Things I'll Teach My First Kid Or, 14 Reasons Why I Suck | by Evan Porter
When I found out, I was holding a six-pack of beer.
“I'm pregnant," she said. Words I knew would be coming one day soon, but not this soon. I always pictured hearing them on a sunny front porch, wind gently rocking a wooden swing back and forth. Or something like that. And there'd be music. Something upbeat and hopeful like what plays before the final credits of a Zach Braff movie.
I never thought I'd hear those words standing in the doorway of our dark, half-packed apartment, weary from a long day. My wife, Sarah, eyes puffy and mascara-soaked from her own shitty day, and then again from crying tears of joy, holding not one, but two pregnancy tests as proof.
My first thought was that we were about to miss our fantasy football draft.
My second thought was to open a beer.
My third thought was, “I can't believe those were my first two thoughts."
It takes a moment like that to realize how woefully unprepared you are to be responsible for another human being. How terrifying it all is. And I'm not talking about waking up in the middle of the night to sooth a crying baby. I'm not talking about changing a dirty diaper or saying goodbye to your “raucous" social life (Sarah and I watch, on average, ten thousand hours of TV every night; so, that shipped sailed a while ago).
I'm talking about when your child learns to talk and what you say to him or her actually matters. When you have to start really thinking about how you want to raise them. What you'll tell them when they get picked on at school. What you'll say when they take a philosophical stand against the concept of homework.
It makes you question your values. Or wonder if you even have values to question.
And this line of thinking has led me to believe that I am already a terrible father. Because when I think about the things I want to instill in our first child, I realize that I embody exactly none of them.
But here they are, anyway:
1. I'll say, listen, kid, not everyone has to like you. Speak your mind when you know you're right. Tell friends the truth even when they don't want to hear it. Don't just nod and “see both sides" and give pity laughs to people who make bad jokes.
2. I'll say, work hard in school. Not so you can make money and not for the bragging rights, but because if you don't, one day you'll look back and wish you'd made yourself proud.
3. I'll say, clean your room. I'll say, you see this 6-inch pile of dirty clothes next to my bed? It makes me feel horrible every time I look at it. You'd be surprised how accomplished seeing your bedroom floor can make you feel.
4. I'll say, always finish what you started. There's a reason I can only teach you to be “pretty good", and not great, at guitar, or photography, or card tricks, or any number of things I picked up and abandoned. If you have a talent for something, don't ever waste it.
5. I'll say, don't wait so long to get comfortable in your own skin. Phases are great and all when you're a teenager, but there's a fine line between exploring things and getting caught up in fads. Don't ever feel like you need to fit into a mold or a category to be accepted.
6. I'll say, take care of your body, because you only get one. Floss every day. And don't drink so much soda and Red Bull. You can't ever undo the cavities they'll give you.
7. I'll say, force yourself to experience new things. I know that people who studied abroad in college are obnoxious, but I don't care; you should do it. Because when they're yammering on about their summer in Madrid, you'll roll your eyes but you'll really just be jealous that you spent your summer watching TV.
8. I'll say, don't get so uncomfortable around homeless people. They're not going to rob you. Be better than that. Treat them with respect. Buy them a sandwich if you can. And give to charity as often as possible. You'll always have a few bucks to spare.
9. I'll say, pay attention to the news. And politics. Don't spend all your time on social media and TV and movies and sports. Devote your attention to things that actually matter. Be informed and well read. Don't ever be forced to stealthily object from conversations about current events.
10. I'll say, be ruthless. Don't go with the flow. Find something you want and put in the work to become exceptional. So many people dream big, but they're afraid to sit down and do the work. Don't be one of them.
11. I'll say, don't text and drive. Seriously. There's nothing that can't wait. I mean it.
12. I'll say, put your family first, above everything. When they need you, be there. Don't ask questions. Don't let being tired from work become an excuse. They're all you have.
13. I'll say, don't ever wish you were anything or anyone else. Embrace your flaws, because everyone has them.
14. And I'll say, if you fall short of anything, even everything on this list, that's all right.
I'll still love you.
I'll always love you.People keep asking me if I'm scared. And I guess — even in light of everything I said above — the answer is no.
I know that there'll be times when I have no idea what to do with this kid. When I reach into my bag of morals and values and come up empty. And for times like that, I'll look to my wife. I'll remember how, standing in our dark, half-packed apartment, on one of the most important nights of our life, she put the pregnancy tests down on the table, smiled, and said:
“Of course we're still doing the fantasy draft."
A small reminder of why we fell in love in the first place. That what we've created together didn't happen in spite of our flaws.
It happened because of them.
And knowing that, there's really nothing to be scared of.
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.