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Teacher's rule about 'something you can't change in 30 seconds' is a lesson for all ages

"Your words have power and your words matter."

Natalie Ringold/Instagram

Ms. Natalie Ringold's lesson in kindness has gone viral.

No matter our age, we all want kindness and respect from our peers. No one enjoys being judged or criticized, and negative comments about our appearance sting even if we don't want them to.

Unfortunately, that doesn't always stop people from pointing out things they think we should change about ourselves. Issues like hair shaming and body shaming are all too common, despite greater awareness of the hurt they cause.

Elementary school teacher Natalie Ringold shared a lesson about this phenomenon, and though it's geared toward kids, it's one a lot of grown-ups could take to heart as well.

Holding a tube of toothpaste, Ms. Ringold explained when it's appropriate to say something about someone's appearance and when it's not.

"If somebody can't change something about themselves in 30 seconds or less," she said, "then you shouldn't be mentioning it to them."

She gave examples of things that do take 30 seconds or less, such as if someone's shoe is untied or they have something stuck to their shirt or their fly is unzipped. For those things, it's okay to tell the person (politely, and in private if it's something that might embarrass them to point out in front of other people) so they can fix it.

But if it's something that would take more than 30 seconds to change or isn't even possible to change, like their hairsytle or hair color or body shape, then that's not something you should comment on.

"Your words have power," Ms. Ringold said. Squeezing toothpaste out of the tube, she explained that when you say something about someone that they can't change in 30 seconds or less, it can be hurtful, and just like toothpaste once it's out of the tube, you can't fully take it back once it's out there.

"You try to apologize, you try to take the words back…and you try to undo what you said, undo what you did. But it's something they couldn't change about themselves, and so it get very messy. You can't totally take those words back. You can't totally fix it."

"Your words have power and your words matter," she said. "If you walk out of this room spreading kindness to the people around you, spreading love to the people around you, that is what truly makes a difference."

Ms. Ringold shared that she does this lesson with her students on the last day of school because she wants them to remember this concept for the rest of their lives. People in the comments were so appreciative of the message for all ages.

"I think many adults need to hear this message!"

"Exactly my thoughts. A lot of adults need to hear this too."

"BLESS YOU!!! As a person who was relentlessly racially harassed as a child, I wish this was taught."

"If they are old enough to be mean on purpose they are old enough to be kind on purpose."

"This should be required viewing for anyone who wants to join social media."

"This made me cry. Can I start my college courses with this?"

"I saw you post this and had this conversation with my 4th graders!! It helped so much!!"

Here's to teachers teaching lessons beyond academics, helping kids learn that their humanity matters just as much as their grades.


This article originally appeared on 6.19.24

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Matthew McConaughey reveals the secret reason why his mom called his wife the wrong name

She'd even call her the names of his former girlfriends.

via Getty Images/Flickr (Image was cropped)

Actor Matthew McConaughey and his wife Camila Alves arrive at Film Independent's Los Angeles Film Festival.

There are some people whose respect you have to earn by standing up to them and showing your assertiveness. One is actor Matthew McConaughey’s mother, Mary Kathlene McCabe, nicknamed “Ma Mac” by the family.

McConaughey and his wife, Camila Alves, 41, recently admitted that McCabe went to great lengths to get on her nerves until Alves stood up to her and showed a little backbone. One of the tactics McCabe used was to call Alves by the wrong name, even “accidentally” using the names of her son’s exes to get a reaction.

The couple began dating in 2006, got married in 2012 and have three children together: Levi, 15, Vida, 13 and Livingston, 10.

“She did all these things when I first came in the picture, right? And she was really testing me. I mean, really testing me,” Alves shared on an episode of Southern Living’s “Biscuits & Jam” podcast. “She would call me by all of Matthew’s ex-girlfriends’ names, she would start speaking Spanish with me in a very broken way, kind of putting down a bit. I mean, all kinds of stuff.”

Eventually, things came to a head when the family went on vacation to Istanbul, and Alves had to stand up to the family matriarch.

“I’m putting her to bed, and I realized, ‘Oh my god, she’s full of s***t,” Alves quipped. “All she wanted was for me to fight back and then from that day on, that night on, we have the most amazing relationship, and I have so much respect for her. She has so much respect for me. I mean, it can get tricky sometimes, you know? But we always end with a good laugh and a joke.”

“Camila goes, ‘I’m not asking your permission anymore.’ And basically, my mom was like, ‘There we go. That’s right,’” McConaughey told ET Canada.

McConaughey admits that his mother's hazing of his wife is all part of their family tradition.

“We test you. And even in our own family with my brothers and mother is one of us. Me and my brothers get on our high horse about something,” he continued. “Oh, my family, we humbly wait, we make you cry, and then we pick you up and make your favorite drink, ‘You’re welcome back.’ So there are initiations, rites of passage that my family’s always enjoyed.”

It may be a little unfair that “Ma Mac” felt the need to test her new daughter-in-law, but it’s not wrong for people to demand that others be assertive. According to the Mayo Clinic, assertive people show greater respect for themselves and others because it’s based on mutual respect.

“Being assertive shows that you respect yourself because you're willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings,” the Mayo Clinic wrote on its website. “It also demonstrates that you're aware of others' rights and willing to work on resolving conflicts.”

The whole ruse could have been that the “Ma Mac'' wanted to ensure her husband was marrying someone who stood up for herself and knew how to work well with the rest of the family. By all accounts, Alves has more than passed the test.

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I'm teaching my 6- and 7-year-old boys about consent. Here's how it's gone so far.

Photo by saeed karimi on Unsplash

The scenarios of parenting have many hurdles in order to offer a healthy way of approaching life.

The second week of first grade, my 6-year-old son came home and told me, very seriously, "Mama, I have a girlfriend, and I love her."

I didn't laugh at him or tell him he is too young to have a girlfriend, and I didn't minimize his feelings. We had a very serious conversation about his girlfriend: what he likes about her, what they talk about at lunch, and what games they play on the playground at recess. I asked questions about her; some he knew the answers to, and some he didn't.

Nearly every day after that for some time, we talked about his girlfriend, and in every conversation, in some way, we talked about consent — what it means, what it looks like, and how I expect him to act.

I didn't objectify the little girl by referring to her as "your little girlfriend" as I've heard other adults tease their own children. I didn't make jokes about him being a heartbreaker or tell him that the girls will be falling all over him by high school. I didn't tell him his feelings don't matter — and I definitely didn't tell him her feelings don't matter. I think the seeds of misogyny are planted with words as much as behavior, and I treated his emotions seriously because, for him, being in love for the first time is the most serious thing in the world. He will remember this little girl just as I remember my first boyfriend, and how I handle things now is setting the tone for the future.

I wasn't expecting to have these conversations in the context of a relationship quite so soon.

His older brother is more introverted, with the exception of the occasional fleeting crush. But I have been talking about consent and modeling it since my sons were babies.

The idea that young men need to learn about consent in high school or college goes hand-in-hand with the idea that sex education shouldn't be taught before then, either. Consent is an ongoing conversation in our home, framed to suit the situation. But now that my son has a girlfriend, I'm finding ways to introduce the concept of consent within a relationship on a level that he can understand.

From the time my sons were very little — before they could even talk — I started teaching them about body autonomy and consent.

"Do you want me to tickle you?" "Can I pick you up?" "Do you want me to brush your hair?"

I would ask whenever I could, waiting for their response before proceeding. Yes, of course, there are times when a young child needs to be picked up or hair needs to be brushed whether they want it or not, but there are just as many times when children can be given — and deserve — the right to choose. And so I let them decide whenever I can.

Teaching them that no one can touch them without permission was the first step in teaching them about respecting the boundaries of others.

I model the respect I expect them to extend to others. It is an ongoing lesson, as the most important lessons always are.

Of course they fight — what siblings don't? But I teach them that, whatever the game or activity, if someone says "Stop!" or "No!" they are to stop what they are doing.

To that end, I try to stay out of their squabbles and give them time to sort them out. If they don't stop, there are consequences. We talk about how it feels to have someone keep chasing, tickling, or bothering you when you've told them to stop. I watch their empathy for others grow as they consider how it feels to be little and have grownups want to touch their faces or hug them without permission. They're learning, and it gives me hope.

But now I'm having daily conversations with my youngest son about girlfriends and what is — and isn't — OK.

He knows he has to ask if she wants a hug before he touches her. He knows that it's rude to refer to her as "my girlfriend" when talking about her and that it's better, and more respectful, to use her name.

He knows that if he gives her a gift, he should give her a chance to respond instead of inundating her with more gifts. "Let's wait and see how she feels about this lovely picture you made her before you draw another one," I tell him, explaining how overwhelming it can be to have someone give you gifts when you're not ready for them or haven't had a chance to return the affection. Of course, I'm thinking about the boy I knew my junior year of high school who would constantly leave me trinkets of his affection at my locker — affection that wasn't reciprocated and made me uncomfortable, especially after I asked him to stop.

I don't know if I'm doing this right, honestly.

There are times when I think to myself, "But he's only 6! Why are we even having this conversation?" And then I remind myself, "If not now, when?"

I know what it means to be a girl in this world, and my sons are starting to hear my #MeToo stories, the ones they're old enough to understand. How do I talk about what's wrong in the world if I'm not willing to talk about the right behaviors, the right way to treat women?

I know my sons have a good role model in their father and in our marriage. I know they watch how my husband interacts with me, and I see it reflected in how they treat me. It's a start, but I know it's not enough in a world that sends mixed messages to boys about girls and how to treat them.

It's been eye-opening, seeing how my children regard consent.

I've seen how those early lessons in teaching them about their own right to say no have gone a long way in teaching them the empathy and respect they show for others now.

I know we're not done; we're only just starting. I know it's only going to get more complicated as they get older.

But at the end of the day, no matter their age, the core lesson is the same: respect people, care about how they are feeling in your interactions with them, and remember that others have a right to feel differently than you do and to set boundaries for what is OK with them. The situations will change, but those words will be repeated again and again.

Teaching consent is not a one-time discussion. It's something I want my sons to think about every single day.

This story originally appeared on Ravishly and is reprinted here with permission. More from Ravishly:

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    This letter to Trump about his 'respect for women' comment is really for everyone.

    Men need to step up in the fight for gender justice.

    President Donald Trump makes a lot of big claims. It's kind of his thing.

    For instance, he once claimed to have "the world's greatest memory" (a claim he later forgot making). Then there was the time he told a black pastor that he was "the least racist person that you have ever met" (which is quite the claim to make even if you didn't open your presidential campaign by labeling Mexicans as "rapists" and "criminals").

    But perhaps the most hyperbolically "WTF" phrase he's ever uttered was about women.

    GIF from ABC News/YouTube.

    Even if you were to set aside his history of misogynistic comments and the accusations of assault and harassment by a bevy of women throughout the years, we're to believe that nobody has more respect for women? Seems unlikely — on a purely statistical level.

    That's why gender justice group Promundo is calling on Trump to make good on his farfetched boast and "Be a Model Man."

    The group encourages men and boys to partner with women and girls in the fight for gender equality, working to defeat harmful gender norms and disrupt power dynamics that drive gender-based injustices worldwide.

    This week, the group posted an open letter to the president on its website.

    "During the campaign, you said, 'Nobody has more respect for women than I do,'" reads the letter. "Yet, you have said and done things that many people consider to be disrespectful. As men who believe manhood is not about disrespecting women, we call on you to make amends and to set a new tone."

    While directed at Trump, the letter serves as a call to action for men around the country to support the fight for gender equality.

    On January 21, just one day after Trump took office, millions participated in what was originally planned as the Women's March on Washington, with sister marches popping up around the world in solidarity.

    Standing up to the president, who was recorded on a hot mic saying, "When you’re a star, [women] let you do it. You can do anything. ... Grab ’em by the pussy," and once claimed that one of his sexual assault accusers "would not be [his] first choice," it's important to remember the culture that empowers men to say and do things like that in the first place.

    GIF from Bloomberg Politics/YouTube.

    The ongoing attacks against reproductive rights and changes to grants under the Violence Against Women Act are much more than "identity politics," as some would like to suggest.

    These issues, innately gendered as they are, are core to who we are as a country and who we want to be as a country. Promundo's open letter calls on the president to "champion the rights of all women." Even if he won't, you — and other men — can!

    It's simple, dudes, really. Set a good example, be your best self, use your voice and platform to advance causes of justice, and push back on unfair gendered power dynamics. Fighting for women's rights means taking a stand for women of all backgrounds, religions, financial situations, sexual orientations, and abilities. It means standing next to — and not in front of —women, using your privilege to make space for women and amplifying women's voices and experiences whenever possible.

    Whatever Trump does or doesn't do, remember that it's up to you to decide whether you want to #BeAModelMan.

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