This article originally appeared on July 15, 2016
In 2013, I found out I was pregnant with triplets.
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My husband and I were in shock but thrilled at the news after dealing with infertility for years. And it didn't take long for the comments to begin. When people found out, the usual remarks followed: "Triplets?! What are you going to do? Three kids at once?! Glad it's not me!"
After mastering my response (and an evil look reserved for the rudest comments), I figured that was the worst of it. But little did I know I would be facing far worse comments after two of my triplets passed away.
On June 23, 2013, I gave birth to my triplets, more than four months premature.
My daughter, Abigail, passed away that same day; my son, Parker, died just shy of 2 months old. Before then, I didn't know much about child loss; it was uncharted territory. Like most people, I wouldn't know how to respond or what to say if a friend's child passed away.
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But two years later, I have found that some things are better left unsaid. These comments come from a good place, and I know people mean well, but they sure do sting.
Here are my top five things not to say to a grieving parent — and the thing I love to hear instead.
1. "Everything happens for a reason."
It's a cringeworthy comment for those of us who have lost a child. Sometimes, there is no rhyme or reason for why things happen in life. A parent should not outlive their child. I don't know why my body couldn't handle my pregnancy or why I went into labor at 22 weeks.
This phrase goes along with another I often hear: "God only gives us what we can handle." I remember talking with my childhood rabbi the night before my son passed away, and I asked her, "Why me?" Her response is something I now live by every single day. She said, "God doesn't give us only what we can handle. He helps us handle what we've been given."
2. "They are in a better place."
Instead of comforting, this is a phrase that makes me feel down in the dumps. I longed to be a parent for so many years. And children are meant to be in the loving arms of their parents.
I think I speak for every grieving mother and father when I say, we would give anything to hold our babies again.
3. "At least you have one survivor. Count your blessings."
I like to think of myself as a positive person. But even two years later, my heart still aches for Parker and Abby. And on the most difficult, dark days of grief, it's hard to "count my blessings."
Yes, I am blessed. I have a gorgeous miracle child who is the light of my life. But Peyton should be playing with her brother and sister in our home, not just waving to their pictures and blowing kisses to heaven.
4. "You are still young. You can have more children."
It doesn't matter whether or not our biological clock is ticking. Many people have no idea what couples go through to have a child: Some can't have children of their own; others may face years of infertility or miscarriages. And for people like me, trying for more children may be something too scary to even think about. I came close to death after delivering my children — that's enough to scar me for life.
5. "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't imagine losing two children."
Some days I don't know how I do it either. But we learn how to live with it. We learn a "new normal," and in those tough moments, we celebrate that we survived the day. This comment is a difficult reminder of our grief and the children who were sent to heaven.
So, what should you say to a grieving parent?
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There are no words to take the pain away, of course, but simply letting that person know you are there for them is more than enough.
For me, the best thing someone can do is to talk about my angels. Say Parker and Abby by name, and don't be afraid to ask questions about them.
While they were only here for a short time, they left a huge imprint on this world. I love talking about my angels, and simply hearing someone else mention them by name is enough to wipe away the grief and warm my heart for days.
Edward Hemingway talks about his new picture book, "Pigeon & Cat."
Inspiration for “Pigeon & Cat”
During the early 2000s and into the 2010s, Hemingway lived in the Red Hook neighborhood of Brooklyn, New York. The idea for the character, Cat, came from the time he lived there.
“I noticed all these feral cats living in the neighborhood and they would live in these abandoned lots,” Hemingway explained. “They were all so cute and I would go up to them and unfortunately they're very territorial. I was fascinated with them and I was always trying to win them over, but I wondered, you know, what would it take to win them over?”
After Hurricane Sandy in 2012, Hemingway was forced to leave his home in Red Hook. And even though he had left the neighborhood, he couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to those feral cats. So when he was creating this new character, he immediately thought of those cats.
Feral cats are a very specific kind of cat. When we meet Cat, he lives alone in a vacant lot and is fiercely territorial of his space. He never wants to leave his lot for fear of losing the only thing that’s his, which keeps him from making meaningful relationships.
Cat creates a lovely home for his friend Pigeon.
The relationship between Pigeon and Cat
In the story, Cat finds Pigeon’s egg in a nearby nest. Despite knowing that the egg would make a wonderful meal for a hungry cat, he doesn’t eat the egg. Instead he allows it to hatch and cares for the little bird.
“Pigeon's also a stray, but she's known nothing but love because Cat loves her. And so she is able to show Cat that he's capable of loving so much more,” Hemingway said. “I love that idea of this small single act of kindness actually changing an entire community because it brings these two animals together.”
Cat pours so much love and care into Pigeon’s well-being. He begins to decorate their lot with pretty things and teaches Pigeon words. His love and care offers Pigeon the safety to explore, which eventually means that she leaves the lot, and Cat is alone again. But this time it’s different.
Empathy has a ripple effect
Throughout our conversation, one word came up a lot: empathy. The empathy Cat shows for Pigeon’s egg changes both of their lives for the better. And when Pigeon leaves their lot, Cat is a different animal than he was at the beginning of the book. He goes out into the world unafraid—he’s learned you can find friends where you least expect them.
“I really wanted to make a book that kind of celebrated the things that bring us all together, that make us a community,” Hemingway said.
During their time apart, both Pigeon and Cat see more of their city, making new friends and having new experiences. Cat especially learns that not everyone is a threat because he’s forced to talk to other animals in his quest to find Pigeon.
“This small act of kindness actually changes both of these characters' lives and not only changes their lives, but actually leads to urban renewal.” Hemingway explained.
In the end, Pigeon and Cat turn their lot into a home for more than just themselves. They create a new community for other stray animals who don’t have homes where they can share their resources and support each other.
Empathy creates a ripple effect that can unite a community.
Why did he choose a pigeon and cat of all the possible animal choices?
“I think visually I love the, sort of the difference between a, you know, a feral cat and a, and a city pigeon that they're both, they're so different, also dynamically in the way that they would move and think. And that's why I think they make kind of a charming pair as well.”
Pigeon soars high above her home city.
On writing a book about homelessness, community and empathy during a pandemic
“It was just so trippy during the pandemic to be painting these big city scenes, you know?” he said. “And I was missing all that interaction. But also, when I painted it I was yearning for all that. So I think there's some of that in the feeling of the book too.”
Hemingway, who is an artist first (he studied at the Rhode Island School of Design), handpaints all of his illustrations on a board about three times the size of a book page. Though he now lives in Montana, he fondly remembers the community of living in a city during major devastation. Though a hurricane is different than a pandemic, there’s a similar sense of isolation.
So, what does he ultimately want readers to gain from reading “Pigeon & Cat?”
“I want it to be like a unifying book, you know? Just to remind us all that we're all in this together,” Hemingway said.
Whether you’re a kid or an adult, you will find something to take away from “Pigeon & Cat.” That’s the beauty of picture books.