There’s a fine line between being honest and being mean. Some people are honest but know how to couch their opinion in a positive, constructive light. Some people are proud of being "brutally honest," but they often use it as an excuse to hurt other people’s feelings. Honesty is an excellent virtue, but it takes self-awareness and tact to wield it humanely.
If your friend is getting ready to go on a date and asks if you like their shoes, instead of saying, "Your shoes look awful," you can suggest they try on another pair. Or, if they ask whether you liked their macaroni and cheese, instead of pointing out that someone else’s is better, you could simply suggest cooking the noodles a bit longer.
Was he being honest or abusive?
A 26-year-old woman posted on Reddit's Two Hot Takes subforum to ask whether her boyfriend's friends, who pride themselves on "brutal honesty," were wielding their supposed virtue as a sword to cut her down.
"When we started dating, he told me his friend group is 'brutally honest,' and I thought that just meant they roast each other a lot," she wrote. "Nope. Apparently, they have a rule that says if someone complains about their partner, that partner is fair game for group feedback. I did not fully understand what that meant until last weekend."
Recently, she was hanging out with his friends when they started picking on her about traits they said she needed to improve. She wrote, "Like, 'you apologize too much, it is kind of manipulative,' 'you act shy but actually you like control,' 'you talk about your job too much, it is boring for the rest of us.' All delivered like they're doing me a favor. My boyfriend just sat there nodding and occasionally adding examples."
When the woman said their remarks hurt her, they responded that it was only because they "care to be real" with her. This prompted her to ask the forum: "Is this actually some healthy communication thing that my thin skin can't handle, or is this just a circle of people who enjoy tearing others apart and slapping a self-help label on it?"
What did the commenters have to say?
The commenters overwhelmingly agreed with the woman, and many pointed out that her boyfriend has abusive tendencies.
"Complaining to his friends and having them gang up on you is not radical honesty. He's crowdsourcing his bullying. Gross," the most popular commenter wrote. "Not radical honesty, this is public shaming. He’s prioritizing his friends over your feelings, and that’s a red flag," another wrote. "When someone puts you down like that, and the someone who is supposed to love you sit there, listens, and then contributes. GIRL, RUN! If you allow this, you're going to feel worse and worse about yourself, and then you'll be right where they want you. Down on their feet, kissing the ground they walk on," a commenter wrote.
A woman touching her nose while looking at a laptop.via Canva/Photos
So how do we know the difference between someone who’s "just being honest" and being abusive? According to Dr. Sheri Jacobson, it has to do with intention.
"The difference here is that a person who verbally abuses another has no intention of seeing the positive side, considering the other’s viewpoint, or helping them improve," Jacobson writes at Harley Therapy. "They have the intention, admitted or not, of hurting and controlling the person they offer their 'feedback' to. Verbal also abuse tends to criticise you as a person, not just what you did and the consequences of the action."
Ultimately, it’s unfortunate that the woman had to endure such harsh, personal criticism from her boyfriend and his friends. However, she learned something positive after sharing her problem on Reddit: people overwhelmingly agreed that her boyfriend was being abusive. Hopefully, that gives her some clarity so she can either work on the relationship or move on to someone who knows how to be honest without being brutal.
People rally around woman who says boyfriend's 'radical honesty' feels like humiliation
When does honesty go too far?
A woman being bullied.
There’s a fine line between being honest and being mean. Some people are honest but know how to couch their opinion in a positive, constructive light. Some people are proud of being "brutally honest," but they often use it as an excuse to hurt other people’s feelings. Honesty is an excellent virtue, but it takes self-awareness and tact to wield it humanely.
If your friend is getting ready to go on a date and asks if you like their shoes, instead of saying, "Your shoes look awful," you can suggest they try on another pair. Or, if they ask whether you liked their macaroni and cheese, instead of pointing out that someone else’s is better, you could simply suggest cooking the noodles a bit longer.
Was he being honest or abusive?
A 26-year-old woman posted on Reddit's Two Hot Takes subforum to ask whether her boyfriend's friends, who pride themselves on "brutal honesty," were wielding their supposed virtue as a sword to cut her down.
"When we started dating, he told me his friend group is 'brutally honest,' and I thought that just meant they roast each other a lot," she wrote. "Nope. Apparently, they have a rule that says if someone complains about their partner, that partner is fair game for group feedback. I did not fully understand what that meant until last weekend."
Recently, she was hanging out with his friends when they started picking on her about traits they said she needed to improve. She wrote, "Like, 'you apologize too much, it is kind of manipulative,' 'you act shy but actually you like control,' 'you talk about your job too much, it is boring for the rest of us.' All delivered like they're doing me a favor. My boyfriend just sat there nodding and occasionally adding examples."
When the woman said their remarks hurt her, they responded that it was only because they "care to be real" with her. This prompted her to ask the forum: "Is this actually some healthy communication thing that my thin skin can't handle, or is this just a circle of people who enjoy tearing others apart and slapping a self-help label on it?"
What did the commenters have to say?
The commenters overwhelmingly agreed with the woman, and many pointed out that her boyfriend has abusive tendencies.
"Complaining to his friends and having them gang up on you is not radical honesty. He's crowdsourcing his bullying. Gross," the most popular commenter wrote. "Not radical honesty, this is public shaming. He’s prioritizing his friends over your feelings, and that’s a red flag," another wrote. "When someone puts you down like that, and the someone who is supposed to love you sit there, listens, and then contributes. GIRL, RUN! If you allow this, you're going to feel worse and worse about yourself, and then you'll be right where they want you. Down on their feet, kissing the ground they walk on," a commenter wrote.
So how do we know the difference between someone who’s "just being honest" and being abusive? According to Dr. Sheri Jacobson, it has to do with intention.
"The difference here is that a person who verbally abuses another has no intention of seeing the positive side, considering the other’s viewpoint, or helping them improve," Jacobson writes at Harley Therapy. "They have the intention, admitted or not, of hurting and controlling the person they offer their 'feedback' to. Verbal also abuse tends to criticise you as a person, not just what you did and the consequences of the action."
Ultimately, it’s unfortunate that the woman had to endure such harsh, personal criticism from her boyfriend and his friends. However, she learned something positive after sharing her problem on Reddit: people overwhelmingly agreed that her boyfriend was being abusive. Hopefully, that gives her some clarity so she can either work on the relationship or move on to someone who knows how to be honest without being brutal.