Raising kids is tough, but there’s a lot of laughs along the way. Comedy writer James Breakwell has four daughters under the age of eight and shares their hilarious conversations on Twitter. And, from Breakwell’s tweets, it looks like his five year old has a future in comedy. Here’s a sampling of some Breakwell’s funniest kid-inspired tweets.
1.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
2.
5-year-old: *stares off into space*
Me: What's wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2017
3.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
4.
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
5.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
6.
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
7.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
8.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
9.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
10.
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I'm never sleeping again.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
11.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
12.
13.
5-year-old: I'm writing a book.
Me: What's it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
Me: Oh.
5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2018
14.
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*
Me: Cupcakes aren't a breakfast food.
5: I know. They're an all-day food.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2018
15.
Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
16.
Me: You're still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2018
17.
[spring break]
5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?
Me: Monday.
5: *slides me a penny* When now?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
18.
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2018
19.
5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
20.
Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
21.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
22.
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
23.
Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2018
24.
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2018
25.
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?
Me: Only if you want to.
5: Call me Shredder.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2018
His 5-year-old isn’t the only (often unintentionally) hilarious child in the house; the 7-year-old and 3-year-old turn up from time to time. There’s also a 2-year-old, but she hasn’t been the subject of many tweets yet.
26.
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!
7-year-old: Love hurts.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2017
27.
Me: What are you doing?
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
28.
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?
Me: She doesn't have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.
She'll make a great mother.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
29.
7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.
Me: Why?
7: I like being smart.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2017
30.
3-year-old: Mommy married you.
Me: Yeah.
3: Why?
Wife: Nobody knows.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2018
31.
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017
32.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
33.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
34.
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
35.
7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?
Me: It's Easter.
7: Jesus just wore robes.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2018
36.
Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?
7-year-old: There's no school.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2018
37.
7-year-old: Why does my teacher keep testing what I know?
Me: What should she do?
7: Trust me.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
38.
7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.
Me: Why?
7: Then you won't eat it.
She's my new diet plan.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
This article originally appeared four years ago.
