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Guy shares the 11 techniques that helped him completely overcome his social awkwardness

"I used to be the guy who'd avoid eye contact, give one-word answers, and somehow make every conversation die."

Image via Canva

Man explains how he overcame being socially award.

If you feel socially awkward, you're not alone. Many Americans report feeling it. According to a 2022 YouGov poll, one in four Americans (26%) say they're much or somewhat more awkward than other people. Social awkwardness can negatively impact social, family, and work relationships.

On Reddit, member @Everyday-Improvement opened up about how he overcame social awkwardness. "I was socially awkward for 5 years," he shared. "Used to be the guy who'd avoid eye contact, give one-word answers, and somehow make every conversation die. Small talk felt like torture. Group settings made me want to hide in the bathroom."

To help him, he sought out the Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People. He writes that he had previously read it "probably 5 times but never actually did anything with it. Just highlighted passages and felt smart for 10 minutes. Finally decided to treat it like a playbook instead of philosophy and holy sh*t, people actually started liking me."

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

In his post, he decided to share the 11 techniques that he took away from the book that "changed everything" for him. He added, "People actually seek out my opinion now. Invitations to social stuff increased by like 300%. Family gatherings stopped feeling like interrogations. Also time with friends have been the best. Being genuinely interested in others is way less work than trying to be interesting yourself. When you focus on making other people feel good, they associate those positive feelings with you."

The biggest takeaway? Change is possible. "Most social skills advice tells you to 'just be yourself.' But if 'yourself' is socially awkward, that's terrible advice. Carnegie's book taught me that social skills are learnable skills, not personality traits you're born with," he noted. "Took me 5 years to figure out that people don't care how smart or funny or interesting you are. They care about how you make them feel. Once I started focusing on that, everything else fell into place."

These are 11 tips to help you become less socially awkward.

1. Names are literally magic words.
"Started using people's names way more than felt natural. 'Thanks for the coffee, Sarah' instead of just 'thanks.' 'Good point, Mike' instead of 'good point.' Felt weird at first but people light up when they hear their own name. Their whole face changes," he wrote.

 thanks, thank you, name, saying name, acknowledgement Maribeth Monroe Hug GIF by CBS  Giphy  

2. Became genuinely curious about random stuff. 
He successfully implemented this by asking follow-up questions when in conversation with others. If someone talked about hiking, he'd follow up with simple but engaged questions like, "''What's the hardest part about the trail?', 'Do you see wildlife?', or 'How do you know which gear to bring?' Turns out most topics are fascinating if you dig past surface level,'" he shared.

3. Stopped trying to be the smartest person in the room.
To do this, he explained that he stopped correcting people and one-upping people's stories. "[I] Started asking 'How did you figure that out?' or 'What made you think of that approach?' instead. People love explaining their thought process and you actually learn stuff," he wrote.

4. Let people save face when they mess up. 
"Coworker made a mistake in a meeting? Instead of pointing it out, I'd say 'Maybe we should double-check the numbers' or 'I might be missing something here.' They fix the error without looking stupid. They remember who had their back," he noted.

5. Actually listened instead of waiting for my turn to talk. 
He noticed that he was not actively listening to others, and was always preparing responses rather than paying attention to what others were saying. To change this, he started to ask follow-up questions when someone answered.

"Conversations became way less exhausting because I wasn't constantly having to think what to say next," he explained.

 listen, listening, active listening, actively listening, listen gif Prince What GIF  Giphy  

6. Found common ground with literally everyone. 
The key for him was to find shared experiences and not focus on differences. "Turns out the a coworker and I both hate morning meetings. The quiet intern and I both love obscure podcasts. The annoying coworker and I both struggle with work-life balance. Connection beats competition every time," he shared.

7. Became a hype man for other people's wins. 
He became a cheerleader for others, highlighting their successes. "'Did you hear Sarah closed that big deal?' 'Mike's presentation was incredible, did you see it?' Takes zero effort but people remember who celebrates their success."

 hype man, hype up, hyping, hype gif, celebrate Season 20 Nbc GIF by The Voice  Giphy  

8. Stopped arguing about stupid stuff. 
Rather than adopt a combative attitude that resulted in debate, he chose to let things go. "Now when someone says something I disagree with, I either let it go or say 'I never thought about it that way' and actually consider their perspective. Relationships improved overnight," he added.

9. Started admitting when I was wrong. 
Taking a humble approach when making mistakes paid off. "'You're right, I messed that up' became my new superpower," he explained. "People expect defensiveness, so honesty catches them off guard. They usually respond with understanding instead of judgment."

 admit wrong, i was wrong, i stand corrected, wrong, admit Paramount Network Beth Dutton GIF by Yellowstone  Giphy  

10. Asked for advice instead of giving it. 
A big change: he stopped telling people what they should do. "I started asking 'What do you think would work best?' or 'What's your gut telling you?' People already know their answers most of the time, they just want someone to listen," he shared.

11. Made people feel important. 
Finally, making sure others felt noticed became priority. "'I really liked how you handled that difficult client' or 'Your way of explaining complex stuff makes so much sense.' Genuine appreciation, not generic compliments," he wrote.

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Family

The 'Laurel' or 'Yanny' debate is actually more insightful than you think.

Do you hear "Laurel" or "Yanny"?

That's not a question any of us would have imagined having to answer before. Thanks to a viral tweet, though, a computerized voice that's uttering one name or another is dividing the internet in a way we haven't seen since "The Dress."

Have you tried it yet? Here you go! (This might just rip your entire life apart.) (Sorry.)

What did you hear? If you're like me, you heard "Yanny" all the way.

If you're like my husband and the other half of the internet (including Twitter icon Chrissy Teigen), then you heard "Laurel," and you're not going to let anyone tell you any different.

So what’s really going on here?

No one truly knows. It seems that no one really knows where this audio clip even came from. Could it be aliens communicating from the depth of space? Could it be Russian bots? I can't answer that. But I can provide a few theories that might help explain why people are hearing things differently.

According to The New York Times, which enlisted the help of several experts, it could have a lot to do with which part of the "frequency range" people give attention to. So if someone tends to hear in the higher range of things, then they're going to hear "Yanny" rather than "Laurel."

Check out what happens when you manipulate the bass. Can you hear both words? (Or is this just fueling outrage?)

And that's before you even get into the linguistic explanations or the fact that everyone's brain processes things differently.

We think we all hear the same things, but as University of Chicago psychologist Howard Nusbaum told Gizmodo, "If I cut your ears off and put someone else's on your head, sounds would sound different." (Of course, this is not an invitation to do such an experiment. I will be very mad if my name comes up in legal proceedings.)

What people hear could also have a lot to do with how they perceive the world.

Here's the thing about brains: They're really good at making snap judgments. That's because brains like to organize and categorize. A study of how people perceived "The Dress" (a study on this! what a time to be alive!) found that even when outside factors were manipulated, once people saw the dress as either blue/black or white/gold, that's the only way they would see it — even when the image was placed in different settings.

One thing's for certain: Regardless of what people hear, both "Yanny" and "Laurel" appear to be on the recording. And if someone distinctly hears just one from the start, a sound and audio engineer told Gizmodo, it's possible they'll stick with that word to the exclusion of the other.

What does that mean?

When someone hears something differently from you, do you wonder why they're hearing what you're not or do you immediately assume they're wrong? It's likely the latter. That's because people make such judgments every day. And why shouldn't we? In the best cases — for instance, when someone decides whether it's safe to jay-walk — those judgments keep people safe.

But we often don't go back and correct snap judgments. And because we focus on information that confirms the beliefs we already hold (that's backed up by research too), we never actually have to. That leads to problems like not expanding our worldviews or allowing ourselves to take in new information. In fact, research has found that once we form opinions, it's incredibly difficult for us to change them — even (and especially) after real facts have been presented.

So before you send your friends a text asking which word they hear (and you absolutely must because why should my marriage be the only one to be torn apart?), consider that they're not wrong either way. And, as Gizmodo points out, "If you listen enough, you might begin to hear things the other way too."

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7 little challenges are all you need to add some love to the world.

There’s a lot of good in the world that needs doing. Figuring out how to do it can be daunting.

The whales need saving, people need housing, the hungry need feeding, and the hurting need healing. The world is full of huge, complicated problems — and if we can’t solve them in their entirety, it can be tempting not to work on solving them at all. We have to fight that temptation.

Every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, right?

We have to put a little bit of love into the world every single day. No matter how small or simple or insignificant it might seem, it’s not. It’s important — and it's something that we can all start doing today.

We're issuing you a challenge: Over the course of a week, commit to performing one act of love each day.

Day 1: Love like a good listener.

There are a million reasons not to stop and listen to what someone — your partner, your children, your friends, your coworkers — is saying. Today, no matter how busy you are or how unimportant each message might be, take the time to make the people around you feel heard.

All images via iStock.

And if you are the type of person who wants to take this a step further, you can really dig in with your listening skills and sign up to become a suicide hotline volunteer.

Day 2: Love like a lifeline.

We all know those people who are always there in a weird social situation to smooth things out and make us feel more comfortable. Today, let that be you! Whether it’s pulling someone shy into the group conversation or inviting the new coworker out for drinks, take the initiative to knock down obstacles and create new interpersonal connections.

Sure, it might seem uncomfortable or difficult at first, but you could be giving someone the confidence they need to feel welcomed and valued in their community.

Day 3: Love like a big spender.

Not everyone has loads of money to give away to every charitable effort they'd like, but there are always ways to provide monetary support.

If you have a little expendable income, take a look at your budget today and see where you can save $10 or $15 per month to give to one cause you care about.

If you don’t have expendable income, that doesn’t mean you can’t help fund charitable efforts. Websites like Free Rice and Free Kibble let you donate human or animal food by playing trivia games online. Charity Miles is an app that tracks your exercise and donates money for each mile you move. Pick a way to donate, and do it.

Day 4: Love like a social media influencer.

Knowledge and education are powerful tools for good, and the internet is an easy way to disseminate them to the people who need them most.

Today, pick something you think your followers need to learn. Is your community confused about LGBTQ legal rights? Do gender pronouns trip up people you know? Take a moment to assess how you can be an advocate for love in your online sphere. It can be intimidating to stand up for others when you know you have followers or friends who might disagree, but challenge yourself to follow through.

Day 5: Love like a vocal advocate.

No one ever said love was easy, and sometimes, love can get political. If the idea of wading into the world of politics makes you want to run away, this is the challenge for you. Visit the website 5 Calls, where you can pick a cause that is important to you and find the phone numbers and scripts you need to contact someone in Congress who can make a real difference.

Make just five calls for causes you love today — that's your challenge.

Day 6: Love like a neighbor.

It's so easy to neglect even our tightest relationships; it's even easier to overlook relationships with the people that we're physically closest to. Today, take a moment to extend a hand of friendship to a neighbor and make your relationship more than just geographical. Slip a nice card under their door or invite them in for a snack after work. It's easy to be a good neighbor — now go do it!

Day 7: Love like a partner.

To wrap up your week, challenge yourself to do something extra special for the person you love most, whether that's your romantic partner, your best friend, or just your partner in crime. What's a project that means a lot to them? Ask to participate or help them out today. Does your spouse love to fish? Your soulmate like to cook? Your best friend love playing sports? Even if it's not your cup of tea, show your partner that you love them by taking an interest in what they do. Even if it's just for a day, it will go a long way.

With one week of love, make a lasting positive impact.

Your little acts of love will make you a kinder person, will make the people around you feel loved, and will add a little bit of much-needed good to the world.

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Fourth grade was decades ago, but at least one student has not forgotten him.

It’s because of this teacher that I know that learning is one of the best things about being alive.

To him, I am probably long gone, lost in a distant sea of the thousands of students he led through the rough waters of institutional learning.

My fourth-grade class! Photo provided by Tina Plantamura, used with permission.

My face is one of many elementary school students that came and went while under his care in fourth grade. And to him, the story I tell might be familiar. It’s been so many years, and I know it might be hard to remember. But I will never forget that teacher.

It’s because of this teacher that I know that learning is one of the best things about being alive.

Learning was always an adventure in his fourth-grade classroom. He encouraged creativity and imagination.

And because of him, I have done the same for my three children. It was in his class that I read my first novel from cover to cover. And decades later, I bought that same book and read it with my son.

I know he doesn’t remember the last assignment I handed in, but I do.

I thought it was perfect. I hoped for a good grade. And one day after I put it on his desk, I also told him I was moving. I had only found out the night before.

He asked me why and for some reason I told him. I never told anyone else, but I stood there and told him the truth. I told him that my family was falling apart and my mother decided it was time to leave my father.

He told the rest of the class that it was free time, so they could talk and play.

He walked me out to the hallway. We talked for over an hour.

He probably doesn’t remember that day, but he’s probably familiar with something Maya Angelou has said: "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

I don’t remember exactly what he said because it was so long ago.

But I remember that out in that dark and echoing hallway, for the first time in my life, I spoke freely. Standing in front of him, I somehow knew that I didn’t have to be afraid. He listened patiently and attentively. He made me feel important.

When I cried a little, he didn’t tell me to stop, he just waited until I wiped my tears and composed myself enough to speak again. Maybe he called me brave, because that was how I felt.

That was the last time I saw him.

The next day, we left my father.

We packed what would fit in suitcases. I said goodbye to all of my toys and stuffed animals. I looked at our bedroom for the last time. I glanced at the stack of picture albums that held images of the first nine years of my life, not knowing that those years would be nearly erased.

My mother mustered up all the bravery she could find and we left. We got in a car and drove far away.

Fourth grade was decades ago for me.

He might have grey or thinning hair by now. He might not have same bounce in his step or the same energy he had when he stood in front of me and the other students.

The glasses he wears might have a stronger prescription now, and he might be leaner or rounder. He may have retired from teaching or moved up and on to something else. He might be resting on his laurels after a long and challenging career.

But I hope that somehow he knows that he helped change the world for one little girl.

He gave me a glimmer of hope. He gifted me with a love of learning. I was freed from the burden of secrecy and fear because he encouraged me to speak.

I hope he realizes that his worth is far beyond the highest salary he has ever earned. He helped a fearful child find her voice. And I hope other teachers realize that one measure of patience or one conversation or one moment of compassion can save a student.

A teacher like him must have many students who say that their lives changed for the better because of him.

So I hope he never has moments when he wonders about his worth. I hope he never worries that he didn’t do enough. And I hope his heart and spirit are strong and keep him standing should life ever pull him down or make him think that his efforts were futile.

But should he ever feel useless and weak, should he ever wish that he did something unforgettable, should he ever fear that he is not enough, and should he ever wonder if his actions inspired someone ... I hope he'll take a moment to think about all of the students he had and all the things he did and said that changed so many young lives.

I hope he knows that his heart, his time, and his energy make him unforgettable to so many kids like me.

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