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Wellness expert explains what 'self-care' really is and it's not what we've been sold

Self-care doesn't need to cost you a thing.

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Self-care is not what we've be taught one therapist explains

Self-care. It's something that has been co-opted by wellness influencers and gurus that somehow (and all-too-often) involves spending money on something luxurious. Self-care is often branded as things like pedicures, vacations, and hour-long massages at the spa, but according to Dr. Raquel Martin, we've been doing self-care all wrong.

In July 2024, Martin—a licensed psychologist—uploaded a video to her Instagram explaining what self-care is truly supposed to be. Spoiler alert? It's not meant to be indulgent. At least, indulgence shouldn't be an all-the-time expectation of self-care. Martin acknowledges that the wellness industry has monetized and conflated self-care with self-indulgence, and she explains that having self-care propped up as something that is indulgent isolates people who cannot afford those types of activities.

The psychological toll for conflating self-care with self-indulgence can get dangerously high. In the 2020 Psychology Today article, "Why Does Self-Care Sometimes Feel So Hard?", author and licensed psychologist Alicia H. Clark Psy.D notes that "indulgence stops being self-care when you feel guilty or unhappy with yourself, and this threshold is different for everyone." She goes on to say that "one person's self-caring indulgence can be another's gateway to self-harm, depending on your relationship with the activity, your capacity for moderation, and the reality of its consequences." This makes wellness influencers who tout a heavily indulgent, "treat yo' self" ideology of self-care all the more dangerous. Self-care is not one size fits all, and for those who struggle with self-discipline and moderation, the mindset can do more harm than good.

self-care, indulgence, moderation, treats, discipline Parks And Recreation Treat Yo Self GIFGiphy

So, what is self-care actually? How is it achieved? And is it always supposed to feel good? Dr. Martin goes on to share how she practices self-care, and what she lays out was surprising her viewers. According to Martin, "Self-care is not responding to every call and, if I do not have the bandwidth to have the conversation, stating that I don't have the bandwidth to have the conversation." She also notes that she says "No" to things she doesn't want to do, sets a financial budget, and does not drink caffeine after 4 p.m.

These things might seem a little boring when compared to indulgent self-care, but one thing is clear: these self-care practices are actually good for Martin's body, health, and overall wellness.

Much of what Martin listed are things a lot of people don't consider as self-care, but in actuality, self-care is defined simply by taking care of one's self. This means practicing self-care is getting in a few minutes of exercise a day, drinking more water, or spending time with friends. You don't have to spend money to care for yourself.

yoga, exercise, movement, body, health, self-careA woman practices Yoga.Image via Canva.

Commenters were shocked and thankful for Martin's clarification on what self-care is actually supposed to be:

"Love this list!! As a massage therapist, I have to call out the misconception that massage is indulgent. I'm always telling my patients that self care is more than a bath. I will be sharing this list with my patients. I'm also trying to make massage more accessible," one person writes.

"Thank you for this post. I’m internalizing your advice to see how I can apply. You resonated with my thoughts on so many levels. However, you also provided some clarity and food for thought/fuel for action," another says.

"I really appreciate what you said about pallet cleansers! Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I'm not able to read and consume and learn about all the issues different people are facing. It's really important to me to learn about those things, not just for awareness, but also so I can do something about it. But self care is so important throughout that, like leaving my phone in the other room, or watching my comfort shows like you said. I often read kids books or TV because of how horrible the world is right now, and I need something extremely wholesome to balance it out. Also, workshop? I'm not sure what that means but I like learning from you. Thanks," another viewer shares.

So, maybe it's time to collectively ditch those indulgent expectations of self-care and really take a look at ways we can actually care for ourselves instead.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Tom Cruise has advice for people with social anxiety, and it's actually pretty great

His words had a "profound impact" on a co-star's life.

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Tom Cruise

Not only can Tom Cruise do his own stunts, he's a good therapist too. His Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One co-star, Haley Atwell, has revealed that she, like so many of us, struggles with social anxiety. On the Reign with Josh Smith podcast, she discusses how it often overwhelms her and makes her want to retreat.

Tom Cruise, mission impossible, stunt, stunt man, actor, filmTom Cruise Mi GIF by Mission: ImpossibleGiphy

But she was saved by incredibly insightful advice from Tom Cruise, which she imparts to the audience. After describing him as a positive "hair dryer" just blowing his positive energy around, Josh asks, "What's the best pep talk he's given you?" Haley answers, "Social anxiety tends to be something that people talk about a lot at the moment. It seems to be quite a buzzword of conversation."

They both agree that everyone has some version of anxiety, whether it's in a big group of people, a new work environment, or even just around a small group of friends. She confesses, "For me, I start to retreat into myself and overthink. 'Do I look weird? Do I seem awkward?' I'm not speaking, I'm just muffling my words or I need something to numb me from this.'"

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Luckily, Cruise has quite a simple way to combat these feelings. "The pep talk he gave me helps, which is that if you walk into a room and feel the anxieties coming, try doing the opposite. Try to look OUT and look around the room and go, 'Where is it? Where is the thing I have attached to my insecurity?'"

The idea is to pinpoint the place where her (or any of our) anxiety might be rooted. "Is it that person over there who reminds me of my high school bully? Is it that person over there who didn't give me a job once?" Once the source is recognized, if possible, Cruise suggests asking yourself, "Where does it live outside of me, and where do I feel like the source might be coming from?"

Haley emphasizes that examining her fear, which Cruise encourages, truly helps the anxiety subside. She continues, "If I look at it for long enough, the anxiety then can have a name. It can have a label and be contained, instead of free-floating, where I'm just in a total struggle internally with my own anxiety." Seeing through this prism, she shares, "If I’m scared of something, if I keep looking at it long enough, it tends to not be the monster under the bed anymore."


Actress, Hayley Atwell, social anxiety, mental health, actingFile:Hayley Atwell.jpg - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.org

Naming the emotion, whether it's jealousy, loneliness, etc., can help you outwardly address it so that it doesn't fester in your mind. She reiterates Cruise's words: "If you're scared of something, just keep looking at it. Try not to look away, and it will often give you information about how to overcome it."

Cruise's advice isn't all that different from many professional therapists. In the blog post, "How to overcome social anxiety: 8 tips and strategies" (clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA, for Calm.com,) ideas on how to overcome social anxiety are given and number one on the list could have been written by Cruise himself: "Identify your triggers," they write, explaining, "The first step to managing social anxiety is understanding what sparks it. Triggers can be unique to each person. Some might find large gatherings intimidating, while for others, it might be public speaking. To identify your triggers, keep a journal of your feelings and the situations that make you anxious. Recognizing these triggers is a crucial step in managing your reactions to them."


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

They also suggest, among other ideas, breathing techniques such as the 4-7-8 method: breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 7, and breathing out for 8. They also advise "challenging negative thought patterns." They explain, "Practice challenging these thoughts. Ask yourself: 'Is this thought based on facts or feelings? What's the best thing that could happen?' Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can help reduce feelings of anxiety."

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6 photos of the same girl show how selfies distort what we really look like

It's not you, really! It's that danged camera.

Evey Winters/Facebook, Vox/YouTube
What you look like in a selfie camera isn't really what you look like in real life.

We've all done it: You snap a selfie, look at it, say, "OMG is my nose swollen?" then try again from a different angle. "Wait, now my forehead looks weird. And what's up with my chin?" You keep trying various angles and distances, trying to get a picture that looks like how you remember yourself looking. Whether you finally land on one or not, you walk away from the experience wondering which photo actually looks like the "real" you.

I do this, even as a 40-something-year-old who is quite comfortable with the face I see in the mirror. So, it makes me cringe imagining a tween or teen, who likely take a lot more selfies than I do, questioning their facial features based on those snapshots. When I'm wondering why my facial features look weird in selfies it's because I know my face well enough to know that's not what it looks like.

However, when a young person whose face is changing rapidly sees their facial features distorted in a photo, they may come to all kinds of wrong conclusions about what they actually look like.


selfie, faces, photography, photos, self-image, self-confidence, body imageSome people say holding the phone or camera farther away helpscanva photos

Not that it should matter, of course. But we're talking about people living in a society obsessed with personal appearance. It's going to matter to a lot of people, and if they get the wrong impression of their face, some people will go to all sorts of lengths to change it. That's why understanding a bit about how focal lengths on cameras can impact what we see in photographs is vital.

Writer Evey Winters shared some of that education in a post on Facebook. She writes about this topic through a trans and dysmorphia lens, but it applies to everyone.

Winters points out that if someone is thinking of doing surgery to change their bodies, they should seek sources outside of themselves and a cellphone camera.

"I have dysmorphia and recognize that in myself," she wrote, "but even if I didn’t, there’s not a selfie I’ve ever taken that would accurately help me make choices about my face. Mirrors are slightly better only for their minimal distortions."

"If you want the best chance at getting good feedback pre-op about what you might want to change," she added, "I’d recommend a skilled photographer take a series of photos of you at different focal lengths and even then none of these will be entirely accurate as none of these employ humans binocular vision and filtering."

Winters shared a collage of photos of the same girl's face at different focal lengths to show the significant difference it makes.

"Notice how in different photos this child’s eyes may appear to be slightly hooded," she wrote. "The nose appears enlarged disproportionately. Hairline seems to shift with every snap. So does jaw shape, face shape, and even the width and size of the ears."



The difference between each of these photos is significant, but the difference between the first and the last is stunning.

Cellphone selfie cameras usually have an even smaller focal length than the 40 mm shown here (Winters points out that the iPhone 13 Pro Max selfie camera has the equivalent of a 23 mm focal length), so they distort facial features even more. It also depends on how far away from the camera you are—the closer you are, the more distortion you'll see. Lighting matters, too, but even the best lighting can't cancel out what the focal length is doing.

It's also worth mentioning that cell phone cameras, —regardless of distance, focal length, and lighting — will usually look way different than the you you see in the mirror. Most of us look in the mirror many times in a given day and are extremely used to what we see there. We sometimes forget that the image reflected back at us is actually flipped or reversed! So when we see ourselves on camera, with all our right side features on the left and vice versa, our asymmetries stand out to us like a sore thumb.

But back to focal length again, Vox shared a video specifically about the "big nose" phenomenon with selfies, showing how drastic the distortion can be.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Commenters on Winter's viral post as well as the Vox video were absolutely stunned to learn the truth:

"Here I've been thinking that the pictures I'm less fond of are the truer representation!"

"This was reassuring, I always think I look better from a distance in photos, now I know why!"

"This made me feel beautiful again"

"This explains why in the mirror I look good but selfies are iffy"

Many people were reassured and found that the knowledge boosted their self-confidence! It's hard to overstate how looking at photos that make us look "bad" every day can really damage our self-esteem over time. It's so important for people to understand this vital photography lesson and stop beating themselves up for not liking what they see in selfies.


david rose, schitts creek, selfies, photography, body image, body positivityDavid Rose totally gets it now.Giphy

As a parent of two teens and a young adult, I find these photos to be fantastic tools for teaching my kids not to put too much stock in what they see in a selfie. Far too many people are increasingly seeking out plastic surgery to change a nose or a forehead or a jawline that doesn't even really exist. Imagine looking in a funhouse mirror and thinking you need to do something to change how you look. Selfie cameras are basically mini funhouse mirrors. Smartphones and apps are getting better at making filters that adjust for those distortions, but none of us should be relying on selfies of any kind to see what we really look like, much less taking major measures to alter our appearance based on what we see in them.

Even if you have some physical feature you simply can't accept and want to change, make sure you get a skilled photographer to give you the most accurate picture of what it actually looks like. As Winters concluded at the end of her post: "Make sure you’re not reshaping your body for a you that only exists in selfie cams."

Thank you for the reminder, Ms. Winters.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Women rally behind a mom who's tired of being judged for having a full face of makeup

“Why are we judging moms on their parenting because of how they look?"

@emloublogger/TikTok

Self care doesn't make you "one of THOSE moms."

Virtually no one is here to argue that mom shaming isn’t a very real thing that every woman with kids must endure on some level during parenthood—be it for whether or not the breastfeed, whether they enroll their kids in this school or that school, or in this case, whether or not they choose to wear makeup.

Yep, you read that right. Recently, a mom named Emma Hutton, who happens to work in the beauty industry as a nail tech, shared via TikTok how she experiences judgement for always being seen with her makeup and hair completely done. In fact, she had been dubbed "one of them type of moms” for it, as though that could possibly indicate what type of mom she was.

In reality, Hutton explains, wearing makeup has absolutely nothing to do with being a mom. She wakes up extra early to put on a full face because “it makes me feel my best.” And when she feels her best, “the day goes better." That’s it, no deeper hidden meaning. But somehow some folks have taken it to be some sort of signal about how inattentive or superficial of a parent she must be, which Hutton seems to find ridiculous.

@emloublogger I’ll always be one of “them” 😎😂 #mums #mumlife #mumsoftiktok #momlife #momtok #mumtok #mommy #parents #mum ♬ original sound - Emma💕

“Why are we judging moms on their parenting because of how they look? You don’t see me judging moms that are in the school playground in pajamas because they literally run out of the house to get their kids to school on time,” she says in her clip.

Clearly, Hutton wasn’t the only one who was irked by this double standard, judging from the support she got in comments. One person even surmised that some jealousy was at play, writing “how you look triggers insecure people that don’t make enough time for themselves. Only miserable people look at what others are doing.”

Others simply commiserated on the fact that, no matter what, the mom shaming would commence. As one person shared, “I go days looking done up and then days looking like Adam Sandler, either way I'm judged. Can’t win.”

We’re all pretty aware that maintaining our appearance can do wonders for our mental health, and makeup can play a huge role in releasing those mood-boosting endorphins. For example, a study published in the journal Cosmetics in 2018 found that when women applied makeup, they reported significant decreases in feelings of sadness, tiredness, and anger.

Even the ritual of putting on makeup, which Hutton told Newsweek was her “me time,” can be a sort of mediation, helping folks tune into the present moment and lower stress. Plus, there can be something very empowering in mastering which colors and techniques bring out your best features. Yes, we live in a world where the beauty industry tries to capitalize on needing to “fix” flaws, but for far longer, makeup has been a magical form of self expression and self care.

And more to the point, why are we chastising moms for trying to maintain this aspect of their identity? As Hutton told Newsweek, "I have always worn makeup and cared about my appearance, so I don't think that should change just because I'm now a mom." And that’s really the message to drive home here. Motherhood is a major component of womanhood, but it isn’t the only component. Women are allowed to nurture the part of themselves that isn’t solely focused on raising a child, and in fact need to in order to stay sane—whether that be through throwing on some lipstick, going to a workout class, having coffee with a friend, or carving out some other variation of “me time.” Kudos to the moms who prioritize self care in whatever way they see fit, regardless of the looks they get. You really are paving the way for more empowerment.

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