loneliness

I can remember a very few instances in my life of being obviously hit on, most of them in college. Once, when working retail, a girl came into the store and slipped me her number without so much as saying a word. Later, I was working as a pizza delivery driver when a girl I'd delivered to had her friend call the store and get my phone number. A woman's voice inside one the houses, as I was handing over a fresh pizza, once yelled out that I was "hot."

If it sounds like bragging, please don't be mistaken. It has been a VERY long time since anything like that happened. What's funny is that through all the many years since and the hazy memories of college, and though I'm quite happily married now, I remember those instances extremely well, probably because they are so few and far between throughout my life.

A 24 year old woman recently took to social media to ask an interesting question about flirting and aging: "Do women start hitting on men more once you’re 30+?"

Guys won't recognize flirting unless it looks like this.Giphy

In a post on r/AskMenAdvice, a woman reported that her husband was feeling insecure because whenever they'd go out, she would get hit on by men. Sometimes the attention would take the form of random guys coming up to the husband and telling him "how lucky he is." (As a husband myself, I can confirm that we hate that.) Other times, when she went out alone, men would be more direct in their attempts to flirt with her.

She tried to comfort him by assuring him that he was extremely handsome and one day, the tables would turn.

"I told him I think men start getting hit on/approached more when they get past 30. I guess I believe women start to get more confident with approaching with age. Also once women start getting older they do not get approached like they did in their prime causing them to reach out. Is this just a bad assumption?" she wrote.

Then she asked for input. "Did men start noticing a difference in the amount or the way women approached them as they got older? Maybe I’m way off but it makes sense in my head and I’d love some honest feedback. Men did you notice a difference with age and women did you get bolder/more confident with age?"

The guys in the comments chimed in with a wide variety of diverse answers: Everything from No, to Hell No, to Absolutely Not.

How many ways are there to say No?Giphy

Here are some of the most illuminating responses:

"I can tell you, lady, zero is still zero after 30"

"Guy 35 never been hit on in my life."

"Not in my 20s, not in my 30s, not in my 40s, not in my 50s. Will keep you posted."

"I get hit on twice as often. 200% of zero is also zero"

Here's a screenshot for illustrative purposes, showing guys' answers as to whether they get hit on more after 30:

Do guys get hit on after 30? No, no, no, and no.Reddit

"In the US, very few men get hit on in general," one user mused. "It’s probably less than 1% of the adult male population overall. It’s just not really how the culture is here, men are expected to hit on women so most of the time, that’s how it goes."

But wait, there is some hope! At least, according to another guy that chimed in:

"30, nope. 40 maybe a little. 45 yes. 50 absolutely 100%. Maybe it’s the grey hair?"

The conversation is illuminating in a number of ways. First, it says a lot about the male psyche. Second, it says a lot about different communication styles between men and women.

While the comments and responses to the question are pretty funny, especially taken as a whole, they also paint a pretty bleak picture. A lot of men are touch starved and affection starved, lacking basic and necessary intimacy in their everyday lives. They don't get nearly as much physical touch from their parents and are afraid to touch their friends for fear of being judged.

A lot of sitcoms in the 90s and 2000s would frequently play close friendships between men for homoerotic laughs. That's the kind of environment a lot of guys were raised in. The only safe place to get that closeness and intimacy is in a romantic relationship, so for men who are single, the loneliness can be devastating.

For the record, I still love Scrubs.Giphy

Of course, women have to deal with unwanted attention from men that is often downright frightening and can be a threat to their physical safety, so no one needs to shed any tears for the poor men here. But if you've ever wanted to understand what's really going on in the brains and hearts of the men in your life, this thread should tell you a lot.

The other end of this coin is that guys often don't realize when they are being flirted with! Either because they just aren't used to picking up the cues or because the flirting is too subtle and conservative.

It's been shown that women are far more adept at nonverbal communications and cues, whereas men tend to be more direct and vocal in the way they communicate. So it's definitely possible that all the men in the thread have been waiting on the blatantly obvious "YOU'RE HOT!" when the prolonged eye contact and subtle smile were right in front of them the whole time.

Ultimately, maybe it's for the best. If guys thought every common compliment or polite nod was a come-on, that would only serve to make things way worse for women. Men will just have to learn to start hugging and complimenting each other more without fear of judgment.