Parenting is tough.
Every parent has been there. We've all lost our temper before — yelled, screamed, stomped out of a room. We're low on sleep, low on self-care and quiet time, and highly stressed out. Remember when the Surgeon General declared an official advisory over the deteriorating mental health of America's parents? Yeah, it's safe to say a lot of us are just barely keeping it together most of the time.
So yes, while yelling and screaming at your kids is almost never a productive thing to do, all that frustration and stress is bound to come out eventually when they start pushing our buttons.
One new dad recently shared a relevant confession on Reddit: He had screamed at his toddler and was feeling horrible guilt. The post read:
"2.5 YO son has been sleeping terribly for weeks after FINALLY starting to sleep through the night...and after being awake for an hour and a half for no reason tonight, he wanted to turn on his big lamp. I said no and he lost it, so I ripped the cord out of the wall, yanked it out of his hand and threw it in his closet. I screamed at him 'you don't need your light, it's night night time' while he cried hysterically.
"The way my wife looked at me and then my kid running to his playroom because I scared him...I feel like shit. I even tried to calm down and read a book with him and he pulled the blanket off of me and said 'daddy go away,'" he wrote. The gut-wrenching guilt in the OP's story struck a serious chord with the members of the subreddit r/Daddit.
Other parents in the thread were quick to pick this dad up.
Photo by Ryan Snaadt on Unsplash
Seriously, what parent can't relate to this story?
If I stop to think about the times when I've been the most upset and disappointed in myself, it's been when I haven't handled stress and frustration well in front of my kids. It's a horrible feeling. I've felt embarrassed, and even stupid, for losing my temper. I'm supposed to be the adult, and here I am yelling at a two-year-old? You just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and stew in the shame and disgust.
Luckily, many of the commenters had felt the same thing, and hundreds of people chimed in with words of encouragement:
"It happens. Apologize to him. He learns that adults make mistakes too and that they apologize for them. Especially important (in my opinion) for a son to see his dad apologize and own his emotions/behaviors. We all make mistakes. And honestly, it will probably happen again. Just keep working to be the best you can be. It's tough. And he still loves you. Trust me."
"I've been a dad for a little over 21 years. I'm a much better dad now than I was in 2003 because of small, incremental, and daily lessons. A willingness to be wrong and being open to change are extremely important. It's okay to mess up and okay to apologize to our kids. The mistake isn't important, what we do next is."
"Been there many times. It's tough. I know I'm still a great dad and so are you."
"Oh man, been there. Believe it or not, it's s good thing that you feel bad, it shows that you know better and that you're a good dad. Guess what? Tomorrow you get a chance to do better. We all get it wildly wrong at times, this won't be your last one either. Apologise now, look forward to doing better later."
"Show me a parent who has never done this to some extent, and I'll show you a liar."
Experts agree that when we makes mistakes and lose control of our emotions, these can be great teachable moments for everyone in the family. But only if you handle it right.
Photo by Caleb Jones on Unsplash
I reached out to Dr. Caroline Fenkel, Chief Clinical Officer and Co-Founder at Charlie Health, for advice on how parents can handle it when they don't do a good job wrangling their anger in front of the kids:
She says that step one is to own your behavior and apologize like a grown-up.
"First, own your behavior. Acknowledge to your child that you lost your cool and explain why, in simple and age-appropriate terms: 'I got frustrated because I was running late, but yelling wasn’t the right way to handle it.' This helps children understand that strong emotions are normal but must be managed."
How you apologize and smooth things over with your kiddo is so critically important because you're modeling so many great lessons for him.
"Second, model how to make amends," Fenkel says. "Saying, 'I’m sorry for yelling. I didn’t mean to scare you,' shows children how to take accountability for mistakes and repair relationships. It’s also helpful to outline what you’ll do differently next time: 'Next time, I’ll take a deep breath and use my calm voice."
"Moments like these are opportunities to teach emotional regulation. You’re showing your child that it’s okay to have emotions and make mistakes, but taking responsibility and working to improve is also essential. This can help them feel less ashamed of their mistakes and more confident about repairing missteps in their relationships."
Yelling and screaming don't help tough situations, but slipping up occasionally does have the silver lining of helping your kid learn how to better regulate their own emotions.
The dads of Reddit also shared a few of their own tips for avoiding boiling over.
One dad recommended "tagging out" with your spouse when you feel frustration building:
"The strategy I’ve learned is to simply tell my wife I’m going to lose my shit. That way I’m voicing my anger in a calm way that doesn’t affect the kid, and she knows to take over and be a calming influence. She appreciates this strategy, it’s much better than me actually losing it."
And if you're having trouble keeping your cool during tantrums:
"Something that helped me, was advice/re-framing from my therapist (who also works with kids): they need to have tantrums. They need to let it burn out of them. Accepting that is the case, and it will not last forever, makes it easier to tolerate (for me). Our jobs as parents is to keep them safe, not necessarily stop the tantrum/emotion/breakdown. Just keep them safe and be there for them. They will work through a lot of it themselves."
An expert I've worked with had a similar strategy that's really helped me keep from losing my temper: Just ignore the tantrums! Keep your kids safe, keep them from hurting themselves or others, but otherwise, don't give attention-seeking behavior any oxygen and let it burn out on its own. Intervening and trying to stop it just makes it worse and makes your frustration levels skyrocket.
At the end of the day, kids are extremely forgiving and sweet when you own up to your mistakes. They still love you, I promise — even if you yelled.
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An Irish woman went to the doctor for a routine eye exam. She left with bright neon green eyes.
It's not easy seeing green.
Did she get superpowers?
Going to the eye doctor can be a hassle and a pain. It's not just the routine issues and inconveniences that come along when making a doctor appointment, but sometimes the various devices being used to check your eyes' health feel invasive and uncomfortable. But at least at the end of the appointment, most of us don't look like we're turning into The Incredible Hulk. That wasn't the case for one Irish woman.
Photographer Margerita B. Wargola was just going in for a routine eye exam at the hospital but ended up leaving with her eyes a shocking, bright neon green.
At the doctor's office, the nurse practitioner was prepping Wargola for a test with a machine that Wargola had experienced before. Before the test started, Wargola presumed the nurse had dropped some saline into her eyes, as they were feeling dry. After she blinked, everything went yellow.
Wargola and the nurse initially panicked. Neither knew what was going on as Wargola suddenly had yellow vision and radioactive-looking green eyes. After the initial shock, both realized the issue: the nurse forgot to ask Wargola to remove her contact lenses before putting contrast drops in her eyes for the exam. Wargola and the nurse quickly removed the lenses from her eyes and washed them thoroughly with saline. Fortunately, Wargola's eyes were unharmed. Unfortunately, her contacts were permanently stained and she didn't bring a spare pair.
- YouTube youtube.com
Since she has poor vision, Wargola was forced to drive herself home after the eye exam wearing the neon-green contact lenses that make her look like a member of the Green Lantern Corps. She couldn't help but laugh at her predicament and recorded a video explaining it all on social media. Since then, her video has sparked a couple Reddit threads and collected a bunch of comments on Instagram:
“But the REAL question is: do you now have X-Ray vision?”
“You can just say you're a superhero.”
“I would make a few stops on the way home just to freak some people out!”
“I would have lived it up! Grab a coffee, do grocery shopping, walk around a shopping center.”
“This one would pair well with that girl who ate something with turmeric with her invisalign on and walked around Paris smiling at people with seemingly BRIGHT YELLOW TEETH.”
“I would save those for fancy special occasions! WOW!”
“Every time I'd stop I'd turn slowly and stare at the person in the car next to me.”
“Keep them. Tell people what to do. They’ll do your bidding.”
In a follow-up Instagram video, Wargola showed her followers that she was safe at home with normal eyes, showing that the damaged contact lenses were so stained that they turned the saline solution in her contacts case into a bright Gatorade yellow. She wasn't mad at the nurse and, in fact, plans on keeping the lenses to wear on St. Patrick's Day or some other special occasion.
While no harm was done and a good laugh was had, it's still best for doctors, nurses, and patients alike to double-check and ask or tell if contact lenses are being worn before each eye test. If not, there might be more than ultra-green eyes to worry about.