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Your child being diagnosed with a mental health condition is not your fault

One of the most important things a parent can do is let go of the guilt.

mental health; parenting; teen mental health; mental illness
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Your child being diagnosed with a mental health condition is not a parental failure.

My heart dropped when I read the message from my friend. Normally the exchange is pleasant and I look forward to our conversations but before I even opened the message, the preview told me that something was wrong. All I could see was, "Did you hear about Edith's son?"

I hesitated before opening the message because I knew it wouldn't be good, and sadly, I was right. Our friend posted that she was planning funeral services for her 15-year-old son, explaining that he died by suicide. I didn't have the words so I waited days to reach out to share condolences.

It hit too close to home. I have a 14-year-old son. I've talked to my children about mental health and how it's always OK to seek help, even when it feels hopeless. I've given tools to clients and friends who are struggling with their own child's mental health diagnosis and the script remains the same, "I feel like it's my fault."

Shortly after Orion's funeral, one of my own children came to me expressing despair and with all of my training I immediately went to self-blame, still. Even though I know better. Even though my job as a therapist is to help others navigate these feelings. "It's my fault" rang in my ears. But just like I tell other parents, your child's mental health disorder is not a failure on your part as a parent. Some people are just depressed without real explanation. Some people's brains are wired a little bit differently and that doesn't mean that someone broke them or that they're broken at all.

Getting a mental health diagnosis for a child can sometimes knock the wind out of people because as parents the single most important job we have is to get our children to adulthood with as little trauma as possible. We taxi them to different sports, sign ourselves up for field trips and make sure they make it to their well-child visits. We do all of the things to get them across the finish line of adulthood. A mental health diagnosis can feel like you've somehow dropped a very important ball and oftentimes, you didn't.

person in black long sleeve shirt holding hands with person in long cream colored sleevesPhoto by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Our kids live in a completely different world than we did growing up. They're inundated with messaging on a constant basis, and even if you do your best to limit their screen time, it's impossible to escape. Social media continues to be a big driver in declining mental health among teens.

While suicide rates briefly showed an overall decline a couple of years ago, rates of suicide are highest among teens and young adults ages 15 to 24. Mental health conditions in kids such as depression, which can sometimes lead to suicide, are a heavy burden on parents, even without the added burden of guilt. Parents can talk to their children often, check in on active coping skills they're using and give them some if they don't have any.

person with smudged eyeliner holding white printer paper over their mouth with a drawn smilePhoto by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

One of the most important things a parent can do is let go of the guilt. Nothing about your child's mental health struggles says anything about you as a parent, especially If you've been doing the best you can. If you're struggling with feelings around your child's mental health disorder, you too should reach out to a therapist.

Not all mental health disorders result in a catastrophic loss through suicide, but it doesn't hurt to make sure your children have suicide hotlines saved in their phones and posted on the fridge. While death by suicide is tragic, it's also important to remember that it's not anyone's fault.

grayscale photography of woman hugging another womanPhoto by Anastasia Vityukova on Unsplash

If you can look at all you've done and can say you've provided a safe and nourishing environment for your child, I invite you to lay down the self-blame. Parenting is hard enough without beating ourselves up over things outside of our control.

If you or someone you know are having thoughts of suicide or require mental health support, call or text 988 to talk to a trained counselor at the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or visit 988lifeline.org to connect with a counselor and chat in real time. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress as well as prevention and crisis resources for healthcare professionals.

The Trevor Project provides 24/7 crisis counseling via phone, text or chat specifically for young LGBTQ people.

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Pop Culture

Cool video shows why everyone used to wear hats and then suddenly stopped

The change started around 1960.

via Warmbru Curiosity/YouTube

When did everyone stop wearing hats?

If you see old newsreel footage of men in the office or on commuter trains from the advent of the motion picture camera to the early ‘60s, nearly everyone is wearing a hat. Hats were just as common for women in that era. For a woman to go out without a hat in the first half of the 20th century was akin to going out without clothes.

The funny thing is that everyone’s headgear is so similar in the old-timey footage that it makes previous generations look like big-time conformists. Then, in the early ‘60s, everything changed, and men and women started to go out in public with their hair exposed. Why did such a big aspect of fashion seem to change overnight?

Warmbru Curiosity investigated the question recently in a popular YouTube video. Warmbru’s channel is a lighthearted look at some of the more unusual people and events from our history and how they have influenced the world in which we live.

Why did people stop wearing hats?

Warmbru says fashion changed dramatically after World War II, when people in developed countries began to care less about expressing their social status. “This was especially true among the younger generation the rise of youth culture in the 1950s and 1960s emphasized rebellion against traditional norms, including formal dress codes,” the YouTuber says.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

Another big reason for the change in fashion was technology. Cars became the preferred mode of transportation for many after World War II and indoor environments became more hospitable. “People spent far less time exposed to the elements as people increasingly moved to urban areas and started using cars,” Warmbru says. “The practicality of wearing hats diminishes. Hats can be cumbersome in cars and on public transport, improvements in heating and air conditioning reduce the need for hats to provide warmth.”

Warmbru adds that President John F. Kennedy, elected in 1960, rarely wore a hat and his decision to go bareheaded became associated with modernity. Further, in 1963, the mop-topped Beatles proudly flaunted their hatless heads as they shook them while singing, “Wooooo.” Hat-wearing among women began to decline around the same time as the restrictive and complex headgear clashed with the burgeoning women’s liberation movement.



The decline in hat purchases meant that manufacturers closed and the headgear became harder to come by. This reduced availability further contributed to the decline in hat-wearing. As fewer people wore hats, there became a greater demand for high-quality hair products and services. “Why spend a fortune at the hairdressers or the barbers just to cover the end result with a hat?” Warmbru asks.

Ultimately, there were many reasons why people stopped wearing hats. It appears that it was a combination of technology, influential people such as Kennedy and The Beatles, and the overwhelming mood of change that swept most of the Western world in the 1960s. But if one thing is true about fashion, it goes in cycles. So, it seems that hats may be ready for their big comeback.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Pop Culture

George Harrison's elaborate prank on Phil Collins may be the funniest joke in rock history

George Harrison wasn't just a great musician, he was hilarious.

via Philippe Roos / Flickr and Wikimedia Commons

Phil Collins and George Harrison

Beatle George Harrison was pigeon-holed as the "Quiet Beatle," but the youngest member of the Fab Four had an acerbic, dry sense of humor that was as sharp as the rest of his bandmates.

He gave great performances in the musical comedy classics, "A Hard Days Night" and "Help!" while holding his own during The Beatles' notoriously anarchic press conferences. After he left the band in 1970, in addition to his musical career, he would produce the 1979 Monty Python classic, The Life of Brian.

Harrison clearly didn't lose his sense of humor for the rest of his life. Shortly before his death in 2001, he played an elaborate prank on Phil Collins that shows how the "Here Comes the Sun" singer would go the extra mile for a laugh.

gif of George Harrison making facesThe Beatles Love GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphy

In 1970, Harrison was recording his first solo record (and arguably the best by a Beatle), All things Must Pass. The session for the song, "The Art of Dying," featured former Beatle Ringo Starr on drums, keyboard legend Billy Preston on keys, the famed Eric Clapton on guitar, and was produced by the notorious Phil Spector.

Harrison wanted a conga player for the session, so Ringo's chauffeur reached out to Phil Collins' manager. At the time, Collins was a relative unknown who was about to join Genesis, a band that would bring him worldwide stardom.

The 18-year-old Collins was starstruck playing on a session with two former Beatles, so he played extra hard in rehearsals, resulting in blood blisters on both hands.

gif of Phil CollinsPhil Collins 80S GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphy

"Anyway, after about two hours of this, Phil Spector says, 'Okay congas, you play this time.' And I'd had my mic off, so everybody laughed, but my hands were shot," Collins told Express.

"And just after that they all disappeared—someone said they were watching TV or something—and I was told I could go." After that, Collins was relieved of his duties and told to go home. A few months later, Collins bought the massive triple album in the record shop and was devastated to learn he'd been edited out of the song.

"There must be some mistake! Collins thought. "But it's a different version of the song, and I'm not on it."

Some thirty years later, Collins bought the home of Formula One driver Jackie Stewart, a close friend of Harrison. Stewart mentioned to Collins that Harrison was remixing "All Things Must Pass" for a rerelease.

"And he said, 'You were on it, weren't you?' And I said, 'Well I was there,"' Collins recalled.

gif of George Harrison album coverGeorge Harrison Animated Album Cover GIF by uDiscoverMusic - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphy

Two days later, a tape was delivered from Harrison to Collins with a note that read: "Could this be you?" Collins continued: "I rush off and listen to it, and straight away I recognize it." It was a recording of "The Art of Dying."

"Suddenly the congas come in— too loud and just awful," said Collins. Then at the end of the take, Harrison can be heard saying, "Hey, Phil, can we try another without the conga player?" Collins was devastated, to say the least.

A while later, Stewart calls Collins and puts Harrison on the line. "'Did you get the tape?' Harrison asked. "I now realize I was fired by a Beatle," Collins sighed. The two changed the subject, but a few minutes later, Harrison couldn't stop laughing.

"Don't worry, it was a piss-take. I got Ray Cooper to play really badly and we dubbed it on," Harrison admitted. "Thought you'd like it!" So, Harrison had an entire recording session with a conga player who he asked to play poorly, just to pull one over on Collins.

gif of George Harrison smilingThe Beatles Smile GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphy

If you're in the mood for another of rock's greatest pranks. The story of "The Ring" told by Beastie Boys' Adam "Ad-Rock" Horovitz shared in Beastie Boys Story is another great example of someone going to incredible lengths just for a laugh.

The story revolves around the late Beasties' rapper Adam "MCA" Yach, his bandmate Horovitz, and a very creepy ring given to him by a fan backstage at a concert. Check it out below:

Ahh, rock stars.


This article originally appeared four years ago.

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Joy

A stray dog saves her dying puppy’s life by bringing her to the veterinarian in Istanbul

A dog's motherly instinct and trust in humans saved a puppy's life

@beylikduzu_alfa_veteriner

A stray dog brought her lifeless puppy to the doorstep of a local veterinarian clinic, saving its life.

In the Beylikdüzü district in Istanbul, security camera footage showed a stray dog holding a puppy in its mouth and bringing it to the doorstep of a local veterinary clinic. The veterinarian that answered the door found the puppy lifeless and took it in while the pup’s mother followed.

The puppy received emergency treatment, as it was dying from a slow heartbeat due to the cold outside. Throughout the treatment, the mother dog stayed at her puppy’s side. Thanks to quick action and care, the puppy survived and is being cared for at the clinic alongside its mother. This puppy turned out to be related to another puppy that was brought in by other animal lovers beforehand, with the belief that it was the sole survivor of its litter.

"We thought all of them had died. It turns out there was one sibling that survived,” said veterinarian and clinic owner, Baturalp Oğhan in an interview. “When our technician noticed the situation, he brought it inside. We realized the puppy's heart was beating. We placed it in intensive care. It is currently continuing treatment with its sibling."


A veterinarian treating a puppy on a table in a clinic as a mother dog watches nearbyThe puppy's mother stayed with her child as the veterinarian administered treatment.@beylikduzu_alfa_veteriner


While it is unfortunate that the rest of the litter had passed, this mother dog’s actions not only saved one of her pups but had reunited her with another one.

According to World Population Review, there is a pet dog in 30% of all households globally. There are 90 million pet dogs housed in the United States alone. Bear in mind, that is counting the dogs that are housed and cared for by humans. Just imagine how many dogs are still out there like that mother dog, along with the number of dogs that sadly didn’t make it like that lucky puppy.

Two puppies eating out of a bowlThe puppy is recovering nicely alongside its sibling.@beylikduzu_alfa_veteriner


While it is remarkable that this mother dog, out of memory, instinct, desperation, or a combination of those traits took her puppy to the clinic, the onus cannot be on dogs themselves to receive the help and care they need. Fortunately, there are several animal shelters and clinics that can help care for these animals, but they still need to find ways to get there. Not all of them have smart dog mothers that can get them to a helpful human vet.

Puppy sleeping against a mother dogThe puppy lives thanks to its mother's quick action and trust in local veterinarians.@beylikduzu_alfa_veteriner

If you wish to help out a stray animal, such as a dog or cat, there are some steps you can take to be prepared if the situation presents itself. The Humane Society has a bunch of quality tips, such as keeping your car with supplies like fresh water, bowls, pet food, heavy blankets,and such to keep the animal comfortable while waiting for animal control to arrive at the scene or if you choose to transport them yourself to a nearby shelter. Before you stock up, you should research to see if there are any state or local laws regarding housing lost or stray animals to make sure you’re following the legal methods.

We share a lot of space with “man’s best friend” and the least we can do is be a best friend back to them, especially when they’re in need.

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Pop Culture

3 reasons why my mom swears the 1993 Super Mario movie is actually an all-time classic

Even the stars of the movie hated it. But not my mom. Please allow her to explain.

Rotten Tomatoes Classic Trailers/Buena Vista Pictures Distribution

Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as Mario and Luigi in one of the worst films ever made.

The Super Mario Bros. movie (the original 1993 one, not the 2023 Chris Pratt version that gave us the now-classic “Peaches” singing meme) is nearly universally reviled as one of the worst movies of all time. Rotten Tomatoes currently has it at a 29% approval rating among critics and 30% approval among regular viewers. It also bombed at the box office. Per Box Office Mojo, it made slightly over $8.5 million dollars against the production budget of $48 million. That was in 1993 money!

Yet somehow, in spite of all of the reasons why it's terrible from a creative and financial perspective, in spite of all logic, it's my 70-something-year-old mother's favorite movie.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

In an interview with The Guardian, the late Bob Hoskins, a BAFTA and Golden Globe winner, who starred in the movie answered the following speed round questions:

“What is the worst job you've done?”

“Super Mario Brothers.”

“What has been your biggest disappointment?”

“Super Mario Brothers.”

“If you could edit your past, what would you change?”

“I wouldn't do Super Mario Brothers.”

The lead star of the movie hated it, too, but he at least got paid to slog through it. So why is it that the 1993 Super Mario Bros. film is my boomer mother’s favorite movie? Maybe it was some of the lessons it taught in the movie’s plot along with the lessons learned during the making of it.

Lesson #1 - Focus is important, especially in relationships and creative pursuits

This isn't about focus in the cinematography-sense, but in terms of pursuits. In the movie, Mario and Luigi shift their focus from their plumbing business to something more important: their relationships. Both of their love interests, Daniella and Princess Daisy, are kidnapped by Koopa’s henchmen, leading them to drop focus on their plumbing jobs and follow their kidnappers into an alternate dank Blade Runner dimension with dinosaur people. One of the downfalls in Koopa’s plan to merge Dinohattan’s dimension with Earth’s was shifting his focus away from his girlfriend, Lena, who became jealous and tried to overthrow him. In the end, by focusing on the mantra “trust the fungus” our heroes are able to defeat Koopa and keep our dimensions from merging together into something off-putting, goopy, and with decent but poorly utilized practical effects.

If you’re reading this thinking that “focus” as a motif for the film is weak at best, you’d be correct. However, focus is still a lesson learned from the making of this movie.

An in-depth article in Inverse shed light on the vast number of script rewrites, random changes, and split-decisions made on a whim that made production of the movie a complete mess. An early script was co-written by Dick Clement, a person who never played a Super Mario Bros. video game. The story was then altered to be a “love story between two brothers” that was grounded in reality according to the film’s co-director Rocky Morton. Keep in mind that this is a movie intended for children inspired by a game that featured two plumbers jumping on floating platforms and anthropomorphic bipedal turtles. Then the producer had notes to make the movie more magical. Then Nintendo intervened, nearly scrapping the whole thing. Then the script was rewritten again by another set of writers. Then those writers were asked to come to set to rewrite scenes as the movie was shooting.

This haphazard focus not only moved whatever story there was into different directions and visions, but also tainted the relationships between the writers, directors, producers, Nintendo, and the actors. Had they been on the same page from the beginning, or fully compromised to one shared vision, they might not have made a masterpiece but it would have made a more focused film. Or at least a film that didn’t threaten the careers of so many people involved. The film was so unfocused that even Bob Hoskins didn’t know it was based on a video game until his kid showed him.

Lesson #2 - Know which instincts to follow (and which ones to ignore)

A throughline in the movie is Luigi following his instinct when making decisions. It starts with taking a shortcut in the plumbing truck to beat a competitor to a pipe job, continues to him pursuing Daisy both romantically and through a dimensional portal, all the way to the bittersweet ending. Following his instincts got him into trouble, but also got him into a wild— poorly written, but wild— adventure and a great love in his life.

The filmmakers, on the other hand, should’ve followed less of their instincts and more reason. Like maybe play the video game and base the film more on that while taking their ideas for a brotherly love drama or dino-dystopian sci-fi film for a separate project. Or, in the actors’ case, not get drunk between scenes.

In fact, maybe I should follow my instinct like Luigi did and abandon this entire premise to just share an actual lesson I learned that truly matters.

Final Lesson - Every movie is someone’s favorite movie.

In 1993, my mother didn’t care about how accurate or inaccurate the Mario Bros movie would be the “lore” of the games. She didn’t care about rocky storytelling, weird special effects, or the behind-the-scenes troubles. She’s not a film buff at all. She was a public school teacher that wanted to give her 10-year-old son and his kid sister a fun afternoon at the movies during summer break .

She loved how we all shared the bag of Reese's Pieces she snuck into the theater in her purse. We liked having a nice break from the heat inside a dark, air-conditioned room. She enjoyed the weird-looking Goomba creatures and how we reacted to them. She liked the slapstick moments that her kids found funny. I’m sure she probably remembered the joy in my face after the movie and asking her for quarters to play The Simpsons arcade cabinet afterward. Because she loved all of that, I love this movie, too.

The movie is great for reasons that have nothing to do with it. It’s a memory, a moment in time for her. It’s a time she remembers when her little boy was excited at the start of the summer, and when his little sister was at an age when she would just be excited because everyone around her was excited. Growing up, we didn’t make a lot of money left for vacations, trips to amusement parks, and such. But we had the movies.

From that point on, she’d bring up the Mario Bros. movie whenever a movie trailer that was similar in tone popped up on TV, Or when talking about my childhood during dinners when I flew back home to visit. The film is objectively bad by every measure, yet I can’t help but smile like a goof looking back on it.

There are several films that reach people’s hearts, regardless of their quality. There’s probably a movie you watched whenever you were sick as a kid. Or a film your grandpa liked and showed you after you promised not to tell your parents. It could be that terrible movie that was the first date you had with your now-spouse. It could even be a movie that no one has ever seen except for you and your friends because you made it. Every film is someone’s favorite.

Specifically for the 1993 Super Mario Bros. movie, I’m not alone in being a fan. While the movie isn’t available anywhere to stream (legally) as of this writing, it has enough of a cult following that a special edition 4K blu-ray was made for super fans to celebrate its 30th anniversary.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

Did I buy one of those super-expensive special edition copies of the film? No. Did I go on eBay to find a used DVD copy of the movie to give to my mom for Christmas? Definitely. And the hug and kiss I got from her after she unwrapped it was worth every $15 plus shipping.

Will she actually sit down and rewatch it? I don’t know. It frankly doesn’t matter. I don’t even know if she saw it again after we watched it together at the AMC in Southwyck Mall back in 1993. But she has the memory of that, along with the memory of me giving it to her decades later. Now, so do I. The lesson this movie taught me is that the activity usually isn't what makes a memory great, but it's the people around it that does.

Review Rating: ****

Family enjoying a movie at a movie theaterMemories of the the movies can be better than memories of the movie itself.Photo credit: Canva

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Pets

He rescued a baby parrot with birth defects. His reaction to its first steps is priceless.

This is what pure joy looks like.

Photo by Mariano Mollo on Unsplash

A sweet rescue and a lot of love.

Saving the life of one small animal among the billions upon billions of living things on Earth may not seem significant in the big picture, but when that one's life is in your hands, it means the world.

In 2022, Yassin Elmahgoub was a medical student from Egypt who shared the journey of a tiny baby parrot he rescued. The parrot, who he named Mumble, was born with birth defects and wasn't able to stand or walk. With the help of a parrot behavior consultant, Elmahgoub hand-fed Mumble, nursed him to good health, and helped him develop mobility.

In a TikTok video that's been viewed more than 8 million times, Elmahgoub shared Mumble's journey from his earliest days until he was finally able to walk on his own.

"I bottle fed him and started his treatment," Elmahgoub wrote. "It took days and hours of support and physiotherapy but our team could do it."

And they did. But even better than seeing Mumble take his first steps is seeing Elmahgoub's reaction to it. Watch:

@yassinelmahgoub

This is the best thing that happened to me in a while. All it takes is one person to save a life. @Sara Haytham couldn’t do it without u #fyp #hope #rescue #bird #positivity #medicine #medicalstudent #arabs #egypt #cairo #viral

The persistence and gentle patience of nursing Mumble paid off, and Elmahgoub's celebration is joy personified. People absolutely loved it.

"I love animals..but the pure joy on that guy's face is simply beautiful," wrote one commenter.

"This is one of the best and heartwarming things I’ve seen in a while, thank you so much for this," wrote another.

"Oh I was not prepared for those tears!" wrote another "What joy this sweet bird has brought him, SO sweet!"

Elmahgoub has shared updates on Mumble's progress since sharing the viral video. Check out this follow-up video culminating with Mumble at Day 60 in all of his beautiful blue glory.

@yassinelmahgoub

Growth takes time. For those asking about how mumble is doing now here you go. #fyp #foryou #positive #positivity #rescue #bird #rescuebird #medicine #medicalstudent #medical #arabs #egypt #cairo #viral

Mumble has not only learned to stand and walk, but he has learned to fly as well. Just amazing.

@yassinelmahgoub

And it was all yellow #fyp #foryou #postive #postivity #postiveenergy #rescue #rescuebird #medicine #medicalstudent #medical #arabs #egypt #cairo #viral

Congrats to Mumble and kudos to Yassin Elmahgoub for caring so much and sharing this happy journey to mobility with us. Imagine what a beautiful world we could create if we all took such good care of living things, including one another.

You can follow Elmahgoub and Mumble's ongoing story on TikTok and Instagram. And for a sweet update, congratulations are in order! Elmahgoub recently finished school and is now the first doctor in his family!

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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