upworthy
Health

Expert shares the 1 sentence that can stop an argument from boiling over

The trick is that you have to really mean it.

conversation, arguments, communication tips
via Canva/Photos
A guy having a collaborative conversation.

We live in an age of conflict. Sharp political and social divides are everywhere, and while it's easy to theoretically write off people who disagree with us on fundamental core issues and values, the reality is that we often must co-exist with them and learn to manage our conflicts in a healthy way. Sometimes that means putting aside our differences and "agreeing to disagree." Something it means hashing them out.

The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.

Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.

Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict. Not surprisingly, she's in high demand on news programs, conferences, and media summits these days.


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

How to have a constructive conversation

Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.

The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”

It shows genuine curiosity in their point of view. That's critical to avoid someone shutting down on you.


conversation, arguments, communication tipsPeople coming to an agreement.Canva/Photos

When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.

It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.

Look out for signs of defensiveness like blaming, criticizing, making excuses, or being passive-aggressive. These are warning signals that your conversation is veering off the rails.

Phrases you can use to avoid an argument

The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”

Here are some other phrases you can use:

“I wonder if…”

“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”

“I might be wrong, but…”

“How funny! I had a different reaction…”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”

“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsTwo men high-fiving one another. \u200bvia Canva/Photos

What's the best way to disagree with people?

A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.

“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.

The key words are "willing" and "genuine." These phrases aren't magic bullets designed to help you level your opponents. You have to actually, truly be willing to learn about their perspective and be open to changing your mind.

@danbharris

Let me know in the comments if this data rings true to you and your experience of conflict. And check out danharris.com for more from Amanda Ripley including what she has to say about “conflict entrepreneurs,”people who inflame turmoil to benefit themselves. #conflict #healthyconflict #communication #tenpercenthappier #10percenthappier

Another common tip that usually comes from the world of couple's counseling is to stop seeing the other person as your adversary. If you can imagine the two of you on the same team versus the problem, your conversations will be more productive.

In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

From Your Site Articles
relationships
Joy

Under or over? There actually is a 'right' way to hang a toilet paper roll.

The debate is settled, once and for all.

Elya/Wikimedia Commons

Should you hang the toilet paper roll over or under?

Humans have debated things large and small over the millennia, from democracy to breastfeeding in public to how often people ought to wash their sheets. But perhaps the most silly-yet-surprisingly heated household debate is the one in which we argue over which way to hang the toilet paper roll.

The "over or under" question has plagued marriages and casual acquaintances alike for over 100 years, with both sides convinced they have the soundest reasoning for putting their toilet paper loose end out or loose end under. Some people feel so strongly about right vs. wrong TP hanging that they will even flip the roll over when they go to the bathroom in the homes of strangers.

Contrary to popular belief, it's not merely an inconsequential preference. According to health experts and the man who invented the toilet paper roll, there is actually a "correct" way to hang toilet paper.

What is the correct way to hang a roll of toilet paper?

First, let's be clear about what we're even talking about here with a visual. In the image below, left is "over" and right is "under."

toilet paper, bathrooms, over or under, toilet roll, bathroom etiquetteToilet paper hung "over" (left) and "under" (right)Elya/Wikimedia Commons


So which one is the right way? According to health experts, "over" is the way to go.

"One key to maintaining a hygienic washroom is minimising contact between people and surfaces," Dr. Christian Moro, associate professor of health sciences and medicine at Bond University on Australia's Gold Coast, told Australian Broadcasting Corporation. "Depending on the type of roll holder, [hanging the toilet paper "over"] often lowers the chance that a user will touch the wall behind when fishing for paper, leaving germs behind on that surface which can be spread to the next user."

Picture it: Grabbing the end of the toilet paper when it's hung "over" means you only touch the part of the toilet paper you're going to use. When it's "under," you sometimes have to fish for it or scrape your fingers on the wall in order to grab the loose end. In addition to whatever might be on people's hands already, think about all the people who wipe twice, potentially transferring fresh fecal matter or other bacteria to the wall on the second pass, which then get picked up by other people who inadvertently touch that wall when trying to grab their TP.

Theoretically, we all should have become better hand washers during the pandemic, scrubbing with soap for the full 20 seconds it takes to remove bacteria. But I wouldn't be willing to bet on it.

toilet paper, empty toilet paper roll, batthroom, bathroom etiquette, over or underEmpty toilet paper roll.via Canva/Photos

And touching any surface in a bathroom is pretty nasty, according to a study from the University of Colorado. As Inc. reported: "Using a high-tech genetic sequencing tool, researchers identified 19 groups of bacteria on the doors, floors, faucet handles, soap dispensers, and toilets of 12 public restrooms in Colorado — six men’s restrooms and six women’s restrooms. Many of the bacteria strains identified could be transmitted by touching contaminated surfaces."

Bacteria means things like e.coli, which is a common source of food poisoning and one of the most common bacteria found on bathroom surfaces in the study. If you've ever had a bout of food poisoning, I'm sure you'll agree that a toilet paper roll hanging preference isn't worth risking it.

But sanitary health concerns aren't the only argument for the "over" camp. After all, the original patent for the toilet paper roll, issued in 1891, clearly shows the TP in the "over" position. Thank you for the clarity right from the get go, Mr. Wheeler.

toilet paper, bathrooms, over or under, toilet roll, bathroom etiquetteThe toilet paper roll was patented by Seth Wheeler in 1891.Public Domain


In Wheeler's patent, the perforated toilet paper hangs on a roll in the "over" position. In the words of the patent, the sheets of TP are “partially separated, having their points of attachment arranged in a novel manner, whereby each sheet will easily separate from the series as it is drawn from the roll, there being no litter occasioned, and any waste of paper is thereby prevented.”

Now, before the "under" folks come running with their pitchforks, there are some understandable exceptions to the "over" rule. Namely: cats and kids.

If you have a furry friend or a tiny toddler who likes to unroll the toilet paper roll, "over" makes it super fun for them, while "under" stops them in their tracks. For many people, cats and kids are the primary motivator of their TP hanging habits.

That doesn't change the fact that "over" is actually the "correct" way to hang toilet paper according to health science and the inventor's intention, of course, but "under" is certainly preferable to having a pile of TP on the floor.

Now go forth, do that with information as you will, and try to make peace with your over vs. under rivals.

This article originally appeared last year.

From Your Site Articles
toilet paper
Education

Billionaire Mark Cuban reveals the secret to his success comes down to one simple habit

It's all about your mindset.

via Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

Mark Cuban speaking at a business roundtable hosted by the Kamala Harris for President campaign at Ocotillo in Phoenix, Arizona on October 19, 2024.

Knowledge is one of the only things people can’t take from you. You can lose your possessions, relationships, and money, but what’s between your ears is pretty much forever. The great thing is that we can continue learning new skills and information throughout our lives. However, some folks get stuck because they feel they don’t have the drive to learn new skills or the ability to develop them. A lot of the time, these barriers were built by our own design.

Billionaire Mark Cuban says the key to success is the ability to continue evolving and learning new skills. Cuban is an entrepreneur, investor, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, and star of ABC's Shark Tank. In a 2021 interview with Men's Health, he explained the secret to his success.

What's the secret to Mark Cuban’s success?

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

"When you’re first starting—you may or may not have a job, you don’t have any money, you’re [uncertain] about your career. What I learned early on is that if I put in the effort, I can learn almost anything. It may take me a long time, but by putting in the effort, I taught myself technology. I taught myself to program. It was time-consuming—painfully so—but that investment in myself has paid dividends for the rest of my life. And the fact that I recognized that learning was truly a skill, and that by continuing to learn to this day, I'm able to compete and keep up and get ahead of most people. Because the reality is most people don't put in the time to keep up and learn, and that's always given me a competitive advantage.”


The empowering thing about Cuban’s advice is that it can help just about anyone, regardless of their economic status. In most cases, people can teach themselves valuable skills that can help them get a job or go out on their own with very little, if any, money. The key is to believe in yourself enough that you can learn the skill and to persevere, no matter the setbacks.

The problem is that we often hold ourselves back by telling ourselves that we aren’t smart enough or don’t have the talent to learn certain skills. When, in reality, we have everything we need to learn something new, we’ve just talked ourselves out of it.

What is a growth mindset?

Carol Dweck, a researcher who focuses on human motivation, says that it all comes down to whether we have a fixed or growth mindset. Those who have a fixed mindset and have a hard time picking up new skills believe that their skill set cannot be improved. They may think they're good at athletics but aren’t great at math, so they stick to sports instead of teaching themselves how the stock market works.

new skill, labor, woman in hard hat, drill press, factoryA woman in a hard hat.via Canva/Photos

However, other people, such as Cuban, have a growth mindset and believe they can expand and change beyond how they see themselves in the current moment. “There’s another mindset in which these traits are not simply a hand you’re dealt and have to live with, always trying to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you’re secretly worried it’s a pair of tens,” Dweck writes in Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. “The hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts.

Dweck believes that we can break into a growth mindset by harnessing the power of “not yet.” Let’s say you’ve always wanted to play guitar but told yourself that you’re “not musical,” so you haven’t picked up the instrument. The key is to say to yourself, “I’m not yet musical, but I have an eye on the goal of becoming so."

Adopting the “not yet” mentality helps you understand you're on a learning curve. "It gives you a glimpse into the future," Dweck said. Learn more about developing a growth mindset and achieving your goals in her TED Talk, “The Power of Believing That You Can Improve,” posted below:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

From Your Site Articles
success
Mental Health

Motivation expert explains how two simple words can free you from taking things personally

You don't need to take responsibility for everything and everyone.

via TEDx SF/Flickr and TEDx SF/Flickr

Mel Robbins making a TED Talk.

Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote “Let it Be,” a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.

The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations, and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control. “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”

This idea of giving up control (or the illusion of it) when it does us no good was perfectly distilled into two words that everyone can understand: "Let Them." This is officially known as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video posted in May 2023.

“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.

“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”

“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.

The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose?

@melrobbins

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the #melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode

How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.

It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k.’ Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” one viewer wrote.

“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.

The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”

let them theory, let it be, paul mccartney, the beatles, exhalethe beatles wave GIFGiphy

This article originally appeared last year.

From Your Site Articles
psychology
Celebrity

Actor Neal McDonough brings cowboy grit and faith to the silver screen in 'The Last Rodeo'

"My faith has a huge part in everything that I do," McDonough tells Upworthy.

Courtesy of Angel Studios

Actor Neal McDonough stars in the new Angel Studios movie 'The Last Rodeo'.

Actor Neal McDonough is finally a leading man in his most recent film, The Last Rodeo. Released by Angel Studios (known for the 2023 hit film Sound of Freedom), its the third film McDonogh has starred in with the company, including The Shift (2023) and Homestead (2024).

McDonough, 59, produced and co-wrote the film alongside his writing partner Derek Presley. Once the film was given the greenlight, he knew there was only one director he wanted behind the camera: Jon Avnet.

“he Last Rodeo is really our baby,” McDonough tells Upworthy. “(Avnet) took a chance on me in Boomtown 25 years ago, took another chance on me in Justified, took another chance on me in 88 Minutes with Al Pacino,” he says, adding that he will “get choked up” if he keeps talking about the greatness of Avnet and the work he did with the story and imagery.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

McDonough plays a retired bull rider named Joe Wainwright, whose legendary career ended after a severe neck and back injury in a riding accident. When Wainright’s grandson is diagnosed with a brain tumor, he chooses to exit retirement and undergo a Rocky-esque training journey to compete in the Professional Bull Riding (PBR) Legends Championship with hopes of winning the million dollar prize to help pay for his grandson’s treatment. (McDonough’s wife, Ruvé, also stars in the film as his wife, Rose.)

“If you love bull riding, you’re going to lose your mind when you see this,” says McDonough.

Avnet praised McDonough for his grit and determination to bring a broken character to screen as a leading man. “I believed he was the successor to Clint Eastwood, Gary Cooper, John Wayne–pick ‘em,” Avnet tells Upworthy. “Neal has played villains and tough characters most of his life, and he does it as well as anybody.

McDonough notes that The Last Rodeo touches on “the fractured relationships that we all go through in life and how we mend and build them back up through strength and faith.”

Known for his Christian faith (“God first, me second. Family first, me second,” he explains), McDonough references how real-life career setbacks and struggles that impacted his role in The Last Rodeo.

“Years ago I went through a very hard thing where I wouldn’t do intimate scenes in a show and I got fired. For two years I was just wallowing in self pity and drinking way too much whiskey, making it selfishly about my pain and torture–not realizing that I was really hurting my wife and my kids at the same time,” he says. “I thought I was masking it. I didn’t think anyone knew. But it’s easy when everyone sees your house being taken away from you, your car’s being taken away–everyone knows that you’re struggling. I just wouldn’t admit it.”

One day he said to God, “Why have you forgotten all about me?” And within minutes, it was clear that He hadn’t. McDonough received a call from Avnet asking him to play the bad guy that season in Justified, changing the trajectory of his Hollywood career.

“Ever since that moment, I have taken every role that I’ve had and treated it like a heavyweight championship. This is my prize fight. This is my big shot. I’m not going to let anybody down. And that’s my work ethic when it comes to doing film. So my faith has a huge part in everything that I do. Everything that I write, everything that I act in.”

That determination came with him to set. In The Last Rodeo, McDonough also shares his first onscreen kiss with wife Ruvé, making a full-circle moment.

“Our goal was not to make a faith-based film. It was to make a great film,” McDonough says. “That being said, we wanted to have a backdrop of not just bull riding, but a backdrop of faith. It’s not over the top or too preachy. It doesn’t matter if you’re Christian, Jewish, Agnostic, Muslim, Buddhist–we want you to go to the theater and watch a great film."

The film opened in theatres over Memorial Day weekend, earning nearly $7 million at the box office. It is currently playing in select theatres. Check here for showtimes here.

neal mcdonough
Mental Health

Psychologist Carl Jung believed these five specific things will lead you to a happier life

"Happiness is such a remarkable reality that there is nobody who does not long for it."

Canva

A happy woman in a field.

If you've ever taken the Myers-Briggs personality assessment (ENFJ here), you've had at least a splash of Jungian psychology. Some of it's rather complicated, involving one's shadow selves and emotions—which tracks, as Jung was a complicated thinker.

When it comes to having a fulfilled life, Jung's baseline is actually quite simple: he believed there were five essential elements for a life of contentment.

As part of the Happiness Project, celebrated author Gretchen Rubin relayed Jung's "key elements to happiness" on Psychology Today in 2012. She shares that journalist Gordon Young asked Jung in 1960, "What do you consider to be more or less basic factors making for happiness in the human mind?"

carl jung, happiness, psychologist, therapy, psychologyA portrait of Carl Jung.en.m.wikipedia.org

These were Jung's answers:.

1. "Physical and mental health."

This might seem like a no-brainer, but much like fellow psychologist Abraham Maslow's well-known Hierarchy of Needs, there must be a basic ground floor under us to secure a road to happiness. For Maslow, it was labeled "physiological" at the bottom of a pyramid—meaning the ability to breathe, eat, and drink water. Basic elements to stay alive. Jung added to "physical health" or basic mental health such as a functioning mind that allows an individual to wake up and function, even at the most elementary level.

2. "Good personal and intimate relationships, such as those of marriage, the family, and friendships."

Again, similar to Maslow's third rung on the hierarchy pyramid, connection is key, no matter what form it takes. Getting along with people in your life—your spouse, parents, friends—brings happiness. Maslow called it love. Jung called it "intimate."

3. "The faculty for perceiving beauty in art and nature."

This one deviates from Maslow a bit. Jung stressed the importance of keeping a sense of wonder about the universe by seeing beauty in the world around you, especially in nature. Just as important as beauty in nature, though, is beauty also in the art (music, paintings, dance, literature) created by those around us.

4. "Reasonable standards of living and satisfactory work."

Here, Jung suggests that one's home and workplace be "reasonable and satisfactory." Some may argue to aim higher, but Jung is essentially saying that without these basic building blocks met, there's little chance of achieving happiness.

5. "A philosophic or religious point of view capable of coping successfully with the vicissitudes of life."

Here is where Jung lines back up with Maslow. One doesn't have to be religious, but having some sort of philosophical lens to think about the "bigger picture" of life is important in terms of happiness. For Maslow, this was described as self-actualization, but Jung focused it more on how one "copes" with unanswered questions and our place in the vast universe.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Of course, even Jung himself tinkered with these ideas until he passed. It's hard to sum up "happiness" in a way that applies to every single human's needs. Jung famously stressed that happiness can't be defined without also understanding sadness.

A thread on Reddit entitled "Do you agree with Jungian 5 pillars of a fulfilled life?" had people thinking.

One commenter believes looking outward could be helpful:

"I think another crucial thing for me would be knowing that I helped people or even humanity throughout my life. I think if everyone would try to understand other people more and help them, then we would have a better world."

This Redditor agreed, saying, "I would add activities which contribute meaningfully to society as the second most important pillar after health."

Another adds that these pillars change as we age:

"I agree that those are desirable things, but they also fluctuate throughout our lives—poor health can come and go, as can relationships, standards of living, and jobs. We can lose them and find them again and still have a life that is fulfilling or not, largely depending on our mental outlook."

From Your Site Articles
happiness
Trending Stories