Therapist explains phenomenon of mother's feeling ‘touched out’ and shares tips to help
“You’re not a monster.”
Therapists explains being 'touched out' and gives tips to help
Just about every mother has experienced the feeling of being touched out. They may not know that's what it's called, or some may feel embarrassed to admit they're feeling that way due to fear of judgement. But when you think about it, being touched out, especially when you have younger kids seems inevitable.
The sense of your body not belonging to only you can start during pregnancy. Everything you do directly affects your developing fetus, and once the baby is born, it needs a lot of physical contact for proper brain, social, and emotional development. So babies are held a lot outside of feedings. Those babies turn into toddlers who then turn into early school agers, all of whom rely very heavily on co-regulation of their emotions and being physically near their parent to feel safe.
It's pretty much a constant state of being touched throughout much of the day. When psychologist, Dr. Raquel Martin reveals she too feels touched out in a video on Instagram, parents across the internet felt validated.
"Are you a mom who feels as though you are a monster because every time your child touches you, you want to crawl out of your skin? Well, this message is for you," Martin opens the video. "I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, professor and scientist, and I'm here to tell you that you are likely experiencing feeling 'touched out.' Being touched out is incredibly normal."
The psychologist explains that people don't often talk about how much autonomy you lose when you become a parent. Being touched all the time, while being responsible for all other things that come along with parenting can cause parents to experience sensory overload. Martin reveals that when she's feeling touched out, that it can sometimes feel like she wants to, "rip my face off."
As you can see from the video, her face is still very much in tact. Maybe it has something to do with the tips she gives parents in the video and caption.
"1. Prevention is Key: Don’t wait until you’re running on empty. Keep your tank at least half-full by recognizing early signs of sensory overload.
2. Recognize Your Signs: Be aware of your personal indicators, like skin crawling, frustration, or irritability.
3. Incorporate Personal Space: Make intentional space in your routine, especially when support is available, to engage in activities that don’t require “parent brain.”
4. Solo Time vs. Social Time: Decide what rejuvenates you more - quiet alone time or catching up with friends.
5. Communicate Your Needs: Educate your partner or support system about what you’re experiencing and how they can help."
Parents in the comments were thankful for the message of support and validation.
"The way this entire message validated my spirit! Whew Chile! Thank you," one person says.
"Omg. I'm just so used to putting up with it if I don't have my hubby to tag me out. Thank you for the tips to help for when I don't have support available," someone else writes.
"I have never felt more seen or understood as I did watching this video. Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings, and for validating my own. You continue to inspire," another commenter reveals.
The validation and tips are extremely helpful in normalizing the feeling. Hopefully other parents find the video helpful in knowing what to do when feeling touched out.
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There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
A woman in black long sleeve shirt stands in front of mirror.
Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."