empathy

One of the biggest differences between male and female humans is the monthly menstruation experienced by most females. As our bodies prepare to build and house a baby, our uterus builds up a cushiony lining of blood. When no fertilized eggs show up, the uterus sheds that lining in a process that involves all manner of monthly symptoms including (but not limited to) painful uterine cramping.

Menstrual cramps can run the gamut from barely noticeable to incapacitating, and they can last a matter of hours or stretch on for days. People who struggle with bad cramps often try to explain how painful they are, but those who haven't experienced them really have no way of knowing or understanding what they really feel like.

Menstrual cramps are hard to explain if you've not experienced them. Giphy

Or rather, they didn't until the advent of the period cramp simulator. You may have seen videos of men being hooked up to cramp/contraction machines that simulate uterine cramps—but have you ever seen a man try to sing while wearing one?

Talia Fossum-Wernick shared a video of her with her fiance, Tommy Montgomery, on stage during Tommy's Dogs in Strollers Babies on Leashes comedy show at People's Improv Theater in Manhattan. Tommy is hooked up a period simulator that Talia controls, and as she bumps up the levels, he attempts to sing "Go the Distance" from Hercules. Tommy's a talented singer and makes a valiant effort, but by the time the machine ratchets up to level 3, he's wincing. By level 5, the pain disrupts his singing.

"Why do I feel it in my knee?!?" he cries out as he hunches over in pain at level 7. His attempts at singing go awry over and over, interrupted by his groans, wheezes, moans, and nervous laughter. At one point, he just says to Talia, "I love you, I'm sorry." As she takes it to level 10, Tommy tries to do a grand finale note, but ultimately, he's unable to "go the distance."

Tommy and Talia tell Upworthy that they had decided to add the bit to their act about 20 minutes before leaving the house for the show, so none of it was rehearsed or scripted. However, it was not Tommy's first time using the simulator.

"He bought it as a birthday present [a few years ago]," says Talia, "and he was like, 'I have a whole collection of videos of my male friends trying this.'"

They've had a bunch of their friends, male and female, try it, and much like the comment section, people's feedback shows how different each person's experience is. "It just runs the full spectrum of people saying 'as a woman I've never experienced this' and 'as a woman have experienced so much worse,'" says Talia. "I think it is a good reminder for the wide spectrum that all of this lives on."

Some women's period cramps make it almost impossible to get out of bed.Photo credit: Canva

Women in the comments were quick to point out that the simulator only simulates pain, not the dozen or so other symptoms that can accompany cramps.

"Mind you just the pain; no added nausea, feeling the blood exit, digestive issues, worsening of disabilities and symptoms, heat flashes, tiredness and fatigue…"

"And yet women perform on stage all the time while on their period."

"I think this is my favorite of all of the period pain simulator videos I've seen. cuz normally the guys just sitting or standing, but seeing this really shows how it can affect your day-to-day life if you're not prepared or used to it."

"Meanwhile, the lady who voiced Mirabelle was in ACTIVE LABOR while recording 'waiting on a miracle' hehe." (Fact check: TRUE)

Stephanie Beatriz recorded one of the song from Disney's "Encanto" while in active labor. DisneyMusicVEVO/YouTube

"And Endometriosis goes above a 10 and isn't only during your period. 😭 I was a competitive gymnast and dancer with that misery. Women are tough!"

"Honestly as someone with endometriosis and is also a performer this made me feel so much better."

"I remember being in absolute disbelief when I first experienced cramps… I could not believe us women were expected to function normally while cramping 😅"

The fact that so many women deal with this level of pain on a monthly basis and are just expected to suck it up and not let it affect them is bonkers when you see Tommy's reaction. Sure, women "get used to" it. Sure, it doesn't usually ramp up from 1 to 10 that quickly (though it can). But also? Women have every right to claim a trophy for toughness on this front.

Check out what happens when they swap and Talia wears the cramp simulator in response to a commenter who said the simulator had to be worse than cramps since he'd never seen a woman doubled over in pain like men do with the simulator. Hahahahaha.

Again, the comments delivered:

"Conditioning, bro. Once a month every year from age 12 with no tolerance of missing school or work or sports or chores.. you get used to being in pain."

"It's not that the pain tolerance makes us feel it less, it's that we learn to compensate bc we have to. My mom said after getting a hysterectomy she didn't realize how much pain she had dealt with."

Tommy points out that even with the simulator experience, he knows it's not the same as what menstruation cramps and everything that goes with periods feels like. "I can still understand and listen and be empathetic, but ultimately it's not something that I will ever experience," he says.

One thing Tommy and Talia hope people take away from their viral video is the reality that this is something many women have to deal with on a regular basis and are still expected to perform normally. Another is that we need to listen when women say they're in pain and take it seriously. As many women in the comments talked about, even doctors often miss serious diagnoses because they don't listen or believe women when they talk about their pain.

Women's pain is often not taken seriously. Photo credit: Canva

"There's just a constant dismissal or lack of curiosity from men about women's experience," says Tommy. "Men should be listening and ask more questions. And men should be proud feminists and say that with their chest, and not be so protective of this version of masculinity that gets no one anywhere."

"I think there's a conversation to be had," says Talia, "and it's really fascinating to me that this one-off bit where he wears it for two minutes has sparked this huge conversation."

Talia says it's weird that we don't talk about the fact that many women we see on stage or performing or giving speeches or doing other jobs that require being "on" are doing so while managing intense pain, even though it's a common occurrence.

"I think I'm realizing for myself how my solution is just a bunch of Advil and to grin and bear it," says Talia, "and I don't know what another solution is and haven't really been presented with one."

Getting a feel for one another's experiences—at least as much as we can—is a big first step toward empathy and understanding. Perhaps seeing Tommy struggle his way through "Go the Distance" will help inspire more people to listen and understand other people's reality.

You can follow Talia on TikTok and Instagram and Tommy on Instagram. The pair will be bringing a one-act show written by Talia, The Lolita Apologies, to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August.