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postpartum depression

Women's lives are complex, messy, and beautiful.

Diversity is the spice of life, they say. Our differences are what make us special, unique. But sometimes, you yearn for others to understand you in a way that simply can’t happen unless you ask them outright.

That’s what happened on Reddit, when a man asked the forum r/AskFeminists the following question:

“What would you choose as the ONE concept you would make all men on the planet instantly understand, given the power to do so? Tell me about stuff that has nothing to do with men. That we can’t understand because we’re not even there!”


reddit, post, ask, question, forum An unusual request with wonderful, thoughtful answers. Reddit

Women responded enthusiastically, sharing their day-to-day experiences, ranging from differences in health care to the intricacies of “that time of the month.” We’ve gathered 12 of the most highly voted answers, below.


1. Women are not a monolith

First things first, despite the prompt (and the intriguing answers it produced) women are not all the same. They do not think the same, feel the same, or have anything in common, solely based on their gender. The top-voted comment to this Reddit thread said as much, with a user writing:

“The biggest deficiency is not quite getting that we aren’t some hive mind or have some essential trait in common the differentiates us from men. We are no more of a puzzle to be figured out than any of your friends or acquaintances who are men. And just because you dated/met/saw on TikTok a woman who said or did X, that is no reflection on the next woman.”


women, talking, experience, friends, womanhood Photo credit: Canva

The next woman echoed this, saying:

“I am as unique from other people as you are. People often consider women to be a monolith or a hive mind. Absolutely not so. My experiences, opinions, moral codes, and answers are mine.”


2. Women are hilarious

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Quinta Bronson, Carol Burnett: Women have been funny since the dawn of time. Yet, why do some believe the opposite to be true?


- YouTube www.youtube.com

“I have noticed that this whole ‘women are not funny’ myth leads to women (at least those around me) not loosing up and cracking jokes in environments different from the ones they feel safe in,” commented one user.

“Like, you know the class clown stereotype? It is rarely a woman. I also don’t see women making lots of jokes during work presentations or conferences, whereas some men freely use humor as a main tool to keep an audience engaged.”

Another person put even more plainly, writing:

“Women can be just as hilarious as men. In fact, I personally find women way more naturally and authentically funnier than men.”


3. Women are expected to be caregivers

Societal norms have long equated femininity with very specific traits, including to be nurturing, sensitive, and caregiving. From childhood, girls are frequently encouraged to play with dolls, help with chores, and model caregiving behaviors, while boys are rarely socialized in the same way. These expectations continue throughout a woman’s life—often, without their conscious knowledge of it—and they learn the lesson that caregiving is both their duty and moral obligation.

“I think that men often fail to understand the way that women are socialized to be 24/7 caregivers in a way that’s truly mind-blowing if you think about it,” starts another commenter.

She continues with an example:

“I’m sure you’ve seen a million conflicts where a wife is pissed off about something minor that her husband keeps doing, like, maybe he eats all her snacks without replacing them. She lets this go for a while, until she finally brings it up, and it’s a big emotional conversation. And he goes 'Well why didn’t you tell me? You need to communicate if I’m doing something that bothers you!' And everybody agrees that this whole problem was the wife’s responsibility to say something sooner.”


girls, talking, experience, friends, girlhood Even from a young age, girls are socialized to like and do certain things. Photo credit: Canva


4. Inequalities in healthcare

The Retrievals is a fascinating, heart-wrenching audio series by The New York Times, in which they tell the story of I.V.F patients at the Yale Fertility Clinic who experienced excruciating pain during a surgical procedure called egg removal. Despite their protests, no one believed them.

“Women’s pain is often downplayed by medical professionals or, more dangerously, told that their pain is ‘natural’ and ‘expected,’” writes one commenter.

“This mindset leads doctors to do procedures like IUD insertion without any sort of warning or pain management offered, which is barbaric. Or it leads to women downplaying their own pain, like from fibroids or PCOS or MS, because they’ve been told ‘oh, you’re supposed to be in debilitating pain.’”

Another woman echoed her experience, sharing:

“It’s so infuriating. I’ve had some serious and not so serious medical issues in my life, and I have yet to be taken seriously by even one doctor.”


5. Pregnancy

Over on r/AskWomenNoCensor, a similar discussion went on, this time, around the question, “What’s something men won’t be able to understand about women’s experiences without experiencing it themselves?”

The first answer?

Pregnancy.

“Pregnancy. Everything about it,” writes one woman.

“Not wanting it; wanting it; the body changes during; the decisions if you don’t want to carry it; birth; after-birth. So, so much!”



6. Objectification

In a paper titled “Objectification Theory, Self-Objectification, and Body Image,” by RM Calogero, they write:

“A large body of research has documented that women are targeted for sexually objectifying treatment in their day-to-day lives more often than are men. Sexual objectification refers to the fragmentation of a woman into a collection of sexual parts and/or sexual functions, essentially stripping her of a unique personality and subjectivity so that she exists as merely a body. It is important to note that these experiences of sexual objectification occur outside of women’s personal control.”

Many commenters seemed to have experienced that phenomenon first-hand.

One person wished that men understood this better, writing: “We learn to self-monitor at such a young age. We view ourselves through a third-person perspective because we were conditioned to always see ourselves through the eyes of men and what they want.”

“This one just hit me hard,” another woman replied. “I never realized this, even tho I’ve known it all along. My god.”


7. It’s the little things

“The insidious social pressure to keep track of little things,” explains one user.

“Birthdays, appointments, animal care, where wallets and keys get tossed, arranging things with family, maintaining a comfortable home, meal planning, making sure I’m prepared for emergencies, how I look, how my friends are doing, what’s our budget look like this month, etc. It used to really bother me that my mom was always finishing things up before sitting down to eat with us, but I find myself doing the same thing. I’m so practiced in scanning the environment because if I don’t tend to the minute no one else will catch it, and I can’t physically relax knowing it’s waiting there for me.”


women, talking, experience, friends, womanhood Being responsible for all the little things of life can be exhausting. Photo credit: Canva


8. Periods

Unsurprisingly, ‘periods’ was a frequent response, with one person writing, “I wish I could carry around the [period simulator] machine and attach it to guys to make them feel how it feels.”

Another person listed the different things women have to deal with on or around their period, including:

  • Cramps
  • Fatigue
  • Hunger
  • Irritation
  • Emotions
  • Being told that it’s “not that bad”


“I want to add the 'she’s on her period,’” they continue.

“Even if someone was menstrual 100% of the time, they still have a voice. What they say still matters. So many people will undercut another’s value with 'Oh, are you on your period?’”


9. “High maintenance”

Then there's of course, the infamous Pink Tax. This refers to the tendency for products marketed specifically toward women to be more expensive than those marketed toward men. On average, these products—including razors, deodorants, shampoos, and lotions—are, on average, 7–13% more expensive than similar items for men. In some studies, like the 2015 New York City Department of Consumer Affairs report, show that women’s products can cost thousands more over a lifetime for essentially identical products, differing only by color or packaging.

But even on top of that, the cost of maintaining a female body—haircuts, dry cleaning, makeup, skin care, nails, feminine hygiene products—all add up to an exorbitant amount.


- YouTube www.youtube.com

“I wish men knew how expensive all that female cr*p is,” explained one commenter.

“I’m not talking about the pink tax — as for instance when I saw the identical set of tweezers in two kinds of packaging, one for women and one for men, and the women’s version cost $2 more — but just the sheer volume of crap you buy. Most of us don’t do it just for ourselves. Rarely do our jobs require it, but we get treated a lot better, and I don’t mean ‘straight men are hanging off me!’ better (and that’s not a good thing anyway), but as in ‘we don’t get ignored as much when we talk’ better. Of course, you have to walk the line of ‘attractive enough to tolerate’ and ‘attractive enough to make straight men blame you for their bad behavior.’


10. Don’t stand so close to me

“I think the largest gap in understanding between men and women is how truly scary it is for women (especially young women) to exist,” begins one woman.

“This is not to say that it’s not scary to be a man at times, but the fear experienced is different. Men tend to think of fear as being stabbed in a dark alley or being attacked by a bear in the forest, while for women it could be walking through a well-lit parking lot by themselves.”

She continues,

“I don’t think a lot of men realize that when they approach women, the woman is thinking about how much of a threat that man could be. Or walking down the street, how dangerous they appear.”


11. Postpartum

We’ve touched on periods and pregnancy, but what happens once the baby is born? Sunshine and rainbows, I assume?

Wrong.

“In my experience, postpartum depression takes the crown,” wrote one woman.


“Absolutely!” agreed another.

“I went through it and it was pure misery. Trying to take care of an infant while being in a mental health crisis is horrible. What’s more, my ex-husband didn’t believe me, said I probably saw something on TV and that I was just faking it. Part of the reason he’s my ex.”

Across the globe, it is estimated that 1 in 7 women (14.3%) experience postpartum depression. In the U.S., that number drops slightly to 12.7% (roughly 1 in 8 mothers) and generally lasts for 3–6 months—even longer, without the proper treatment.


12. And finally…

The last thing women wish men knew about them? That for most women, our lives don’t revolve around men.


One woman summed it up perfectly:

“I think most men here on Reddit have no idea what actual women conversations and friendships are. So many men seem to think that women treat their friends like some extra brittle china dolls, never being sarcastic with them, or jokingly insulting, having to walk on eggshells around them, never having any banter, never saying what they actually think, etc. Do they really think that women can’t have a good banter with other women, be really blunt with each other and not get offended, jokingly hit each other or basically just have very diverse and different human relationships?”


There you have it: the 12 things women wish men would understand about them. Women are not a monolith; they are different and unique and can’t be grouped together just by gender. Life can be scary, in ways that men typically don’t have to think about. Women's lives are expensive. And we’re just people: flawed, funny, lazy, uncaring, loving—all of it. And at the end of the day, it’s a beautiful experience. It’s just like Shania Twain said: “Man, I feel like a woman (hey!)”

Canva, @melissamesser/TikTok

Postpartum can be a challenging time. Extra support goes a long way

Bringing a baby into the world can be a dream come true for many women. But that bliss is quickly compromised by the physical and emotional toll caused by the postpartum phase.

During this time, when hormones are raging and focus is compromised and energy is practically nonexistent—all while trying to recover from extreme physical transformations and keeping a newborn alive—having partner support is more important than ever.

That’s what makes one woman’s detailed list of things husbands (or just the partner who didn’t not deliver the baby, really) can do to help support mom moms through postpartum such an important read.


In a clip posted to her TikTok, Melissa Messer noted that her list was still the “bare minimum” of what she thinks men “should” be doing during the postpartum phase in order to really show support. But the list was comprehensive nonetheless.

To start, Messer stated that two different water bottles should be filled for mom at all times — her water bottle and her peri bottle. One for hydration, the other for comfort.

postpartum care

Have healing products stock and ready to go.

Canva

“Okay, first and arguably most important is that water bottles should always be filled with ice water. Like, don't even let it get to the point where she has to ask. Just have that thing ready. Another thing that should be filled without them having to think about is their peri bottle that they're using to heal,” she said.

And that’s not the only healing product that should be at the ready. Messer also suggested that there be a constant stockpile of pads, disposable underwear and Tucks pads. That way moms “don’t even have to think about it when they go into the bathroom.”

Since emotional support is also part of the job, Messer gave a tip for what to do during late night feedings, which can be “lonely” for their postpartum partner.

“I know, at night, it's like, ‘What can I do? Like I can't feed the baby if she's breastfeeding.’ Wake up in the middle of the night for moral support, you know?” she suggested, which brought her into her next point: “Tell her she's a good mom, at least three times a day minimum.”

Next up: domestic chores, like laundry, housework, changing diapers, etc., so that mom can “shower and nap.” though Messer noted that “that's kind of like a given,” especially if this is the couple’s first child.

For families that already do have kids, Messer said that responsibilities might change a bit, and might require more attention towards the older kids.

“You should be doing everything with the other kids. Checking in and asking if mom needs anything, even though you're with the other kids the whole time,” she explained.

She also added that with multiple kids the house is more likely to be messy, but it should never get “completely overwhelming.”

Last but certainly not least, Messer encouraged husbands to be “extra nice” to their wives, and even get them a “special treat” from time to time. Because “there is so much that moms are going through that guys are never gonna experience.”

@melissmesser Clearly i feel strongly about the water bottle LMAO #greenscreen #momsoftiktok #POSTPARTUM #postpartumrecovery #postpartumjourney #pregnancytiktok #pregnancy #postpartumlife #postpartumsupport #postpartumbody #postpartum ♬ original sound - Melissa

Over in the comments, viewers added some other tips to the list, like managing the meals and buying a bottle warmer for peri bottle, so it can be used instantly.

Others chimed in to praise their current hubbies who already showed up in big ways.

“I see these lists and immediately feel so grateful I got a good one!” one mom wrote.

Another added “I am so emotional right now listening to those knowing I got a good one.”

Postpartum is rarely a walk in the park—for either mom or dad. But just like any other challenge, it can be so much easier to navigate through partnership. And it doesn't hurt to review where you can be a more supportive partner, even if you are already doing a ton of things right. Seeing things simplified into a list just like this one is an easy way to do that.

Family

A mom seeks doctor's help for postpartum depression and instead gets a visit from the cops

Too many women lose out on much needed support because of unwarranted stigma.

Canva

Postpartum depression is very common, and treatable.

Jessica Porten recently visited her doctor four months after giving birth to her daughter, Kira. She wasn't feeling quite like herself.

She had been dealing with overwhelming sadness and fits of anger, which she knew was likely stemming from a case of postpartum depression.

In a Facebook post, Porten recounts the story of that appointment.


"I tell them I have a very strong support system at home, so although I would never hurt myself or my baby," she writes. "I’m having violent thoughts and I need medication and therapy to get through this."

In other words, she went to her doctor to ask for help for an extremely normal and treatable issue that affects an estimated 1 million women in the U.S. each year in one form or another.

But instead of getting help, as Porten tells it, the office did something pretty unexpected: They called the police.

Because of her admission to "violent thoughts," staff wanted the police to escort Porten to the ER for evaluation.

The cops, according to Porten, were skeptical of the need for their presence when they arrived and allowed her to drive herself to the hospital.

But the ordeal continued.

"We arrive at the ER and I’m checked in, triaged, blood drawn. I am assigned a security guard to babysit me," she writes.

She says she waited for over an hour to get a room, all while wrangling her months-old baby. After some brief tests, a lot of waiting, and a super-short interview with a social worker, she was deemed mentally fit enough to be discharged.

Porten and her 4-month-old didn't leave the hospital until after midnight.

The worst part? Porten never got the help she asked for.

depression

Postpartum depression is as serious as the stigma it carries

Canva

In addition to the undue stress and wasted time, Porten left the hospital without having received any medical help whatsoever.

"Not once during all of this has a doctor laid eyes on me," she writes. "Not once. Not even before they decided to call the cops on me."

Porten says that, for all her time and effort, she received some papers and pamphlets and was sent on her way.

"I’m still processing all of the emotions that are coming with being treated this way. I’m not exactly sure what to do here. I will say I am deeply hurt and upset, and above all angry and disgusted and disappointed by how this whole thing went down."

She also points out that if she had been a woman of color, her ordeal probably would have been even more drawn out and traumatic.

Postpartum depression is a serious issue - as is the stigma it carries.

Postpartum depression is common. The condition, and even the scary violent thoughts that sometimes accompany it, may even have an important evolutionary purpose. Some argue that new moms are on high alert for danger and that stress can sometimes visually manifest itself in their thoughts.

But, as with most mental health issues, postpartum depression can carry a lot of shame, embarrassment, and guilt for the women affected by it — leading them to ignore their symptoms instead of seeking help. One study even found that countries that don't recognize postpartum depression by name actually see women more likely to come forward with their symptoms.

Stories like Porten's show exactly why many women would rather suffer in silence than be poked, prodded, and treated inhumanely. And of course, not getting proper treatment will only make things wore.

It's time for a different approach.

It may be a common policy to call the police in the interest of the child's safety. But a policy that better addresses the mother's concerns and gets her the help she needs, without being shamed, is definitely a better way to go.

To get there, we need to help more honest and brave women feel comfortable coming forward about the aspects of postpartum depression that are hard to talk about. And we all need to better educate ourselves on the complexities of mental health issues and, more importantly, the human beings behind them.

You can find a link to Porten's post on Facebook here:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1021317492...


This story originally appeared on 01.24.18


A woman in a white bikini relaxing in a pool.

A post on Reddit’s AITA subforum brought up a compelling debate about how people approach the mental health of others. As friends, coworkers and family members of people with mental health issues, how far is too far when it comes to accommodating their unique needs and requests?

It all started when a person with the username GlumDemand, 30, went with his girlfriend Alex, 27, to a friend’s pool party and barbecue. Also attending that party was their friend, Christine, 37, who had recently had a child and was struggling with postpartum depression. She hoped that attending the party would help to “lighten her mood.”

Postpartum depression happens to some women after giving birth and can cause mood swings, a loss of appetite, low energy and feelings of inadequacy. In severe cases, it can lead to major depression or postpartum psychosis.


In Christine’s situation, the depression led to a bad case of body dysmorphia. People with body dysmorphia become obsessed with the perceived flaws in their bodies and it can cause unbearable feelings of insecurity. This can happen to women after they give birth because of the tremendous changes in their bodies.

All this came to a head at the party when Christina became triggered after seeing Alex’s body in a swimsuit.

woman swimming, pool party, reddit

Woman swimming underwater

via PixaBay

“My girlfriend Alex … is a model/influencer, and as you can imagine she’s very beautiful, this is important,” GlumDemand wrote. “Everyone at the party is wearing some form of swimming gear, all of the guys are wearing trunks and tank tops or Hawaiian shirts, and the women are wearing bikinis or swimsuits. Alex stole the show. However, she didn’t wear anything too revealing or inappropriate, but it did turn heads.”

A mutual friend told GlumDemand that Christine was getting “upset” by Alex’s appearance and wanted to know if he could ask her to cover up a bit because it triggered her body dysmorphia.

“I was confused but I said okay, I talked to Alex and she said that while she understood she didn’t understand why she had to cover up for the sake of someone else’s feelings,” GlumDemand wrote. “Needless to say she didn’t do it.”

Two hours later, Christine left the party.

GlumDemand reached out to the Reddit AITA community to ask if he and Alex were in the wrong because she didn’t want to cover up. The responders overwhelmingly took their side in the situation.

“Having had PPD and BD, I sympathize. But I just avoided situations like this prior to therapy, and now have had enough therapy to deal. My mental health issues aren't my fault, but they're my responsibility,” Relevant-Ad6288 wrote.

“I love that line ‘my mental health issues aren't my fault, but they're my responsibility’ amazing, I hope it's ok to use it?” QuietlyFierce wrote in agreement.

body image, pool party, reddit

Three men having a good time at a pool party

via Ramiroa Pianarosa/Unsplash

A Reddit user by the name of a Colo-rectal surgeon posed a hypothetical. “If this were an issue where someone was uncomfortable because they found the appearance of someone else's body very unappealing, then asking them to cover up would be out of the question,” they wrote. “Someone shouldn't have to cover up because they look ‘too good.’”

Some thought that Christine was downright rude to put Alex in that position.

“It's already not ok for Christine to ask someone to change their clothes for her comfort; it's doubly wrong to make Alex feel like her body is the problem,” wrote lefrench75.

Few people thought the original poster and Alex were in the wrong. But those who did questioned whether they were good friends. “Would it have been that hard to cover up to help someone out?” Lord_Buff74 asked. “You don't have to, and you can choose to be vain and selfish.”

“I would never try to do anything that would upset someone I consider a friend. If you said ‘a stranger at a party,’ I would be like yeah, it's a little different, but a ‘close friend’? You might think it's okay, but you probably lost a friend over this,” Kyouji added.

It seems most people agree that even though body dysmorphia isn’t Christine’s fault, it’s her responsibility to manage her issues. It’s also unreasonable for her to ask others to change their appearance. Even though some questioned whether Alex was being considerate of Christine’s feelings, it’s also fair to say that Christine put her in a very uncomfortable position.

Situations surrounding mental illness can be uncomfortable. The problem probably could have been resolved more compassionately if Christine and Alex had the space to discuss their issues so that everyone's feelings were considered.