validated after seeing the guys experience their first period.

"'You feel that in your back, boi?' every month, friend," a commenter named Crystal said.

One of the most popular comments was from Candyce, who said: "I'm convinced if men could get pregnant they'd have abortion clinics on every corner and paid maternity leave the whole pregnancy."

Another commenter, S DeMarco, pointed out that women have to go through an entire day in pain without a break.

"When he said 'it's stabbing me what do I do?' You go to work, clean the house and continue on bb," she wrote.

Shellz took reality up a notch. "Let's add headaches. And period poops. And bloating. And the feeling of blood leaving you. And the nausea," she wrote.

It's cool that the lighthearted video has gone viral because it'll give some people newfound respect for the pain that people who have periods go through. Some who watched the video thought that period simulators should be mandatory in sex ed classes.

Imagine how different the world would be if everyone experienced menstrual pain just once in their life?


This article originally appeared four years ago.

Image collage created with Canva

A teacher went viral after using her period as a teaching moment with students

Teachers are almost always teaching even when it's not in their lesson plan.

Those that were born to be teachers find teachable moments everywhere and one woman found herself in one of those moments. Though this one was likely just a bit more personal than she probably would've liked.


Emily Elizabeth posted a TikTok video about how she found herself in a predicament in front of her classroom full of 10 and 11-year-old kids.

The teacher explained that she was noticing a lot of commotion and whispering among the little girls in her class while she was wearing white pants. After reminding the girls to stay on task, the whispering continued, prompting Emily to be more direct.

That's when one of the girls asked to speak with her privately dropping the bomb that no one that gets periods wants to hear in public.


"She goes, 'I'm sorry Ms. Emily, but I just want to let you know that I think you might have got your period,'" the teacher recalls.

But instead of freaking out or being flustered, Emily decided to swallow her embarrassment and use the moment as a teachable experience. She promptly told the concerned girls that it was fine and that she had a change of clothes that she could wear. Just before excusing herself, the boys noticed something was wrong so they curiously asked.

Emily informed them that she had gotten her period and while she was annoyed, she was perfectly fine.

One of the boys even sent her an email double checking that she was okay in a less public way. The sweet reaction from her class warmed her heart and the hearts of viewers.

"That boy who emailed...his parents must be incredible," one commenter says.

"You set an excellent example! And to not hide it from the boys who asked because that would have spoken SO LOUDLY to the boys and girls about normalizing periods," another writes.

"The email, you sound like an amazing teacher with an amazing group of kids," someone says.

You can watch Emily tell the entire story below:

@emilyelizabeth.w

Let’s normalise talking about periods for girls AND boys … trying to find the silver lining 😅 #fyp #melbourneteacher #teachersoftiktok #teacherlife

This article originally appeared on 10.2.23