We Broke Down 528 Pages Of The CIA Torture Report Into 10 Tweets That Sum Up The B.S. Quite Nicely

The CIA didn't have to go along with the plan. But they did. And the U.S. government didn't have to let this "blatant illegality" slide. But it did. Hmm. Is America having a little *moment* where we don't prosecute illegal things? (Big bankers, grand juries, and torture reports, oh my! Oh no.) That's a question I'M currently asking. But before we delve into the whys and hows of what happened, here's what we know about just what's in the report.

A 500+ page report was released in December 2014 on how the Central Intelligence Agency handled its interrogations in the wake of 9/11. Here are the seven highlights. Walk with me down Yet Another Sad Day for America Lane.

This video is a great summary of all the implications of what the CIA did.


The congressional report on the CIA's Detention and Interrogation Program (aka torture) in the wake of 9/11 shows these things:

1. The CIA was doing a whole lotta torturing.

Not just water boarding — which is Torture Lite™ (its own brand of messed up) — but truly, madly, deeply medieval stuff.

2. That torturing was a whole lotta illegal.

And not just in the USA. Globally, what happened is Genuine Bad Guy™ behavior.

There's a little thing called the Convention Against Torture the United Nations all agreed on, and yeah...

...on a scale of 1 to super against all of the laws, I'm gonna give it a super against all the laws.

3. They kept their wrongdoings a whole lotta secret.

From the secretary of state! Gotta love that. Unsupervised torturers, yay.

Sen. Diane Feinstein, aka shining beacon of truth in the darkness, is giving me LIFE with this report.

THIS IS WHY WE VOTE FOR COOL PEOPLE! THEY DO THE COOL THINGS! (Sorry, I get intense about voting sometimes. Read on!)

4. That illegal bad-guy torturing actually didn't work.

They never got info that was "effective."

6. Punishment? Nah.

After getting no info and basically becoming CIA's darkest timeline possible, the illegal bad-guy torturers with no useful information got a whole lotta NO consequences.

  • Bonus cash involved, too.

The people who said torture was OK are millionaires now! SUPER! #AngrySarcasm

This sets a truly interesting precedent for America's Next Worst Bad Guy, don't you think? Be a part of the CIA, do super deplorable horrifying things, get away with it, make money! Rinse, repeat.

7. BONUS QUESTION: What about the dude who TOLD ON THE CIA (aka stuck out his neck, aka did the right thing as a whistleblower...)?

He's in jail.

In this moment, I even agree with John McCain!


The CIA *USED* to use modern art (yes, like paintings) as a weapon. WTF happened, guys?

We can do better!

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