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Inclusivity

A white woman shares 13 things she's learned since marrying a Black man

A white woman shares 13 things she's learned since marrying a Black man
via Pamela Chandler

As the old saying goes, there's no way to know what another person experiences in life unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. But it's nearly impossible to understand how a person of another race experiences life because it's impossible to change one's skin color or cultural background.

People in interracial relationships have a special window into what it's like to be a different race because they see the differences in how their partner is perceived and treated by others.

Pamela Chandler, a white woman, and her husband Walter, a Black man, from Dayton, Ohio, made a list of 13 things that being in an interracial relationship and having a biracial child has taught them and posted it on Facebook.


The post received tremendous feedback from people in interracial relationships and those who had no idea what the experience is like. Upworthy got a chance to talk to Pamela about the post, the interview follows her and Walter's list.


So as a white woman married to a black man and raising a biracial child I've had to unlearn a lot of things. I've also...
Posted by The Chandler Crew on Tuesday, June 30, 2020

1.) She drives

I have to drive basically anytime we are leaving the Dayton area. We don't talk about it each time, we just both know that if we are leaving our general 'safe' area and heading to smaller town Ohio roads I'm the one driving.

2.) She does the paperwork

I have to handle store clerks, returns, getting documents signed, anything with any federal building or administrative work, I get further with any type of 'paperwork' thing that needs handled, people listen to me and are much more agreeable than with him.

3.) Avoid the greeting card aisle

The chances that we find a Black or Interracial couple on a greeting card are SLIM. Unless you want to give the same Black couple card every year, which we have. There are hundreds of white couples to choose from though!

4.) Walter has to go out of his way to present a friendly face

My husband goes out of his way to be nice and talk to EVERYONE. Not because he's a people person, but because he has learned that a 6'5 Black man intimidates people and so he overcompensates by being overly friendly so people won't be afraid of him.

5.) Be ready to show your receipt

If Walter is pushing the cart I always have to have my receipt ready when leaving the store.

6.) "You guys rent, right?"

None of our neighbors thought we owned our home, multiple neighbors stopped my father and asked him if he was the new landlord for us. Because of course, the old white man must have purchased the home. Not only do we own our home, it's fully paid off, we have no mortgage and we paid for it BY OURSELVES.

7.) Jesus doesn't see color, but some of his followers do

It took us YEARS to find a church without racist undertones and low key racist members, YEARS!

via Pamela Chandler


8.) The toy aisle isn't very inclusive

When doll shopping our daughter gets 25 white options and 1-2 black or mixed race doll options.

9.) Skin tone matters

The same people who stop us daily to say how adorable our daughter is, are the same people who would cross the street if Walter was walking alone.

10.) Stay clear of the stars 'n bars

We avoid all places with Confederate flags.

11.) Lots of old people are racist

If we go to Bob Evans (or any restaurant that caters to 'seniors') too early we are met with a lot of stares, the old racists eat between 4-5 pm.

12.) Walter can't be alone in the park

When Walter goes to a playground with our daughter he constantly stays by her side, if not he gets stares and people wonder what the 'big black man' is doing on the park bench.

13.) A non-controversial statement is, sadly, still controversial

Walter is concerned our Black Lives Matter sign by the door will make us a target when he is not home so he asked me to remove it.

via Pamela Chandler


After Pamela first made the post, she received responses from people all over the world.

"Our experience is so familiar to many people and that really hits you in the gut if you think about how common these things are for people of color," she told Upworthy.

"I think probably my favorite responses have been from older white people. We have so many older white people reaching out shocked and heartbroken that this is happening to us," she continued. "But the thing is, this is happening to people of color every day, everywhere."

Pamela believes that change begins when people "share their experiences with one another so people know it's happening everywhere."

"I'm glad the post resonated with people because, at the end of the day, it shows we are all humans just trying to make our way in this world and we all deserve to do that freely and without barriers," she added.

The first time Pamela experienced racism is when she was driving with Walter down a road in rural Ohio and was pulled over by the police. "Two police officers approached the car, one from each side and a third stayed at the back of the car," she said. "They all had their hands over their gun holsters as they approached."

This was all because her license plate light was out.

"Walter was in the passenger seat and they asked him for his license, not me the driver, and they then proceeded to ask him if he had any warrants," she said. "I've never been asked that in my life so I was shocked. We answered all their questions, they ran his license and he was cleared and they let us go after making sure, again that I was ok."

Experiencing racism as a couple can also cause problems between partners.

"I'm usually the loudmouth, and he is usually the one telling me to drop it and let it go. I'm coming from a place of privilege when I feel like I can discuss with a white person and get them to see why what they are doing is wrong," she said.

"Walter is oftentimes coming from a completely different perspective where it can be dangerous to speak up or pointless to speak up, so typically our disagreements come when he wants me to be quiet and I want to scream at the unjustness in the world," she added.

The incredible response the family has received led them to create a Facebook page called The Chandler Crew where people can "connect with like-minded people all over the globe" as well as a blog.

"At the end of the day we are all just learning and unlearning and learning again how to love each other better," Pamela said.

Identity

Celebrate International Women's Day with these stunning photos of female leaders changing the world

The portraits, taken by acclaimed photographer Nigel Barker, are part of CARE's "She Leads the World" campaign.

Images provided by CARE

Kadiatu (left), Zainab (right)

True

Women are breaking down barriers every day. They are transforming the world into a more equitable place with every scientific discovery, athletic feat, social justice reform, artistic endeavor, leadership role, and community outreach project.

And while these breakthroughs are happening all the time, International Women’s Day (Mar 8) is when we can all take time to acknowledge the collective progress, and celebrate how “She Leads the World.

This year, CARE, a leading global humanitarian organization dedicated to empowering women and girls, is celebrating International Women’s Day through the power of portraiture. CARE partnered with high-profile photographer Nigel Barker, best known for his work on “America’s Next Top Model,” to capture breathtaking images of seven remarkable women who have prevailed over countless obstacles to become leaders within their communities.

“Mabinty, Isatu, Adama, and Kadiatu represent so many women around the world overcoming incredible obstacles to lead their communities,” said Michelle Nunn, President and CEO of CARE USA.

Barker’s bold portraits, as part of CARE’s “She Leads The World” campaign, not only elevate each woman’s story, but also shine a spotlight on how CARE programs helped them get to where they are today.

About the women:

Mabinty

international womens day, care.org

Mabinty is a businesswoman and a member of a CARE savings circle along with a group of other women. She buys and sells groundnuts, rice, and fuel. She and her husband have created such a successful enterprise that Mabinty volunteers her time as a teacher in the local school. She was the first woman to teach there, prompting a second woman to do so. Her fellow teachers and students look up to Mabinty as the leader and educator she is.

Kadiatu

international womens day, care.org

Kadiatu supports herself through a small business selling food. She also volunteers at a health clinic in the neighboring village where she is a nursing student. She tests for malaria, works with infants, and joins her fellow staff in dancing and singing with the women who visit the clinic. She aspires to become a full-time nurse so she can treat and cure people. Today, she leads by example and with ambition.

Isatu

international womens day, care.org

When Isatu was three months pregnant, her husband left her, seeking his fortune in the gold mines. Now Isatu makes her own way, buying and selling food to support her four children. It is a struggle, but Isatu is determined to be a part of her community and a provider for her kids. A single mother of four is nothing if not a leader.

Zainab

international womens day, care.org

Zainab is the Nurse in Charge at the Maternal Child Health Outpost in her community. She is the only nurse in the surrounding area, and so she is responsible for the pre-natal health of the community’s mothers-to-be and for the safe delivery of their babies. In a country with one of the world’s worst maternal death rates, Zainab has not lost a single mother. The community rallies around Zainab and the work she does. She describes the women who visit the clinic as sisters. That feeling is clearly mutual.

Adama

international womens day, care.org

Adama is something few women are - a kehkeh driver. A kehkeh is a three-wheeled motorcycle taxi, known elsewhere as a tuktuk. Working in the Kissy neighborhood of Freetown, Adama is the primary breadwinner for her family, including her son. She keeps her riders safe in other ways, too, by selling condoms. With HIV threatening to increase its spread, this is a vital service to the community.

Ya Yaebo

international womens day, care.org

“Ya” is a term of respect for older, accomplished women. Ya Yaebo has earned that title as head of her local farmers group. But there is much more than that. She started as a Village Savings and Loan Association member and began putting money into her business. There is the groundnut farm, her team buys and sells rice, and own their own oil processing machine. They even supply seeds to the Ministry of Agriculture. She has used her success to the benefit of people in need in her community and is a vocal advocate for educating girls, not having gone beyond grade seven herself.

On Monday, March 4, CARE will host an exhibition of photography in New York City featuring these portraits, kicking off the multi-day “She Leads the World Campaign.

Learn more, view the portraits, and join CARE’s International Women's Day "She Leads the World" celebration at CARE.org/sheleads.


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