upworthy

emotions

jissel_fitts/TikTok

Dad gently explains to son why hitting others is bad.

Present fathers are a gift to kids, especially sons. One father is making his presence and guidance a priority in teaching his son about regulating his emotions when it comes to anger.

TikTok family The Fitts' (@jissel_fitts), made up of husband and wife duo Aaron and Jissell and their two children, shared an emotional video with their followers capturing a conversation between father and son. As he speaks to him, Aaron holds his little boy's head in his hands after learning he hit someone. Rather than explosively yell or demean him for hitting, Aaron calmly explains why it is not okay and how to recognize and manage his emotions better.

"This is what every little boy needs, a father to teach them about emotions," Jissell captioned the post. "As a mother, I wanted to step in but I have to constantly remind myself my husband is raising a boy and prepping him to become a man on day."

@jissel_fitts

#fyp #fypage #f #fatherson #dadsoftiktok #dadlife #blackfathers #blackfatherhood #fatherhood #breakingcycles

In the video, Aaron tells his son, "You have to learn how to control your emotions. Just because you're upset don't mean you get to hit. Do you understand?" he says. His son is visibly upset, but calmly listens to him and nods his head.

He continues, "You can't hit people because you're angry. That's a part of growing up, man. You can't just be mad because somebody said something you don't like. You hear me? Daddy was just trying to tell you."

As he explains to his son, the father strokes his head, offering physical reassurance and comfort with zero yelling. He makes constant eye contact with his son, who responds to his gentle demeanor by listening intently.

Viewers are impressed with this dad's approach.

"not all dads are calm, patient, verbal like this 😭 love this for him 🖤," one wrote.

"I love the fathers of this generation instead of telling him to man up he explains and lets his little boy have his moment of tears."

Another viewer commented, "This is so needed! Instead of yelling and demeaning words."

Another viewer pointed out, "notice how the little baby is playing his dads beard while being disciplined 😭💖 shows he feels safe w him and he’s really listening."

Others praised the mother: "The mother saying she’s not stepping in is the BEST PART!!! Let the men RAISE their boys!!!" one wrote. Another commented, "Us women, we raise our babies, our husbands, they raise men."

@jissel_fitts

#fyp #fypage #f #fatherson #dadsoftiktok #dadlife #blackfathers #blackfatherhood #fatherhood #breakingcycles

Jissell also responded to people sharing about their struggles. One viewer wrote, "I wish I had this growing up pops wasn’t around mom had to work you guys know how to go 🤦🏾♂️😩." And Jissell replied, "Growing up in my household we weren’t allowed to express ourselves we got in trouble for it 🥹."

Another shared, "Not all boys have a father like this not all boys have an active present, loving father that’s going to be like this. Some of us mothers have to be the mother and the father to our boys💯 & that’s Ok." Jissell responded, "My husband was raised by a single mom so yes it’s possible ❤️."

Regardless of their upbringings, Jissell and Aaron are choosing to parent their children differently.

A lot of men struggle more than we know.

For decades, women's liberation, Me Too and other movements have shed light on the reality of being a woman in a patriarchal society. As a result, we've all gained a better understanding of how women are impacted by sexism and have slowly but surely re-examined social norms that have negatively affected women throughout history.

What's often been overlooked, though, is how patriarchal norms negatively affect men as well. We know that men have been discouraged by society from sharing their feelings, but the notion that men don't open up because it's "unmanly" is also an oversimplification. Sure, there are men who don't know how to express their feelings, but there are also conscientious, emotionally available men who don't talk about the hard parts of being a man out loud because they don't want to overshadow women's concerns with their own. It's ironic that a sensitivity to women can get in the way of openly sharing the reality of being a man, but here we are.

A question posed on Reddit provided an invitation for men to open up with its unique framing: "What would women dislike most if they became men?" and men took the opportunity to share things that women might not realize they struggle with.


While there may be a temptation to compare these things to what women deal with, listening with compassion and an open mind goes a long way toward building understanding and empathy. Considering the fact that suicide rates among men are four times higher than women, we need more understanding because clearly a lot of men are struggling.

Here are some of the things men shared:

Trying to convince people you're not scary or creepy

Women are generally viewed as safe, while men are seen as potential threats. There are understandable reasons for that, but women may not realize how exhausting it is to try to navigate that as a man who genuinely isn't a threat. It hurts to know that people are automatically afraid of you.

"People being afraid of you for nothing you have done."

"Constantly worrying about not looking like a creep. Seriously, shit is exhausting. I’m a 5ft 10 inches, 225lbs, muscular black dude. I know damn well that that I’m probably the last person a woman(or anyone for that matter) wants to see walking behind them while they are alone at night.

I work in retail too so there’s times where I will walk around the store just to avoid walking behind women just to make them feel better.

Just to be clear, I’m not saying that women aren’t justified for being wary. I completely understand why they might feel that way but it just sucks constantly trying to make sure I don’t accidentally look like a creep."

man walking alone behind a busMen are automatically seen as a potential threat.Photo credit: Canva

"I’m 6’1, 265 lbs, brown, bald. No one has sat next to me on a bus in years. A child refused to sit next to me on a flight once and threw a tantrum about it. I ignored her the entire time. But oof that hurt. I cried watching Coco."

"Dude as a 6'2 fat dude with a beard I feel like being perceived as a creep is responsible for like 80% of my social anxiety, like I can't casually physically interact with anyone cause I'm scared of being called a creep."

"I’ll never forget the feeling of a loss of innocence when I was around 17yo and a woman grabbed her kid as I was walking towards my car (it looked like I was walking towards the kid who was in the general trajectory in the parking lot) and it dawned on me 'oh, I’m no longer seen as a child, I’m a potential threat now.' It was such a weird feeling."

Being viewed with suspicion around children

Women can say they love kids and show affection toward them without much of an eyebrow raise. But men who love children in pure and wholesome ways can't express that without people assuming or fearing they're a pedophile.

"People thinking you're a pedo when you're watching your own kid at the park."

"Being viewed with suspicion whenever I interact with children. Plenty of shitty things about being female, but that one is particularly sad for men."

"It's really sad, because children have this reckless abandon that is fun to watch. Running around and playing with no greater purpose in mind, just enjoying being alive without thinking about what's above and below.

I can't go to public parks without being looked at like I'm a predator, much less go anywhere where children are playing without the exact same vitriol but on steroids. Children are fun to watch, and I'm not there watching for some sick sexual thrill or to hurt anyone, I just like to be reminded that I once WAS one of those children not so long ago."

man playing with two small childrenDad playing with kidsPhoto credit: Canva

Being seen as the lesser parent

Much has been made of women often being the "default parent" who shoulders most of the mental burden of parenting. But a lot of that is social expectation, and even men who try to take on an equal share of parenting duties find that they're fighting an uphill battle to be treated as an equal parent.

"Being treated like a second rate parent even if you're the only parent."

"While signing up for a daycare I told them to call me first if our kids got sick. They said “weeee usuallyyyyyyy caaaaaaalll the mooommm fiiiiiirst…??” With a confirming look towards my wife.

I told them I wfh 5 minutes away and my wife is a teacher so if they want to waste their time calling my wife first go ahead but I’ll be (and am) usually the one to pick them up.

They still call my wife first."

"I was a stay at home dad. I told the teachers that when I met them at the beginning of the year. I was listed first in primary contacts. The number of times the school called my wife at work and then she called me so I could go pick up a sick kid was too high."

"ThEy LeTtInG yOu BaBySiT?"

"Whenever my wife is without our kid they're always asking who is watching him. Like I am. His father. He's not being babysat, he's not being watched, he's just at home with me. Foreign concept to so many people."

Alternatively, being seen as a hero for doing basic parenting things

On the flip side, a lot of men shared their bafflement at being venerated for doing very basic parenting things. While this may not seem like something to complain about, it's a bit infantilizing if you think about it.

"Sometimes I'm just chilling with my kids at the park and get told I'm the best dad ever. Like I'm doing the bare minimum right now ma'am. This is the floor of what I should be praised for, not the ceiling."

dad with baby in baby carrier at grocery storeDads go grocery shopping with kids, too.Photo credit: Canva

"When my sister had her kids her ex husband used to occasionally take his baby to work at the community college in a sling and lecture with the baby. He became totally famous on campus as the best dad ever and he was shared viral on local social media as being totally adorable Meanwhile she was just a mom with a baby, completely unremarkable. No praise, just general annoyance from strangers that she even had her baby out in public."

"I noticed this when I had custody of the kids after we separated. I was a freaking hero for attempting what millions of single moms have been doing forever. And it was in the eyes of women ( most men didn't care or notice) that my status was elevated while many of them were looking down their noses at the single mom's. Double standard for sure."

"Yeah I was going to say.. in the experience of me and one of my close friends, as a guy, the bar for being considered a great parent is disturbingly low."

The expectation to be an actual hero—and being seen as expendable

"Women and children first" has been a standard of emergency response forever, which isn't inherently bad but does send a message about the expendability of men. Imagine being told that your life is less valuable as a rule.

"If danger comes knocking, you have to answer the door while everyone else runs for the hills."

"I love how people are only outraged if women and children die. Like every dude aint also someone's son."

"Yup. If I’m a man dying, who cares. If I want a shred of sympathy, I have to describe myself as a husband, a father, or a provider."

"People see men as expendable."

"Off to the front lines you go."

"I learned from a thread a few weeks ago that women have no concept of this whatsoever. It hasn't even occurred to them that they could be considered more expendable than another person by default and they're offended that it would even be a possibility."

Men's lives are seen as expendable in some ways.Photo credit: Canva

A lack of compliments

Of course, there are women who don't feel like they get many compliments as well, but it appears to be a particular issue with men. Perhaps women compliment each other more, and men don't. Or perhaps it's that men misinterpret compliments as flirting too often, so women don't offer them to men as much.

"You may go a year or ten without a single compliment. Many men are laying in their casket before many good things are ever said about them."

"I had a woman complement my parallel parking skills 30 years ago, I can tell you when and where."

"So true, lmao. The last "real" compliment I got was 3 years ago (lmao) that too from my dad's (male) boss who said I've an amazing smile.

Well, unless my mom counts? I'm the most eligible bachelor in India as far as she's concerned. 😂"

"The whole thing is an ugly catch 22. Men think compliments are flirting because they don't get enough compliments, but women avoid complimenting them because they don't want them to think it's flirting."

The genuinely confusing messages about showing emotion

The common refrain is that men should show their emotions more and that women will respond positively to that. But in reality, many women have been as conditioned as men to view male emotion as weakness, and some respond accordingly.

"Crying in front of people has the exact opposite effect."

"'why don't you open up emotionally?'

Opens up emotionally

'I can't explain it, but I'm just, not attracted to you anymore.'"

"This one is real tho. You get shunned for not opening up, and you get shunned for opening up."

"I joined a support group for victims of something I'm not going to get into, but the amount of guys who had their wives/girlfriends abandon them or cheat on them almost immediately after a traumatic experience like a parent dying or being the victim of a violent crime was staggering. As soon as they showed emotion, 'weakness' and needing support themselves, it was all over for the relationship."

Many men feel like they can't show emotion even when they want to.Photo credit: Canva

"Yup. When I got the call that my dad's cancer had spread to his brain and was terminal, I was at work and started to cry. It wasn't a sob or ugly cry at all and I was trying to keep it together. Once my coworkers in the office noticed, they just quietly got up and walked into another room without saying anything. I tried to focus on my work and pull it together, but after about 3 minutes I was literally alone in the room. It was an open concept kind of office and there were about 15-18 desks in the room. Nobody said anything. Nobody asked if I was ok. They just got up a left.

About 15 minutes later the office manager asked if I needed to leave for the day because I was making other people uncomfortable. I heard at least one group of people joking about it on my way out.

I ended up quitting a couple of months later because everybody treated me completely different afterwards. I went from being the funny guy at work to the weird guy who cried at work."

There were some other things men shared that are worth taking a look at, but the bottom line is that there's genuine value in putting ourselves in other people's shoes. Just as women want men to understand what we deal with on a daily basis, men also have experiences and feelings that go unrecognized and unacknowledged. We all have a lot to learn and unlearn as we make our way toward gender equality, and truly understanding one another's realities is a vital step in that direction.


Modern Families

A comic from The Oatmeal illustrates how we're missing the mark on happiness

I do the things that are meaningful to me, even if they don't make me "happy."

By Matthew Inman/The Oatmeal. Used with permission.

How to Be Perfectly Happy


Matthew Inman is the Eisner Award-winning author of The Oatmeal. He's published six books, including New York Times Best-Sellers such as "How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You"and "The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances."He enjoys running marathons, writing comics, and eating cake.

You can read more of Matthew's comics here.




Comic by Matthew Inman/The Oatmeal. Used with permission.

























More comics from The Oatmeal:When your house is burning down, you should brush your teeth.



My dog: the paradox



It's going to be okay.

More comics from The Oatmeal:

It's going to be okay.


This article originally appeared on 12.02.16

Health

Please read this before you post another RIP on social media

There is a hierarchy of grief and it's important to know where you fall on it before posting about someone's death.

Image from GOOD.

Working through grief is a community thing.


Grieving in the technology age is uncharted territory.

I'll take you back to Saturday, June 9, 2012. At 8:20 a.m., my 36-year-old husband was pronounced dead at a hospital just outside Washington, D.C.

By 9:20 a.m., my cellphone would not stop ringing or text-alerting me long enough for me to make the necessary calls that I needed to make: people like immediate family, primary-care doctors to discuss death certificates and autopsies, funeral homes to discuss picking him up, and so on. Real things, important things, time-sensitive, urgent things.

At 9:47 a.m., while speaking to a police officer (because yes, when your spouse dies, you must be questioned by the police immediately), one call did make it through. I didn't recognize the number. But in those moments, I knew I should break my normal rule and answer all calls. "He's dead??? Oh my God. Who's with you? Are you OK? Why am I reading this on Facebook? Taya, what the heck is going on?"


Facebook? I was confused. I hadn't been on Facebook since the day before, so I certainly hadn't taken the time in the last 90 minutes to peek at the site.

"I'll call you back", I screamed and hung up. I called my best friend and asked her to search for anything someone might have written and to contact them immediately and demand they delete it. I still hadn't spoken to his best friend, or his godsister, or our godchild's parents, or a million other people! Why would someone post it to Facebook SO FAST?

While I can in no way speak for the entire planet, I certainly feel qualified to propose some suggestions — or, dare I say, rules — for social media grieving.

How many RIPs have you seen floating through your social media stream over the last month? Probably a few. Death is a fate that we will each meet at some point. The Information Age has changed the ways in which we live and communicate daily, yet there are still large voids in universally accepted norms.

This next statement is something that is impossible to understand unless you've been through it:

There is a hierarchy of grief.

Yes, a hierarchy. It's something people either don't understand or understand but don't want to think or talk about — yet we must.

There is a hierarchy of grief.

Hierarchy is defined as:

  1. a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority, and
  2. an arrangement or classification of things according to relative importance or inclusiveness.

What does this mean as it relates to grief? Let me explain. When someone dies — whether suddenly or after a prolonged illness, via natural causes or an unnatural fate, a young person in their prime or an elderly person with more memories behind them than ahead — there is one universal truth : The ripples of people who are affected is vast and, at times, largely unknown to all other parties.

A death is always a gut punch with varying degrees of force and a reminder of our own mortality. Most people are moved to express their love for the deceased by showing their support to the family and friends left behind.

In the days before social media, these expressions came in the form of phone calls, voicemail messages, and floral deliveries.

If you were lucky enough to be in close proximity to the family of the newly deceased, there were visits that came wrapped with hugs and tears, and deliveries of food and beverages to feed all the weary souls.

Insert social media. All of those courtesies still occur, but there is a new layer of grief expression — the online tribute in the form of Facebook posts, Instagram photo collages, and short tweets.

What's the problem with that? Shouldn't people be allowed to express their love, care, concern, support, and prayers for the soul of the recently deceased and for their family?

Yes.

And no.

Why? Because there are no established "rules," and people have adopted their own. This isn't breaking news, and you're not trying to scoop TMZ. Listen, I know you're hurt. Guess what? Me too. I know you're shocked. Guess what? Me too. Your social media is an extension of who you are. I get it. You "need" to express your pain, acknowledge your relationship with the deceased, and pray for the family.

Yes.

However...

Please give us a minute.

We are shocked.

We are heartbroken.

Give the immediate family or circle a little time to handle the immediate and time-sensitive "business" related to death. In the minutes and early hours after someone passes away, social media is most likely the last thing on their minds. And even if it does cross their mind, my earlier statement comes into play here.

There is a hierarchy of grief.

Please pause and consider your role and relationship to the newly deceased. Remember, hierarchy refers to your status and your relative importance to the deceased. I caution you to wait and then wait a little longer before posting anything. This may seem trivial, silly, and not worth talking about, but I promise you it isn't.

If the person is married, let the spouse post first.

If the person is "young" and single, let the partner, parents, or siblings post first.

If the person is "old" and single, let the children post first.

If you can't identify the family/inner circle of the person, you probably shouldn't be posting at all.

Do you get where I'm going with this?

In theory, we should never compare grief levels, cast the grief-stricken survivors into roles, or use words like status and importance. But maybe we need to at this moment (and for the next few weeks and months).

The "RIP" posts started hitting my timeline about an hour after my husband's death, and I certainly didn't start them. This created a sense of confusion, fear, anxiety, panic, dread, and shock for the people who knew me, too. What's wrong? Who are we praying for? Did something happen? Did someone pass? Why are there RIPs on your wall and I can't reach you? Call me please! What's going on?

That's a small sample of messages on my voicemail and text inbox. I had to take a minute in the midst of it all to ask a friend to post a status to my Facebook page on my behalf.

Your love and expressions of support are appreciated and needed, but they can also be ill-timed and create unintended additional stress.

The person is no less dead and your sympathy no less heartfelt if your post, photo, or tweet is delayed by a few hours. Honestly, the first couple of hours are shocking, and many things are a blur. Most bereaved people will be able to truly appreciate your love, concern, prayers, and gestures after the first 24 hours.

I've learned this from the inside — twice within the last four years. And I assure you that if we each adopted a little patience and restraint in this area, we would help those who are in the darkest hours of their lives by not adding an unnecessary layer of stress.

A few extra hours could make all the difference.


This article originally appeared on 05.07.19