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'Just keep looking at it'. Tom Cruise's advice for overcoming social anxiety is actually spot on.

His advice helped his Mission impossible co-star Haley Atwell through some tough times.

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A still from 'Mission Impossible: Final Reckoning."

Not only can Tom Cruise do his own stunts, he's pretty good at giving pep talks too. At least, according to his Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One co-star, Haley Atwell. While promoting the film earlier this year on the Reign with Josh Smith, Atwell revealed that she, like so many of us, struggles with social anxiety, which often overwhelms her and makes her want to retreat.

But she was saved by incredibly insightful advice from Tom Cruise, which she imparts to the audience. After describing him as a positive "hair dryer" just blowing his positive energy around, Josh asks, "What's the best pep talk he's given you?" Haley answers, "Social anxiety tends to be something that people talk about a lot at the moment. It seems to be quite a buzzword of conversation."

They both agree that everyone has some version of anxiety, whether it's in a big group of people, a new work environment, or even just around a small group of friends. She confesses, "For me, I start to retreat into myself and overthink. 'Do I look weird? Do I seem awkward?' I'm not speaking, I'm just muffling my words or I need something to numb me from this.'"

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Luckily, Cruise has quite a simple way to combat these feelings. "The pep talk he gave me helps, which is that if you walk into a room and feel the anxieties coming, try doing the opposite. Try to look OUT and look around the room and go, 'Where is it? Where is the thing I have attached to my insecurity?'"

The idea is to pinpoint the place where her (or any of our) anxiety might be rooted. "Is it that person over there who reminds me of my high school bully? Is it that person over there who didn't give me a job once?" Once the source is recognized, if possible, Cruise suggests asking yourself, "Where does it live outside of me, and where do I feel like the source might be coming from?"

Haley emphasizes that examining her fear, which Cruise encourages, truly helps the anxiety subside. She continues, "If I look at it for long enough, the anxiety then can have a name. It can have a label and be contained, instead of free-floating, where I'm just in a total struggle internally with my own anxiety." Seeing through this prism, she shares, "If I’m scared of something, if I keep looking at it long enough, it tends to not be the monster under the bed anymore."

Tom Cruise, actor, social anxiety, advice, mental health, haley atwell, mission impossible, anxiety A photo of Haley Atwell at an event.commons.wikimedia.org

Naming the emotion, whether it's jealousy, loneliness, etc., can help you outwardly address it so that it doesn't fester in your mind. She reiterates Cruise's words: "If you're scared of something, just keep looking at it. Try not to look away, and it will often give you information about how to overcome it."

Cruise's advice isn't all that different from many professional therapists. In the blog post, "How to overcome social anxiety: 8 tips and strategies" (clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA, for Calm.com,) ideas on how to overcome social anxiety are given and number one on the list could have been written by Cruise himself: "Identify your triggers," they write, explaining, "The first step to managing social anxiety is understanding what sparks it. Triggers can be unique to each person. Some might find large gatherings intimidating, while for others, it might be public speaking. To identify your triggers, keep a journal of your feelings and the situations that make you anxious. Recognizing these triggers is a crucial step in managing your reactions to them."

They also suggest, among other ideas, breathing techniques such as the 4-7-8 method: breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 7, and breathing out for 8. They also advise "challenging negative thought patterns." They explain, "Practice challenging these thoughts. Ask yourself: 'Is this thought based on facts or feelings? What's the best thing that could happen?' Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can help reduce feelings of anxiety."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Whether you take the advice from therapists or Tom Cruise, the takeaway remains more or less the same. Take your time to identify the source of what's triggering you. Great to know that what works for Ethan Hunt can works for the rest of us.

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Therapist explains his controversial theory: That it's normal to 'hate' your spouse

He also explains one thing everyone gets wrong when their partner is angry at them.

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Is it normal to hate your spouse, even in brief moments?

Marriage is hard. On your wedding day, you "know" it will be hard, and people tell you it will be hard, but you don't really fully understand. Not until you're years deep and navigating a joint life with another human being who has their own wants, desires, emotions, thoughts, and opinions.

Some people believe it's so hard because human beings aren't biologically wired for monogamy. Others believe we just don't do a good enough job of preparing ourselves for the more difficult aspects of lifelong partnership, leading to the notoriously high divorce rate.

A renowned couple's therapist named Terrence Real has been grabbing headlines with his somewhat controversial idea that could help save many relationships. He calls it "normal marital hatred."


marriage, couples, couples therapy, marriage advice, marriage tips, couples counseling, psychologist, therapist, divorceOnce the wedding day has come and gone, things get real. Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

Real was recently on the Tim Ferris Podcast, where he elaborated on what he believes is a critically under-discussed aspect of relationships:.

“The essential rhythm of all relationships is harmony, disharmony, and repair," he says. "Closeness, disruption, and a return to closeness. That's where the skills come in, how to move from disruption to repair. Our culture doesn't teach it."

Real says every couple will have moments, days, or even longer stretches of dissatisfaction, and that those feelings can be much more powerful than you might think.

“So, here's what I wanna say about disharmony: It hurts, it's dark. You can really, really feel like, 'What the hell did I get myself into? This is such a disappointment.’ And guess what? Your partner's probably feeling that about you too.”

His concept of normal marital hatred is fascinating. It takes a shocking idea, that you could "hate" your partner, and puts it right there next to the word "normal." Internalizing the idea might seem pretty bleak to young people getting ready to settle down, but Real doesn't want people to panic or bail rather than sticking it out. Again, he says it's completely normal.

“I talk about normal marital hatred when you're in that dark phase. You hate your partner, that's okay. It's part of the deal for many of it. I've been going around the world talking about normal marital hatred for, oh my god, what? 30 years. ... It's okay, kids — don't sweat it. You can get through it. It's normal. Relax.”

Watch the whole clip here:


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Therapist Terry Real on Normal Marital Hatred. (From my brand-new interview with Terry.) #couples #therapy

Commenters were, for the most part, in strong agreement with Real's blunt assessment.

"Hatred disappears when a person able to hold 2 truths simultaneously: I love you, I don’t like you now. Dialectical thinking"

"When people stop romanticizing relationships and realize you're relating to another autonomous human being, it's easier to understand, relate, love and also forgive."

"This is such an important topic that it's not talked about enough. Marriage is not some fairytale can't run away when you hate your partner because in a week you'll probably love them again."

"Hatred is a pretty strong word but I appreciate the concept behind the theory. My theory is space and grace. Grant each other a little space to cool down but the grace to come back and repair."

Others wondered if the term 'hatred' was really accurate, or maybe just a gimmick to make the concept more controversial and marketable:

"To me, hatred is too strong a word. I don’t hate my spouse. I often times do not like him, but I always love him. 33 years of a solid, loving marriage."

"Hatred is a brutal way to put it. Wrong word."

"I have NEVER hated my late husband of 16 years or my partner of 4 years! I have been utterly pissed at both hurt by them unclear if I can make it another day through xyz but not hate never hate"

It all begs the question: What are feelings of hatred, really?


marriage, couples, couples therapy, marriage advice, marriage tips, couples counseling, psychologist, therapist, divorceIt's normal to be upset at or even dislike your partner sometimes. Is it really normal to hate them? Photo by Mattia on Unsplash

Not to be that guy, but Merriam-Webster defines hatred as: "Extreme dislike or disgust...ill will or resentment ... prejudiced hostility or animosity"

That sounds like a dangerous combination of feelings to feel toward your partner! Dislike or disgust? Maybe, in brief doses. But many experts say that resentment and animosity are very close cousins of the infamous Four Horsemen, or communication styles that can be predictive of divorce. The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute found that when these patterns show up regularly, even in just a single conversation, it often spells doom for the couple.

However, Real emphasizes that these negative feelings we might get toward our partner (the so-called hatred) are usually temporary, even appearing for just a brief moment or two.

Regardless of the terminology, Real is right about one thing: Normal, healthy marriages will have conflict and moments where partners don't like each other very much. Navigating them successfully is key.

Luckily, he has advice for that, too.

“In normal circumstances, if you’re unhappy with me, that is not the time for me to talk to you about how unhappy I am with you,” he said. “Everybody gets that wrong.”

In other words, these moments of dislike/hatred/disagreement/or whatever you want it call it should be opportunities for partners to listen to each other and not escalate the conflict into a power struggle. They are opportunities for better communication and for partners to better learn how to meet each other's needs.

Feeling that hatred is not the problem. Feeding it and allowing it to grow is what makes it really dangerous.

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Julia Louis-Dreyfus is listening to older women, and you should too

Her podcast, Wiser Than Me, is an absolute delight.

In 2015, Comedy Central premiered “one of the greatest sketches in television history,” according to Variety. The ingenious, gutsy satire starts with Tina Fey, Patricia Arquette, and Amy Schumer picnicking together in the middle of an idyllic field. It’s a momentous day: they’ve gathered to celebrate their great friend and colleague, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. You see, it’s her last f*ckable day. A whip-smart satire about Hollywood's double standard and aging, it stars an A-list ensemble of the industry's wittiest actors who absolutely skewer and outright disprove the belief that youth should be the ultimate prize. Basically, The Substance, just a decade earlier.

Now, Louis-Dreyfus is on a mission to uplift and celebrate the voices of the many iconic women who have come before her. On her podcast, Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis-Dreyfus (launched in 2023 by Lemonada Media), she champions the women whose shoulders she has stood on; they are the pioneers who have inspired millions and forever altered the fabric of society through the use of their gifts, talent, and hard work. Most need no introduction, with guests including Jane Fonda, Patti Smith, Isabel Allende, Ina Garten, Billie Jean King, and Gloria Steinem, among others. Guided endearingly by their host, Louis-Dreyfus, these women answer every question and avoid nothing, all while remaining kind, observant, and matter-of-fact. They are, as JLD says, "wiser than her." And it doesn't take a genius to realize that we could all benefit from hearing what these incredible women have to say.


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Michael B. Jordan ran into his middle-school bully on the red carpet and confronted her

He didn't forget.

via Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

Michael B. Jordan speaking at the 2017 San Diego Comic Con International, for "Black Panther", at the San Diego Convention Center in San Diego, California.

As long as humans have endeavored to do anything great, there have been those who have tried to take them down. These are the opposite of the creators in life: the bullies, haters, and naysayers who only want to bring people down to their level. But when you have a dream and desire, its possible to tune out the voices of negativity.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better,” Theodore Roosevelt once said. “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena." Some folks use the naysayers as fuel to push them to work even harder. Basketball legend Michael Jordan was infamous for letting his thirst for revenge drive him to even greater heights on the court.

Another Michael Jordan, Black Panther star, Michael B. Jordan, came face to face with someone who doubted that he could reach his dreams, and he wasn’t shy about letting her know that he remembered. What's Upworthy about the encounter is that he did so with class and confidence.

In 2023, Jordan was on the red carpet for the premiere of Creed III, a film he starred in and directed. He was interviewed by The Morning Hustle radio show host Lore’l, who had recently admitted on the Undressing Room podcast that she used to make fun of him in school.

“You know what’s so crazy? I went to school with Michael B. Jordan at a point in life,” Lore’l said. “And to be honest with you, we teased him all the damn time because his name was Michael Jordan. Let’s start there, and he was no Michael Jordan.”

“He also would come to school with a headshot,” she added. “We lived in Newark. That’s the hood. We would make fun of him like, ‘What you gonna do with your stupid headshot?’ And now look at him!”

In addition, her co-host, Eva Marcille, referred to Jordan as “corny.”

- YouTubeyoutu.be

Jordan had no problem discussing their past on the red carpet. “We go way back, all the way back to Chad Science [Academy] in Newark,” Lore’l told the actor. Oh yeah, I was the corny kid, right?” Jordan responded with a smirk.

“No, you did not hear me say that! I said we used to make fun of the name,” Lore’l said.

“I heard it,” Jordan said. “I heard it. It’s all good. What’s up?” he responded. “But yeah, [you are] obviously killing things out here…you’re not corny anymore,” Lore’l clarified.

After the exchange went viral, Lore’l admitted that she teased Jordan in school, but they were only classmates for one year.

“So, the narrative that I bullied him all throughout high school—this was 7th grade. We were like 12 years old, and everyone made fun of each other,” Lore’l told TMZ after facing backlash from fans of Jordan. "The whole bully narrative is crazy... That was school, you know. That was one year. And, again, I’ve never bullied him. That just sounds so outrageous to me.”

Whether qualified as bullying or not, teasing someone for things they can't control like their name, appearance, or personality is extremely harmful. Usually, teasing is more lighthearted and the person being teased is in on the joke; it's not done with the intent to hurt or belittle the person. In an article for Understood—a nonprofit dedicated to providing resources and support to people around the world "who learn and think differently" in school, at work, and throughout life—editor and attorney Andrew M.I. Lee, JD writes that teasing is "a form of communication," usually between friends or even (potential) romantic partners (i.e. flirting). However, Lee notes that because some bullying begins as teasing and some teasing is indeed done with negative intent, the whole thing is complicated. In short, teasing could be experienced as bullying depending on the context and, according to Psychology Today, bullying physically harms the brain and can lead to mental health issues such as chronic anxiety and depression.

bullying, bullies, bully, social media, cyberbullyTeasing and bullying can be harmful. Canva photos.

Jordan later shared some advice on how to deal with bullies.

"Just stay focused, just stay locked in,” he told a reporter from Complex. “You know, just follow your heart, try to block out the noise and distractions as much as possible and run your race. Don't compare yourself to anybody else. Just keep going."

Sounds like good advice from someone who truly knows what he's talking about.

But remember: bullying can go both ways. In an attempt to defend Jordan, many fans of the star in turn bullied (and threatened) Lore'l pretty mercilessly. The unfortunate bottom line is that bullying is likely going to keep happening in this world, especially thanks to the Internet and social media. But when it does, we can all take a page from Jordan's book and handle it with class and truth. Who knows? If we stand up to bullies, call out bad behavior, and defend those being bullied around us, we just might be able to nip bullying in the bud.

be kind, kindness, anti-bullying, bully, kindBe Nice GIF by Microsoft StoreGiphy

This article originally appeared last year.

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