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Child psychologist reveals the 6 'magic phrases' that make kids listen to their parents

"When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you."

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Moms share joyful moments with their kids.

Sometimes it's generational, and sometimes it's just a bit of good old-fashioned authority rebellion, but getting kids to really "listen" to their parents in a way that creates a positive long-term effect can be tricky.

That's where child psychologist Reem Raouda’s hours of research come in handy. In an article for CNBC's Make It, Raouda, also a mother and therapist, reveals that after studying "over 200 parent-child relationships," a common theme for a good outcome is for the child to feel connected and safe.

Raouda reveals six phrases she has personally seen make all the difference.

"I believe you."

Validation is a huge factor in parental relationships. She writes, "Belief defuses shame and creates safety. When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you."

She gives the example of spilling juice. If a child spills something, it's immediately reassuring for them to know their parent doesn't blame or shame them. And if the child says they didn't do it on purpose, saying "I believe you" helps establish respect.

Another example could be, "I just forgot to do my homework." A potential answer? "I believe you! We all forget sometimes. Better late than never."

"Let's figure this out together."

When a child is merely following orders from a parent, they don't often feel a teamwork bond. Raouda refers to it as a "standoff" when a chore is barked at a child, rather than presenting it as a task for the greater good.

If, for example, a kid is being asked to clean their room and seems oppositional to the idea, rather than punishing—come up with a fun plan to clean together.

"You can feel this. I'm right here."

The idea here is to make sure the child knows their emotions are completely valid. If they have a reaction to something that upsets them, don't merely tell them to toughen up. Instead, let them know it's safe to feel it and that their parent will stay right by their side.

Kristen Weir writes for the American Psychological Association that acknowledging feelings with your child early on can yield healthy benefits. "Caregivers can start talking about feelings when their children are still babies. Point out when book or movie characters feel sad, happy, angry, or worried."

"I'm listening. What's going on?"

For a kid to hear you, they need to feel heard. Raouda notes, "This simple shift of giving attention before demanding it dissolves resistance. When kids feel understood, they stop trying to push back."

She adds that trying to get to the root of their emotion or action is key. "Now you're uncovering the deeper hurt behind the anger, and that's the part you can address to help repair both the relationship and the behavior."

"I hear you. I'm on your side."

These words build a bond, which ultimately (hopefully) connects a parent to their child. Knowing they can begin from a place where they're not alone is a great start to a healthy relationship.

She gives the example of a child hating their homework. If the parent comes at this from a place of understanding and an "I've been there" tone, it really helps the child feel supported and understood.

"I've got you, no matter what."

Again, this phrase builds teamwork. Raouda writes, "Mistakes can trigger shame. But when kids hear this phrase, they learn that love isn't conditional on performance or perfection."

Weir also touched on the importance of connection, saying, "Studies show that children who have a secure, trusting relationship with their parents or caregivers have better emotion regulation as toddlers than those whose needs aren’t met by their caregivers. Being consistent and comforting will help you develop a secure attachment with your child."

Jaime Amor gives tips on getting kids to pay attnention. www.youtube.com, CosmicKidsYoga

There are other child experts with approaches to getting children to listen. On the Cosmic Kids Yoga YouTube page, children's yoga instructor and host Jaime Amor gives her own ideas, including some physical instructions.

"Get on eye level," she suggests when possible. She also stressed the importance of "active listening," in that you're giving them your whole attention. Not only does this help put them at ease, it demonstrates "what active listening looks like."

Additionally, Amor recommends asking "how" and "what" questions rather than "why?" While "why" can sound accusatory, "how" and "what" help them tell their story. She astutely notes that when conversing with kids, "Speak in shorter sentences and use language they understand."

Lastly, she notes to give the child choices. "Kids tend to listen and cooperate when they get a choice. It gives them a sense of control and autonomy so they feel respect. When kids feel respect, they'll work hard to reciprocate."

parenting, kids, listening, respect, teamwork Father and son sit on a the dock. Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

On Reddit, an OP asks "How to effectively make my child listen to me." (For context, they share they have children who are two and seven.) One commenter writes, "I've found with my 5-year-old, if I do the activity with him that helps. If it's folding clothes, I fold mine, and he folds his. When it comes to him doing things on his own, I define success and help him visualize it. 'I need your help. Can you please help me by putting the dishes away?'"

Another gives this practical advice: " From an early age when they start to be able to understand words, state the reason why you need them to do something. For example, don't just tell them to tidy up the Legos, tell them to tidy up so their blocks don't get vacuumed. 'You wouldn't want your Legos to go missing, would you?'"

And this commenter echoes what Raouda said in her piece: "Try giving them options instead of demands. 'Would you rather do this now or in 5 minutes. Would you rather put your pants on first or your shirt on first.' Kids are more likely to be cooperative if they feel like they have some control. Try phrasing things differently. Turn demands into questions like "can/will you do this please?" instead of just "do this.""

grumpy child, parenting, teamwork, listening, tears A child feels sad. commons.wikimedia.org

The thread weaving through all these suggestions is making sure the child feels heard, safe, respected, and supported. It's not you against them; you're a team and in you're in it together.

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Experts share the one communication tool that could help save a relationship

"Did I get that right?"

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To paraphrase a friend's insightful words: "You can't make a person who can't hear you, hear you, because, well—they can't hear you."

So many can relate from a metaphorical standpoint. You try to have calm, meaningful conversations, but the words get stuck somewhere along the way and simply don't land correctly. Whether it's a discussion about the current political climate or about tiny (and big) idiosyncrasies in a relationship with someone—a partner, parent, child, friend—it can often feel frustrating that you're not being heard.

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As the world has become more separated by entirely different news sources (and/or social media platforms) in recent years, there seems to be a communication breakdown. In Lisa Pavia-Higel's piece, "'Agreeing to disagree' is hurting your relationships—here's what to do instead," for communication.com, she explains that the outdated "agree to disagree" tactic can seem dismissive, putting no resolution on a discussion. Though, of course, sometimes it can feel like (and might be) the only way to move on from an argument going nowhere.

She cites communications researcher Mark L. Knapp, who has created a model of relationship development, claiming, "All relationships have a life cycle. People come together and solidify their connection through five stages, from 'initiation' to 'bonding.' But many relationships eventually come apart, going through five stages of breakdown." One of those, she further explains, is called circumscribing, which can often be a passive-aggressive way of shutting down a conversation.

Here's an excellent example of circumscribing from the movie The Break-up starring Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.

- YouTube, Universal Pictures, The Break-Upwww.youtube.com

Pavia-Higel adds, "Circumscribing is one of the 'coming apart' stages in Knapp’s model. If problems aren’t addressed, a relationship can keep sliding down the slope toward the last stage: termination."

One solution to navigating these pitfalls is called "looping," which is an excellent way to approach conflict resolution. This is "when people use active listening, meaning they pay careful attention to what their partner is saying without judgment or interruptions." They then repeat the sentiment back to the other person and say something like, "I understand you're saying X, is that right?" This is known as the empathetic paraphrase.

An example: "So I understand you're saying you're worried about spending so much money on the Taylor Swift concert and might bail?" (I realize that's extremely specific, but bear with me.) If it's not correct, person A loops again until they understand and both parties are on the same page, feeling equally seen.

On the Top of Mind podcast, Julie Rose shares that "Feeling understood will give your partner a surge of positive emotion, which goes a long way toward keeping a conversation healthy, rather than contentious."

@topofmindpodcast

There is no "silver bullet" for successful tough conversations, but certain techniques will go a long way. Try this technique used by conflict mediators—called "looping"—and follow Top of Mind to see these tips in action.

She shares, "Looping has other benefits, too. In one study, empathetic paraphrasing not only made participants less anxious but also made the speaker see the paraphraser in a more positive light."

Katherine Miller and Melanie Rowen explain on understandingconflict.org that "it provides an opportunity to more deeply understand what is important to other people and why, and allows space to explore the emotions involved."

Incidentally, as for the Taylor Swift concert, the person decided not to bail, no one got stuck trying to sell an extra ticket, and everyone had the time of their lives.

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The 3-step Harvard conversation trick that makes shy people more likable

This will ease social anxiety at your next party.

via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

Two people having a conversation at a party.

Many people, especially those who are introverted and shy, are uncomfortable making small talk with someone new, whether they’re at a party, work event, or just standing in line at the grocery store. However, a Harvard study revealed a simple 3-step trick to make you more likable and conversations more comfortable.

The researchers found that when approaching someone you have never met, asking a question and then 2 follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. The study was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

How do I make new people like me?

The study should be a big relief to shy people and introverts who are not interested in trying to impress people by going on and on about themselves.

According to the research, when you meet someone new at a party, the important thing is to approach them like it’s an interview, and you are the journalist. You just need one strong opening question and then you can follow up 2 times by asking them to clarify what they meant or expand on something they said.

via Nicole Michalou/Pexels

“Think to yourself, I need to ask at least five questions in this conversation, or I need to ask questions in this conversation, listen to the answers, and ask follow-up questions. It’s easy to do, and — even better — requires almost no preparation,” Alison Wood Brooks, assistant professor and Hellman Faculty Fellow at Harvard Business School and a co-author of the study, said, according to Forbes.

People like those who ask follow-up questions not only because they enjoy talking about themselves. It also shows that their conversation partner is actively listening. They are paying attention, not looking over your shoulder at someone else. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

The findings counter the strategy many use when meeting someone for the first time, whether on a blind date or at a networking event. For many, the first step is to try and impress the new person, but research shows that’s not the case.

conversation, introverts, harvardTwo people talking at a party.via Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

“The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided,” the study’s authors wrote, adding that “redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

It’s a pretty simple concept: people like talking about themselves and if you allow them, they’ll like you more. “Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners,” Brooks said. “This strategy does both. It’s an easy-to-deploy strategy anyone can use to not only be perceived as more emotionally intelligent but to actually be more emotionally intelligent as well.”

One of the studies cited by the authors focused on online dating and found that asking follow-up questions meant a greater chance of getting a second date. The researchers found that the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. When researchers looked at face-to-face speed daters, where they met 20 people at a time, they found that asking one more question on each date would help someone succeed in getting a “yes I want to see you again” on one more date.

The 3-question rule has some caveats. You should make sure you're having a conversation, not an interrogation. “Asking a barrage of questions without disclosing information about yourself may come across as guarded, or worse, invasive,” Brooks says.

party, conversastion tips, harvardSome folks having fun at a party.via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

How much should I talk in a conversation?

While it’s important to ask questions when you meet someone new, you can’t let them do all the talking. Research shows that the perfect conversation ratio is 43:57. You do 43% of the talking and 57% of the listening. The goal is to make your conversation partner and new friend think, “Wow, that person really gets me” by the time the conversation ends.

The next time you find yourself in a social situation, you can feel a bit more relaxed knowing there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that people will find you likable and a good conversationalist. Remember the three-question rule: Open with a question and then ask 2 follow-ups.


This article originally appeared in September.

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Stanford communications expert says this is the best way to start a conversation

It works for parties, work and relationships.

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Two coworkers making small talk.

One thing that makes people anxious when they have to make small talk is that they feel compelled to be interesting and put on a show. They think they have to wow the person they’re talking to with their wit, insights and stories.

However, Matt Abrahams, a Stanford communications expert and host of the "Think Fast, Talk Smart" podcast, says that people shouldn’t feel pressured to be interesting at all.

“A lot of us put tremendous pressure on ourselves to be interesting,” Abrahams told Inc. “We want to say exciting, valuable, relevant stuff, and it’s the wrong mindset. I think many of us see small talk as a tennis match where the goal is to get the ball over the net and score. I think we should see it more like hacky sack. The goal is to serve it to the person so they get and can serve it back to you. Success is when you all work together.”

Simply put, “the goal is to be interested, not interesting,” Abrahams said, paraphrasing matchmaker and author Rachel Greenwald.

“It’s about curiosity,” Abrahams says. “Starting with questions, observing things in context, bringing up relevant information. So, if you’re at a corporate event, you could talk about the keynote speech. If you’re at a cocktail party, you could talk about what’s happening in the room.” Most importantly, he says, “avoid the doom loops of ‘Hi, how are you?’ ‘Fine, how are you?’ And then you’re nowhere better off.”

It all boils down to the idea that people love being heard and asked questions. People often say that when they meet someone who listens well, they are an interesting person. This also points to the fact that we’re so used to the person we’re talking to just waiting for a chance to speak that it is refreshing to be with someone who is all ears.

Patti DeNucci, known as the Intentional Networker, believes that Dale Carnegie coined the phrase in “How to Make Friends and Influence People,” where he shares his axiom: “To be interesting, be interested.” She adds that Carnegie believes that people should be genuinely interested in others but also have a lot of interests.

DeNucci says we should strive for “living a good life,” which includes interests in cultural, academic, and travel pursuits. “After all, when we’re interested in many things, there’s a better chance we will be more equipped to take an interest in what others have to say,” DeNucci says. “And, in turn, we’ll also have something interesting to add to the conversation to keep it going, expanding, deepening.”



Carnegie’s thoughts on the power of listening were proven in a 2016 study that on sales calls, that did an excellent job of quantifying the amount we should speak versus listening during a conversation. A marketing director at Gong.io analyzed 25,537 sales calls and found that the interactions where the salesperson listened 57% of the time and talked 43% of the time had the highest sales yield.

This is known as the 43:57 rule.

Hopefully, these insights will make everyone who feels nervous about going to their next party feel a bit more confident walking into a room, knowing they’ll be a big hit simply by being genuinely interested in people. It also reminds the talkative bunch out there that people will probably like you more if you keep your mouth shut.

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