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A simple 'test' can help identify potentially abusive partners early in a relationship.

This could save the life of you or someone you love.

Know the signs of a domestic abuser.

Most abusers don't start their relationships by hitting their partners. That's why early warning signs are vital to recognize.

I know two women who recently left abusive partners. Both men seemed sweet and likable—even gentle—each time I saw them. Both had some lovely qualities as people and even as partners. And both turned out to be controlling, increasingly abusive partners behind closed doors.


The thing about domestic violence is that most people don't enter into relationships with someone who abuses them from the get go. It's often like the analogy of the frog in boiling water. If you place a frog into a pot of boiling water, it'll jump right out. But if you put it in a cool pot and gradually increase the temperature, the frog won't recognize that it's being slowly cooked until it's too late.

Abuse usually comes on gradually, with plenty of opportunity to manipulate and forgive and justify the water getting warmer. That's why many stay in abusive relationships far longer than they should.

A domestic violence counselor suggests a simple test to help identify potential abusers early in a relationship.

Rob Andrews is a domestic violence counselor in Australia. He told ABC News that he advises people to use what he calls the "No Test" to identify potential red flags early on in a relationship.

"The No Test is basically to watch out for the way your partner responds the first time you change your mind or say no," Andrews said.

"While expressing disappointment is OK, it's not the same as annoyed. Annoyed is 'how dare you,' a sign of ownership or entitlement."

Ownership, entitlement, control—these are red flags that often lead to increasingly abusive behavior. And though women can definitely be abusers, the reality is that women are much more likely to be the victims of domestic violence and male abusers tend to be more dangerous to their partners.

"A lot of the women who will present to services will see themselves as part of the problem," Andrews said. "They'll ask themselves why they're always attracted to abusive men, blame themselves for not being assertive enough, blame themselves for pushing their partner's buttons, causing their anger."

"With the No Test, we're not trying to give women knowledge that they didn't already know," he said, "but when they see it in black and white in front of them like that, they realize they of course have the right to say no, that they aren't to blame."

Andrews describes our patriarchal history as "the nut of the problem."

Andrews said that some people erroneously tell women that they should just be more assertive with their partners, letting them know they won't stand for controlling or abusive behavior, but that's not always the best tack to take.

"Being assertive with a man who's threatening to bash you is not a very good idea," he said. "It almost comes from what I'd call 'deficit thinking,' that somehow these women need to be trained up so that the people won't abuse them. The only person who can stop the abuse is the person who is doing the abusing."

Andrews works with men who are struggling with their own behavior and want to change. He has them think about what kind of man they really want to be and work with them to align their behavior with that vision.

"I hear a lot of people saying how it's so hard for men now, it's all so confusing," he said. "It's very easy to be a man. Just be polite and respectful to people, it's not that difficult really."

"But in saying that," he added, "we are to some extent dealing with 2,000 years of history of women being a second-class citizen. That's the nut of the problem and we've got to keep chipping away at it."


This article originally appeared on 02.11.19

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Boyfriend's reaction to Tubi Super Bowl ad sparks important domestic violence discussion

Her parents' response helps explain why many women have a hard time leaving abusive relationships.

Photo by Piotr Cichosz on Unsplash, Screenshot via Reddit/Usual-Umpire-4468

A Tubi ad during the Super Bowl had families wondering who was messing with the remote.

Millions of people across the U.S. freaked out in unison during Super Bowl LVII when a commercial for streaming service Tubi duped everyone into thinking somebody was fiddling with the TV remote. The first few seconds of the ad made it appear as if game coverage was resuming, then suddenly, a smart TV home screen appeared with a cursor clicking on different things, ultimately landing on Tubi.

The brilliant ad clearly got people's attention, as people flooded social media with stories of how everyone in their household asked who was sitting on the remote and disrupting the game. For most people, it was a hilarious prank that ended in shared laughter. But for some, it didn't turn out to be funny at all.

In a now-deleted post shared on Reddit, an unnamed 23-year-old woman described how her 25-year-old boyfriend reacted to the commercial when he thought she was messing with the TV. It's a story filled with domestic violence red flags, and people are sharing it as an example of what abusive relationships can look like in their early stages.

"My boyfriend thought I was the one changing the channel and began screaming at me violently, calling me things that I don’t even want to write down," the woman shared. "Even as I told him it was a commercial he ignored me and kept blowing up at me and punched a hole in our living room wall."

Red flags: Screaming obscenities and damaging property.

"He eventually realized what actually happened and awkwardly apologized but I was so disgusted over his reaction to a 15 second commercial," she continued. "I feel like if you can’t keep your anger in check and get that violent over something so small I don’t want to be around for it. We’d been together for over a year, living together for the past 2 months and I’ve known him to get angry at things sometimes but this really took me off guard and I can’t forget how unsafe I felt around him during this."

Red flag: Feeling unsafe with your partner.

She shared that she left the next morning with some of her things and is staying at her parents' house. "I left him a note telling him how I felt and that I didn’t think we were going to work out long term," she wrote. "He’s been messaging and calling me repeatedly. My parents told me that I’m overreacting since he had a bit to drink and the Super Bowl gets everyone riled up but I don’t feel I am. I don’t think it’s normal to be that angry."

Red flag: Parents excusing violent behavior and not supporting their daughter who feels unsafe.

People in the comments let the woman know that her instincts are spot on. It's not normal to get that angry, especially over a football game.

"Jfc, that ad is not even 10 seconds long. It only took him that much to insult you and punch a wall, ultimately destroying your mutual trust? Yikes, that's scary. You deserve much better than that, mad respect for standing your own ground," wrote Reddit user itsOkami.

“'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.' - Maya Angelou. Believe him, he’s got an impressive collection of red flags," wrote Marlievey.

This astute comment from ohsheetitscici received more than 7,000 upvotes:

"Definitely not an overreaction at all! My partner and I watched the same commercial, and we thought one of us was sitting on the remote. When we finally realized it was a commercial, we laughed at how dumb we were and moved on.

"The fact that something that small triggered that intense of a reaction out of your (hopefully) ex is a red flag the size of f**king Texas. You did the right thing, and you are right to protect yourself if you feel unsafe. This is coming from someone who was in an abusive relationship before I met my husband. Trust and believe when I say, the abuse didn’t happen overnight. He, in a f**ked up way, did you a favor flipping out like that. Cause you just got a preview of what was to come later down the line."

Flowerino also hit the nail on the head:

"This is absolutely not overreacting. He was the one to overreact. Even if it hadn't been a commercial he'd still not have any valid reason for becoming so angry and ruining a wall. And if he's capable of destroying property over such a small thing as a commercial break, he is not safe to be around. Next time something he found inconvenient happens, it could've been you he'd hit.

"And your parents' comment about his actions being justified because he had a little to drink is disgusting to me. Alcohol should never be used to justify violence in any shape or form."

Others chimed in about how disturbing her parents' reaction was.

"Like 'Hey, Mom? He punched a hole in the drywall. He went from 0 to hole-in-the-wall in less than 15 seconds. Over something he thought I was doing. He wasn’t responding to the commercial, he was responding to me. I don’t care how many drinks he had; if it’s possible for him to become that enraged over thinking I was changing the channel during a commercial break then imagine if there’s ever a legitimate reason for him to be angry.'" – -janelleybeans-

"You ARE NOT overreacting! Your parents are UNDER REACTING! I don't care how 'exciting' a GAME is, nor how much alcohol was consumed. That doesn't excuse bad behavior. This would be a definite 'dealbreaker' for me." – Pyewacket62

Hopefully, this woman's story and the comments from people pointing out red flags will not only help her see that her instincts are right, but perhaps help others to recognize patterns of abusive behavior. As many people pointed out, domestic violence doesn't usually escalate to extremes immediately, and there are signs and signals that indicate abusive dynamics in a relationship that everyone should be aware of.

Good for this woman for recognizing that screaming and punching a hole in the wall over a Super Bowl ad is one of them.

If you are in or think you might be in an abusive relationship, get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline by visiting hotline.org, or calling 1.800.799.SAFE (7233), or texting "START" to 88788.

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Chicago's 'hero movers' are a reminder of how hard leaving abusive relationships can be.

When a three-man moving crew saw a woman frantically running out of a dental office in Chicago, they knew she was in trouble. And they knew they could help.

Josh Lara, Cody Grant, and Mike Zaininger were unloading a truck in Chicago's West Loop back in October when a woman ran up to them, asking to use their phone, telling them that someone was shooting.

That someone was the woman's abusive ex-boyfriend. He was carrying a gun, and he was looking for her. "She knew she was being looked for, the way she was hiding," Zaininger told DNA Info Chicago at the time. "It was just our instinct to try and protect and help her," Lara said.

The three movers acted quickly to hide the woman in their truck, likely saving her life. Her ex, unable to find her, fatally shot himself outside the dental office where she worked.

On Dec. 14, 2016, the three "hero movers" — as they've been called — were honored by their local city council.

Lara, Grant, and Zaininger being honored by their city council. Photo via 25th Ward.

An official city proclamation thanked the men for their "selfless display of bravery" and "remarkable display of courage and quick-thinking." The three heroes were surrounded by their loved ones and family, with Cody Grant's youngest son wearing a shirt reading "My Dad Is My Hero."

Escaping an abusive relationship is not usually as simple as running outside and asking for help.

Abusers purposely make their victims feel small and helpless to convince them the abuse is their own fault. They cut their victims off from support networks and often use financial control and manipulation and emotional abuse to ensure their victims stay quiet and have no means of escape.

A woman walks through the streets of Paris with fake blood for International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. Photo by Thomas Samson/AFP/Getty Images.

"Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving than at any other time during the relationship," reads the Domestic Violence Intervention Program website. The woman who the hero movers hid was lucky to find them — and even luckier that they acted quickly to help her and didn't stop to ask questions or turn the other way.

There are things you can do if you suspect that someone is being emotionally or physically abused or if someone comes to you asking for help.

A good first step is to familiarize yourself with the warning signs of abuse, which can help you identify an abusive relationship that might not seem like one at first.

If you want to help a friend or family member, you should also try to understand why that person might not want to leave the relationship or why they might not even think they're being abused. Shaming them for that or pressuring them to escape can actually be counterproductive. Instead, make yourself someone they can trust and talk to no matter what.

A photo exhibition of murdered women in Ankara, Turkey, as a protest against violence toward women. Photo by Adem Altan/AFP/Getty Images.

Because leaving abusive relationships puts women at such high risk of retaliation from their partners, it's important to develop a safety plan that also accounts for the safety of kids, pets, and family members.

We won't all find ourselves in situations where we can be like the hero movers, but stopping domestic violence is up to all of us.

The woman in Chicago was in direct and immediate danger. She was being hunted by an angry abuser who had a gun on him. But instances of domestic abuse won't always be that extreme. There isn't any one type of person who can find themselves stuck in an abusive relationship. It happens to women, it happens to men, and it happens in LGBTQ relationships as well.

If abuse is happening to someone you know, don't assume that someone else will step in, and don't assume that that person will eventually help themselves. You can, and should, be the person that speaks up in a productive way when you see it.

In Chicago, when the movers stepped in, they saved a woman's life. They also demonstrated the simple power of being there. They did the right thing, and it should inspire all of us to do the same whenever we can.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call or visit the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, 800-799-7233

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The tragic reason Tamron Hall painted a fingernail purple to end domestic abuse.

In 2004, Tamron Hall's sister, Renate, was found beaten to death in the backyard of her Houston, Texas, home.

She'd had a history of relationships with abusive men.

As you can imagine, the loss was devastating to Hall, a co-anchor on the "Today" show. She was forever changed.

Photo by Robin Marchant/Getty Images for SiriusXM.

"No one deserves what happened to my sister," Hall told People magazine in April 2016. "For a long time I was hesitant about sharing our story. I didn't want to be another well-known person saying, 'Look what happened to me and my family.' But then I said, 'Screw that. I can save a life.'"

That's why Hall is sporting one purple-painted nail on her left hand.

New profile pic. Watch tomorrow #todaystake as we #putthenailinit @safehorizon 9et for more ...

A photo posted by Tamron Hall (@tamronhall) on

Hall stars in a new PSA for Safe Horizon's #PutTheNailInIt campaign aimed at ending domestic violence.

The PSA by Safe Horizon — a nonprofit aimed at empowering the survivors of and preventing domestic abuse — encourages viewers to paint their left ring-finger nail purple (the color of the anti-domestic violence movement) in a show of solidarity.

The campaign has been an ongoing initiative for the group, but Hall's latest PSA is bringing renewed interest to efforts to #PutTheNailInIt just days before the start of October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Domestic abuse is a topic that gets attention but not nearly enough.

1 in 4 adult women and 1 in 7 adult men will experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.

Those stats are alarming enough, but the prevalence of domestic abuse across the U.S. is even more sobering when you dissect the numbers behind the groups that affected even more.

Black women are nearly three times more likely to be murdered by an intimate partner than women from other racial backgrounds.

Women of color, and particularly black women, are disproportionately affected by domestic violence. Black women are nearly three times more likely to be murdered by an intimate partner than women from other racial backgrounds.

Although the issue remains under-researched within the queer community, the data we do have suggests partner abuse is disproportionately affecting all genders and sexual orientations across the LGBTQ spectrum, particularly transgender survivors of domestic abuse.

We need to be talking about this.

Those disturbing stats are why you'll see other celebrities speaking out in Safe Horizon's PSA too.

Stars like rock star Dave Navarro.

"When my mother's life was taken by a domestic abuser, I unfortunately was a witness to how domestic violence can not only destroy the victim's life, but the lives of friends and family members," Navarro said in a statement.

GIF via Safe Horizon.

And actor Alan Cumming.

"Domestic violence can affect anyone," Cumming said. "Whether gay or straight, we need to have zero tolerance for domestic violence, and I salute full-heartedly Safe Horizon’s #PutTheNailInIt campaign for advocating exactly that."

GIF via Safe Horizon.

And actress Kyra Sedgwick.

"As a woman and a mother of a young woman, the prevalence of domestic violence horrifies me," Sedgwick said. "Domestic violence is a secret, insidious, and rampant epidemic that is so often kept shamefully behind closed doors."

GIF via Safe Horizon.

To Hall, our unified efforts can end domestic violence. We just have to stand together.

"My sister’s memory is important to me and I want to uplift her name to help those families and victims who have felt alone," Hall explained in a statement. "Since opening up and sharing our story, I've been approached by countless people who have taken a stand. If we stand shoulder-to-shoulder we create a wall of protection."

Watch these stars and others support the #PutTheNailInIt campaign below:

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