Kids don't listen? Expert says stop constantly saying 'no' and try this approach instead.
"Your kids will never know what you want them to do if you only ever tell them what not to do."
A young boy with his hands over his ears.
There isn’t a parent alive who doesn’t get tired of constantly correcting their child’s behavior by saying, “Don’t do this” or “Stop doing that.” What makes things even worse is that it can feel like no matter how many times we tell our kids to “stop standing on the couch” or “don’t slam the door,” they never seem to listen.
Jenna Mazzillo says that kids may not be responding to our “stop no don’ts” because they aren’t sure what they should be doing instead. Mazzillo shared her thoughts in a recent Instagram reel that was a big help to many frustrated parents. Mazzillo is a board-certified behavior analyst and special education teacher with 13 years of experience who goes by @abanaturally on Instagram,
How do I get my kids to listen?
“Here's the thing about when we use those ‘don't’ and ‘no’ statements. We're never telling our children what they should be doing. What should they be doing instead?” she said. “Additionally, we're just drawing attention to the very thing that we don't want our children to be doing.”
Mazillo’s advice makes a lot of sense. Learning the correct thing to do is impossible when we are only told what we shouldn’t be doing.
“So what should we do instead?” Mazzillo continued. “Tell our children exactly what we want them to be doing. Instead of saying, ‘Don't put your feet on the chair,’ we would want to say, ‘Put your feet down.’ Instead of saying, ‘Don't talk to me like that,’ tell your child exactly what you want them to say.”
Mazzillo shared some examples of how to implement her positive approach on Instagram.
- Instead of saying, “Be careful!” try, “Hold onto the railing as you go down the stairs.” This gives them a specific action that promotes safety.
- Instead of “Don’t touch that!” try, “Let’s keep our hands to ourselves when we’re in the store.”
- Rather than “Hurry up!” try, “Put your shoes on so we’re ready to go.” Instead of saying, “Be careful!” try, “Hold onto the railing as you go down the stairs.” This gives them a specific action that promotes safety.
What is positive parenting?
Mazillo’s approach is part of a positive parenting philosophy that guides children with empathy, love and respect. The approach emphasizes building strong relationships, clear communication and teaching through encouragement rather than punishment.
Parenting author and public speaker Kara Carerro agrees with Mazzillo’s approach. “We must affirm what our children need to do. Rather than discipline and teach them by telling them what not to do, it’s a lot easier to tell them exactly what we want them to do. In telling a child not to hit, maybe he thinks, ‘Well, can I kick?’” she writes at Extremely Good Parenting. “In the end, my parenting has become much more intentional, using negative language and ‘no’ less and coming up with a more positive approach. It makes the power of ‘no’ retain its meaning and has created clear boundaries for my children.”
Ultimately, Mazillo’s positive parenting approach effectively communicates to your child what they should be doing instead of what they shouldn’t. So, it’s unsurprising that it helps them develop good listening skills, too. “If we want to be crystal clear so that our children understand what we want them to do, then make sure when you're telling them what to do, you use it in a positive phrase and avoid using those no and don't statements,” Mazzillo concludes her video.
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There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
A woman in black long sleeve shirt stands in front of mirror.
Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."
This article originally appeared in May.