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making friends

A couple talking on a date.

It’s important to be good at making small talk, it’s how we can make friends in the workplace, find romance on a first date, and maintain meaningful connections with those in our community. However, many people are put off by the prospect of chatting with a stranger because they either find it uncomfortable or simply don’t enjoy discussing trivial topics, such as the weather, sports, or their job.

However, if you’re good at making small talk, you can elevate it to a medium level of conversation, and then hopefully something much more profound. TikToker Mariah Grumet Humbert, (@OldSoulEtiquette) put out a video with five “rapid fire small talk hacks that actually work,” and they're an excellent way for anyone to level up their conversation game.

 coworkers, small talk, conversation, coffee, jokes, communications tips Coworkers having a great conversation. via Canva/Photos

How to improve your small talk skills

“I feel like it’s time small talk gets a rebrand! What do you think? It doesn’t have to be that surface-level conversation that people dread, but it can actually be the start of a good connection or even a simple way to spread kindness,” Humbert wrote on Instagram.

Humbert is a certified etiquette trainer who works with individuals and organizations across the globe, offering private consulting, interactive workshops, webinars, and keynotes on topics such as social, dining, and business etiquette, first and lasting impressions, personal branding, the art of conversation and small talk, the power of your professional presence.

@oldsouletiquette

Small talk hacks that actually work! I know this to be true because I use them all every single day. Let’s make small talk less dreadful! ❤️ #etiquetteexpert #etiquettetips #smalltalk #tips #conversation #hacks

Five ‘rapid-fire’ small talk hacks that actually work

1. Frame your question

“[Frame it] so it prompts the other person to give you a longer-winded answer. For example, instead of saying ‘where did you grow up?’ Say ‘tell me about where you grew up.’”

2. Take note of your surroundings

“Use your host and surroundings to help you get started, as these are things you already have in common with this person.”

3. Have some back-pocket topics

“These are topics you are going to leave in your back pocket in case you need to use them. If there is an awkward silence in the conversation, or perhaps the conversation goes in a direction you don't really want it to go in.”

If you're looking for an easy way to remember some key topics, consider the FORD method: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. You can learn more about that here.

4. Give thoughtful responses

“Your answer should either end in a question for the other person or prompts the other person to ask you a follow-up question.”

5. Choose familiar subject matter

“Focus on bringing up topics that you can talk about endlessly. This will make the conversation flow a lot better.”


Humbert’s list of hacks can be helpful to those who feel uncomfortable making small talk with people because they don’t have a strategy. People may think that those who are adept at making friends at parties simply have the gift of gab or natural charisma. But what Humbert shows is that small talk is like any other skill in life. For many of us, it has to be learned and may not be something you pick up naturally. Now, with a few hacks under your belt, who knows what wonderful people you’ll meet at your next social gathering?

Canva

Making friends is hard. But maybe it doens't have to be THAT hard.

Making friends as an adult is definitely not like making friends as a kid.

Remember how easy it was to make a new friend when you were young? Five minutes sharing a slide and suddenly you're bonded for life.

But as we grow older, making friends can become much harder. So hard, in fact, that some people equate having a large group of close friends to a miracle.


Friendships are an important part of life at any age.

Most everyone wants and needs friends, and research shows that friendships can have a huge effect on our physical and mental health. There's not much we can do about friendships that diminish and change as we age — people move, start families and new careers, and shift to new social circles — but it's important to keep forming meaningful, long-lasting connections with people throughout life, whether you're 25 or 80.

It's something that affects us all.

"Making friends is hard for everyone," says Ellen Hendriksen, clinical psychologist and author of "How to Be Yourself," a guide on learning to tame social anxiety. "It's not just you." But knowing you're not alone isn't going to get you the friend circle you want.

Here are five tips to getting into the mindset of making friends — and then going out and doing it.

1. Relax (aka the hardest step).

In college, my abnormal psychology professor told us about a guy who wanted to make friends — five friends (because we all seem have an arbitrary number of pals we think is appropriate). He went to a party and met five people he liked and got their numbers. This guy was so excited that he started calling his new friends immediately, asking them to do things and inviting them for coffee nearly every day.

Of course, his overexcitement became clingy, his new acquaintances suddenly started making excuses, and he ended up being a negative example for a group of undergrads learning about problems in human behavior.

"You can't make friends like a poacher," Hendriksen says. "Focus on being open and curious and thoughtful. Ask questions, listen when others respond, be friendly, and when you slowly inch into the mix, be intentional."

Allow yourself to be in the moment and ask questions that come up naturally. If someone says they're having a hard week at work, ask them about it. If someone tells you they've recently been on a trip, commit to asking something more than just "how was it?" Be interested.

shared interest, making friends, dog park, group involvement

Make friends through shared interests like a dog park.

Photo by Carol Magalhães on Unsplash

2. Repetition is key.

Most articles about how to make friends suggest that people find a hobby, join a group, or volunteer. But Hendriksen says that's not a fail-safe solution.

Ultimately, it's not the activity that matters — although it should be something you enjoy — it's the fact that you're finding a place where other people can get to know you over time. In fact, since more and more research shows that making friends takes longer than previously thought, it's important to give it some time; Hendriksen suggests giving it a season.

You don't have to join an official group or club. Hendriksen once turned an acquaintance into a good friend when the two bonded over their mission to try every Mexican restaurant in Cambridge, Massachusetts. The key is to engage in something that allows you to get to know other people and lets them to get to know you.

"You can go to the same dog park every morning," Hendriksen says. "You can join an Ultimate Frisbee team. You can walk your kids to the bus stop every day and chat with the other parents. Or you can start something with repetition. Have a weekly viewing party for your favorite TV show, start a writer's group, start a new mom's playgroup or a boozy book club."

Really, whatever works for you as long as other people are involved.

3. Disclose, but don’t confess.

Imagine you're meeting someone for the first time. You ask them how they're doing, and they say "fine." There's not much to work with because the other person hasn't disclosed anything. What else is there to say?

Now imagine a different person. You ask them how they're doing and their response is one of sheer distress: "Nothing is going right in my life. Parking was hell, my job kills me, and I'm still not over my ex." I imagine your response to this diatribe wouldn't be particularly positive.

And why should it be? These are things you'd tell to a very close friend, not just someone you've met at your new book club.

This doesn't mean we can never say anything negative — after all, we all have bad days. But your goal is to keep the connection on even footing. Sharing a little bit about yourself is fine, but the goal is to lead to further conversation rather than a deep emotional connection right off the bat.

Why doesn't confession work? Because it's too much, too soon. The goal of confession can be to foster a sense of kinship, but when that strong emotional connection has new acquaintances wondering whether you're looking for a friend or a therapist, the relationship is already off balance. You can get closer, but give it time first.

"Don't let them see all of the mess right away," Hendriksen says, "but let them see a little peek at the mess. What do you do? How do you spend your time? What do you think about? What are you like? Where are you from? What's your story?"

She notes that disclosing things about yourself may feel weird and even "selfish" at first, but it's just because you’re not used to it. Keep trying.

movies, specific day, concrete timeline, new friends

Suggesting a specific activity is better than 'let's hang out sometime.'

Photo by Simon Ray on Unsplash

4. Don’t fear the follow-through.

All of this meeting new people and sharing interests is leading somewhere, right? You also want to make more lasting connections with some of your new acquaintances.

To do that, you must initiate a plan and then follow through.

Sometimes, you'll be lucky and someone will ask you to do something first. But most people are a little bit terrified about stepping outside their comfort zone. And that means making the plans and following through can be tricky — for everyone.

The key is to be specific. "Do you want to hang out sometime?" seems like a nice, safe question that gets to whether someone wants to spend more time together, but it doesn't work. Even if the person says yes, you have no concrete timeline in place. You've thrown the ball into their court and are now at the whim of their schedule.

"Do you want to go see a movie on Saturday?" for instance, or "do you want to take a hike with me on Sunday?" are both great options to feel out if someone's interested in a specific activity on a specific day. If they say yes, then you're good to go.

If they say no? Well, they might come up with an alternative activity.

5. Allow yourself to be anxious. And then go for it anyway.

We've all been there: Someone invites you to an event, and you get excited, but when the day of the event comes, you'd rather be doing anything else. After all, comfort zones are ... well, comfortable.

Although the urge to cancel may be strong, recognizing that these feelings are normal is the first step to overcoming them.

Your brain, Hendriksen says, comes up with worst-case scenarios — What if you say something foolish? What if the other person is only doing it to be nice? What if you have nothing in common? — to keep you safe. "But really, it's a false alarm."

Remember when you were terrified about that presentation in class or that important meeting you were leading at work? Did it end up going OK, even if it was hard? Then why shouldn't this? After all, if you don't try, you'll never be ready.

Though most of us would rather, as Hendriksen says, cocoon ourselves away and hope that we'll emerge as beautiful social butterflies, the truth is that experience is the only way we can get there. So keep moving forward. You just have to take the first step.

This article originally appeared on 07.05.18

Pop Culture

Woman gets emotional while admitting she feels 'so jealous' seeing girl best friends

Her tearful confession elicited a lot of responses from other women who felt a similar loneliness.

@via..li/TikTok

"It's a different kind of pain."

From the gal pals in “Sex & the City,” to besties Romy and Michelle, to even a casual scroll through #bffsforever on social media, we are inundated with images of female friendships brimming over with glamor, intimacy, laughter, connection…sort of like the grown-up version of sugar, spice and everything nice.

And while it’s lovely to see examples of women lifting each other up rather than putting each other down, it can feel painfully isolating for the many women who simply don’t have those types of friendships.

Loneliness is something that nearly every person deals with in some capacity due to our increasingly technology-driven, post-COVID world, but it’s the particular juxtaposition of girl squads constantly showing up in pop culture against the very different reality of many, if not most, women that is its own unique type of suffering. Friendships, friendships everywhere, but not a drop to drink lattes with.

This is why so many women are resonating with a TikTok NYC-based Via Li made after seeing two girlfriends chatting at a cafe and feeling intense longing for that type of platonic relationship.

“I just got to this cafe and I saw these two girls just sitting next to each other. You know, they had their laptops out and they were just smiling with each other,” Li says as her eyes well up with tears.

“Why am I crying? This is so embarrassing, oh my god!” she exclaims. It’s okay Li, we’ve been there.

She continues by describing how the two girls seem so comfortable around each other, giving her the inkling that they probably even live together. “I think it’s just so great to have this best friend that you can do everything with…It just seems so happy, you know?”

Meanwhile, Li is sitting there by herself and “literally about to have a mental breakdown.”

She then explains that seeing those two friends together is a “different kind of pain” than seeing a couple together. “When I see couples, I don’t even get jealous,” she says. “But when I see two girl best friends…I literally look at them and I just feel like I’m gonna start crying.”

 
 @via..li 

why tf am i so emotional today oh my god

 ♬ original sound - Via 
 
 

Though Li felt alone while filming the clip, she is certainly not alone in her sentiment. Shortly after posting, several other women flooded the comments with similar feelings of this specific kind of loneliness, whether they once had a friend group and lost it or never seemed to belong to one.

“Same it’s hard to find someone who matches your energy, humor and morals,” one person shared.

Another added, “I miss having girl best friends. Everything was so easy omg this makes me sad.”

“I know exactly how you feel. I crave it so badly and never experienced the full thing” wrote another.

Feeling envy is part of being human. It’s a way of remembering that we truly care about something. Friendship envy is no different. And the good news is this thing we care about can be achieved with some effort and attention (though it still may never look like a well-crafted sitcom).

Psychologist and Forbes contributor Mark Travers suggests being proactive by initiating conversation with neighbors, organizing a movie night, starting your own book club, etc., and committing to creating your own community that way. He also emphasizes the power of being honest about your personal life with others in order to form connections. Even those who are more introverted can “start off small,” he writes.

Considering tons of viewers reached out to offer Li friendship after she was so vulnerable, perhaps there is something to this strategy. Regardless, her story is one that nearly all of us can relate to. You never really grow out of that desire to have a sleepover, paint your nails and share your feelings with a chosen tribe that feels like family.

Looking for more friend-finding tips? We actually have some here.

Loneliness is becoming a public health issue.

We live in a time when we're more connected than ever, and yet a recent survey found that most Americans could be classified as lonely — feeling out of step with the world, not creating meaningful relationships, and seeing themselves as disconnected, even when they're with others. That same survey showed that young Americans may be the most lonely demographic. And that's a problem.

Social isolation comes with health concerns, both physical and mental. According to a 2010 study, loneliness could be just as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, it can be a factor in the development of depression, and it can hasten cognitive decline due to a lack of intellectual stimulation.


Now that the problem's been recognized, solutions are coming fast.

Of course, feeling lonely is normal some of the time, just as it's normal to feel anxious or have a low mood once in a while. It's when it becomes prolonged that loneliness is an issue. Transforming loneliness takes perseverance, but there's evidence that isolation doesn't have to be a permanent condition.

In large cities  — where one can feel lost even in a crowd — co-working and co-living facilities have become increasingly common.

If you're someone who works from home, you already understand both the ecstasy and the agony of the position (no pants, ever, but also no one to talk to). That's why co-working is so ideal. The space doesn't just give one a space to work, it puts people into contact with one another, allowing them to create small communities where they can bounce ideas off each other, vent, and create friendships that extend beyond happy hour.

Co-living spaces, while not as ubiquitous, also offer a solution to loneliness. They allow like-minded people to live together, work together, and form strong bonds. Unlike traditional roommate situations, this isn't just about a few people sharing the rent — it's also about schedules, interests, and personalities. This ensures that people aren't merely living together; they're forming a cohesive bond for residents that hopefully will last even after they've left the space.

Humans need connection to thrive. Sometimes the best way is through helping others.

A recent study, for example, found that volunteering 100 hours a year (or two hours a week) can have health benefits, especially after experiencing a loss. When researchers studied older people who had lost a spouse, they found that those who made volunteering a regular part of their routine were able to bounce back more quickly. Volunteering has also been shown to reduce stress and lower blood pressure. And researchers have suggested that this can work for all groups of people.

All this means greater hope for the future.

It's no surprise that former surgeon general Vivek Murthy cited loneliness as an "epidemic" that needs to be treated on a large scale. Part of that treatment is knowledge, and as society becomes more and more aware that loneliness can have painful consequences, it's important for us to work harder to make connections. The people we spend our time with don't just enrich our lives. They could be making them longer too.