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Health

Therapist praised for his empathetic assessment on why Gen-Z seems so apathetic

Perhaps the Gen Z stare deserves a lot more compassion than we're giving it.

@austincalo/TikTok

Therapist Austin Calo offers an empathetic take of the generation known for it's vacant stare.

We’ve all heard jokes about the “Gen Z stare,” and perhaps have even made a few jabs ourselves. But after hearing Texas-based therapist Austin Calo’s nuanced, empathetic take on why this generation often seems so apathetic, we might be moved to hold off on the wisecracks.

Calo, who regularly posts therapy content on his TikTok, recently went viral for sharing his observations about his Gen Z clients. The first thing he discussed was the collective “external locus of control.”

Calo explained this as a mindset of thinking “something is happening to you rather than you impacting it." He mainly attributed this to Gen Z entering adulthood during a global pandemic, which was obviously so disruptive and debilitating that many of us, Gen z or not, began to develop a nihilistic point of view.

@austincalo Empathizing with gen z #genz #mentalhealth #therapy ♬ original sound - austincalo

“Naturally, you would detach from the result and view yourself as relatively powerless,” he said.

Next, he brought up social media. Which, yes, we’ve talked at length about the negative impact social media’s mainstream presence has had on young adults especially, but Calo nonetheless offered some different insight.

He noted that the Internet, an omnipresent “faceless” place where one can easily be publicly humiliated, has not only exacerbated a “fear of being cringe,” but "shattered" a sense of real community. However, since we are still naturally hardwired to seek community, we do it digitally.

This is why Calo has seen so many Gen Zers “hyper-pathologizing” mental illness or clinging to a sexual identity online, because at least being “boxed” into a group provides some sense of belonging, however artificial. This of course adds unnecessary pressure to immediately carve out a brand of sorts rather than simply exist and explore.

@justpeers logging off (metaphorically I’m always logged in so more like “closing the app”) for the day #genz ♬ original sound - joan

“There's not a sense of openness to figure something out or that it'll come in time or later, there's this pressure to identify with something right now."

And yet, the possibly positive consequence of being chronically online, Calo noted, is that Gen Zers generally have higher media literacy. “They know what you're trying to do, they know you're trying to manipulate them, so there's a sense of, um, kind of collective resistance to, like, pandering, you know?"

Still, this higher media literacy doesn't necessarily protect Gen Z from being manipulated or marketed to, Calo argues. In fact, he says the odds are even higher of it happening, because being exposed to a catered ‘For You' page “wears you down over the course of time.”

@_thecurlycounselor #greenscreen gen-z characteristics explained in 60 sec 🤝 #genz #genzhumor #genzlife #genzvsmillenial #genzforchange #genztherapy #genzmentalhealth ♬ original sound - Miami Z | Therapist 🛋️

In essence, Gen Z’s detachment is mostly a trauma response, “[Be]cause it feels like something's asked of them all the time,” according to Calo.

Calo concluded, “I see these takes online of trashing Gen Z or, like, the Gen Z staring stuff. This is to help understand and empathize with a generation that feels totally powerless in the face of a polarizing political climate and being marketed to and politicized on social media, meaning being manipulated on social media through politics...and so I think it's helpful to have a sense of empathy rather than 'Oh, these kids...'"

Calo’s video, which garnered 2.7 millions views, clearly struck a chord with Gen Zers, who flooded the comments with thank you’s and shared how other factors, like climate change, politics, and the economy have impacted their mindset.

“Gen Z and I definitely feel like I don’t actually ‘exist’ in the world. I often feel like I’m observing life and not actively participating in it…I don’t really have any expectations for my future and have adopted a mentality of whatever happens, happens.”

“Also the environment! We grew up being told that we wouldn’t see our children grow up unless people made changes and then we had to watch those things just…not happen.”

“We are pretty powerless: failing economy, dying plenty, no no hope.”

“So many of us try to make a career like we were told but unless you were born with money it seems like a losing game. I have a degree and I don’t feel further along than I did four years ago.”

“Another thing I think is that a lot of Gen Z has found out about the human condition and how utterly disappointing life can be through political agendas and manipulation through media.”

And yet, Calo upholds his belief that, despite these warranted coping mechanisms, Gen Zers are "incredibly resilient and courageous.” They just have trouble seeing that strength within themselves. For that, Calo has a bit of advice, which he shared with Buzzfeed.

"Boldly challenge the voices in your head and incessantly trace them until you’ve found the source. All ideas have an origin,” he said. “We wear others’ ideas all the time…You might find your actual voice is far more encouraging, hopeful, self-assuring, and kind than you may believe."

He added, "Think of who has positively impacted your life and treat yourself the way they’ve treated you. You might find that you are worth that love and adoration after all."

Additionally, Calo told Upworthy that while he sees Gen Z nihilism as a perfectly valid form of self preservation, he encourages them to reframe how they see hope, so that it feels like a potential trap for pain.

"Hope does not cause tragedy, nor does it foresee an outcome. Its purpose is to make our present more tolerable. Many believe that when we hope and subsequently fail, we ought to feel humiliated and ashamed of ourselves for believing a positive result was possible. However, that outcome was in the cards whether we felt hopeful or not. Hope just made the experience better than it would have been otherwise. Hope doesn’t yield deeper failure; it mitigates it."

Lastly, though Calo recognizes economic security as necessary to contentment (making it disheartening that it's out of reach for so many) community is just as valuable, and far more "controllable." So, when in doubt— "create community. You won’t regret it."

Honestly, that sounds likes pretty good advice, no matter what age you are.

Keep up with Calo (including updates on his music!) on TikTok

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Parenting

Dad says this 20-minute bonding technique with daughter has made 'a huge difference' in their relationship

"Consciously doing this and being purposeful has been a game changer."

Image via Canva/Vasyl Domatov

Dad shares bonding technique that brought him closer to his daughter.

Building a strong parental bond between father and daughter is all about spending intentional time together. And for dads who work or have limited time during the days to spend with their daughters, the good news is that a strong relationship can be achieved in less than half an hour.

An enthusiastic dad shared about how a 20-minute bonding technique "made a huge difference" with his daughter on the Reddit thread, r/daddit. "I never really felt bonding and I even felt my child was a bit scared of me or just had a preferred parent. (Still does)," he explained. "But consciously doing this and being purposeful has been a game changer there's last 2 months when she turned 3."

The bonding technique comes from psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen, MD. Called "Special Time," the dad describes it as 20-30 minutes of engagement with a simple purpose: "To foster a stronger connection with children by providing undivided attention and positive interaction."

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"This is probably one of the most effective parenting strategies I've given parents, is spend 20 minutes a day with your child. Do something with them they wanna do," Dr. Amen explained in a video on "Special Time." "And during that time, no commands, no questions, no directions. It's just time."

Dr. Amen also adds that the benefits are endless. They include: increased closeness, improved communication, and a more positive relationship with the child.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Fellow dads weighed in on how it's helped their relationships with their kids thrive. "That kinda explains why my kiddos bonded so well with me over their mother. It's not something I've consciously done, just enjoyed doing. Usually after dinner we'll have a good 30 mins of dedicated playtime before bed," he wrote. "I mostly just used it as a way to get those last bits of energy on the day out. My daughter will just come up to me and say what she wants to do. 'Dada, chase' and we'll chase each other around the house, or 'Dada hide' obv is hide and seek. Which is hilarious with a 3 yo. Her idea of hiding at one point was laying as still as possible on the floor with her head in a diaper box."

Another dad added, "Yeah, being mindful of this and making time for it helps so much. I'm out of the house 55+ hours per week with work and my wife is SAHM, so he's way more attached to her than to me. But this morning I lay under a table in his room for like 30 minutes being the 'cupboard troll,' demanding he pays tolls to receive items from the cupboard."

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Dr. Amen's "Special Time" technique is "deceptively easy," parenting coach Keesha Scott, MS, tells Upworthy. "It works because kids don’t just want attention, they want attuned attention. When a parent sets everything else aside, the child feels deeply seen, and that sense of connection becomes the foundation of trust."

"Special Time" also lays a great foundation to build a secure attachment. "A secure attachment allows individuals to move forward in the world feeling safe, empowered, and confident," Reesa Morala, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of Embrace Renewal Therapy, tells Upworthy. "When you know that someone is in your corner with unconditional positive regard, your body is more willing to try new things and expand themselves because they know someone will be there to support and champion them."

For parents looking to try out "Special Time," it doesn't take much forethought. "That could mean playing a game, telling a story, or just sitting together in a way that feels relaxed. Some of the best moments don’t come from a planned 'session' at all," says Scott.

Morala adds, "Let them teach you a skill or a game. Get silly. Get creative. If you can involve movement, that will naturally get the endorphins (hormones that help with attachment bonds) flowing."

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Health

15 therapists share the simple, but profound, differences between their male and female clients

"Older men will often complain of physical pain when they really have depression."

via Canva/Photos

A therapist working with a couple.

Although it’s important not to stereotype people based on gender, therapists can’t dismiss the critical role it plays when working with clients. Whether it’s the way men and women are socialized, with men being more likely to repress their feelings and women being pushed into being people-pleasers. Or, if it's the fundamental genetic and hormonal differences that separate the sexes, therapists have to take gender into account when working with their clients.

The interesting thing is that, these days, there is a growing gender equality in mental health. For years, women were more likely to get help from a therapist, but the number of men looking to get help for their mental health has been on the rise. This change is essential given the fact that men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women.

Therapists gain a unique insight into human nature, so it’s interesting to learn the psychological differences they’ve noticed between the sexes. A Reddit user recently posed a question to the AskReddit subforum: “Therapists of Reddit, what are some differences you've noticed between male/female patients?” and the therapists shared the differences and similarities they’ve noticed.

It’s worth noting that for this article, non-binary people aren’t mentioned, because they weren’t highlighted in the Reddit discussion. But that doesn’t mean that their unique psychological profiles are any less important than those of men and women.

Here are 15 of the most intriguing differences that therapists have noticed between men and women.

1. Tough guy/Shocking girl

"I saw a lot of young men who really struggled and wanted help, but 'being cool/tough' was more important. If they felt vulnerable, they lashed out with inappropriate sexual or aggressive behavior. It was often really easy to see where young men learned that anger and violence would get them what they thought they wanted. The girls who struggled to be vulnerable would be avoidant, sarcastic, or try to shock me by telling me the awful things they had done or experienced."

2. Different delusions

"I was a therapist for people with psychosis and schizophrenia, if that counts? Men were more likely to have God delusions. (I am god, or God speaks to me). Women were more likely to have romance delusions. (Michael Jackson speaks to me, I'm Mary and I'm pregnant by a miracle.)"

3. Men don't choose therapy

"Men frequently schedule their first appointment because their wife or girlfriend strongly encouraged it. It’s more rare for them to reach out of their own volition."

therapy, psychologists, psychology, on the couch, men and therapy, male mental health A man talking with a therapist.via Canva/Photos

4. They open up in different ways

"For me, men opened up faster. The first visit or two might be super limited and then the floodgates open all at once. The women are more open at the start, but drop big details ways slower."

5. Older men and pain

"Older men will often complain of physical pain when they really have depression."

"Yeah, in the worst of my depression, it's felt as though my whole body is shutting down. Not sure how else to describe it."

6. Alexithymia

"Alexithymia was also much more common in males - that inability to identify emotions and therefore to explore them without professional support was absolutely crippling for many. (This was observed in session rather than as part of traditional/ structured research.)"

"I used to teach a social emotional learning module to young people (from about as young as kindergarten up to high school). It was just very basic stuff about how to recognize and manage your emotions in a healthy way. Half the time it was basic stuff like 'if you're angry, count to 10 instead of hitting your classmate.' We stopped offering it in part because so many dads got aggressive with our staff accusing us of essentially trying to 'make their sons gay.' Now I see the results of that sort of thinking all the time, adult men who filter everything through anger and aggression, or simply don't acknowledge or address their emotions."

therapy, mental health, psychology, psychologists, gender and psychology A woman receiving mental health help.via Canva/Photos

7. The train metaphor

"Men will whisper 'I’m not sure if I’m allowed to feel sad' after getting hit by a metaphorical train. Women will apologize to the train."

8. They're not really different

"I treat people with cooccurring substance abuse and mental health issues. After 20 years, I don’t think that I could really say. Everybody has underlying issues that drive behavior, so if they have trauma or a personality disorder or an anxiety disorder, everybody presents in a different way. It’s not really specific to gender. It’s based on your history, your coping skills, your insight and judgment into what’s going on."

9. Honesty vs. perfection

"My male clients come to therapy wanting solutions, action, structure, and for me (a woman) to tell it like it is. Over time, we almost always end up going very psychodynamic (lots of talking, open-ended guiding questions, raising awareness of relational/childhood stuff, behavioral patterns) and processing the deeper stuff that they didn't think was relevant or no one gave them space to talk about before.

My female clients are very high-performing, controlling, perfectionist, burned-out, and trying to perform therapy and healing in a perfect way. Over time, we end up working on self-acceptance, processing anger, boundaries, values-driven action, self-image, and raising consciousness on gender roles and capitalism. And actually feeling the emotions in addition to labeling and analyzing them."

10. They do breakups differently

"I work with a lot of college students and guys always take break-ups much harder and are more likely to cry about them."

"I heard a line from a comedian that made sense to me: 'Women take breakups so well because they breakup with you months before they tell you. That's why they want to be friends after. You're the dude that got her through her breakup with you.'"

therapist, female therapist, psychology, psychologist, mental health A therapist speaking with her client.via Canva/Photos

11. Safety vs. appreciation

"In most couples i saw as a therapist, the woman wants to feel emotionally safe while the guy wants to be appreciated for what hes doing. Also, most men don't seem to identify getting angry easily as emotional and only think crying is emotional. More men asked if they could be put on medication, and women preferred talk therapy."

12. Sense of self vs. sense of worth

"My male clients often struggle with their sense of self and masculinity, especially in relationships. There’s a lot of pressure tied to being the 'provider' or 'the emotional/stoic rock' in the relationship. Many were raised to believe that their value (or what they provide) is based on what they can materially/financially contribute, not on emotional presence. Vulnerability is often uncomfortable because they weren’t given the language or space to express it growing up.

With my female clients, I often see issues around self-worth, confidence, anxiety, people-pleasing, and difficulty expressing needs. Many grew up being taught to prioritize others and to equate self-sacrifice with goodness. That shows up in a lot of different ways, such as avoiding conflict, staying in unhealthy relationships too long, or struggling to set boundaries and enforce them."

13. Encouragement vs. attention

"I have learned that men need support and encouragement to thrive. Constant criticism is hard on a man; it causes him to lose his confidence, and in that situation, he has a hard time relating to his partner. Women, on the other hand, need attention. They need to feel seen and heard. They don't need to be understood as much as they need to feel heard. Women don't usually accept excuses. They want acknowledgment. When a woman is not feeling seen or heard. She doesn't feel loved and has a hard time relating to her partner."

therapy, psychologists, psychology, on the couch, men and therapy, male mental health A young man talking to a therapist.via Canva/Photos

14. Societal impacts on gender

"I've seen women whose life problems are frequently attributable to beliefs, events, and relationships that are derived from patriarchal society. Or women who struggle with making friends because they find it difficult to deal with the prevalence of social aggression in female friendships (particularly autistic women). Some also tend to overgeneralize their (reasonable) fear of what dangers men pose to them into avoidance of men, even when they want to be in a relationship. Some struggle with the attractiveness expectations towards women, either by failing to meet them and having the body image/self-esteem consequences, or by succeeding and then finding it difficult to navigate the consequent objectification by men (and women) in their lives.

In men, I've seen problems related to loneliness (lack of meaningful friendships), difficulties/disinterest in expressing emotions (to friends/partner), callousness in romantic relationships and views of women (likely encouraged by the manosphere internet), and fears of being a burden on society and their families (often reinforced by their wives or girlfriends' pressure on them). Some men's overgeneralized negative views of women (e.g., "they're too stupid/materialistic/shallow") lead to their problems in relationships across their families, friends, and partner."

15. Women get PTSD more often

"As a therapist, I also agree with this. At the end of the day, there were no inherent differences between genders in terms of the issues they were working on or how they approached therapy. The only slightly gender-skewed pattern I've noticed was in the frequency of PTSD diagnosis/symptomatology (more women). Differences between individuals that I've personally observed were more often related to other demographics than gender (such as cultural background for symptom presentation/approach to therapy: and age for the approach to therapy/therapeutic relationship part)."

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Mental Health

Feel like someone's gaslighting you? A 3-minute test can help you determine if they are.

Gaslighting is designed to confuse, and the signs aren't always super clear.

Photo by cottonbro studio/Pexels

Gaslighting can leave you feeling confused and unsure of yourself.

The term "gaslighting" has become a popular, everyday term, but there's still some confusion about what it means. Part of the reason is that the word has been misused so many times that the definition has become fuzzier. But another reason is that gaslighting itself is confusing for the person on the receiving end. Even if you know what gaslighting is, it's not always clear when or if it's happening to you.

To provide a brief explanation, gaslighting is a manipulation technique in which someone purposefully and maliciously makes someone question their reality. Abusers and narcissists will often use gaslighting to wear down their victims' sense of self as a means of establishing and maintaining control over them.

In a relationship, gaslighting can look like denying that something happened and telling the person they're crazy for how they're remembering it. It can look like flat-out lying about something the victim knows for sure to be true. It can look like invalidating someone's feelings and telling them they're overreacting. It can look like being cruel and then claiming it was just a joke or making the victim believe they're at fault for something the perpetrator did.

woman, gaslighting, confusion, frustration, abuse Woman looking tired and confused.Canva Photos.

Sometimes, however, people use gaslighting to describe basic disagreements or arguing from different perspectives, like simply saying, "That's not what happened," or "That's not how I remember it." Actual gaslighting is intentional in its impact on the victim. People can have different memories of how something happened and disagree vehemently, but if a person isn't purposely trying to alter someone's sense of reality, it's not gaslighting.

Similarly, telling someone to calm down and not take things personally may not be a sensitive way to respond to a person who's upset, but it doesn't automatically equate to gaslighting, either. Gaslighting requires a malicious intent to manipulate and control.

As Dr. Robin Stern, author of the book The Gaslight Effect (2007) describes gaslighting on Psychology Today:

"Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one person’s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality. Gaslighting can happen between two people in any relationship. A gaslighter preserves his or her sense of self and power over the gaslightee, who adopts the gaslighter’s version of reality over their own."

Gaslighting also isn't confined to a one-time event, but is more a a pattern of behavior. The gaslighter's repeated distortions and denials wear the victim down over time, making them doubt themselves and question their reality. That's part of what makes it hard to spot from the inside, since someone being gaslit is likely to question whether it's really happening.

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If you detect an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, it's important to seek professional help from therapist, especially if you suspect gaslighting may be at play. But having a tool to clarify what you're experiencing and help determine what kind of help is needed can be useful.

Psychology Today offers a 20-question online self-test to help you assess whether gaslighting might be a problem in your relationship. The test takes about three minutes and includes statements like "This person makes me feel like I'm unstable," "This person tells me that other people are not trustworthy," and "I choose my words carefully when I'm with this person." After responding to each statement with one of five answers ranging from Always to Never, the test tells you how likely it is that gaslighting is an issue in that relationship based on your answers. Possible outcomes include no signs, few signs, some signs, strong signs or very strong signs of gaslighting.

The test results page also provides more detail about what gaslighting is, things to watch out for so you can spot it, and tips for what to do if you are being gaslit in you relationship.

"The healthiest course of action, in most cases, is to end the relationship or significantly reduce contact," the site states. "Leaving a gaslighting relationship is challenging but possible. Confrontation is rarely effective; instead, trust your instincts, gather evidence, reduce or cut off contact, and seek help from friends, family, or a therapist."

therapy, therapist, professional help, gaslighting, mental health Therapy session.Canva Photos.

Find the Psychology Today gaslighting self-test here. (And if you need a therapist to help you with your relationship struggles, you can search by location, insurance, and specialty on the website's "Find a Therapist" database of providers here.)

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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gaslighting

Mental Health

22 people share the most eye-opening things their therapist told them that they've never forgotten

"40 years of therapy and those 4 words still resonate with me."

Image via Canva

People share the most impactful things a therapist has said to them.

Good mental health is often achieved with the help of a therapist. Therapists can be an incredible resources for getting additional support during hard times, overcoming challenges, or looking to change patterns. Their words and insights can lead to breakthroughs, realizations, and stick with you for years to come.

So when the question "What's one thing a therapist has said to you that you will never forget?" was asked in a discussion among people who have gone to therapy, many decided to get vulnerable and share the most meaningful things they've been told by a therapist.

These are 22 of the most inspiring, gut-wrenching, and impactful words and pieces of advice that people took away from their therapy sessions that changed their lives.

1. "'Is the relationship you have now, the relationship you'd want for your children?' (to which I had a fast and almost visceral response) and she went on to say 'because this relationship will be the one their subconscious uses as the prime example of what they accept later in life.'" – Sarkasmic_Trix

2. "'Be kind to yourself.' 40 years of therapy and those 4 words still resonate with me." – ScottishWidow64

3. "You are not responsible for other people's happiness. You can contribute to it, but you are not ultimately responsible for someone else being happy or not." – Shot_Razzmatazz5560

happy, happiness, therapy, counsel, mental health Happy Duck Dynasty GIF by DefyTVGiphy

4. "'Your thoughts are scarier than the real thing.'" – NewsgramLady

5. "Not everyone is going to like you." – Accomplished-Leg8461

6. "When we are growing and developing, the animal part of our brain that ensures our survival is hard wired to tune into our protectors. Parental disapproval stokes fear of death, basically. That is why I absolutely panic when someone is angry with me. That helped me break that circuit and rewire my brain." – SueBeee

7. "Give yourself permission. When you have a permission slip, it makes it physically easier to do what you need to do for yourself and let go of feelings that get in the way. She literally made me get out sticky notes and write things like: 'I give myself permission to let go of guilt. I give myself permission to have the wedding I want. I give myself permission to not be responsible for my mother.'" – iris_cat1313

Permission, therapy, notes, mental health, therapist tv land permission GIF by YoungerTVGiphy

8. "'Analyzing and researching are also avoidance tactics to avoid feeling.'" – Gallumbits42

9. "I was struggling with trying to 'save' my adult daughter dealing with substance use disorder. I was allowing her to live with me and she wasn’t working or improving. I was reluctant (read codependent) to let her go and kick her out because maybe she’d be homeless. Maybe her life would get worse. After months of this, my therapist looked at me in the eye and said: 'Who made you god? Why do you think you have the power to save her?' And that’s when it hit me. I had no control over the situation. I had to let her go. I kicked her out in 2023. Today she’s doing well. Sober, working and heading back to college. ❤️" – YellowFirestorm

10. "As my ex was gaslighting, insulting me, being an all around terrible person to me saying the most awful things about me to me and the kids my therapist told me, 'You can consider him an unreliable narrator.' That helped me with perspective." – ithinksotoomaybee

11. "After sharing some work updates and just needing a sounding board to see if I was overreacting or not: 'I’m going to take my therapist hat off for one second, that’s absolutely f*cked up, ok hat back on'." – Vrey

therapy, therapist, mental health, counseling, help Hbo Therapy GIF by SuccessionHBOGiphy

12. "After 2 months of marriage counseling my therapist said that things were not going to get better and that my husband was not a diamond in the rough he was a piece of coal and even if he wanted and participated in therapy he was never going to get well in this lifetime." – Puzzleheaded_Gear622

13. "After I broke up with my ex, he said 'Thank god, now you don't need therapy anymore'. Was literally our last session." – Aggravating_Pick_951

14. "Regarding looking for love from certain family members, she said, 'It's like a child going to the pantry looking for food, but they're isn't any. It's okay for that child to keep going back to that same pantry looking for food (even if there isn't any) because they don't know any better. But now that you're grown, you may need to accept that there will never be food in that pantry. You need to look for a different pantry.'" – MikeOxmaul

Empty pantry, advice, therapy, therapist, help Hungry Thanksgiving GIF by Looney TunesGiphy

15. "'So you're an orphan.' (Both parents had died by my age of 46)." – AGPym

16. "That sometimes we feel guilt or anger when the real feeling is helplessness. Sometimes it's easier to feel like we failed instead of realizing we had no power over it at all." – OhNever_Mind

17. "'These are feelings, not facts.'" – SweetSweet_Jane

feelings, facts, therapist, therapy, counsel Feelings Feels GIF by WE tvGiphy

18. "'Their intent nor if they are consciously choosing to hurt you is what matters. Are they hurting you? Do you want it to continue? That is what matters.'" – Sarkasmic_Trix

19. "'Enabling can sometimes disguise itself as good intentions.'" – naughtytinytina

20. "When discussing past drug use, we talked about how I maintained sobriety throughout both pregnancies. She asked why, nobody forced me to. I said it was the right thing to do. Then she says 'if you can do the right thing for others, why can’t you do it for yourself?' Good question, Casey. Been thinking about that one a lot, even now. It’s helped me work on my self destructive behaviors, helped me prioritize my own needs, and helped me maintain my sobriety now." – Pure_Preference_5773

sobriety, mental health, therapy, therapist, advice, counsel Sobriety GIF by Lady GagaGiphy

21. "Two things: 'I think it’s time you talk to your doctor'. (my situational depression was progressing to a point of no return, and it was time to be medicated. I went to my doctor that day. My therapist saved my life). 'You’re going to be OK.' She said it so calmly and with such confidence. I believed her. And she was right." – Numerous_Office_4671

22. "'You get to define what "family" means.'" – TrueBelievingMoron

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Pop Culture

Therapist shares 11 gaslighting tactics Rapunzel's mom used in Disney's 'Tangled'

Mother Gothel is the mother of all gaslighters.

Image credit: Cinema Therapy/YouTube

Mother Gothel's gaslighting of Rapunzel badly messed with her head.

If you've never been a victim of serious gaslighting, count yourself fortunate. Few experiences are as confusing and disturbing as a narcissist making you doubt your reality, question your judgment, and believe you can't trust your own mind. Gaslighting messes with you psychologically, making you feel more and more dependent on the gaslighter, but all the while what they're doing is giving you their own version of reality.

For a perfect example of what gaslighting looks like, look no further than Mother Gothel, Rapunzel's mom (but not really) in "Tangled." In a popular episode of Cinema Therapy, licensed therapist Jonathan Decker and filmmaker Alan Seawright give examples of how Gothel gaslights Rapunzel throughout the film. Going through a list of 11 red flags of gaslighting from psychologist Dr. Stephanie Sarkis from psychologist Dr. Stephanie Sarki s, they explain how Mother Gothel hits the mark on each one.

Gothel may be an extreme case, but seeing examples from a well-known character helps us to see how these tactics might play out in a relationship in real life. "Her whole strategy is to get Rapunzel to question her own sanity, her own reason, her own judgment," says Decker, and that's exactly what gaslighting does to victims.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Here are 11 tactics gaslighters use and how Mother Gothel exemplifies them.

1. Telling blatant lies.

From the get go, we see Mother Gothel telling Rapunzel things that are just objectively not true. For example, she greatly exaggerates the dangers of the outside world in the song "Mother Knows Best."

"Mother Gothel is constantly lying to Rapunzel, telling her she's worthless, telling her she can't do things, belittling her, making her feel like less than, like she won't be able to survive outside," says Seawright.

2. Denying that they lie, even if you have proof.

Gothel tells Rapunzel that she'll be able to leave the tower once she's old enough, smart enough, mature enough, but every time Rapunzel tries to bring it up, she puts her off. Ultimately, though, Gothel pronounces, "You are not leaving this tower, ever!" And Rapunzel isn't allowed to argue.

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

"They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits," writes Sarkis." They attack the very foundation of your being." Decker demonstrates how in "Mother Knows Best" Mother Gothel decimates Rapunzel's looks, intelligence, character—basically everything about her. Look how she describes Rapunzel in the song: "Sloppy, underdressed, immature, clumsy…gullible, naive, positively grubby, ditzy and a bit vague…plus, I believe, gettin' kind of chubby."

4. They wear you down over time.

Rapunzel has spent her entire life in a tower with no one to talk to but Mother Gothel, being fed nothing but Gothel's version of reality. "So no wonder when she actually leaves the tower she goes a little bonkers and questions her own sanity, her own reason, her own judgment," says Decker.

5. Their actions don't match their words.

Mother Gothel regularly tells Rapunzel that she loves her the most. "But what she actually means is 'I love controlling you the most,'" says Seawright. "She won't let her be reunited with her real family, and she keeps her from experiencing real love."

6. They use positive reinforcement to confuse you.

Few people would stay with a person who mistreated them all the time, so gaslighters mix it up with praise and love bombs. "The very person who is attacking you, just ripping into your identity, is now the person who's praising you, building you up. And it's confusing as heck." Mother Gothel will butter up and praise Rapunzel when it serves her, and then turn around and berate her.

7. They know that confusion weakens people.

"Our natural tendency is to try to find a person that makes us feel the most stable," says Seawright. "And in this case when it's the gaslighter, you're pretty much out of luck." He uses the example of when Rapunzel wants to go see the lanterns, not knowing what they are, and Mother Gothel says she's just talking about the stars. That and the "Mother Knows Best" song are meant to confuse and make her feel like she can't trust her own judgment so that she remains completely reliant upon Gothel.

8. They project.

Seawright points out that when she's denigrating Rapunzel in "Mother Knows Best," it's actually concerns about herself that she's just projecting onto Rapunzel. Gaslighters will often accuse you of things they are doing, which makes you feel like you need to defend yourself even if you didn't do anything wrong.

9. They try to turn people against you.

Mother Gothel didn't have direct access to Flynn Rider, so she couldn't really try to turn him against Rapunzel. Instead, she sweet-talked and convinced the Stabbington Brothers to help her with her diabolical plan to get Rapunzel back into her grip. She may not have gotten to Flynn, but she made Rapunzel believe that he had turned against her, which is good enough.

10. They paint you or others as crazy.

Sarkis calls this a gaslighter's "master technique." If they can get you to question your own sanity, it's less likely that others will believe you. Mother Gothel is constantly telling Rapunzel that she can't trust her own mind. ("Rapunzel, that's demented," she says dismissively when Rapunzel thinks Flynn likes her, which he does.)

11. They say everyone else is lying.

A gaslighter will tell you that people are talking about you or show you a text taken out of context to make it appear that other people can't be trusted and make you believe that no one is on your side but them. "They tell you, 'everyone else is a liar,'" says Seawright. "It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the correct information, which of course, isn’t correct information at all."

Thankfully, Rapunzel starts to figure out what Mother Gothel is doing when she makes it seem like Flynn has betrayed her.

Unfortunately, recovering from an entire childhood of narcissist gaslighting takes more time than the end of a Disney film to recover from, but such is the limitation of a children's film. Decker concludes the episode by sharing tips for dealing with gaslighting in real life, though—definitely worth checking out.

Find more analysis of movies, characters, and mental health on the Cinema Therapy channel on YouTube.

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Myth-destroying therapist explains why it's 'loving' for couples to go to bed angry

Love isn't that simplistic.

via Polina Zimmerman

A couple arguing before bedtime.

Just about everyone who has been married has been told countless times by older, more experienced couples that one of the most essential rules is, “Don’t go to bed angry.” They swear it’s best for a relationship to hash out the disagreement before bed and ensure it’s resolved before anyone gets any shut-eye.

That advice makes a lot of sense. It’s hard to get to sleep after fighting with your significant other. The argument keeps playing over and over again in your head. You may be angry. You may be hurt. That’s a bad position to be in, if you need to get your 40 winks.

However, making a big problem solvable by the time we go to bed is like watching a big family problem get fixed in 23 minutes on a sitcom. It's just not realistic. Some issues deserve more thought and conversation.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University and a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, recently made the case that it’s “loving” to go to bed angry in the caption of a myth-busting Instagram post.

See on Instagram

Dr. Solomon is also the host of the “Reimagining Love Podcast,” where she challenges some of the questionable messages we’re given about love and relationships.

“I’ve been a couples therapist for over a quarter of a century and I’m here to remind you that it’s OK to go to bed mad,” she wrote in the caption of a viral Instagram post. She adds that it can be “loving” to go to bed angry under the following circumstances:

You’re exhausted.
You don’t have privacy.
You’ve been drinking or using drugs
It’s late and you’re talking in circles
One of both of you has a big day tomorrow
You have little kids who’ll be up at the ass crack of dawn needing pancakes
You’re at risk of saying or doing something that you’ll regret because you’re upset and exhausted

couple fight, go to bed angry, conflict resolution A couple fighting before bed.via Sasint/Pixabay

However, she also shared 5 reasons when it’s not OK to go to bed angry:

Not every night, not even lots of nights.⁣
Not to prove a point.⁣
Not to get the upper hand.
Not to punish your partner
Not to show your partner what a jerk they are

Dr. Solomon says being tired makes us more likely to make extreme arguments and be more hostile than when we are well-rested. She believes that when couples go to bed angry, they should do so consciously with their partners by calling a “time out” on the argument and acknowledging the difficult situation.

“This is a really hard conversation,” or “I think we both feel pretty hurt and misunderstood,” you could say before tabling the discussion for the following day. You can also perform a loving gesture, such as getting your partner a glass of water or squeezing their foot before bed to let them know you are still safe.

Relationship myths such as “don’t go to bed angry” can become a real problem for couples who fail to live up to what’s seen as the relationship gold standard. When couples violate the relationship commandment and go to bed angry, they blame themselves when really, they’re not doing anything wrong. Conflict is natural. So is being tired.

That’s why Dr. Solomon’s myth-busting, Disney-did-us-wrong approach is so important.

"We grow up on this study stream of fairytales, song lyrics and romantic comedies that give us a view of love that is simplistic and unrealistic," says Dr. Solomon told Parade. "Then, when we bump into problems and challenges in our own lives, we end up feeling like we are the problem, rather than the myths being the problem."

cvouple fight, conflict resolution, relationships A couple fighting before bed.via RDNE Stock project/Pexels

Ultimately, relationships are complex, and myths such as “don’t go to bed angry” and the “happily ever after” story we’re told as children give us a false impression about what love and true partnership are all about. Then, when we fail to meet those expectations, we find fault in ourselves and our partners.

"Going to bed mad is painful enough on its own," Dr. Solomon says. "It feels lonely. It feels yucky. To add another layer of shame—[that] somehow this is wrong, I'm wrong, you're wrong, we're wrong—makes a hard thing harder."

Dr. Solomoan wants us all to realize that relationships are complex. So there’s nothing wrong with giving each other a break and sleeping on it for a night.

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