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Family

Frustrated dad says doctors treating men as 'clueless dads' needs to end

"I should ask mom, Dads never know."

man holding a baby talking to a doctor

It's assumed that dads don't know anything about their kids.

We've come a long way toward gender equality in the past century, but there's still a lot of room for improvement, especially when it comes to shared parenting roles.

Even in households where couples try for equitable distribution of responsibilities, one parent generally ends up as the "default parent"—the one who keeps track of things like clothing sizes and routine appointments and the one people look to first when they need to ask a question. Most of the time, moms are viewed as the default parent, whether or not that's actually the reality. And on the flip side of that, dads are often assumed to be disengaged and clueless about their kids.

A story shared by a dad on Reddit who shared a story about being dismissed by doctors during an emergency room visit highlights this issue:


"Went to the emergency with my son and wife, he had an emergency food allergic reaction. Dr comes in and looks at us both and says 'Mom come out and fill this paperwork, probably know more than Dad.' While my wife was out of the room filling out paperwork a different Dr came up with a medical wristband and asked me to check if the info was correct. Before I could finish checking the spelling of his name he pulled it back stating 'I should ask mom, Dads never know.' I do know everything though."

His frustration is understandable. This is a dad who is involved, engaged and knowledgeable about his kids. It's not okay for someone to just assume he wouldn't know anything. At the same time, there's a reason for the assumption, as unjust as it feels for this father.

Medical professionals explained that dads not knowing their kids' information is a genuine problem

For responsible dads, this may be a hard pill to swallow, but according to doctors, nurses and other medical professionals, the stereotype of the clueless dad is alarmingly close to reality. A lot of dads don't know their kids' birth dates, full name spelling or important health information like allergies. In fact, some doctors shared that a surprising number of men don't even know anything about their own health history or conditions, instead relying on their wives to keep track of those things.

"I work in a medical field. I never assume the father knows nothing and I’ve met many fathers who were involved and knew all the relevant information. But I’ve also met fathers who genuinely didn’t know their kid’s birthday or when their last check up was or if they had any allergies. I’ve also met fathers who looked at me like I was mad for expecting them to know this. I’ve only ever met one mother like that."

"ER nurse here. Although it's unacceptable for them to assume dad is clueless, I understand why they do it. I can't tell you how many kids I've checked in with dad who doesn't even know their birthday, how old they are, or why they even brought them in. On the other hand, mom knows everything about the kid 99.9% of the time. That being said, I would never just dismiss dad right to his face. That's very rude."

"I guess you’d be surprised how many dads don’t know the answers to basic medical questions like DOB, allergies, height, weight. It’s super common, and yes, quite disheartening."

man looking confusedApparently a lot of dads don't know much of their kids' basic info.Photo credit: Canva

"I recently started working in healthcare and it is shocking. I expected that sort of disinterest from older, more traditional parents, but they’re my age or younger. I just falsely believed that our generation would be better about stuff like that."

"When any parent (almost always dad) doesn’t know the answer to something like a birthday or medical complaint, I don’t just laugh it off like some of my coworkers do. I want them to look me right in the eye and tell me that they don’t remember their kid’s birthday. I’m polite about it, but I’m certainly not saying 'it’s okay, don’t worry about it.' They should know."

"Same. I've also had male patients who have no clue on what's going on with themselves health wise and just straight up tell me to ask their wife.

They have zero clue on what meds they are taking, what those meds are for, what surgeries they've had in the past or why... it's like they don't think this information is important enough for them to know? So of course these guys wouldn't be able to tell you a thing about their own kids when they nothing about their own health. There are men who aren't this way of course. But too goddamn many of them have zero pertinent information in their skulls."

"The stereotype doesn't exist for no reason. I encountered so many dads who don't know their kid's DOB, social, allergies, medical history, immunizations, medications, school info, teachers, daily habits (like bedtime or diet), and so on.

Even worse they would sometimes lie or minimize rather than admit they don't know.

Sometimes they would eventually say stuff like 'Well the doctors said it's asthma but I think he just doesn't like running for sports' or 'He used to have some weird allergy thing, I don't know what it was, but it's better now' and the wife would shout 'YEAH IT'S BETTER BECAUSE HE TAKES 6 PILLS A DAY FOR IT.' I rarely encountered this behavior with mothers.

Sorry you were judged based on the actions of others. That sucks and it's not fair. Doctors have to be very pragmatic though and they will cut to the most reliable source of info, which is usually mom."

It's not just ignorant dads who perpetuate the problem.

Men definitely need to step up their game here, but that's not the only change that needs to happen. Society's low expectations and assumptions that moms are the only ones in the know also need to shift so that dads who do step up aren't fighting an uphill battle of their own.

"What's frustrating is that people essentially help to make the stereotype true when they default to the mom for things. My wife tends to know better about what's going on with the kids at school and their extracurricular activities, but it's because teachers/staff/whoever will prefer to reach out to her about things first, and maybe sometimes I'll be included in an email here and there. Even when my name has been listed first on their contact info, my wife is the first choice to contact about most anything…

dad with child at doctorNot all dads are clueless about their kids, however.Photo credit: Canva

"And you know what? My wife hates it that she's the one always being contacted about everything. That's why we usually list me first or as the primary contact whenever they want parent contact information. 95% of the time, they still default to mom. I'm not stupid and aloof. My wife isn't always available to read emails and respond to things in a timely manner. She doesn't want to always be available. I don't want to always be available either, but I'm available the vast majority of the time."

"My husband is a stay at home dad. When the kid was in public school we had him as contact. Even called and had them make sure they noted it. They still always would call me first.""I'm a dad who generally knows more about the children in these situations than the mom, so I completely get the frustration. It’s prejudice, pure and simple. And I dislike the dads that helped establish that stereotype. My dad didn’t fit the stereotype either."

"My husband was a stay at home dad when our kids were younger, everyone knew (school, other parents), but still they always tried to reach me first if e.g one of the kids was sick and had to be picked up, to arrange for playdates and so on. 'Thanks, let me try and reach husband because I'm at work and at least 1hr drive away, I can't really speak to what he can/can't do right now.'

Will admit that sometimes I do the exact same with other moms in similar positions, even though I'm aware, ugh. Typical gender role expectations are so ingrained into all of us somehow, even if we don't like it ourselves. I hope the next generation will be less stuck in their expectations."

Should we celebrate dads who actually keep track of their kids' basic info? For now, yes.

It may seem silly to praise dads for something as basic as knowing their own kids' birthday, but considering how many stories of clueless dads were in that thread, it seems to be warranted. Having low expectations and complaining about them doesn't seem to help, so maybe celebrating dads who defy the stereotype will help raise the standard.

"See the glass as half full—as a Dad (I am), if you have even the first clue about any of this stuff you get a gold star for trying when, in the exact same circumstances, they’d probably be calling CPS on the mom. And if you meet the 'mom' standard, you’re on your way to the Nobel Prize for Dadding."

"Dad's like you are amazing. My dad was The Dad. He bought me pads and tampons when needed. He knew when I needed a break from my mom and brothers. He would take me out of school to go fishing or hunting. He was the first person to hold his grandson, and he cut his umbilical cord. He made many mistakes but being my father is not one of them.

My father became my dad when I was 3 years old. He is my example of what a man and father should be."

Finally, someone summed up the gist of the issue: "Nobody wins in the patriarchy." Not moms, not dads, not kids. So kudos to the original poster for pointing out an unfair prejudice, the commenters who explained where it comes from and everyone working to change the status quo. Hopefully conversations like this will help us make more progress on that front.

@cosmo_andtheoddparents/TikTok

He wuvs his vet.

Not every dog might jump with joy after seeing their vet out in public. But for Cosmo the Golden Retriever, it was practically Christmas all over again when he spotted his own vet, Dr. Jones, at a brewery.

In an adorable clip posted to TikTok, we see Cosmo in pure, unadulterated bliss as he snuggles with an equally happy Dr. Jones, who, considering he’s still in his scrubs, might have just gotten out of work to grab a quick pint.

Watch:

Ugh, the cuteness is too much to handle! People in the comments could barely contain their secondhand joy.

“He looked over like, “Mom, do you see who this is?” one person wrote, while another said, “What in the Hallmark movie? Adorable!!”

One person even joked, “Did we all check the vet’s hand for a wedding ring? (Said as a married woman. Looking out for you all, or something.)”

According to Hannah Dweikat, Cosmo’s owner, the two actually share quite a history. She tells Upworthy that when Cosmo was but a wee pup, he “gave a scare” after eating a Sago Palm seed, which are highly toxic to dogs, from a plant in their backyard, which of course resulted in him being rushed to the animal hospital and staying there over the weekend.

While that’s every pet owner’s worst nightmare, and certainly a scary situation for the poor fur baby, Dweikat says that “the calm and patient demeanor” of Dr. Jones and his staff put Cosmo at ease. And because of this, “Cosmo has always loved going to see his friends—especially because they give him lots of treats and snuggles.”

Cosmo and Dr. Jones’ buddyship has also blossomed thanks to proximity, as Dweikat only lives down the street from the clinic. “Which means we get to see Dr. Jones and his staff out in public at times and Cosmo takes every chance he can get to say hi,” she explains. This time, however, she was able to capture it all on video. Yay for us!

What makes a good vet?

While not every vet, however gifted, will be able to elicit this type of reaction from their patients, having a calming presence like Dr. Jones is certainly a good sign for pet owners to be on the lookout for when shopping around for their own vet. But that’s not the only quality a good vet needs. According to Saint Matthews University, a vet also needs to have high stamina (both physically and mentally), as well as an ability to tolerate unpleasant situations (you can’t faint at the sight of blood or vomit), a high level of emotional intelligence (maybe all doctors should possess this skill, but especially those who work with animals), adaptability, a sense of enthusiasm, and finally, excellent communication skills.

Dr. Jones seems to have these attributes in spades, and his patients clearly love him for it. None so much as Cosmo, obviously.

By the way, if you’re in need of even more content featuring this precious pup, you can follow Cosmo on both TikTok and Instagram.

Health

Philosopher shares the subtle giveaway that someone is 'not very smart'

When you see this trait, it's time to rethink your relationship.

A man pointing at someone.

Individuals and groups have used scapegoating to blame their problems on others since the term was first coined in The Old Testament and probably long before. We see it all the time in politics, where leaders blame specific groups or ideologies for their country’s failures. We also see it in personal relationships where families blame one person for everyone’s problems or workplaces make an employee the fall guy for a failed project.

In a viral TikTok video, philosopher Julian de Medeiros explains why scapegoating is a sign that someone is unintelligent. He begins by quoting one of the most powerful British union leaders in the first half of the 20th century, Ernest Bevin, who once said: “An unintelligent person is always looking for a scapegoat.”

What's a sign that someone is unintelligent?

“What he meant is that a sign that somebody is not very intelligent is that they always have to blame their problems on other people. Like, it's never something they've done; it's always somebody else's fault,” de Medeiros says in a video with over 230,000 views. “They can avoid accountability; they can avoid introspection and self-reflection, which means that they can avoid growth because it's always somebody else's fault. A smart person is introspective, self-critical, and wants to grow, but an unintelligent person blames other people.”

@julianphilosophy

Intelligent vs. unintelligent #quotes #life #intelligent #wisdom


It can be hard to come to grips with our failures in life, whether they are financial problems, relationship issues or fear of losing control. “There are things that we cannot bear to see about ourselves. ‘I really don’t want to be seen as vulnerable or stupid or weak or greedy,’” Deborah Stewart, a Jungian psychoanalyst, told The Washington Post. “I don’t have to deal with myself if I scapegoat if I blame. That’s the part that most people don’t really know — that they are trying to expel some of their very own feelings by putting them on others.”

People and groups that are made into scapegoats can be put into incredible danger or subject to public disgrace, whether it is the Jewish people during the Holocaust or Anne Boleyn during the reign of King Henry VIII, or Yoko Ono for the breakup of The Beatles.

The big problem with scapegoating.

Those who scapegoat others for their failures can be seen as unintelligent because they refuse to take responsibility for their actions or even recognize where they may have been wrong. When people point their fingers at others, they also ensure that they never learn from their problems and are bound to repeat them. Intelligent people have a growth mindset, and scapegoating is the exact opposite.

Further, when societies refuse to look at the real causes of their problems and instead blame them on scapegoats, they will fail to progress. However, it’s very easy for leaders to fall into the scapegoat trap because it prevents them from being responsible and appears to solve problems when they are actually taking the easy way out.

Ultimately, it comes down to a core question: do you want to deflect blame for your problems by scapegoating someone else, or do you want to accept responsibility and grow from your difficulties? Ironically, those who scapegoat may think it makes their lives easier. However, living a life making the same mistakes repeatedly is a lot harder than accepting responsibility.

Peter Dinklage on "Game of Thrones?

When it comes to actors doing accents across the pond, some Americans are known for their great British accents, such as Natalie Portman ("The Other Boleyn Girl"), Robert Downey, Jr. ("Sherlock Homes"), and Meryl Streep ("The Iron Lady").

Some have taken a lot of heat for their cartoonish or just plain weird-sounding British accents, Dick Van Dyke ("Mary Poppins"), Kevin Costner ("Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves") and Keanu Reeves ("Bram Stoker's Dracula").

Some actors, such as Tom Hardy (“The Drop”) and Hugh Laurie (“House”), have American accents so good that people have no idea they are British.

Benedict Townsend, a London-based comedian and host of the “Scroll Deep” podcast, says there is one word that American actors playing characters with a British accent never get right. And no, it’s not the word “Schedule,” which British people pronounce the entire first 3 letters, and Americans boil down to 2. And it’s not “aluminum,” which British and American people seem to pronounce every stinking letter differently.

@benedicttown

The one word American actors aways get wrong when doing an English accent

What word do American actors always get wrong when they do British accents?

“There is one word that is a dead giveaway that an English character in a movie or a TV show is being played by an American. One word that always trips them up. And once you notice it, you can't stop noticing it,” Townsend says. “You would see this lot in ‘Game of Thrones’ and the word that would always trip them up was ‘daughter.’”

Townsend adds that when British people say “daughter,” they pronounce it like the word “door” or “door-tah.” Meanwhile, Americans, even when they are putting on a British accent, say it like “dah-ter.”

“So top tip if you are an actor trying to do an English accent, daughter like a door. Like you're opening a door,” Townsend says.



What word do British actors always get wrong when doing American accents?

Some American commenters returned the favor by sharing the word that British actors never get right when using American accents: “Anything.”

"I can always tell a Brit playing an American by the word anything. An American would say en-ee-thing. Brits say it ena-thing,” Dreaming_of_Gaea wrote. "The dead giveaway for English people playing Americans: ‘Anything.’ Brits always say ‘EH-nuh-thin,’” marliemagill added.

"I can always tell an actor is English playing an American when they say ‘anything.’ English people always say it like ‘enny-thin,’” mkmason wrote.



What is the cot-caught merger?

One commenter noted that the problem goes back to the cot-caught merger, when Americans in the western US and Canadians began to merge different sounds into one. People on the East Coast and in Britain pronounce them as different sounds.

“Depending on where you live, you might be thinking one of two things right now: Of course, ‘cot’ and ‘caught’ sound exactly the same! or There’s no way that ‘cot’ and ‘caught’ sound the same!” Laura McGrath writes at DoYouReadMe. “As a result, although the different spellings remain, the vowel sounds in the words cot/caught, nod/gnawed, stock/stalk are identical for some English speakers and not for others.”

American actors owe Townsend a debt of gratitude for pointing out the one thing that even the best can’t seem to get right. He should also give the commenters a tip of the cap for sharing the big word that British people have trouble with when doing an American accent. Now, if we could just get through to Ewan McGregor and tell him that even though he is fantastic in so many films, his American accent still needs a lot of work.

This article originally appeared last year.

@oldmansrock/Instagram

Truly a once in a lifetime talent.

When we think of badass, alt rock icons of the 90s, few are as singular and unique as Dolores O’Riordan, who gave The Cranberries its signature sound, and who was once described as having"the voice of a saint trapped in a glass harp.”

It wasn’t just that O’Riordan flawlessly blended traditional Celtic singing techniques like lilting and keening into rock music (which in itself is an amazing feat) but that her performances never compromised emotional authenticity for the sake of aesthetics. The result, as any fan will tell you, was something both ethereal and raw all at the same time.

So it should probably be of no surprise that in this resurfaced clip, presumably from the late 90s, O’Riordan’s stunning cover of Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” is every bit as magical. As @oldmansrock, the account that posted the video, wrote, “the way that Dolores could challenge the pitch but still stay on key, that is the mark of an accomplished singer.

It sounds dissonant compared to the manufactured material of today, where every tone is perfect, but hers is oh so human, and so very Irish! It is beautiful!”

But don’t just take their word for it. Watch:

If this had you wanting to pull up a Cranberries playlist on your Spotify to listen to for the rest of the day, you're not alone. Down in the comments, the renewed love for O’’Riordan was palpable.

“What sits deep with me is that no one sounds like her. Her voice is unmistakable. Whatever her take on a song/lyric? It was authentically, soul-touching Dolores.

“She was unbelievably talented and the cranberries are criminally underrated.”

“Her Irish vocal sweep ups are amazing.”

“She was just brilliant!!! Incredibly talented as well as a lovely and kind human being. I love and miss her. I don't know how anyone can have a bad word to say about this. I thought it was brilliant, both her live cover and studio cover. I wish people weren't so stubborn. I can accept covers no problem if the singer is talented enough, and she most certainly is. ❤️”

“A keening Irish queen. Her voice will always stir me.”

“An actual once in a generation talent”

“Also a master of the microphone. She knows exactly where the sweet spot is for every note.”

“She could melt your heart with that voice, or completely blow you away. Missed dearly, but never forgotten ❤️”

This cover would go on to be a part to the Cranberries’ third album, To The Faithful Departed, which was released in 1996 and became the band’s highest-charting album on the US Billboard 200, and was praised for its darker tone as well as its themes of grief and loss.

After O’Riordan died from drowning due to alcohol intoxication in January 2018, the Cranberries would disband in 2019, but they released their final album, In the End, that year. It was comprised of some of O'Riordan's unfinished demo tapes.

While O’Riordan met the same tragic fate that befalls many artists, especially those in the music industry, her spirit lives on in her art. Because she put so much of herself into her craft, even bite-sized clips of her performances, many years later, inspire those who listen to it. That’s something worth celebrating.

By the way, you can catch a full video of the cover below.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Joy

A poet wrote about meeting her younger self for coffee and launched cathartic viral trend

Women are creating healing "I met my younger self for coffee" poems as they reflect on how far they've come.

If you could meet your younger self for coffee, what would you say?

Life is complex and our feelings about our lives even moreso, which is why we humans so often turn to art as a means of processing it all. Poetry in particular has the power to distill complexity into a beautifully simple form, allowing us to succinctly express feelings that are difficult to describe. As Robert Frost wrote, "Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words," and a skilled poet can help us all find words for our own thoughts and emotions.

A poem by Jennae Cecelia from her upcoming book "Deep in My Feels" has kicked off a viral wave of poetic expression as women reflect on how they've grown and changed since they were younger. Cecelia's poem begins, "i met my younger self for coffee at 10:15," and goes on to describe a lovely, compassionate interaction with her younger self, all while contrasting that younger self with the woman she has become.

People loved the poem so much they used it as inspiration for their own "meeting my younger self for coffee" writing exercises, and the various iterations, at once so personal yet universal, have taken TikTok and Instagram by storm. Some are just written on blank backgrounds as images. Others are videos with the poem overlaid and music in the background.

But what they share in common is the sentiment of wanting to let our younger selves know it was going to be okay. That life is hard but there are good things coming around the corner. That whatever she's feeling or going through now will someday just be a memory.

Some poems have come from women who are still young but fully adult now, speaking to their teen selves.

@jasbethany_

I’d do anything to talk to my 15 year old self 🥲 #nostalgia #coffee #youngerself

Others come from moms in the thick of parenting, reassuring their younger selves that their dreams of having a family have come true, while others show that they took a different path than they planned and it turned out fine.

@katrice_taylor

🤎 #imetmyoungerselfforcoffee #momtok #momsoftiktok #blackmomsoftiktok

The trend is moving people to tears, offering hope to people who are still in those uncertain younger self years, when the possibilities of life seem endless and yet so much feels impossible. Many are finding solace in seeing people's before and after stories, as they serve as a reminder that life is malleable, that the future isn't set in stone, that people can endure and overcome.

@puffy817

Why did this trend heal a little bit in me while I wrote it IB: @Jennae Cecelia Poetry #coffeewithmyyoungerself #parati

Many resonate with the message that whatever struggles we're dealing with now we likely won't be in the future. And, of course, there will always be new struggles we're dealing with but with age and experience we hopefully learn about our own strength to endure. We also hopefully still have dreams to catch.

Cecelia says she is glad that her poem has inspired so many people to create their own versions of it, adding a rightful request to be credited for her work. She shares that the poem is part of a new collection of poetry that she describes as "a dream come true." Her previous poetry books have been self-published, but for this book she landed a deal with a publisher and is thrilled by the idea of having her book available in bookstores and not just online.

"This book is personal" Cecelia says. "It’s a reflection of love, loss, growth, and all the emotions we’re sometimes afraid to name. It’s a reminder that vulnerability isn’t just okay—it’s necessary. Inside, you’ll find poems that sit with you in life’s highs and lows, including the one about, 'meeting your younger self for coffee'—a favorite in the collection."

You can find "Deep in My Feels" for pre-order on Amazon and you can learn more about Cecelia and her work at jennaececelia.com.