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Mom explains the common Boomer parenting style that still affects many adults today

Many are relieved to finally have a term for this experience.

Photo by Monstera Production

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this.

This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.

In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”


@parkrosepermaculture Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact ♬ original sound - Parkrose Permaculture


“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

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Mom creates a stir after refusing to drop her child off at a parent free birthday party

"I loved drop off parties. I didn't want to sit at some kids party."

Photos by Ivan Samkov and Gustavo Fring|Canva

Mom refuses to let kid go to "drop-off" birthday party

There are many Millennial moms that were raised on "Unsolved Mysteries" and "America's Most Wanted" during formative years, which may or may not have influenced the way they parent. It can be hard to think clearly when Robert Stack's voice is echoing in your head every time your child is out of eyesight. The jokes about what is responsible for the average Millennial's parenting style resembling more like a helicopter are endless. But sometimes additional caution is warranted where others may find it unnecessary.

At least that's what many folks on the internet believe after one mom seemingly split parents into two camps with her revelation about children's parties. Liv, who goes by the TikTok handle Liv SAHM, takes to social media to explain that her seven-year-old son was invited to a birthday party but when she went to RSVP, she noticed the invitation said, "drop off only."

The mom explains, "It's at someone's house. I don't know these parents. I don't know that there's actually going to be other adults besides this child's parents."

Liv states that she would not be dropping her young child off alone with strangers. To many parents this seems like a reasonable response. If you don't know the parents or any other adults then how can you ensure your child will be safe. Other parents felt like Liv was completely overreacting with a helicopter parenting style.

"Little kids have been going to peoples birthday parties without clingy parents for decades," one person declares.

"I'm a drop off kinda house. I want the parents to leave that is one less person I have to feed. I don't wanna have to make small talk with other parents," another says.

"That's a big no for me too! And I always try to take my kids to classmates parties because people never show up," someone writes.

"That's so worrisome. I completely agree with you mama bear, same with my son," a commenter says.

"Yeah, that would make me uncomfortable too! It's always a little interesting to me when parents drop off their kids at parties," someone else adds.

@livsahm

No thank you! I don’t feel comfortable with that. #mom #momsoftiktok #momlife #sahm #sahmlife #birthday #birthdayparty #celebration #controversial #parenting #parentingtips #parents #no

There's no right or wrong way to throw a party for a kid because there's no rulebook. Generally parents are accustomed to seeing invitations that say no siblings or the offer of parents staying or leaving. Many commenters pointed out that it seemed odd that the invitation was worded in a way that sounded like parents staying wasn't an option.

Some parents noted that the world has changed since they were children and wouldn't feel safe dropping their kids off either. Others found no issue with it and think fellow parents are overreacting. What do you say, odd or perfectly fine?

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Bedroom or living room parent? Mom sparks debate over where parents hang out in the house.

These are two very different types of parents.

via Maroo927/TikTok and Mik Haupt/Unsplash

Marissa Kile sparks a debate over parenting styles.

Mom and TikTok creator Marissa Kile recently brought up an interesting topic that no one ever discusses but significantly impacts how families interact. According to Kile, there are two types of parents, those who hang out in their bedroom and those who spend time in the living room.

Bedroom parents are comfortable keeping their kids at a distance while they relax. In contrast, living room parents are happy to have their children around during downtime.

“I grew up where like my parents hung out in their bedroom,” she explains in the video. “Like 24/7, they were never in the living room, okay? So, like, going into my parents' bedroom was like a sacred thing. Like, you stood at the door, and you waited for permission to go in, okay?”

However, Kile always wished her parents were spending time with her in the living room. "I always wanted my parents to be in the living spaces with us," she adds.

@maroo927

I DONT hang out in my room.. its just a sleeping zone. Anyone else? #sleepzone #donthangout #herdofkids #fyp #sahm #foryoupage #missouri #

So now that she’s a parent, she spends all her time in the living room. She only uses her bedroom to sleep and notes in the video that it’s not even decorated.

In a follow-up video, she clarified that modern-day bedroom parents are probably different from the ones back in the day who wanted to avoid dealing with their children. “My bedroom parents didn't want to know that we existed. Okay? So, like, when they were in their bedroom, it's because they just didn't want to be around us. And, like, my mom has said so many times, she didn’t want to have kids, okay? And my dad didn't want to either. So, it is what it is,” she explained.

@maroo927

Replying to @Laura

The video created a debate over parenting styles on TikTok, and many parents had to confront what their decisions say about their relationship with their kids. Does being a bed person mean you don't want to spend time with your children or that you're teaching them to be independent?

"My room is my sacred spot. I need to be somewhere I can lay flat and stare at the walls to be alone," Brookeebaby wrote.

"I’m a bed person, and now I feel bad," Paige admitted. "I usually invite my kiddos to come with me tho if that makes a difference."

"Parents were bedroom, and I'm a living room parent… didn’t realize tho. Generational issue broken," Sav wrote.

A user named Noooooo reframed the debate as “couch” versus “bed” people. "There's bed-people and couch-people," they wrote. "Neither is right or wrong. I'm a bed person, so my kids all chill in my room with me."

Even though it’s questionable to generalize people as strict bedroom or living room parents, the comments showed that just about everyone identified as one or the other. In the end, there’s nothing wrong with being a bedroom or living room parent. But Kile’s video did a great job at bringing up the topic so parents can think about where they spend their time in the house and whether it’s the best way to have a healthy and happy home.

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This is the parenting style that's best for your child's mental health according to new study

Consistency counts.

via August de Richelieu/Pexels

A father sternly talking to his son

There’s a long-running debate among parents over the proper way to discipline a child. Some favor the “spare the rod, spoil the child” philosophy. In contrast, others believe being warm and empathetic is the best approach to discipline. So who's right?

A new study from Cambridge University conducted on 7,507 children in Ireland from 9 months to 9 years old looked at which style is better for a child’s mental health.

For the study, researchers compared three parenting styles: “hostile,” in which parents are overbearing, protective, and use physical discipline; “consistent” parenting, where expectations, rules, and discipline are predictable; and “warm” parenting, which emphasizes affection and being empathetic to a child’s needs.

The researchers also looked at two mental health symptom classifications, high-risk and low-risk.

The researchers found that children whose parents used hostile parenting techniques when the child was 3 years old were 1.5 times more likely to have high-risk mental health symptoms and 1.6 times more likely to display low-risk mental health symptoms by the age of 9.

"Our findings suggest that hostile parenting should be avoided as much as possible in early childhood if we want to prevent children from developing increased mental health symptoms," said lead author Dr. Ioannis Katsantonis, a doctoral researcher at the University of Cambridge, said according to Good Morning America. "We found that children in the high-risk class had parents with greater stress and greater likelihood of ongoing physical and mental health problems. These parents might need additional support and resources to address their own needs and enhance their parenting skills."

On the other hand, the study found that consistent parenting could help protect children from developing low-risk mental health symptoms by the age of 9.

"Consistent parenting may help because it provides children with a sense of predictability and security, which can act as a buffer against worsening mental health," said Katsantonis.

The study also found that children raised with warm parenting techniques were neither more nor less likely to develop mental health symptoms by age 9. It appears parental empathy was basically a non-factor in predicting whether a child would have mental health struggles. These findings somewhat contradict previous studies that found empathetic parenting styles may protect children from developing certain emotional and mental health symptoms.

The researchers also stress that parenting isn’t the sole contributing factor to a child’s mental health. Children in low-income households or those who are raised by single parents are more likely to have mental health issues. Female children are also more likely than males to develop mental health symptoms by the age of 9. Genetics also plays a big role in whether a child will develop mental health symptoms.

The big takeaway from the study is the importance of consistency when raising children. It appears that when children can predict an adult’s behavior and understand what is expected of them, it is better for their mental health.

Sanford Health offers some helpful tips for parents who want to practice more consistency in their expectations, responses and routines so their children can benefit from that parenting style.

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