Michael Ian Black said boys are broken. These 5 teens are ready for a new masculinity.
"If you want to be 'man enough,' you don't cry. You can't show pain. You can't show upset."
These are the messages teen boys are getting from our society, as revealed in an interview with NBC's Stephanie Ruhle. She sat down with five teens aged 13 to 17 to talk about what it means to grow up as boys and men in the U.S.
The interview, aired on March 25, was partially inspired by a New York Times op-ed by actor Michael Ian Black published in February. In "The Boys Are Not All Right," Black describes our society’s culture of masculinity and how it’s affecting boys:
"Too many boys are trapped in the same suffocating, outdated model of masculinity, where manhood is measured in strength, where there is no way to be vulnerable without being emasculated, where manliness is about having power over others. They are trapped, and they don't even have the language to talk about how they feel about being trapped, because the language that exists to discuss the full range of human emotion is still viewed as sensitive and feminine."
Black explained in the Sunday segment that boys are the ones pulling the trigger in almost all mass shootings. In fact, 94% of mass shootings have been carried out by men (about 50% of whom have histories of domestic violence).
"Most boys are going to grow up and never ever commit acts of violence like this," Black pointed out. "But I feel confident in saying most boys would also rather starve to death in their homes than ask their male friend for help shoveling their driveway. This rigid model of masculinity — it's killing us."
Michael Ian Black speaking in North Hollywood in May 2017. Photo by Emma McIntyre/Getty Images.
Our society tells boys that they need to "man up" — but no one really knows what that means.
The teens interviewed seem to confirm Black's analysis. When Ruhle asked them which of them has been told to "man up," all five boys immediately raised their hands.
When asked what it means, one teen responded, "No clue." Another said, "Show no emotion."
Ruhle asked what they felt was the hardest part about growing up as boys. 17-year-old Jordany Robleto-Baltazar responded, "Hiding the pain."
Ty Duggins, 13, replied, "Not being able to express yourself."
"It kind of makes you feel trapped, almost," added Tyler Gamett, 15, "because it’s like you have nowhere to go."
Boys don't know how to seek comfort from each other — or how to offer it without embarrassment.
Dr. Niobe Way, professor of developmental psychology at NYU, also offered some thoughts in the segment, noting that all kinds of emotional challenges hit boys right about the time they're being told to "man up."
"Not needing other people — that is at the root of masculinity," Way told NBC. "And if you look at all the school shooters, including the one at Parkland, every single one of them has said in some way that they feel desperate for connection."
Dylann Lippiatt-Cook, 16, spoke about feeling like he shouldn't cry, even though he knows it's a normal way to express human emotion. "It's normal, but it's not normal," he said. "It is human, but it is not 'man.'"
Mourners embrace at a vigil for Parkland shooting victims. Photo by Rhona Wise/Getty Images.
Robleto-Baltazar described an incident where a friend he was with started crying. He didn't know what to do. He'd never been confronted with having to comfort a guy friend in that way.
The friend finally said, "I think I just need a hug," so Robleto-Baltazar hugged him. Then afterward, they looked at each other and said, "We are never going to say anything to anyone."
Still, there might just be hope for our boys — especially if they ask for help.
At this point in the video, I just wished I could hug these teenagers!
Despite the historical gender inequality women have had to put up with, at least we're allowed to have and express our feelings. I'm raising a son and doing my best to counteract the societal forces that create an unhealthy sense of masculinity — but it's not easy.
These boys struck me as being pretty aware of their own conditioning, and, obviously, they were able to express how it's affected them. But they still struggle with the stigma of showing emotion.
At the end of the interview, Ruhle asked the boys, "How can we make things easier for you?"
"I think it starts with kids," said Jake Hillerman, 17. "Teach them about expressing yourself without viewing it as a wrong."
Gamett made it sound easy: "Get rid of the old stereotypes that we have in our society of a 'manly figure.'"
As difficult as it is to hear that boys in our society are struggling, these teens' self-awareness gives me hope. And I'm seeing more and more men talking about this stuff openly and without shame.
For example, in addition to Michael Ian Black's op-ed, actor Justin Baldoni recently brought together a group of other celebrity men to film a new show discussing what it means to be a man. They tackle vulnerability, body image, emotional expectations, and more.
"We Are Man Enough" serves as a wonderful example to young men who yearn for more emotionally open relationships with other men.
The boys may not be all right now, but as a mom of a boy who's trying to break through old ideas of manhood, this changing culture of masculinity makes me confident that they'll get there.
There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
A woman in black long sleeve shirt stands in front of mirror.
Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."