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Woman says she has the 'key' to being a good mother-in-law, and it's actually spot-on

A simple thing that could help everyone.

@millennialmatleave/TikTok

"Fill you own cup" is good advice fro nearly every situation, isn't it?

Listen, not every mother-in-law disregards boundaries, questions their kid’s parenting styles, tries to manipulate, and so on and so forth. But there’s a reason why the stereotype exists. Plenty have their own horror stories of being on the receiving end of toxic MIL behavior.

But for those wanting to avoid being that stereotype, Janelle Marie, or @millennialmatleave on TikTok believes that she has found the “key.” And it’s all about “filling your own cup.”

“Fill your dang cup. Something outside of your children that makes you feel good, makes you feel fulfilled, makes you feel happy,” Janelle begins in a TikTok.

That means that besides devoting your identity towards nurturing kids, you should be “nurturing” your marriage, as well as other relationships, like friendships, she notes.

“I unfortunately feel like a number of mothers-in-law that are feeling really confused about this role of mother-in-law or dissatisfied with the role of mother-law, and it ends up meaning that they act in a way that comes across as desperate or controlling or with guilt trips — women who don’t have enough going on outside of their relationship and their role as a mom. And so when their kids grow up, they’re ill-equipped to replace that relationship with other things.”

Janelle concludes by acknowledging it’s “easier said than done,” and reiterates that she isn’t trying to place blame, but rather just point out that “it’s something we need to be aware of.”


@millennialmatleave Lets get some hobbies girls…..you know, when you can find a single free moment #hobbies #motherinlaw #toxicmotherinlaw #relationshipadvice #parentingtips #lifehack #grandparents #inlaws #parenting #boymom ♬ original sound - Janelle Marie


Down in the comments, folks seem to clearly resonate with Janell’s stance—many have MILs of their own who could really benefit from a hobby or friend circle.

“My MIL’s hobby was getting into my marriage,” quipped one viewer.

“My toxic mother in law has had zero friends in the 18 years I’ve known her,” said another.

A few MILs even chimed in. One shared, “I noticed I got too involved/emotional/bothered by my son’s relationship and immediately looked in the mirror! Poured that energy into my marriage, friends, and hobbies.”

“OMG, you’re right,” reflected another. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good MIL, I don’t meddle or overstep, but boy do I struggle. I definitely need to get a hobby!”

As we know, it can be hard for any mom to not lose themselves in the demands of raising a child. And only up until recently were women allowed by society to see themselves as anything beyond being a mother. Self care is also a fairly new concept for everyone. So it is understandable that many MILs find themselves in this struggle without proper coping mechanisms.

But still, if the goal really is to maintain loving, healthy family relationships, it’s crucial to be mindful of any self sabotaging behaviors, and continuity working through those insecurities. That goes for MILs and non-MILs alike.

For those booking to be the best mother-in-law they can be, here are a few pieces of advice:

Don't make it about you

It can be difficult to accept that you might not be the #1 woman in your kid’s life anymore, but it’s important both for you and the couple that those potential feelings of rejection get reframed. After all, there's truly no love lost.

Use your words to uplift, not criticize

Words are powerful. Use them wisely. A little complement now and then goes a long way.

Back off

Let the couple raise their kids, and solve their problems, as they see fit. Trust that you can let them handle their own. Even when intentions are good, offers of help without being asked for it can be seen as criticism.

Invite and Include

Leaving people out leads to resentment. Always invite kids and their spouses to join performances, graduations, birthday celebrations, and other family events, whether or not you think they want to or can attend.

And, of course…fill your own cup.

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Family

Father takes daughter's bullying victim on a shopping trip to teach her a lesson

When Randy Smalls of South Carolina discovered that his teenage daughter was making fun of a classmate over her clothes and makeup, he took swift action.

via Youtube/Strahan, Sara and Keke

Randy Smalls of South Carolina

Bullying is a huge problem. According to DoSomething.org, 1 in 5 students ages 12-18 in the United States are bullied during the school year, and approximately 160,000 teens have skipped school because of bullying.

So when Randy Smalls of South Carolina discovered that his teenage daughter was making fun of a classmate over her clothes and makeup, he took swift action.

Smalls instantly felt sympathy for Ryan Reese, a seventh-grader at Berkeley Middle School, having been bullied in his youth. So he took money meant for his daughter and went on a shopping spree with Ryan to get some new clothes and a makeover.

Smalls' wife and Ryan's mother Richauna Reese are friends, but they weren't aware of the bullying until recently. The families got on the phone after speaking to Ryan, and Smalls asked if he could take Ryan to buy new clothes and get a makeover at the beauty salon.

Smalls used money initially intended to buy his 13-year-old daughter some new clothes, but after learning about her bullying, he decided to spend the money on Ryan instead.

"I say, 'When you laugh along, you're co-signing the bullying," Smalls told Yahoo News.

"My daughter was upset, especially because she is into fashion," he said. "So she came with us and helped pick out Ryan's new clothes."

While his daughter was at church, Smalls took Ryan to the beauty salon and paid for twice-a-month appointments until the end of the year.

After hearing about the good gesture, local salons have also offered to keep Ryan looking stylish for the next few months.

Richauna, Ryan's mother, told Yahoo News that her daughter was struggling after the recent deaths of her father, grandfather, and aunt, as well as non-epileptic seizures caused by the stress.

The shopping trip has helped Ryan immensely. "I wasn't expecting it. I just started to cry. It (the bullying) was really sad for me because I had lost my grandpa, father, and aunt, and it really took me deep down in my depression," Ryan explained.

"This is the first time I have seen a parent take such a stance on bullying," Richauna added.

Smalls was overwhelmed by the response and says that it's helped his daughter see her mistake.

"I didn't expect for this to get big but I'm glad if other parents [can learn from it]," Smalls said. "My daughter learned her lesson."

"As parents, we have to take responsibility for what our children do," Smalls told ABC's Strahan, Sara, and Keke. "We can teach our children, but when they go and are around other children they can veer off a little bit. When situations like this happen, we have to take action and be the parent and not the friend."

And the pair seem to be getting along better for the experience. "They're cool now," Richauna said.

Watch to young girls break down the story in this adorable YouTube video:

This article originally appeared on 12.4.19

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Harvard psychologists have been studying what it takes to raise 'good' kids. Here are 6 tips.

Help unlock your child's best self with a few tried-and-true strategies.

Kids playing baseball with a slide into second.

A lot of parents are tired of being told how technology is screwing up their kids.

Moms and dads of the digital age are well aware of the growing competition for their children's attention, and they're bombarded at each turn of the page or click of the mouse with both cutting-edge ideas and newfound worries for raising great kids.

But beneath the madness of modernity, the basics of raising a moral child haven't really changed.

Parents want their kids to achieve their goals and find happiness, but Harvard researchers believe that doesn't have to come at the expense of kindness and empathy. They say a few tried-and-true strategies remain the best ways to mold your kids into the morally upstanding and goals-oriented humans you want them to be.

kids, toddlers, pacifiers, parenting

Entertaining the toddlers.

Cartoon by Sara Zimmerman/Unearthed Comics.

Here are six practical tips:

1) Hang out with your kids.

parenting advice, healthy habits, teachable moments

Cleaning the hands.

Image by Cade Martin/Public Domain Images.

This is, like, the foundation of it all. Spend regular time with your kids, ask them open-ended questions about themselves, about the world and how they see it, and actively listen to their responses. Not only will you learn all sorts of things that make your child unique, you'll also be demonstrating to them how to show care and concern for another person.

2) If it matters, say it out loud.

teamwork, educational games, Harvard

Teamwork in process.

Image by Steven Bennett/Wikimedia Commons.

According to the researchers, "Even though most parents and caretakers say that their children being caring is a top priority, often children aren't hearing that message." So be sure to say it with them. And so they know it's something they need to keep up with, check in with teachers, coaches, and others who work with your kids on how they're doing with teamwork, collaboration, and being a generally nice person.

3) Show your child how to "work it out."

sports and exercise, team exercise, building confidence

Playing soccer.

Image by susieq3c/Flickr.

Walk them through decision-making processes that take into consideration people who could be affected. For example, if your child wants to quit a sport or other activity, encourage them to identify the source of the problem and consider their commitment to the team. Then help them figure out if quitting does, in fact, fix the problem.

4) Make helpfulness and gratitude routine.

problem solving, gratitude, healthy

Ingenuity for cleaning up.

Image by David D/Flickr.

The researchers write, "Studies show that people who engage in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving — and they're also more likely to be happy and healthy." So it's good for parents to hold the line on chores, asking kids to help their siblings, and giving thanks throughout the day. And when it comes to rewarding "good" behavior, the researchers recommend that parents "only praise uncommon acts of kindness."

5) Check your child's destructive emotions.

negative feelings, emotional intelligence, honesty, understanding

An automatic save.

Image by Thomas Ricker/Flickr.

"The ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings," say the researchers. Helping kids name and process those emotions, then guiding them toward safe conflict resolution, will go a long way toward keeping them focused on being a caring individual. It's also important to set clear and reasonable boundaries that they'll understand are out of love and concern for their safety.

6) Show your kids the bigger picture.

empathy, families, researchers

A reflective moment by the ocean.

Image by debowcyfoto/Pixabay.

"Almost all children empathize with and care about a small circle of families and friends," say the researchers. The trick is getting them to care about people who are socially, culturally, and even geographically outside their circles. You can do this by coaching them to be good listeners, by encouraging them to put themselves in other people's shoes, and by practicing empathy using teachable moments in news and entertainment.

The study concludes with a short pep talk for all the parents out there:

"Raising a caring, respectful, ethical child is and always has been hard work. But it's something all of us can do. And no work is more important or ultimately more rewarding."


This article originally appeared on 06.16.15

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Girl dad has unexpected take on what being a 'provider' means and every guy should see it

Providing is about more than money.

via the_DedicatedAFdad/Instagram (used with permission)

Brian Moser explains that it really means to be a provider.

Traditionally, the primary role of a husband and father in a family has been the provider and protector. That meant ensuring the family had enough resources to survive, thrive, and be safe from any physical threat.

Over time, this notion of family has evolved and men aren’t the only family members charged with providing and protecting.

Brian Moser, a father and husband who goes by TheDedicatedAFDad, argues that the meaning of the word provider has changed over time, and dads with an antiquated view of the role should listen up.

Moser believes that providing means more than just bringing home a paycheck.

“I can tell you that as a father and husband, my job when it comes to providing is to provide a safe, loving, healthy and nurturing environment for my wife and daughter,” Moser says in the video. “If I'm not providing the environment to where my wife or daughter can come to me with anything and everything, they might have to tell me I haven't done a good job as a man.”

According to Moser, being a provider also means fostering an environment where his family can be honest with him “even if it's criticism of what I have done or who I am or how I'm acting,” he adds.

The father and husband also says providing means setting an example of how women should expect to be treated. “I'm the first example of what a man is supposed to be, so if I'm not providing an incredible example for my daughter, she's not going to know what a good man is,” he says.

The video was a big hit, with many finding Moser brave for expanding on traditional ideas of masculinity and for taking responsibility for things that happen inside the home.

“The way this man speaks actually makes me emotional because it’s exactly what we’re all looking for, but yet it’s so rare to find,” Kelmac17 wrote. “I wish all men could hear your videos! Most women now make enough money; we don’t want you for what you can bring financially! We want an actual partner. Someone who will care for us as much as we take care of you.”

Upworthy spoke with Moser about how he understood what it truly means to be a provider.

"I always had a shining example growing up from my parents," he told Upworthy. "My mother and father always showed me what it means to love one another and support each other." But things changed with the birth of his daughter and he took on the role of provider. "I looked at that girl and realized I was going to do anything and everything in my power to love her, listen to her, guide her, and nurture her. I knew that every moment of my life would be geared towards providing for her in every way, shape, or form."

However, being a provider isn't always easy.

"The hardest part about being a provider is knowing that you will fail and that you have flaws," he told Upworthy. "Knowing that you will have to sit before your wife and daughter and hear that you have messed up. You have possibly hurt their feelings or not been there for them."

Moser makes many excellent points in his video. However, the overarching theme that ties them all together is that a man can make all the money in the world, but if he comes home and creates an environment of hostility and chaos, it doesn’t matter what’s in the bank account.

In Moser’s view, to be a provider is to be a well-rounded person who knows how to give financially and emotionally.

“Gentlemen, let me just say this is all you were providing for your family is the finances you might as well be a bank,” Moser concludes the video. “But if you are a true provider, a true man who provides for his family, you are giving them a safe, happy, loving home in which they know no matter what it is that you always come to you for anything.”

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