upworthy

bullying

Kids don't always know how their actions affect others.

There are a lot of resources and conversations out there focused on teaching kids how to deal with bullies. But what about when it’s your own kid who’s doing the bullying?

Or course, that can be a hard reality to face. Virtually no one raises their kiddo to be a bully. But children, as innocent as they aren’t, aren’t born fully knowing boundaries and consequences. And without being taught these things, lines get crossed.

And this is the very valuable point that Rachel (@rachel.the.editor) made in a clip posted to her TikTok, where she challenged the common language used in most anti-bullying tactics.

“Have we ever considered the fact that anti-bullying messaging for kids is often centered around the victim and some anonymous evil bully and never teaching kids to recognize when they are being the bully?” she asked.

Gong further, she added that while she doesn't think kids are “inherently evil,” they don’t necessarily “have the emotional maturity to know the effect that they’re having on other kids.”

Therefore, she argued that it’s just as, if not more important, that we teach kids how to recognize bully patterns within themselves, and not just “learning how to deal with this anonymous, shapeless, evil bully figure.”

Rachel certainly has a point. We’ve all seen the usual victim/villain dynamic, both in anti-bullying education…and pretty much every movie centered around an adolescent. Some Biff-type shoves the outcast kid into a locker. Or a Regina George-esque mean girl spreads nasty rumors. Either way, they get their rightful comeuppance by the time the credits roll.

bullying, teaching kids about bullying, anti-bullying, anti-bullying resources, how to deal with bullies, is my kid a bully, parentingGif from 'Mean Girls'media0.giphy.com

But of course, real life doesn't work that way at all. In real life, kids aren’t going to see their teasing or antagonizing as “bullying,” because they don’t want to see themselves as the “bad people” bullies must surely be, given the examples they've been given.

Judging by the comments, folks have also noticed how the current way of doing things falls a little flat.

“The amount of times I've talked to kids being ‘bullied’ only for it to turn out they are the ones antagonizing the other students,” one person wrote. “No one wants to play with you because when you lose you hit them!”

Another added, “YES cuz usually the ‘bully' =; in these existing stories is so cartoonishly evil that real life bullies probably go ‘Obviously that’s not me, I’m just messing around and having fun. They’ve no clue.”

Yet another said, “Kids aren’t going to come home from school like 'mom I’m bullying someone.' They’re going to say 'there’s this weird kid at school.’ Parents never think their kid is the problem…”

bullying, teaching kids about bullying, anti-bullying, anti-bullying resources, how to deal with bullies, is my kid a bully, parentingGIF from 'The Wonder Years.'media1.giphy.com

While it can be hard for parents to come to label their sweet kiddo as bullies, it can serve as an impactful opportunity for growth. After all, they're still learning how to navigate this thing called life, and are bound to make mistakes along the way. But if we can use those mistakes to teach things like empathy and emotional regulation, rather than simply instilling punishment for "bad behavior,” they can take those lessons with them into adulthood.

It’s also worth noting that seeing bully-type behavior doesn’t make you a bad parent. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), it can’t always be 100% prevented. However, they say that “you can help him build coping skills to deal with difficult situations. Spend time with your child, show him love and encouragement, and model good behavior toward others. Talk through difficult situations with your child so he knows he can trust you with his problems.”

Bottom line: while it’s important to teach kids how to stand up to the potential bullies in their life, it’s equally vital to teach them accountability. Luckily, kids are pretty darn receptive.

Parenting

Mom shows the heart-wrenching reality of kids being left out of class birthday party invites

"I'm sad for you cause that's not nice. That's not how we treat other people, right?"

Mom shows heartbreaking reality of preschool 'mean girls'

A heartbroken mom starts an important conversation about the impact of excluding children after her daughter reveals she was the only child not invited to a classmates birthday party. Nothing hurts a parent's heart like seeing your child cry after someone hurts their feelings. You know the day will come at some point but nothing ever quite prepares you for how you will handle it once it happens.

Young children don't understand why they're being left out of things or why someone would purposely hurt their feelings so it can hit them hard. Alyssa Miller came to the abrupt realization that her daughter was the odd girl out in class after she tearfully confesses she wasn't invited to a classmates birthday party. In the video shared to social media, Miller starts recording in the middle of the conversation while the two are sitting in the car after school pick up.

"How do you know you didn't get invited," the mom asks, to which her daughter replies through tears, "she told me." This revelation is clearly a little jarring for Miller but she tries to remain light and comforting for her child, explaining that it wasn't nice for the other child to say that. While Miller's daughter is only in Voluntary Pre Kindergarten (VPK), this type of exclusionary behavior isn't new for little kids.

Sad Married At First Sight GIF by LifetimeGiphy

"That's not how we treat other people right? And you're so beautiful and you're so kind, okay? This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them, okay? I love you. You're worthy of great, amazing friends, okay? Sometimes they just take a while to find," the mom says through tears while hugging her crying daughter.

This increase in bullying behaviors in girls as young as five years old has been being discussed for decades. In a study published in 2020 by the National Library of Medicine the authors explain, "Younger preschoolers also exhibit relatively simple and direct relational aggression, such as directly telling a peer they cannot play with them, whereas older preschoolers and school age children start to show more complicated relational aggression, such as playing nice upfront but disseminating malicious rumors behind the back."


@alyssa_miller01 I debated on whether or not to share this. But my girl is just so heart broke. Raising your child to think it’s acceptable to intentionally leave out another child and make them feel less than is something I will never be ok with. Teach your babies to be kind and welcoming to everyone. I thought I would have YEARS before something like this happened but sadly here we are in VPK. #kindness #teachkindness #bekind #bullies #bully #leftout #kidsoftiktok #parentsoftiktok #momsoftiktok ♬ original sound - Lyss

Unfortunately, this type of exclusionary behavior is what Miller's daughter experienced at preschool. In the mom's caption she shares that she knew this day would come but she wasn't expecting it so soon.

"I debated on whether or not to share this. But my girl is just so heart broke. Raising your child to think it’s acceptable to intentionally leave out another child and make them feel less than is something I will never be ok with. Teach your babies to be kind and welcoming to everyone. I thought I would have YEARS before something like this happened but sadly here we are in VPK," she writes.

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Miller's emotional response to her daughter's pain resonated with other parents who offered the duo support in the comments. Even pop star Meghan Trainor offered support writing in all caps, "ILL INVITE HER OMG TELL HER I LOVE HER," complete with four sobbing emojis.

"Her fixing your hair after you fixed hers, you’re modeling such kindness and love for her, she’s going to be such an emotionally intelligent and kind grownup," one person says.

"You told her all the right things mama how heartbreaking," another chimes in.


Sad Cry GIFGiphy

"This happened to my son, all the kids talked about it at pickup and my son hid behind me crying. Thankfully the teacher reached out to all the parents and said it's unacceptable and not right," someone else shares.

"Oh my gosh! My heart broke!! You’re such a good mama! I loved that you told her It has nothing to with her and everything to do with them!! Please let baby girl know that she is so so loved," a commenter offers.

There were plenty of invites from across the country from people offering to throw the girl her own party to authors wanting to send children's books. The support Miller received from her tearful moment with her daughter was palpable. Hopefully after this negative experience the little girl will have much happier days ahead with friends that will always want her to come to their birthday parties.


@thehalfdeaddad/TikTok

Dad on TikTok shared how he addressed his son's bullying.

What do you do when you find out your kid bullied someone? For many parents, the first step is forcing an apology. While this response is of course warranted, is it really effective? Some might argue that there are more constructive ways of handling the situation that teach a kid not only what they did wrong, but how to make things right again.

Single dad Patrick Forseth recently shared how he made a truly teachable moment out of his son, Lincoln, getting into trouble for bullying. Rather than forcing an apology, Forseth made sure his son was actively part of a solution.

The thought process behind his decision, which he explained in a now-viral TikTok video, is both simple and somewhat radical compared to how many parents have been encouraged to handle similar situations.

“I got an email a few days ago from my 9-year-old son's teacher that he had done a ‘prank’ to a fellow classmate and it ended up embarrassing the classmate and hurt his feelings,” the video begins.

At this point, Forseth doesn’t split hairs. “I don't care who you are, that's bullying,” he said. “If you do something to somebody that you know has the potential end result of them being embarrassed in front of a class or hurt—you’re bullying.”

So, Forseth and Lincoln sat down for a long talk (a talk, not a lecture) about appropriate punishment and how it would have felt to be on the receiving end of such a prank.

From there, Forseth told his son that he would decide how to make things right, making it a masterclass in taking true accountability.

“I demanded nothing out of him. I demanded no apology, I demanded no apology to the teacher,” he continued, adding, “I told him that we have the opportunity to go back and make things right. We can't take things back, but we can try to correct things and look for forgiveness.”

@thehalfdeaddad Replying to @sunshinyday1227 And then it’s my kid 🤦‍♂️😡 #endbullyingnow #talktoyourkidsmore #dadlifebestlife #singledadsover40 #teachyourchildren #ReadySetLift ♬ Get You The Moon - Kina

So, what did Lincoln do? He went back to his school and actually talked to the other boy he pranked. After learning that they shared a love of Pokémon, he then went home to retrieve two of his favorite Pokémon cards as a peace offering, complete with a freshly cleaned case.

Lincoln would end up sharing with his dad that the other boy was so moved by the gesture that he would end up hugging him.

“I just want to encourage all parents to talk to your kids,” Forseth concluded. “Let's try to avoid just the swat on the butt [and] send them to their room. Doesn't teach them anything.”

In Forseth’s opinion, kids get far more insight by figuring out how to resolve a problem themselves. “That's what they're actually going to face in the real world once they move out of our nests.”

He certainly has a point. A slap on the wrist followed by being marched down somewhere to say, “I’m sorry,” only further humiliates kids most of the time. With this gentler approach, kids are taught the intrinsic value of making amends after wrongdoing, not to mention the power of their own autonomy. Imagine that—blips in judgment can end up being major character-building moments.

Kudos to this dad and his very smart parenting strategy.


This article originally appeared three years ago.

Michael B. Jordan speaking at the 2017 San Diego Comic Con International, for "Black Panther", at the San Diego Convention Center in San Diego, California.

As long as humans have endeavored to do anything great, there have been those who have tried to take them down. These are the opposite of the creators in life: the bullies, haters and naysayers who only want to bring people down to their level. But when you have a dream and desire, its easy to tune out the voices of negativity.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better,” Theodore Roosevelt once said. “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena." Some folks use the naysayers as fuel to push them to work even harder. Basketball legend Michael Jordan was infamous for letting his thirst for revenge drive him to even greater heights on the court.

Another Michael Jordan, "Black Panther" star, Michael B. Jordan, came face to face with someone who doubted that he could reach his dreams, and he wasn’t shy about letting her know that he remembered. What's Upworthy about the encounter is that he did so with class and confidence.

In 2023, Jordan was on the red carpet for the premiere of "Creed III," a film he starred in and directed. He was interviewed by “The Morning Hustle” radio show host Lore’l, who had recently admitted on the “Undressing Room” podcast that she used to make fun of him in school.

“You know what’s so crazy? I went to school with Michael B. Jordan at a point in life,” Lore’l said. “And to be honest with you, we teased him all the damn time because his name was Michael Jordan. Let’s start there, and he was no Michael Jordan.”

“He also would come to school with a headshot,” she added. “We lived in Newark. That’s the hood. We would make fun of him like, ‘What you gonna do with your stupid headshot?’ And now look at him!”

In addition, her co-host, Eva Marcille, referred to Jordan as “corny.”

Jordan had no problem discussing their past on the red carpet. “We go way back, all the way back to Chad Science [Academy] in Newark,” Lore’l told the actor. Oh yeah, I was the corny kid, right?” Jordan responded with a smirk.

“No, you did not hear me say that! I said we used to make fun of the name,” Lore’l said.

“I heard it,” Jordan said. “I heard it. It’s all good. What’s up?” he responded. “But yeah, [you are] obviously killing things out here…you’re not corny anymore,” Lore’l clarified.

After the exchange went viral, Lore’l admitted that she teased Jordan in school, but they were only classmates for one year.

“So the narrative that I bullied him all throughout high school—this was 7th grade. We were like 12 years old, and everyone made fun of each other,” Lore’l said. “That was school, you know. That was one year. And, again, I’ve never bullied him. That just sounds so outrageous to me.”

Jordan later shared some advice on how to deal with bullies.

"Just stay focused, just stay locked in,” he told a reporter from Complex. “You know, just follow your heart, try to block out the noise and distractions as much as possible and run your race. Don't compare yourself to anybody else. Just keep going."

This article originally appeared in April.