+
A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM UPWORTHY
We are a small, independent media company on a mission to share the best of humanity with the world.
If you think the work we do matters, pre-ordering a copy of our first book would make a huge difference in helping us succeed.
GOOD PEOPLE Book
upworthy

modern families

Family

Mom explains the common Boomer parenting style that still affects many adults today

Many are relieved to finally have a term for this experience.

Photo by Monstera Production

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this.

This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.

In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”


@parkrosepermaculture Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact ♬ original sound - Parkrose Permaculture


“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.

From Your Site Articles
modern families
Pop Culture

Spanish TV star becomes mother and grandmother of her deceased son's child through surrogacy

Ana Obregón's son died of cancer in 2020, and she said his dying wish was to have a child.

20minutos.es/Wikimedia

Ana Obregón has grandbaby via surrogate.

Losing a child is tragic no matter their age, and many parents would do whatever they could to preserve their child's memory or fulfill their final wishes. If you ask Spanish TV star, Ana Obregón, that's exactly what she did when she decided to welcome a grandchild through surrogacy.

The actress's decision is causing a lot of conversation and backlash for multiple reasons. In Spain, surrogacy is illegal and the sperm of a deceased loved one can only be used to impregnate the widow up to 12 months after the husband's death, according to CNN. This detail didn't deter Obregón.

The grandmother used a surrogate and egg donor from the United States, where surrogacy is legal, and Obregón's grandchild is an American citizen. Ana Sandra Lequio Obregón was born in Miami, Florida March 20, Obregón told Hola! magazine.

The discussions in Spain, aside from the ethical concerns, are related to the legality of bringing a baby born via surrogate back to Spain where the procedure is illegal. It seems that Obregón will not be in any legal trouble though, as the baby is legally her daughter, though biologically her granddaughter.

While people may be perplexed or even uncomfortable with the dual title of Obregón, it should be noted that grandparents legally adopt their grandchildren all the time if circumstances warrant it. This then gives the grandparent who adopts dual titles as parent and grandparent. One of the most famous examples of this situation is Olympic athlete Simone Biles.

“This girl isn’t my daughter, but my granddaughter,” Obregón told Hola! “She is Aless’ daughter and when she grows up I will tell her that her father was a hero.”

But some people in Spain are having strong feelings about the morality of conceiving a grandchild in this manner, with a philosophy professor likening it to an episode of "Black Mirror," according to CNN. The naysayers aren't deterring the new grandmother's excitement, though. Obregón told Hola! it took three years to conceive her grandchild, explaining that though it was a long process, it is what has kept the 68-year-old alive.

In the caption of her Instagram post sharing the interview, Obregón wrote, "My Aless: I swore I would save you from cancer, and I failed you. I promised you I'd bring your daughter into the world and here she is in my arms."

"When I hug her, it's an indescribable feeling because it's as if I were hugging you again," she continued. "I swear that I will take care of her with the infinite love that I have to give, and from heaven, you will help me."

The new grandmother finished her heartfelt post, written in Spanish, by saying that her son was the love of her life in heaven while his daughter is now the love of her life on Earth.

While the process to have a grandchild through surrogacy isn't something that is traditional or common, it seems to be what worked for Obregón. She's even open to having more grandchildren via surrogacy since her son reportedly wanted a large family.

The grandmother and granddaughter are still in the United States awaiting the baby's American passport to fly home to Spain. In the meantime, here's hoping for safe travels, a happy healthy baby, and hopefully a nanny because sleep deprivation at 68 is probably a whole different level of exhaustion.

From Your Site Articles
ana obregón
More

An open letter to my ex-husband's future wife.

You must be cringing as you read this.

You must be thinking I’m going to school you on how to treat your new boyfriend. You must be thinking I’m going to lay down some laws about how to treat my children.

That is not at all what this letter is about.

I would like to welcome you.

Welcome to this unique dynamic of “modern family.”

Welcome to the way we wing this life and this relationship. Yes, I said relationship, but not by its standard definition.

The children keep us in a relationship, much like your work keeps you in a relationship with your boss. If success is the goal, whether in work or parenting, the relationship between those who strive for that is important. I will not fill this letter with none-of-my-business type advice on how to treat a man I have known since I was 20. I won’t tell you anything that is personal about him; anything that he chooses to share is between you two. I’m not going to tell you why things did not work between us. All I will say on the subject of us is what I say to everyone:

"To me, he’s a great guy — for someone else."

This might sound weird, but I’m so excited about you.

My sons will see a side of their father they don’t even know they missed. They’ll witness the kind of happiness that blooms from the excitement, joy, and mystery that comes with a new relationship. They’ll see their father beaming with hope. They’ll hear him laugh (too much and too loud, as they’ve reported to us) and speak with a new charm in his voice. And because they love and admire him, all of these things will make them happier too.

Photo via iStock.

I want you to know that it is so important to be yourself around us. Please don’t ever feel threatened, intimidated, or out of place around us. Just like you, we are also fumbling through the newness of your place in our lives. We trust that if you are good enough for him, you are good enough for us. We expect you to have quirks, flaws, and a uniqueness about you that might leave us scratching our heads from time to time.

And we don’t want you to change a thing.

Don’t ever feel like you can’t speak to me, my (new) husband, or any of the boys.

Photo via iStock.

Say anything. Or say nothing at all. Please be you.

You’re going to see us (the kids, mostly, but also my current husband and me) quite often. You’re going to find yourself sitting with us at concerts, plays, games, graduations, and many other events. It will feel awkward at first, maybe, but I hope that changes quickly. While the kids know very well their father and I are divorced and done, they need to know we are united in our support of them, and this is one of the many ways we will unapologetically display that support.

I want them to look out at the audience while on stage and see all of us together watching them with pride and excitement. Many of my friends have asked me if sitting between their father and stepfather feels weird. I have done weirder things to esteem, encourage, teach, and build my sons. (Singing ridiculous songs about potty training is the first that comes to my mind.) This is no sweat. I ask that you join us (when you are ready) and become part of the united front that supports them unconditionally.

Say anything. Or say nothing at all. Please be you.

You may find yourself sitting through conversations between him and me. Please understand that we need to communicate in order to run our successful “business” of raising amazing humans. Sometimes we need to do it often. And along with the trust I mentioned in the former paragraph, there is trust you will know when it’s appropriate to chime in. Should you ever feel uncomfortable or insignificant during times like this, I ask that you look at the bigger picture and keep in mind that our communication outside the subject of our children is almost nonexistent.

He will never call to ask me advice on fashion (which is a good thing because I have none!).

He won’t call me to chat about a TV show he enjoys.

He won’t call me to complain about his work day.

Our relationship revolves around three growing boys. While other subjects may arise while we’re in the same space for a long period of time, please know that my role in his life is “mother of his children.”

Nothing more.

I give you a lot of credit for embarking on a relationship with a father of teenage boys!

This is new to them too, and they have no idea what to do or say around you. They are teenagers with their own lives, hopes, dreams, and intentions, and they may not always be at their best. I ask that as you become more of a presence in their lives, you get to know them individually.

My hope is that as time goes by and you are around them more, you’ll have a unique relationship with each of them. This will take deliberate work and effort. And at times it won’t be easy, much like anything else worthwhile.

Carefully and respectfully, I welcome you.

From Your Site Articles
Trending Stories