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'Toxic empathy' is real, but maybe not in the way you've heard. Here's what it actually is.

The term has unfortunately been co-opted in the political discourse, but it's a genuine psychological phenomenon.

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Empathy can become toxic when it starts affecting your well-being.

Empathy is generally seen as a positive thing and something we want people to cultivate in themselves. The skill of feeling what others feel can help build connections between people, prevent anti-social behaviors like bullying, and aid in resolving conflict, so it's good for society as a whole when people are empathetic.

So, why are people suddenly talking about toxic empathy? Can empathy actually be bad?

There are two ways people currently reference "toxic empathy"—one that arose out of socio-political commentary (largely stemming from the 2024 book, Toxic Empathy: How Progressives Exploit Christian Compassion by conservative commentator Allie Beth Stuckey), and one based on a real psychological phenomenon that some people experience. The validity of the former is up for debate, but the latter is a common term to describe a struggle with excessive empathy that leads to self-harm.

empathy, toxic empathy, mental health, emotional regulation, psychology Toxic empathy can cause distress and dysregulation.Photo credit: Canva

What is toxic empathy?

Essentially, toxic empathy (also known as hyper-empathy) is when an empathetic person over-identifies with someone else's emotions and takes them on as their own. While empathy involves the ability to feel others' emotions, toxic empathy goes a step further to intensely identifying with them, which can lead to overwhelm, burnout, and neglect of one's self.

"While 'toxic empathy' is not a real diagnosis, many clients have felt their personal experience of feeling overwhelming levels of empathy for others normalized by the society's use of the term," Kim Rippy, LPC, CCTP-II, a trauma and anxiety specialist and owner of Keystone Therapy Group, told Upworthy.

Rippy shared that clients she's had who struggled with toxic empathy found themselves frequently overwhelmed and energetically drained when trying to connect with other people. "Some clients have even been so overwhelmed with empathy for strangers in recent world events (war on Ukraine, war on Gaza, school shootings), that they become emotionally exhausted and even depressed from their high levels of empathy," she says.

empathy, toxic empathy, mental health, emotional regulation, psychology Social media can fuel toxic empathy.Photo credit: Canva

In the age of 24/7 news and social media, we can "doomscroll" all manner of trauma from anywhere in the world, which certainly doesn't help people avoid empathy overload. But like any other positive quality, empathy in excess becomes unhealthy and must be moderated.

However, licensed mental health counselor Courtney Schrum says it's important to remember that having too much empathy isn't a sign of moral failing.

"Most people who struggle with toxic empathy aren’t weak, they’re wired to belong," Schrum told Upworthy. "Science shows our brains evolved to scan for belonging as a survival strategy. Humans have a fundamental biological need to belong, and our nervous systems are attuned to social cues that signal inclusion or rejection. When empathy tips into self-sacrifice, it’s often because the brain is trying too hard to protect connection. Naming that helps reframe over-giving not as failure, but as evidence of deeply human wiring, and that makes setting boundaries feel less like rejection and more like self-preservation."

empathy, toxic empathy, mental health, emotional regulation, psychology Caring and compassion and empathy are good. But they can go too far.Photo credit: Canva

"The goal isn’t to care less," Schrum adds, "but to care in a way that doesn’t come at the cost of your own wellbeing. When empathy is grounded in boundaries, it becomes sustainable instead of toxic."

How to avoid toxic empathy

If you're a highly empathetic person, it can feel easy to slip into a place where you become overwhelmed and paralyzed by empathy. Here are three steps for navigating and avoiding toxic empathy:

Recognize the signs

You can't change something you don't even realize is happening, so check in with yourself if you feel like you're prone to this kind of struggle.

"Notice your body first," says Schrum. "Your nervous system often signals overload before your brain does. Tension, fatigue, or irritability are cues that you’re carrying too much."

empathy, toxic empathy, mental health, emotional regulation, psychology Toxic empathy can affect your nervous system.Photo credit: Canva

Set specific boundaries for yourself

Toxic empathy is essentially empathy that goes too far, so it's important to set boundaries to rein it in.

"A prompt I recommend often is 'Do I have the power and the control to change this?' followed by 'How can I make an impact in a way that is within my boundaries (such as resources, time, finances) to offer?'" Lorain Moorehead, Licensed Psychotherapist, PMH-C, EMDR-C told Upworthy. Moorehead explains that, sometimes, people dealing with hyper-empathy might feel the instinct to take in more "hurt," like watching the news or true crime shows, because it feels in some way like taking action, even though it's not.

"A simple internal reminder like, 'Their feelings are real, but they’re not mine to solve,' helps separate empathy from over-identification," says Schrum.

Nurture your nervous system

Empathy can be exhausting even when it's not to a severe degree, so if you are a person with high empathy levels, it's important to care for yourself to avoid slipping into burnout.

empathy, toxic empathy, mental health, emotional regulation, psychology Self-care exercises like journaling and spending time in nature can help you manage stress.Photo credit: Canva

"Practice recovery rituals," says Schrum. "After emotionally heavy interactions, do something that discharges stress: a walk, humming, journaling. This resets the nervous system back toward balance."

There's so much happening in the world, and we all have the ability to witness too much trauma, far too easily, all day long, thanks to our smartphones and social media. It can feel like too much, which is why it's all the more important that folks with empathy to spare take steps to ensure that they don't allow their emotional resonance to lead to self-abandonment. Empathy is good when it helps us connect with others, not when it leads to disconnection with ourselves.

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Psychologist explains why everyone feels so exhausted these days and it makes a lot of sense

"A gentle reminder about why you are utterly exhausted…"

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

It seems like most people are feeling wiped out these days. There's a reason for that.

We're more than four years past the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, and it's been a weird ride, to say the least. These years have been hard, frustrating, confusing and tragic, and yet we keep on keeping on. Except the keeping on part isn't quite as simple as it sounds.

We've sort of collectively decided to move on, come what may. This year has been an experiment in normalcy, but one without a testable hypothesis or clear design. And it's taken a toll. So many people are feeling tired, exhausted, worn thin ("like butter scraped over too much bread," as Bilbo Baggins put it) these days.

But why?

Psychologist and speaker Naomi Holdt beautifully explained what's behind the overarching exhaustion people are feeling as we close out 2022, and it makes perfect sense. Holdt is a psychologist, author, and speaker with over two decades of experience, and specializes in the emotional well-being of children and young adults. She is also the author of "How to Raise Resilient Kids and Teens."

In a post on Facebook, she wrote:

"A gentle reminder about why you are utterly exhausted…

No one I know began this year on a full tank. Given the vicious onslaught of the previous two years (let’s just call it what it was) most of us dragged ourselves across the finish line of 2021… frazzled, spent, running on aged adrenaline fumes…

We crawled into 2022 still carrying shock, trauma, grief, heaviness, disbelief… The memories of a surreal existence…

And then it began… The fastest hurricane year we could ever have imagined. Whether we have consciously processed it or not, this has been a year of more pressure, more stress, and a race to 'catch up' in all departments… Every. Single. One. Work, school, sports, relationships, life…

Though not intentionally aware, perhaps hopeful that the busier we are, the more readily we will forget… the more easily we will undo the emotional tangle… the more permanently we will wipe away the scarring wounds…

We can’t.

And attempts to re-create some semblance of 'normal' on steroids while disregarding that for almost two years our sympathetic nervous systems were on full alert, has left our collective mental health in tatters. Our children and teens are not exempt. The natural byproduct of fighting a hurricane is complete and utter exhaustion…

So before you begin questioning the absolutely depleted and wrung-dry state you are in- Pause. Breathe. Remind yourself of who you are and what you have endured. And then remind yourself of what you have overcome.

Despite it all, you’re still going. (Even on the days you stumble and find yourself face down in a pile of dirt).


tired, exhausted, wicker chair, psychology, tired woman, A tired woman relaxing in a chair.via Canva/Photos

Understanding brings compassion… Most of the world’s citizens are in need of a little extra TLC at the moment. Most are donning invisible 'Handle with care' posters around their necks and 'Fragile' tattoos on their bodies…

Instead of racing to the finish line of this year, tread gently.

Go slowly. Amidst the chaos, find small pockets of silence. Find compassion. Allow the healing. And most of all… Be kind. There’s no human being on earth who couldn’t use just a little bit more of the healing salve of kindness."

Putting it like that, of course, we're exhausted. We're like a person who thinks they're feeling better at the end of an illness, so they dive fully back into life, only to crash midday because their body didn't actually have as much energy as their brain thought it did. We tried to fling ourselves into life, desperate to feel normal and make up for lost time, without taking the time to fully acknowledge the impact of the past two years or to fully recover and heal from it.


tired, exhausted, wicker chair, psychology, tired woman, A tired woman laying on the couch.via Canva/Photos

Of course, life can't just stop, but we do need to allow some time for our bodies, minds, and spirits to heal from what they've been through. The uncertainty, the precariousness of "normal," the after-effects of everything that upended life as we knew it are real. The grief and trauma of those who have experienced the worst of the pandemic are real. The overwhelm of our brains and hearts as we try to process it all is real.

So let's be gentle with one another and ourselves as we roll our harried selves into another new year. We could all use that little extra measure of grace as we strive to figure out what a true and healthy "normal" feels like.

You can follow Naomi Holdt on Facebook.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Pop Culture

UPS driver breaks down into tears saying goodbye to dogs he's known for over 10 years

The driver was making his last route, and shared an emotional farewell with his furry friends.

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Mail carriers are a vital part of our community.

People in service jobs can become really bonded and connected with the people they serve—as well as their animals.

For a Georgia-based UPS driver, his last shift meant having to say goodbye to two sweet Brittany breed pups that greeted him along his route over the past 10 years. Bidding that decade-long friendship farewell was nothing less than a tearjerker.

In a touching clip shared by @ABC News' TikTok on June 23, the UPS driver (named Mario) makes his way to the house, package in hand, as the dogs welcome him with full tail-wagging excitement. Honestly, without the sniffles of the dog mom capturing the video, you’d probably think nothing of this interaction.

ups driver, ups, brittany dogs, positive news, feel good stories, wholesome tiktok, dogs A Brittany puppy.Photo credit: Canva

“Hey Mario,” the woman says, overcome with emotion. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Mario whispers back, also verklempt.

“I love you man, I really do,” the woman says, to which Mario replies, “Thank you I love you too.”

While the dogs don’t audibly say anything, the love they feel for Mario is also very visible. The entire video is five seconds shy of a minute, yet it packed quite the emotional punch in very little time.

@abcnews

After more than a decade of dog treats and deliveries, a UPS driver in Georgia shared an emotional moment with a couple of pups and their owner as he bid them farewell during his last shift.

“This should be a UPS commercial," one person wrote.

Even the official UPS TikTok account chimed in, saying “You never expect a goodbye to hit this hard.”

So many people shared their appreciation for some truly positive interactions, especially in such dark and uncertain times.

“THIS is what our world needs,” one person wrote, while another echoed, “this is what this world is supposed to be like, nothing but love.”

“I needed this today. There's so much hate in this world. My heart really hurts,” added a third.

Indeed, there might be many unsavory things happening right now, but so much of the world also looks just like this, full of harmonious coexistence, shared appreciation, easygoing friendships, and love for one another. Those things might not always make headlines, but they do exist, and sharing these moments gives us reason to keep going.

ups driver, ups, brittany dogs, positive news, feel good stories, wholesome tiktok, dogs A mail delivery carrier.Photo credit: Canva

It also just goes to show how mail carriers provide not only a vital service, but a sense of much-needed community to animals and humans alike. As folks in the comments suggested, Mario, the woman, and the doggos can hopefully continue their friendship even if his time at UPS is ending. After all, why rob these pups of their BFF?

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13 common phrases that make people cringe (and what to say instead)

“Few things shut down a conversation faster than this one.”

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When honesty isn't always the best policy.

Ah, the awkward silence. We all pretend not to notice it—suddenly stretching our arms or scanning every corner of the room—but it's there. Sometimes it stems from something we've said, and often we don't even know why! Given how people come from such different backgrounds and upbringings, these conversational missteps are practically inevitable.

But don't worry! A touch of social anxiety never hurt anyone, and usually the solution is as simple as adjusting your phrasing. Etiquette experts and social skills coaches agree that despite our differences, certain specific phrases universally come across as tone-deaf, even when we're genuinely trying to connect. We've rounded up 13 of the worst offenders—do you catch yourself using any of these?


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“I’m just being honest”

Honesty may be a virtue, but not when it’s used like this. When someone says, “I’m just being honest,” it’s typically to justify bluntness or insensitivity, therefore absolving them of any guilt or shame from the resulting hurt feelings.

Use this instead: “Can I offer some feedback?” or “I want to be honest with you, but I also want to be kind.”

“No offense, but…”

Stop right there, buddy. With a preface like that, it’s pretty darn likely that the following sentence will be offensive. “It rarely works and often insults people,” personal and corporate life coach, Mason Farmani, warns.

Use this instead: “I hope you don’t mind me saying,” or “I’m really sorry if this comes across as rude, but…”


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You’re too sensitive.

This sentence is a one-way ticket to an emotional connection dead zone. Even if they are a sensitive person, it communicates that their feelings are invalid, and can make them feel even more alienated.

Use this instead: “I’m here for you.”

“Whatever.”

“This dismissive phrase is a conversational version of the middle finger,” Farmani says.

Use this instead: Words that reflect how you actually feel.

‘Whatever,’ what a versatile word! Depending on the context, try throwing one of these out instead:

  • “Let’s agree to disagree.”
  • “I’m not sure how to respond to this right now. Can we take a pause?”
  • “I hear what you’re saying.”
  • “I don’t feel strongly either way—what do you think is best?”

gnome, sign, whatever, go away, social skills With “whatever,” you might as well be saying “Go away.” Photo by John Bussell on Unsplash

“Calm down.”

Genuine question: has this ever worked on anyone? “Rare is the person who is actually made more calm when told to 'calm down,’” explains Nick Leighton, an etiquette expert and co-host of the weekly podcast Were You Raised By Wolves?

Use this instead: “Take your time. I’m here when you're ready.”

“You always…” or “You never…”

These words are conversation poison because they’re disproportionate generalizations. “They put the other on the defensive and start a confrontation,” reports Farmani.

Use this instead: An ‘I’ statement.

Instead of saying “You never help me,” shift to your experience and the impact of that lack of assistance to, “I felt overwhelmed this morning when I was making the kids' breakfast by myself. I’d love some help before work.”

Be specific, assertive (but kind), and show empathy.


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“I told you so.”

Congrats, do you want a cookie? Saying this serves no purpose, besides making yourself feel superior. It adds nothing to the conversation and makes the other person feel even worse—like you’re running a victory lap around their mistake.

Use this instead: “I’m here if you want to talk about what happened.”

“Not my problem.”

This is a lack of empathy slap in the face! Even if something isn’t your responsibility, there are more considerate ways to communicate that.

Use this instead: “That sounds tough. Have you tried [RESOURCE] or [SUGGESTION]?”

Or, if you’re open to hearing what’s on their mind: “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. Is there a specific way I can support you?”

people, couch, arms crossed, mad, argument Just because it's technically not your problem, you might be creating a brand-new one. Photo credit: Canva

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Saying this creates an instant, impenetrable, icy barrier between you and the other person. Few strings of words shut down a conversation like this one, because of how dismissed the other person feels as a result.

Use this instead: “Have you ever felt [describe a relatable emotion or situation]? It’s something like that.”

“Actually…”

In grammar, ‘actually’ serves a contradiction or correction, which can make the other person feel demeaned. “The primary goal in social interaction is to be understood by fellow conversation participants. If that is accomplished, it should not matter what the exact phonetics and syntax of the speech are,” writes Benjamin Davis of The Michigan Daily.

Use this instead: “That’s an interesting point. I see it a bit differently—do you mind if I share?”

Or, if it’s just a simple correction: “In my understanding…”


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“I don’t care.”

Even if it’s true, do you have to say it so dismissively? Being on the receiving end of this can feel disheartening. Or, as one social communications expert put it, “It’s a phrase that can immediately create distance and a sense of disconnection in a conversation.”

Use this instead:

There are many ways to not care, and things to not care about. So, try these:

  • “I’m flexible.”
  • “I’m good with whatever you choose.”
  • “No preference here.”
  • “Sounds like you’re [INSERT EMOTION]. Thanks for sharing that with me.”

“That’s stupid.”

Well…now what? Where can a productive conversation possibly go after a statement like this?

Use this instead: “I’m not sure if I understand. Can you walk me through your thinking?”

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“Why are you being so dramatic?”

“This is a way of invalidating your feelings and treating them as a defect rather than a perfectly normal part of communicating,” Farmani explains.

Use this instead: “Is there something specific that’s making this feel especially hard right now?” Even if they may seem extreme, instead of labeling their actions as "dramatic," try to understand what’s going on behind the scenes and driving that emotional response.


Human empathy is at the core of social skills. To get better at conversations, it’s best to avoid phrases that dismiss, belittle, or invalidate others—whether that was your intention or not.

“How we speak shapes how others see us,” as one expert puts it. “A little extra care with our words can mean the difference between connection and conflict.” So, in your very next conversation, keep in mind: it’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. There are ways to be truthful about your thoughts and opinions without being dismissive. And leave these 13 phrases at home, please!

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