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Retired psychology professor shares 'brain filter' self-esteem hack to build self-worth

"The beautiful thing about self-esteem is that it that it can be built at any age."

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Retired psychology professor shares self esteem tips.

Achieving good self-esteem and self-worth can be a lifelong journey and, sometimes, the most encouraging advice can come from chance meetings with strangers.

In a Reddit subforum of people sharing how they lead more disciplined lives, member Fuzzy-Sun-951 shared a life-changing conversation he had with a retired psychology professor who "showed me what's holding me back from discipline." They explained that the meeting occurred on a park bench as they were sitting and scrolling on their phones.

"An older guy sat down next to me. He must have felt my bad mood because after a while he asked me: 'Rough day?' I ended up telling him how I've been unhappy at work, how it feels like everyone else my age is doing better, and how I just feel stuck in this cycle of self-doubt," they wrote. "Turns out the guy was a retired psychology professor who'd spent decades studying success patterns. What he told me completely changed how I think about myself."

self esteem, self esteem gif, self esteem tips, better self esteem, self worth Im Good Enough Nighty Night GIF by Saturday Night Live Giphy

The retired psychology professor shared evidence from a 20-year study that "showed kids with higher self-esteem end up earning more later, regardless of intelligence or background." They went on to share, "I wanted to oppose him, disclosing that I didn't grow up wit lucky circumstances that would allow me to develop self-esteem as a kid and teenager. But before I could mention that, he killed my self-pity with a single line haha: 'The beautiful thing about self-esteem is that it that it can be built at any age.'"

According to the retired psychology professor, this is due to the brain's "reticular activation system," which acts as a filter system about one's self-esteem. "It means that if deep down you believe success isn't for someone like you, your brain literally hides opportunities," they added.

For example: "You won't notice the networking chance, you won't see the business idea, you won't even apply for jobs you're qualified for because some part of you thinks 'that's not my place,'" they explained.

deserve to be here, self esteem, self worth, good self esteem, self esteem gif William Byron Netflix GIF by NASCAR Giphy

The information completely changed the OP's perspective on why they always failed with discipline. They added, "'People with higher self-worth have higher dopamine levels naturally.' More energy, focus, motivation, and therefore more discipline. They sabotage themselves less because they actually believe they deserve good things."

As a final gesture of encouragement, the professor added that all it takes is tiny changes, and not to feel overwhelmed. The Op continued to share that "he told me that all I need is to start with tiny things that are easy to do daily, like putting sunscreen on or drinking water when you wake up. This seems to work because your brain is constantly looking for evidence about who you are. Right now it might be collecting evidence that you're lazy or unsuccessful. Start giving it different evidence to work with."

The advice resonated with others struggling with self-esteem and discipline in the comments. "'If deep down you believe success isn't for someone like you, your brain literally hides opportunities.' Wow. That slaps like nothing I’ve come across in a while," one wrote. Another added, "wow, I need to talk with strangers more often."

self esteem, self esteem gif, self worth, encouraging words, self talk you is kind the help GIF Giphy

Others also began sharing actions that have worked to improve their self-esteem. "One thing that I have been doing for years is making a list of '10 things I did good today'. I literally have a book filled with a page for every day filled with things that I was proud of. I have tried a lot of therapy read so many self-help books and… This is the only thing that has helped for me. It has literally forced me to look at the things I’m good at," one shared.

Another added, "Self esteem, like your professor said, is built by evidence that shows you are behaving in alignment with your beliefs about how You should behave. So the first step is seriously interrogating what exactly you believe about how you want to behave and who you want to be. Who is your higher self, your most actualized and fully expressed self. If you can get clear on that, all you have to do is start acting in alignment with your highest self, little by little. And again, as your buddy explained, the brain is constantly searching for evidence of who you are. When you see that who you are is evolving towards your highest self, confidence naturally seeps in and it is much easier to continue that process and get more aligned. I swear by this."

Another explained how lists also are helping them, sharing, "...every day in my journal, I have 4 short lists: 3 Things I am grateful for, 3 Goals for today, 3 Wins for today,1 thing I did today that scared me. It's such a small thing, takes maybe 5 minutes to do; a few minutes in the morning, and a few minutes at night, but it helps to rewire your brain to look for good things and the opportunities that come with them! Good luck out there. We're going to make it."

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Billionaire Mark Cuban reveals the secret to his success comes down to one simple habit

It's all about your mindset.

via Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

Mark Cuban speaking at a business roundtable hosted by the Kamala Harris for President campaign at Ocotillo in Phoenix, Arizona on October 19, 2024.

Knowledge is one of the only things people can’t take from you. You can lose your possessions, relationships, and money, but what’s between your ears is pretty much forever. The great thing is that we can continue learning new skills and information throughout our lives. However, some folks get stuck because they feel they don’t have the drive to learn new skills or the ability to develop them. A lot of the time, these barriers were built by our own design.

Billionaire Mark Cuban says the key to success is the ability to continue evolving and learning new skills. Cuban is an entrepreneur, investor, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, and star of ABC's Shark Tank. In a 2021 interview with Men's Health, he explained the secret to his success.

What's the secret to Mark Cuban’s success?

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

"When you’re first starting—you may or may not have a job, you don’t have any money, you’re [uncertain] about your career. What I learned early on is that if I put in the effort, I can learn almost anything. It may take me a long time, but by putting in the effort, I taught myself technology. I taught myself to program. It was time-consuming—painfully so—but that investment in myself has paid dividends for the rest of my life. And the fact that I recognized that learning was truly a skill, and that by continuing to learn to this day, I'm able to compete and keep up and get ahead of most people. Because the reality is most people don't put in the time to keep up and learn, and that's always given me a competitive advantage.”


The empowering thing about Cuban’s advice is that it can help just about anyone, regardless of their economic status. In most cases, people can teach themselves valuable skills that can help them get a job or go out on their own with very little, if any, money. The key is to believe in yourself enough that you can learn the skill and to persevere, no matter the setbacks.

The problem is that we often hold ourselves back by telling ourselves that we aren’t smart enough or don’t have the talent to learn certain skills. When, in reality, we have everything we need to learn something new, we’ve just talked ourselves out of it.

What is a growth mindset?

Carol Dweck, a researcher who focuses on human motivation, says that it all comes down to whether we have a fixed or growth mindset. Those who have a fixed mindset and have a hard time picking up new skills believe that their skill set cannot be improved. They may think they're good at athletics but aren’t great at math, so they stick to sports instead of teaching themselves how the stock market works.

new skill, labor, woman in hard hat, drill press, factoryA woman in a hard hat.via Canva/Photos

However, other people, such as Cuban, have a growth mindset and believe they can expand and change beyond how they see themselves in the current moment. “There’s another mindset in which these traits are not simply a hand you’re dealt and have to live with, always trying to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you’re secretly worried it’s a pair of tens,” Dweck writes in Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. “The hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts.

Dweck believes that we can break into a growth mindset by harnessing the power of “not yet.” Let’s say you’ve always wanted to play guitar but told yourself that you’re “not musical,” so you haven’t picked up the instrument. The key is to say to yourself, “I’m not yet musical, but I have an eye on the goal of becoming so."

Adopting the “not yet” mentality helps you understand you're on a learning curve. "It gives you a glimpse into the future," Dweck said. Learn more about developing a growth mindset and achieving your goals in her TED Talk, “The Power of Believing That You Can Improve,” posted below:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

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'Untapped potential' psychologist shares the skill that opens the door to success and happiness

It's the difference between helplessness and hopefulness.

via Canva/Photos

A woman celebrating a big victory.

Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, an adjunct associate professor of psychology at Columbia University’s Barnard College, makes a powerful point in his new book, Rise Above. He believes that the difference between those who are happy and prosperous and those who are not is that one group has managed to “unlearn fear.”

The problem for most people is that learning and unlearning fear are two very separate processes. Learning to be afraid happens automatically in our brains after we have a traumatic or frightening experience. That’s why when we encounter something we are fearful of, we have an emotional and mental response that can be difficult to overcome.

However, unlearning fear is something we must do intentionally. “Fear is automatically learned. And fear must be actively unlearned: We have to choose a different way of living, and we can start by taking responsibility for the fact that unlearning fear—or any past patterns—can take a lot of inner work,” he said, according to CNBC.

success, happiness, fear, overcoming, barriers, teamwork, fear, challengesA team of co-workers celebrating a win.via Canva/Photos

Simply put, our brains constantly collect new fears without our control. But to unlearn those fears, we have to do so intentionally. That’s why countless people are unable to chase their dreams, take risks, and be vulnerable. They haven’t unlearned the unnecessary fears that their brains installed without their knowledge or permission.

For example, at some point in life, most of us acquire a fear of rejection. This prevents a lot of people from asking the boss for a raise, even when they deserve one. But those who have unlearned that fear can get past the barrier and ask for what they deserve. “Our default state is to have a sense of helplessness when we get overwhelmed,” Kaufman says.

Even though we didn’t choose our fears, Kaufman says they are still our responsibility to unlearn. “Sometimes we’re responsible for things not because they’re our fault, but because we’re the only ones who can change them,” he told Psychology Today.


How to “unlearn” fear

Kaufman says that we can unlearn fear by correctly talking about it to ourselves when we experience it. He says that in these situations we should ask ourselves “what” questions, instead of “why" questions. For example, let’s say your boss gave you extra work that you weren’t prepared for. “You can go from ‘Why am I feeling this?’ to ‘OK, what am I feeling?' What would make me feel better?” Kaufman says. “Asking ‘what’ questions—‘What do I need right now, in this moment?’—these lead to a whole upward spiral of productive questions.”

Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich agrees. “'Why' questions can draw us to our limitations. 'What' questions help us see our potential. 'Why' questions stir up negative emotions. 'What' questions keep us curious. 'Why' questions trap us in our past. 'What' questions help us create a better future.”

The difference between the two types of questions is huge. It’s the same as the difference between asking ourselves, “Why does this happen to me?” and “What can I do about it?”

success, happiness, fear, overcoming, barriers, happy woman, race, marathon, runnersA woman winning a race.via Canva/Photos


It’s empowering to consider that the fears that hold us back in life weren’t our choice, so we don’t have to give them the power that they demand. A fear you acquired in the fifth grade may be the same thing holding you back from a raise. So, why not ask what you can do about it, push through, and watch it disappear while building a ladder to greater success and happiness?

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Body language expert reveals 6 keys to exuding confidence even if you're not feeling it

"Confidence can be very quiet."

Photo credit: Canva

Confidence can be a powerful tool if you know how to show it.

If there's one "trick" to achieving success regardless of skill, ability, or talent, it's confidence. And the good news is it doesn't necessarily have to be actual confidence—merely the appearance of confidence is often enough to influence people and change outcomes.

Confidence is how con men are able to rope people in, but confidence can also be used for good. If you learn how to exude confidence, it can be one of the most powerful tools for creating the life you want and effecting positive change in the world.

So what does that look like, especially when you're not really feeling it? We all wish we could walk boldly through the world without any worry or self-doubt, but most of us don't feel 100% confident 100% of the time. That doesn't mean we can't appear confident, though. Former FBI agent and body language expert Joe Navarro shares six elements we need to understand in order to project confidence with WIRED.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

1. Understanding Confident Traits

There are certain traits confident people have that help them appear comfortable when they walk into a room and command whatever space they are in.

"When we talk about confidence, it's so many things," says Navarro. "It has to do with our posture, the way we present, how we look. Where's our chin? Where are the eyes looking and gazing? Our gestures are loose, but they're smoother. As we walk about, we walk as though we are on a mission."

Even how we move our eyeballs makes a difference. "The less confident we are, the less eye contact we make," Navarro says. "The less confident we are, the more reluctant we are to look about."

eye contact, confidence, looking around with confidence, body language, eyesPeople who are confident make more eye contact and look around more.Photo credit: Canva

Confident people don't show their confidence in the way many people assume. "I think sometimes people mistake machismo or theatrical displays of power as confidence," Navarro adds. "Confidence can be very quiet."

Jane Goodall, for example, is not a loud-speaking person bursting with bravado. She's rather meek and mild, and yet she commands every room. "One of the things you notice is they sort of have this command of themselves, and in doing so, that command transmits outward," Navarro explains.

You can also use time to convey confidence. Don't rush, go at your own pace. "If you're in charge, you're in charge of time," says Navarro. "I'm gonna take my time to walk out. I'm gonna take my time to answer your question. I will answer it in the pace, manner, and tone that I choose. And in doing that, we are demonstrating that we are confident and in control."

2. Modeling Confidence

One of the most effective ways of exuding confidence is to choose someone who is confident in a way that you admire and model yourself after them. What traits do they have that you could emulate? How do they move? How do they speak?

confident behavior, exuding confidence, how to seem more confident, body language, relating to othersHow do people who are confident behave?Photo credit: Canva

This doesn't mean changing who you are on a fundamental level, but rather observing the people who have an ability you're struggling with and behaving your way toward gaining that ability.

"You know, we're not born this way," says Navarro. "These are things that we have to develop, and say, 'How do I want to be perceived? And what can I do to achieve that?'"

3. Little Behaviors

Navarro shares that little things can make a difference. For instance, indicating a direction by pointing with your finger is an undesirable behavior almost universally, but pointing with an open hand is not.

He gave an example of something he had to learn when he first joined the police force and had to make an arrest. The first time he had to say, "Stop, you're under arrest!" he said it in a high-pitched voice and said it sounded terrible.

"You have to work at having that command presence, where you say [in a deeper voice], 'Stop right there, don't move.' That's almost theatrical, but it's what is needed."

confidence, under arrest, body language, voice, toneUnder Arrest GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy

He gave another example of saying "No, stop," with confidence, using a lower voice and an outstretched hand. The more confident you are in saying it, the more your fingers will spread apart. Those little behaviors convey confidence more than people realize.

4. Intonation

We all have certain vocal habits that include how we use tone in our speaking. Navarro describes a phenomenon known as "uptalk," which is when you raise your intonation at the end of phrases or sentences, almost as if you're asking a question even when you're not.

He shared that speaking with confidence involves bringing your voice down in a more declarative way when you speak rather than sounding as if you're questioning.

confidence when public speaking, the power of pauses, speaking slowly and confidently, uptalk, declarationSlowing down and using powerful pauses can make you appear confident.Photo credit: Canva

5. Cadence

Many of us, especially when we're not feeling comfortable or confident, talk too fast. But when you talk too fast, people stop listening. Pacing your speech and using the power of pauses can be a powerful way to convey confidence.

"If you want people to listen to you, use cadence to get their attention, hold their attention, but then look forward to what that next set of words will be," says Navarro. "It lets them know, at a subconscious level, this is the person in charge. And we know that they're in charge because they have temporal control over this. They're not in a hurry."

6. Non-verbals

People often think that confidence looks like holding your shoulders back, puffing up your chest, and keeping your chin up. It can look like that, says Navarro, but it doesn't have to.

A confident woman in a suit, smiling with a fist pump, exuding confidence, confidence, body language, queuesConfidence can be conveyed in lots of non-verbal ways.Photo credit: Canva

"You know, a lot of times confidence is just sitting comfortably in a chair. And that may have more to do with how much space you control. It may have to do with the gestures that you use."

When people look confident, their gestures are smooth. There's no hesitation, quick movements, or jitteriness. They appear calm and in charge. When people are less confident, they feel like they have to hurry and answer right away.

"Let's face it: people are not born confident," says Navarro. "They're just not. We can become confident with the assistance of our parents who encourage us. We can become confident through our own achievements. We can become confident by going beyond our boundaries. But confidence is something that we can grow, we can nurture."

Of course, we all want to feel truly confident and not just act like we are, but sometimes the behavior helps to create the feeling.

"If you want to be confident, know your material, know the information, hone that skill, work at it, have that mastery of things, and of self," says Navarro. "And that's how you will come across as confident, no matter what your station in life is."

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