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The life-changing magic of knowing whether people are 'Askers' or 'Guessers'

The life-changing magic of knowing whether people are 'Askers' or 'Guessers'
Photo by Eunice Lituañas on Unsplash

My husband and I own a short-term rental, and last year a woman rented it for a couple of months straight. She was friendly, personable, and overall a lovely guest. But she asked for things, a lot. Like, all the time. Big things, little things—it seemed like pretty much anything she thought she could possibly ask for, she asked for.

My husband, who manages the property and requests from guests, found himself getting irritated that she was asking for so many things.

"I don't think she expects you to actually say yes to all of these things," I finally told him. "I think she's just an extreme asker."

He looked puzzled. That's when I pulled up this Atlantic article I'd read years ago about how some people are "Askers" and some people are "Guessers" and read it to him.

"Wow," he said after I finished. "That is seriously life-changing."

"Life-changing" is how practically I share this concept with describes it once they understand it. When you hear it explained, it seems so obvious, but it's not something people articulate often.

It's also not particularly scientific. The original Askers vs. Guessers explanation appears to have come from someone's AskMetafilter answer in 2007, but it's since been expanded and expounded upon by various people throughout the years.

Here's the gist of it:

Some people are Askers, and in "ask culture," it's normal and expected to ask directly for the things you want. It's also normal to say no to such requests. Asking culture is upfront, direct, and generally okay with saying no and being told no. If you want something, you simply ask for it without an expectation of any particular answer.

Other people are Guessers, and in "guess culture," you don't ask for things unless you're quite sure the answer will be yes. You might drop hints or make vague allusions to what you want as you try to gauge whether the person would say yes, or even to get an offer without having to ask. If you think the answer might be no, you simply don't ask.

Where Askers and Guessers clash the most is in the saying no part. Askers know sometimes the answer will be no, but they ask anyway. Because Guessers won't ask if the answer might be no, they might assume Askers expect all of their asks to be answered with yes. Saying no is uncomfortable to a Guesser, so being put into the position of having to say no to someone's ask feels rude.

I've had coworkers, family members, and friends say this concept totally changed the way they see and interact with people. Guessers tend to struggle with the bluntness of Askers and feel put off by their directness until they understand that Askers always just ask—the answer doesn't always have to be yes. Askers tend to struggle with the seeming passive aggressiveness of Guessers and get frustrated by their pussyfooting until they understand that asking directly feels rude to them—Guessers just hate putting people in a position of saying "no."

Much has been made about whether Asking vs. Guessing is a family upbringing thing, a cultural thing, or a personality thing, and also about whether one is better than the other. Certainly, some cultures around the world tend to be more direct, while others tend to be less so. The same goes for families, and even certain regions of the country. In my experience as an American, I'd say the U.S. is fairly evenly split between the two tendencies.

Of course, people don't always fit neatly into two distinct categories, and th e relationship we have with people can impact all of this greatly. With people we are close to, we might be more of an Asker than with people we don't know all that well. But overall, understanding the difference between Askers and Guessers can make social situations so much easier to navigate.

For example, let'ss ay you have a coworker who constantly seems to be asking for things or throws ideas your way all the time. They're probably an Asker. They don't necessarily expect you to act on all of their ideas or say yes to what they're asking for. Or let's say you have a neighbor who starts talking about their vacation plans and mentions they're worried about their plants not getting enough water while they're gone. They might be a Guesser who wants to ask you to water for them. They just don't want to ask you directly.

The woman who rented our place was an extreme example of an Asker, and after my husband (who is a Guesser) got that, he found it so much easier to interact with her. He understood she wasn't expecting a yes with every ask, so her questions didn't feel so rude. And sure enough, when he was clear about what we could and couldn't accommodate, she was totally unfazed by the things he said no to.

Life-changing, seriously.

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51-year-old empty nester who struggled to declutter her house shares 8 tips that finally worked

"Shoes are put away immediately upon walking in the house."

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Photo credit: Canva

Mom and empty nester shares her tips for decluttering her home.

Deep cleaning and decluttering a home is a daunting task—especially for empty nesters. After spending a lifetime creating memories and living together under one roof, doing a big declutter can take an emotional toll.

It's a milestone that many empty nesters know the sting of. And in a cleaning community on Reddit, a 51-year-old mom and recent empty nester shared her experience cleaning and decluttering her home after entering this new phase of life.

"In my entire life, my house has always been messy. I mean, I didn’t have a disaster-level situation going on, but if someone dropped by unannounced, it would’ve been super embarrassing," she shared. "When my kids were younger, we had a housekeeper because I just couldn’t keep up. Now that we’re empty nesters, I realized I never really learned how to keep house."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

She explained that the book Unf*ck Your Habitat: You're Better Than Your Mess played an integral part in helping her declutter—and offered eight helpful tips to fellow empty nesters looking to organize their new lives.

1. Put stuff away, not down.

Her first tip is the key to decluttering.

"Whatever you have goes right back where it’s supposed to go when I’m done with it," she notes.

2. Do laundry every day.

And she doesn't just wash and dry her laundry when doing it.

"Just one load, start to finish. Wash, dry, fold, and put away," she shares. "Also, no chair or floor laundry. It gets put in the hamper or hung back up. No clothes are ever out."

3. I make the bed every day.

The benefits keep on giving by doing this, she notes.

"It just makes my bedroom look cleaner and I smile every time I come in my room," she writes. "Plus we aren’t fighting over the covers when we get in because the bed is straightened out."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

4. Do a quick daily clean-up of commonly used spaces.

She cleans the places that she and her husband use frequently.

"I keep a stack of cleaning rags in my master bath because it’s the only bathroom that’s used every single day. Every night, I spray the counter, wipe everything down, put everything back (that my husband leaves out), and wipe the mirror," she explains. "I also wipe down the toilet. I find that I don’t need a huge, big cleaning of this space because I’m keeping it up daily. Same goes for the kitchen."

5. Dishes are always put away, cabinet or dishwasher.

No dishes in the sink or stuck in the dishwasher.

"Dishes are finished in the dishwasher? It’s emptied and dirty ones are placed inside while waiting for the dishwasher to get full," she notes.

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6. Don't neglect your shoes.

When she takes them off, they get put away.

"Shoes are put away immediately upon walking in the house," she shares.

7. Knock out small tasks.

There is no time to waste.

"If it takes less than 5 minutes clean it while you’re waiting for something else to get done," she writes.

8. Take no days off.

Rather than assign certain days for cleaning, she is constantly doing it throughout the week.

"Lastly, I do not have scheduled cleaning days. I just do something all the time," she explains. "My life is kind of unpredictable, we love traveling or going out for the day so my so called cleaning schedule would be shot to hell every time. It’s better this way, because now I never feel behind."

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'Entitled parent' says airline moved their toddler's seat right before flight took off

This wasn't your typical 'entitled parent' story.

Delta, Delta airlines, children on planes, Reddit
via Canva Photos

A child sits alone in a plane seat.

I took a long Amtrak train trip from Atlanta to Baltimore with my nine-year-old daughter this summer. As far as I could tell, there was no way to reserve specific seats in coach on our particular train ahead of time. But we arrived as early as we could and, to our delight, were treated to a near-empty train. We sat together in a two-person row and had a really nice trip up to Baltimore.

On the way back? We boarded at Union Station and the train, having arrived from New York, was already packed. The conductor told me he would try his best to seat us together but couldn't guarantee it. You should have seen the terror in my daughter's eyes. It would be a 14-hour overnight train ride. Sitting her next to some stranger that whole time? Absolutely not. No way.

They eventually found us seats across an aisle from each other, which kind of worked, but wasn't ideal. Luckily, the guy I was supposed to sit next on the other side flew into a rage that he wouldn't have a row to himself and stormed off to sit elsewhere, freeing up the row for us.

Delta, flying, Delta airlines, kids on planes, children's seating on planes, Reddit A mother sits with her two children on a plane via Canva Photos

But for a few horrible minutes, I had become "that dad" desperately asking anyone in the area if they'd be willing to move so we could sit together.

I had become the dreaded "entitled parent" from all the viral travel stories.

Stories of "entitled parents" desperately trying to get other passengers to switch seats go viral all the time. But a recent thread on Reddit shows why we don't always get the full story.

Delta, children on flights, plane flights, flight etiquette, Reddit A parents reveals how they were separated from their toddler on a flightImage via Reddit

in a since-deleted post, user u/takeme2themtns shared a nightmare travel story in the r/Delta subreddit:

"In typical Delta fashion, they just switched up our seats and placed my toddler in a row away from us," they wrote. "Booked three seats ... in comfort plus months ago. Now, several hours before the flight we get notifications that our seats have changed. They put wife and me in exit row seats and the toddler in a window seat a row away."

With no way to fix the seating snafu digitally, the OP would have to rely on the Gate Attendant or even Flight Attendant to make a last-minute change—which would force someone else on the plane to move.

"I’m confident the GA (gate attendant) will take care of it," they wrote, "but it’s still so frustrating that we have to worry about it. I know we see posts like this all the time, but that’s because it happens all the time to people. Delta needs to fix this trashy system."

- YouTube youtu.be

Another user in the comments wrote to share a similar story:

"I had this happen to me. The check-in person said to talk to the gate.

The gate said to talk to the flight attendant.

The flight attendant told me to ask people to trade seats.

I asked people. People said no. Other passengers started berating me for not planning ahead and saying my lack of planning isn’t their responsibility.

I defended myself by saying I reserved seats months ago and Delta moved me at the last minute. Then passengers started yelling at each other about my situation.

The FA had someone move and I got to sit with my daughter."

The user noted that the situation was chaotic and traumatizing.

These stories are far from rare.

Delta, Delta airlines, children on flights, separated children, gif Season 6 Nbc GIF by This Is Us Giphy

I found another story just like this on the r/United subreddit. The user's family booked seats together only for the system to separate them right before the flight, leaving an eight-year-old to fly seated alone. The flight crew's only solution was to ask other passengers to switch, causing the OP's family to get lots of dirty looks for the duration of the flight.

Having a young child or toddler seated away from you while traveling is just a complete no-go for many, many reasons. But as a dad, leaving a kid of nearly any age to sit alone—even if they're 8 or 10 or 14—is not acceptable.

And it's not just about convenience—it's a huge safety issue. There are plenty of horrifying news stories that support why a parent would do absolutely anything to avoid it.

When we hear these stories, they're almost always framed as the parents being unprepared, lazy, and entitled. But maybe we're missing the point.

Delta, Delta airlines, children on planes, flying, switched seats, Reddit boy sitting on plane seat while viewing window Photo by Hanson Lu on Unsplash

A story from January 2024 praises a passenger who refused to switch seats with an "entitled dad" as a "hero."

People are fed up with parents asking them to switch out of airline or train seats that they paid good money for. And I don't blame them!

But we need to stop beating each other up and start holding the airlines and other travel companies accountable for putting parents and non-parents into this mess in the first place.

There needs to be a better system for families booking plane and train tickets. When you buy tickets, you have to enter in the ages of the children you're traveling with — so it stands to reason that these mix-ups flat out shouldn't happen!

Families shouldn't have to panic at the gate or on board about this! Other paying passengers shouldn't have to give up their seats!

The good news is that the Department of Transportation has recently gotten involved with a dashboard of which airlines guarantee family seating at no additional cost.

The DOT is looking to even make it illegal for airlines to charge parents and children fees to sit together. Parents and children under 13 would be required to be seated side by side or immediately adjacent, and if not, they'd get a full refund or free rebooking—it's known as the Families Fly Together Act.

Traveling in 2025 is stressful enough, from seat changes to unruly passengers to high numbers of cancelled flights.

Seating kids and parents together seems like one small problem we should be able to solve.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Rare clip of the Bee Gees singing 'How Deep Is Your Love' a cappella somehow tops the original

Three brothers, no instruments, and pure magic.

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via Edu Seijas/YouTube

The Bee Gees singing "How Deep is Your Love" in 1998.

Not all live performances are created equal, but when the circumstances and the talent are just right, they can far surpass studio recordings. In 1998, the Bee Gees, brothers Barry, Robin and Maurice Gibb, stopped by ITV’s “Des O'Connor Tonight” with acoustic guitars in hand to promote their recent release, “One Night Only,” an album and live concert DVD featuring many of the band’s biggest hits.

The highlight of the performance was when Barry got ready to strum his guitar for a performance of “How Deep Is Your Love,” the 1977 megahit from the “Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack,” but instead chose to sing the song a cappella.

Barry starts the song solo in his beautiful falsetto, but then, when his brothers join him, they create a wonderful harmony that only brothers can make. The show’s host, Des O’Connor, a notable singer himself, even joins in for a few bars.

- YouTube youtu.be

Earlier in the performance, the brothers played their version of “Islands in the Stream,” a song made famous by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers in 1983 that was written by the Bee Gees. In 1998, the song was enjoying a resurgence as its melody was used in the song “Ghetto Supastar” by Pras of The Fugees.

Robin Gibb later admitted that the song was initially written for Marvin Gaye to sing, but he was tragically murdered in 1984 by his father. The band also had Diana Ross in mind while composing the tune.

During the appearance, the band also sang “Guilty,” a song that the Bee Gees wrote for Barbara Streisand and Barry produced in 1980.

You can watch the entire performance here:

- YouTube youtu.be

The Gibb brothers started making music together when they were children, and after their first public appearance together at a local movie theater in 1956, they were hooked on performing.

“It was the feeling of standing in front of an audience that was so amazing," said Barry. "We’d never seen anything like it. We were very young, but it made an enormous impression. We didn’t want to do anything else but make music.”

After the family moved to Australia in 1958, Barry, Maurice, and Robin were "discovered" at the Redcliffe Speedway, where they had asked to perform between races. Even over the tinny PA system, their harmonies made an impression. Speedway manager Bill Goode introduced the trio to DJ Bill Gates, who set them up with a recording session.

the bee gees, gibb brothers, maurice, barry, robin gibb Stayin Alive GIF by Bee Gees Giphy

If you've ever wondered how the Bee Gees got their name, that was it: Bill Goode, Bill Gates, Barry Gibb, and the brothers' mother Barbara Gibb all had the initials B.G. After a strong reception on the airwaves in Brisbane, Gates forwarded the brothers' recordings to a Sydney radio station. They got a lot of airtime there as well, and the band had a run of success performing in Australia, but it wasn't until their return to England in 1967 that they became the international sensation we all know today.

Manager Robert Stigwood had received tapes from the Gibbs brothers and called them up within weeks of their arrival in the U.K.

“I loved their composing,” Stigwood told Rolling Stone in 1977. “I also loved their harmony singing. It was unique, the sound they made; I suppose it was a sound only brothers could make.”

- YouTube www.youtube.com

And, as they say, the rest is history. The award-winning 2020 HBO documentary, "The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" tells the story of the band with loads of footage from throughout their 40-year career, which includes not only their disco-era fame, but the various phases of their musical journey and the countless songs they wrote for other artists.

As one commenter wrote, "People that call the Bee Gees a 'disco group' don't have a clue. They had 10 albums out before they ventured into 'disco.' Their song catalogue is amazing and some of their very best songs were written long before Saturday Night Fever. Those 'disco' songs are classics as well. It is nice to see they are finally getting the recognition they deserve."

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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Artists got fed up with 'anti-homeless spikes' and revamped them in the coolest way

"Our moral compass is skewed if we think things like this are acceptable."

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"Anti-homeless spikes" are about as friendly as they sound.

As you may have guessed, they're intended to deter people who are homeless from sitting or sleeping on that concrete step. And yeah, they're pretty awful.

The spikes (seen below) are a prime example of how cities design spaces to keep homeless people away.

Not all concrete steps have spikes on them, but outdoor seating in cities like Montreal and Tokyo have been sneakily designed to prevent people from resting too comfortably for too long.

Of course, these designs do nothing to fight the cause or problem of homelessness. They're just a way of saying to homeless people, "Go somewhere else. We don't want to look at you."

In 2015, one particular set of spikes was outside a former night club in London. And a local group got sick of staring at them. An art collective named "Space, Not Spikes" was born, and this style of urban planning first became called "hostile architecture."

"Spikes do nothing more than shoo the realities of poverty and inequality away from your backyard — so you don't have to see it or confront what you can do to make things more equal," Leah Borromeo, member of Space, Not Spikes, told Upworthy. "And that is really selfish."

"Our moral compass is skewed if we think things like this are acceptable."

anti-homeless, homeless, hostiel architecture, urban planning, housing crisis, mental health A bed covers up spikes on the concrete.assets.rebelmouse.io

The move by Space, Not Spikes caused quite a stir in London and around the world (especially in the US, which definitely has its fair share of anti-homeless sentiment, too.

The simple but impactful idea even garnered support from music artist Ellie Goulding.

"That was amazing, wasn't it?" Borromeo said of Goulding's shout-out on Instagram.

anti-homeless, homeless, hostiel architecture, urban planning, housing crisis, mental health Artist's books and home comforts.assets.rebelmouse.io

"[The project has] definitely touched a nerve and I think it is because, as a whole, humans will still look out for each other," Borromeo told Upworthy. "Capitalism and greed conditions us to look out for ourselves and negate the welfare of others, but ultimately, I think we're actually really kind."

"We need to call out injustice and hypocrisy when we see it."

anti-homeless, homeless, hostiel architecture, urban planning, housing crisis, mental health A message to offer support in contrast with current anti-homeless laws.assets.rebelmouse.io

Spikes are pretty obvious — they're a visual reminder of a problem many cities are trying to ignore. But what we can't see on the street is the rise of anti-homeless laws that have cropped up from sea to shining sea.

Legislation that targets homeless people — like bans on panhandling and prohibiting people from sleeping in cars — has increased significantly in recent years.

For instance, a 2021 report by the National Homelessness Law Center found a sharp increase in various city-wide bans between 2006 and 2019 among 187 U.S. cities:

  • Camping bans increased by 92%.
  • Bans on sitting or lying down in public increased by 78%.
  • Loitering bans increased by 103%.
  • Panhandling bans increased by 103%.
  • Bans on living in vehicles increased by 213%.

Thankfully, groups like "Space, Not Spikes" are out there changing hearts and minds. But, obivaly it's a joint effort from all of us.

"[The world] won't always be happy-clappy because positive social change needs constructive conflict and debate," she explained. "But we need to call out injustice and hypocrisy when we see it."

Check out their video below:

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Husband asks the world for help after fallout from secretive wife's choice of 'horrible' baby name

Choosing your child's name can get pretty complicated.

baby name, Reddit, AITA, Mune, parenting, marriage, relationship, conflict, baby shower, mother-in-law
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A young father cradles his newborn

There’s a fine line between a unique name and one that sets kids up for a lifetime of ridicule.

On the one hand, maybe it shouldn’t matter what other people think, and parents should pick a name that suits their preferences, consequences be damned. On the other hand, their kid might not appreciate that kind of bravery after enduring years of bullying during childhood, followed constant confusion at Starbucks and truly unenviable work emails once they’re adults.

And this chapter of parenting can be a little stressful—even more stressful if neither partner can agree on a name they both like.

baby name, Reddit, AITA, Mune, parenting, marriage, relationship, conflict, baby shower, mother-in-law A stressed-out couple looks at a piece of paperCanva

This was the case for a husband who absolutely hated a name his wife so eagerly wished to give their unborn son. But rather than follow the popular “one no, two yeses” rule of baby-naming, where both parents must agree on the name chosen for a child, the wife instead went full steam ahead with her idea.

According to the husband’s account on Reddit, here’s what happened:

“Me (25m) and my wife (23f) are having our first child together. She is currently 9 months pregnant and could give birth anytime in the next couple of weeks. The only major fight we have had throughout her pregnancy happened a couple days ago, and it was about what we were going to name our kid.”

“It all started when we found out the gender of the baby,” he continued. “After we found out we were having a boy we sat down together and made a list. Almost all of the names she suggested were normal, until the one that caused me to write this post. She suggested we name our son Mune.”

Mune. Like…dune an “m?” Or like “mun?” “Moon?” “Money?” “Mew-nay?” So many questions.

“She told me the name was from this movie she watched when she was younger and that it always stuck with her,” the husband explained, saying that when he told her it felt a “little out there” and was worried their son might get made fun of.

After a little back and forth, the couple agreed to take the name Mune off the list. Or so the dad-to-be thought.

“Later on in her pregnancy her mom decided to throw a baby shower as it was her first grandchild. It was fine for the most part until we started to open the gifts. Most of them were normal baby things like diapers and bottles, until we got to her mom’s gift. My wife opened the gift bag and pulled out a blue handmade blanket. It seemed normal enough at first until my wife unfolded it and low and behold there was the name Mune written on the blanket,” he wrote.

The man had tried to keep cool until after the party was over. However, when he confronted his wife about it, all hell seemed to break loose.

“She got defensive and told me that it was a good name and that I was overreacting about it,” he concluded. “I brought up the earlier points and told her it was a stupid name for a kid and if she wanted to name something Mune so bad she could use the name for a dog. She got upset and called her mom to come get her. After she left she called me and told me she wouldn’t be coming back for a while. Everyone I’ve talked to about this has said I’m not the asshole, but now that my wife has been gone and I've been thinking about it I feel like I could have handled the situation better.”

Yikes.


baby name, Reddit, AITA, Mune, parenting, marriage, relationship, conflict, baby shower, mother-in-law A husband arguing with his pregnant wife over the baby's nameCanva

While the husband might have regretted his actions, public opinion overwhelmingly sided with him.

One mom wrote, “Naming a baby is a 2 yes or 1 no situation. You do not name a child something your partner does not agree with. You find a compromise. This is the start of many necessary compromises in life and it is a total AH move to unilaterally decide on a child's name despite your partner's misgivings…She is absolutely not mature enough for motherhood if she can not find a reasonable compromise on this.”

Another added “this is a child, not a goldfish. There are consequences and repercussions to choosing a name that is very unusual to begin with.... To go behind the other parent's back and tell a grandparent what the name is going to be, that is unacceptable.”

Others noted how the wife and her mom “pulled a power play,” which “in itself is an a**hole move.” In addition, many pointed out that running away from the conflict (leaving to go to mom’s house) might have not been the best way to handle the situation.

baby name, Reddit, AITA, Mune, parenting, marriage, relationship, conflict, baby shower, mother-in-lawGif of Colin Ferrel saying "The kids call it ghosting" via Giphy


“Leaving so she doesn’t have to face the argument is actually a form of abuse if it happens a lot,” one person commented. “She may just have baby brain and be overreacting due to hormones, but that is red flag behavior of it can’t be dismissed for reasons beyond her control.

And if there’s any doubt as to just how damaging "weird" names can be, take it from this person:

“My name has prevented me from doing anything that would have my name called out in a crowd of people. Never tried sports. Military was a no go. I don't even want to apply for higher positions at work because I don't want to have meetings in closed rooms where people might call my name.

“…Being forced to grow up with a weird name discouraged me from a lot of things and I began resenting my parents for thinking they were being creative. I had to live with it through grade school and high school. The ridicule didn't end until the damage was already done.”

Raising a kid together is full of making compromises, prioritizing healthy communication, and honoring commitments, none of which are easy 100 percent of the time. But if couples can’t learn how to navigate these issues, then disagreeing on names is the least of their problems. We can all agree that parenting as true partners means men often need to step up their games. But it takes two for parenting to truly flourish and that includes respect your partner and making choices that are good for the entire family. Together.

This article originally appeared two years ago.

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