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Gen X parents who 'roamed free' as kids challenge Millennial parents' 'constant stimulation'

"Parents are constantly 'doing' something with their kids."

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Gen X parents discuss biggest parenting difference between them and Millennials.

Parenting styles are always changing from generation to generation. And Gen Xers are taking note about how vastly different their parents' (from the Silent Generation and Baby Boomers) style of parenting differs from Millennials.

One Gen Xer shared, "Something I’ve noticed the last 10 years or so is how much parents are constantly 'doing' something with their kids all summer. I have a few friends that are much younger and have children of all ages. It seems like everyday they are going to the zoo, going to the park, going to a museum, waterpark, taking them horseback riding etc. It never stops."

After explaining the observation, they continued, "I just remember being a kid and playing outside all summer and maybe doing 1-2 things all summer. Do kids really need this much constant stimulation? Please correct me if I’m wrong. It just seems like A LOT."

@nostalgicjunkies1

80s parents gave us freedom. We played till sunset, rode bikes, and explored the world without a care. They trusted us, letting us grow with our own experiences. 🕶️💖 #80sNostalgia #Freedom #Parenting #ChildhoodMemories #90sKids #80sParents #Nostalgia #ParentingWin ! #nostalgia #childhood #80sparents #millenial #childhoodmemories #80sbaby #teenager #throwback #millennialsoftiktok #80snostalgia #nostalgiacore #usa #fyp #foryoupage #trending

Many Gen Xers agreed, and explained the value in giving their kids space growing up. "My kids are older now, but when they were young, I tried to do a combo of unstructured time and fun activities in the summers. We'd have a few days of unstructured time in a row, then hit a museum or water park or something to break it up. I think they both have value," one wrote.

And another Gen Xer added, "It’s not an all or nothing thing. Being around your kids 24/7 so they get smothered and never learn to make their own decisions is bad but our parents basically ignoring us all the time was just as bad. There’s a pretty large happy medium where you hang out with your kids sometimes while in other times you leave them to their own devices."

The post garnered further reaction, and healthy debate. Other Gen Xers disagreed, noting their parents could have been more involved with them growing up.

@b.u.p.c

Replying to @duanemclendon still raising kids at my age. #genx

One Gen Xer explained how their parents' hands-off style influenced theirs to be completely different. "We were also just kinda generally neglected. Like, I was in Little League in the summer, but I had to ride my BMX bike like 45 minutes to get to practice, and I for sure had to make lunch for myself before I left home. I suspect that part of what’s going on now is a reaction to that," they wrote.

Some Millennials also shared that they intentionally don't overstimulate their kids. "This has not at all been my parenting style. To take it even further, I feel doing so is ultimately a disservice to the kids, no matter how well intended. Too many children have become dependent on constant outside stimulation," one wrote. "Too many kids are too damn busy. Learning to amuse yourself is a life skill, and parents ought to be encouraging it. Let them just be once in awhile, especially on their Summer break."

@mrjackskipper

Am I right? #relatable #parenting #90s

However, other Millennials defended their more 'involved' parenting style proudly. "I read that on average working mothers today spend more direct time with their children than stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s. That was pretty telling to me. ETA: My point being that parents in our generation in general probably spend more time with children," one shared. And another added, "My father once bragged to me he had never changed a diaper. It was not the flex he thought it was."

One Millennial parent summarized their parenting style succinctly: "I think it's because Millennial parents see their kids as human beings and not just something they had to make and raise cause society told them to."

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Mom explains the common Boomer parenting style that still affects many adults today

Many are relieved to finally have a term for this experience.

Photo by Monstera Production

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this. This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.

In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”


@parkrosepermaculture

Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact


“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.


This article originally appeared last year.

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What is 'eggshell parenting'? Psychologist breaks down the complicated parenting style

'Eggshell parenting' is a new buzzword that warrants serious consideration.

Photo by Derek Thomson on Unsplash
woman holding toddler waling near brown grass during daytime

Having to “walk on eggshells” is an uncomfortable situation for anyone. But when children are forced to do it around the very people meant to keep them safe, it’s downright painful. And the damage caused can be long-lasting.

In a viral TikTok post, psychologist Dr. Kim Sage breaks down this unhealthy parenting style and what exactly constitutes an “eggshell parent.”

With eggshell parents, Dr. Sage explains, the parent’s mood is always “unstable” and “like being on a rollercoaster.”

An emotional outburst could include name calling, verbal berating, gaslighting, accusations, threats, intimidation, shame, mocking, invalidation, yelling, even destroying possessions…while other times the mom or dad might be very supportive and loving.

Never knowing what to expect, kids of eggshell parents then have to become “hypervigilant” to prepare for whatever comes next.

@drkimsage Eggshell parenting and emotionally unpredictable, unsafe parenting often creates a lifetime of hypervigilance in us —and a deep belief that there’s no such thing as real safety in relationships.💔#eggshellparent #toxicparent #walkingoneggshells #emotionallyimmatureparents #narcissisticparent #drkimsage ♬ original sound - Dr. Kim🦋Psychologist

Oftentimes, Dr. Sage notes, this kind of dynamic leads to parentification and/or enmeshment, leaving the child not only without emotional boundaries of their own but also in a position of regulating the parent’s emotions and possibly even taking care of the household while doing so.

The biggest problem with eggshell parenting is that it eviscerates trust.

“No matter how much ‘good love’ you give as a parent…if tomorrow that love is unsafe, if it’s hurtful, if it’s conditional…the good love doesn’t really mean the same thing,” Dr. Sage says in a follow-up video.

How does this dynamic carry over into a kid’s adulthood? It shows up as social anxiety, an inherent lack of trust in others and a tendency to isolate.

In other words: “What you start to believe is that if your own mother or father or caregiver is not generally consistently safe, then no one is safe.”

@drkimsage Eggshell mothers, eggshell fathers, eggshell parents…#eggshellmother #eggshellparent #enmeshment #parentification #drkimsage #toxicparent ♬ original sound - Dr. Kim🦋Psychologist

Dr. Sage’s videos struck a chord with millions of viewers who considered themselves raised by eggshell parents.

One person recalled, “This is my family. Constantly dancing around my father’s moods and my mother’s coping mechanisms. Neither able to connect with me on any meaningful level.”

Another added, “It was like a battlefield. You had to worry about sniper fire and bombs going off. Truly feared for my life.”

Still another wrote, “Anxiety. Scanning. Waiting. It’s exhausting. I spend weekends by myself by choice. It takes days to feel like me after socializing.”

Considering that so many people feel the aftermath of certain toxic parenting styles like eggshell parenting, it’s no wonder why parents today are so interested in gentler and healthier approaches.

In order to avoid repeating the eggshell pattern, Dr. Sage recommends that parents take active steps to regulate their own emotions, rather than displaying volatility towards their children. And if there is a sudden emotional shift, take responsibility for the action instead of leaving kids to internalize it all.

So much of parenting seems to be figuring out how to avoid the shortcomings of our own parents. Luckily, social media and helpful professionals like Dr. Sage make that task just a little bit easier.

Catch even more of her videos here.


This article originally appeared on 8.23.23

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Gentle parenting: You're doing it wrong. Watch how it's supposed to look.

People often think "gentle parenting" means letting a child walk all over you, but it doesn't.

Images courtesy of Gabriel Hannans/TikTok (@the_indomitable_blackman)

Gabe Hannans explains what gentle parenting is and isn't.

One of the benefits of parenting in the 21st century is that we have decades of research on child psychology, behavior and development to draw best practices from. Unfortunately, all of that knowledge can also makes parenting more confusing than it already is.

It's not that the research is faulty, it's that people often don't take the time to actually understand what specific parenting philosophies actually entail. There's perhaps no more notorious example of that than misunderstandings about what "gentle parenting" means.

For many parents, "gentle parenting" sounds like a nice idea in theory but unrealistic in practice. Many imagine it means always using a calm and quiet voice, asking a child nicely to do things (or not do things) without setting any rules or boundaries around behavior. With that understanding, what ends up happening is a parent tries to "gentle parent" their child with scenarios that go something like this:

"Ellie, would you please put your shoes on?"

[Ellie ignores Mom and continues to play with her toys.]

"Ellie, it's time to get your shoes on. Can you stop playing with your toys, please?"

[Ellie shakes her head no while continuing to play.]

"Ellie, we have to go now. Mommy needs you to put your shoes on. Can you cooperate, please?"

[Ellie says, "No, I don't want to!"]

"Come on, Ellie. I know you don't want to, but please be cooperative."

child playing with blocksChild playing with blocks. Photo by Karolina Kaboompics/Pexels

And so it continues, with Mom asking nicely and Ellie refusing until Mom finally loses her patience and yells, at which time Ellie complies. Conclusion: Gentle parenting doesn't work.

Except what Mom is doing in that scenario isn't gentle parenting. It's gentle, sure. But it's not parenting.

Behavioral specialist and teacher Gabe Hannans explains what gentle parenting means in his popular TikTok videos. He also takes it a step further and demonstrates what gentle parenting actually looks like in practice.

In one video, Hannans stitches a video showing a mother losing her cool and yelling and swearing at a toddler who wouldn't get out of the garbage when she asked nicely with the caption, "When gentle parenting is not working."

"So, gentle parenting is not talking to your child like, 'Oh, little Billy, you gotta stop. Stop that, little Billy,'" he says. "If I need a kid to do something, I'm gonna walk up, 'Hey, little Billy. This is what we're doing now.' I'm gonna say what you should be doing instead of what you shouldn't be doing."

Watch him explain the effect that has on a child's brain:

@the_indomitable_blackman

#stitch with @nazahmathis397 Learn what gentle Parenting actually is... #sahm #NextLevelDish #foryoupage #children #fyp #GetCrackin #kids

In another video, he demonstrates what gentle parenting might look like in practice with a specific scenario in which he asks a kid to come inside because it's about to start raining. The kid, Jimothy, responds in a way that's rude or disrespectful because he wants to stay outside a little longer. Watch how Hannans handles it:

@the_indomitable_blackman

#stitch with @Life with Sam 🤪 Gentle, permissive, Conscious, respectful, different names, same principles. High expectation, Hugh responsiveness. It's not violent, fearful or shameful. it teaches the lessons you want them to learn. If you wanna make the switch and have Questions, that's why I'm here! #parents #parenting #respect #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

As the parent in the situation, he doesn't act as if he's not bothered by the kid's reaction. He's real about it, but he doesn't react with anger. He models healthy emotional control. He makes it clear that the expectation is mutual respect, and he models and explains that, too. He has the kid come up with a respectful response and has him practice it. Then he shows the kid that the respectful response works better, offering positive reinforcement of the desired behavior.

"A lot of parents are unfortunately holding on the belief that gentle parenting is permissive parenting, and they are not the same thing," he says. "They are so different because gentle parenting actually does teach respect, it teaches boundaries, it teaches expectations, it teaches what you're supposed to do in a given interaction. It's what proper parenting looks like."

Sometimes gentle parenting is referred to as conscious parenting or respectful parenting, but it's all the same thing. It's parenting through the lens of teaching, with the understanding that kids aren't born knowing how to act or communicate or behave or express themselves. We as parents have to patiently and persistently teach them all of those things, and that looks a bit different at each age and stage.

What about things like tantrums? As Hannans shows and explains in another video, taking a proactive approach to prevent tantrums is much more effective than waiting for them to happen and then having to manage them. Tantrums happen—it is developmentally appropriate behavior at certain ages and stages. But there's a lot that a parent can do to lessen the chances of a kid melting down.

Here's one example of how a parent can prepare a child to go shopping and set the expectations beforehand for what a trip to the store is going to entail.

@the_indomitable_blackman

#stitch Kids will tantrum, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! Teach these kids to self regulate when they're calm. Set expectations and boundaries AND HOLD FIRM TO THEM. For more information... Check out the book I wrote. #fyp #foryoupage #foryou #parenting #parents #teaching


Every parent knows that parenting is complicated no matter how much research we do and how much knowledge we have. Each child has their own innate personality that parents have to get to know, and each parent has their own upbringing, environment, culture and tendencies to contend with. Most of us want to parent well, but figuring out how to do that with all the different variables at play is hard.

But that doesn't mean there aren't better and worse ways to parent. We have research-backed, effective ways to teach a child how to be a solid, upstanding human being without having to resort to harsh punishments. Screaming and yelling, spanking, humiliation, shaming and other "old school" methods might seem like they "work" in the short term, because they cause a child to shut down and do as they're told out of fear. But that doesn't teach them what respectful behavior or emotional regulation actually look like. It doesn't give them the tools and skills they need to make choices for themselves. That's what gentle parenting is all about.

Follow Hannans on TIkTok for more gentle parenting education and demonstration, and check out his book, "This is Parenting," here.

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