A man and woman have a heated argument.
In the heat of the moment, sometimes we can say things that we don't mean. Other times, we TOTALLY mean the things we say, but still shouldn't say them, especially to our partners. Romantic relationships can be tricky, rife with beautiful connections and memories—but equally fragile in terms of resentment, misunderstanding, and ego.
Mark Travers, Ph.D., is a psychologist and relationship therapist who has spent years studying what works and what doesn't in arguments. He notes that so often the cracks in a relationship don't appear out of nowhere. "More often than not," he writes for CNBC, "they crumble under the weight of small missteps that quietly accumulate—until they become too heavy to manage."
He shares that as he's worked with many couples, he sees people come in for therapy who cite the fighting itself as the reason they need counseling. But he's noticed that upon examination, it's what is said during those fights that can really be the final straw. One phrase, in particular, is especially toxic. "There’s ONE phrase I’ve seen come up in these exchanges that’s more damaging than you think: ‘Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?’"
It's the comparison part that's especially troubling and can often lead to the end of the relationship. "What couples fail to recognize is that the person named is actually irrelevant, whether it’s an ex, a best friend’s girlfriend, or even ‘how you used to be.’ The real message will always remain the same: ‘You’re not enough, and someone else—anyone else—could do a better job at being my partner.’"
This can cause massive insecurity in the partner, where they're always second-guessing if they're good enough or if they're replaceable. If instead of saying, "I feel frustrated when I don't feel heard," you instead say, "Why can't you be like Kevin's wife? She never creates drama," you might be permanently damaging the very fabric of your bond. Think of it like a shirt with a hole in it. You keep washing it, the hole gets bigger until it completely falls apart.
Couple in love, fighting and repeating the cycle. Giphy
Why do we sometimes do this? Travers posits that it's because we're scared to say how we really feel. The more unsteady or insecure we feel in a relationship, the less we communicate. This creates a cycle of misunderstandings. He cites a study that "examined the impact of intimacy, relational uncertainty, and a partner’s interference on the directness of communication about relational irritations." In summation, communication is the key to (hopefully) feeling secure and stable, which in turn, gives partners a jumping off point for success.
@stefanossifandos Four things NOT to say in a relationship! ❌ #relationshipadvice #relationshiptips #relationships #fyp #foryou #CVSPaperlessChallenge
Good news: There are tools to learn how to avoid these relationship traps, and some of them simply require rephrasing toxic terms. He gives the example, "If you catch yourself about to say, for instance, 'Why can’t you be more like Alex? He never blows up over small things,' give these a try instead:
- 'I know we both get frustrated sometimes, but it would mean a lot to me if we could speak to each other kindly, without yelling.'
- 'It’s hard for me when our arguments escalate so fast. I’d love for us to work on staying grounded together during tough moments.'
There are many couples' counselors online who share other traps to avoid. Stef Anya, LMFT, shares on her YouTube channel, "10 Phrases to Avoid in Your Relationship."
These include lines like "Here we go again," or "You always (do this)." Any hyperbolic "extreme phrasing" can lead the other person to shut down, and it hardly ever gets the results we're looking for.
Also, steer clear of big declarations like "We're done, it's over!" Sure, you might feel that in the moment, but is that what you really want? It can cause irreparable damage and most certainly increase insecurity. And another chestnut so many of us are guilty of saying? "Calm down." When has telling someone to relax ever made them relax? (Unless, I guess you're at a spa, and even then I personally tense up.)
Relationships take effort, and obviously they don't always work out. But if you're willing to communicate with respect and openness, you're halfway there.
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