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abusive relationships

Health

Woman shares texts showing the difference between a healthy and a controlling relationship

Is it a healthy or controlling relationship?

Pic from Twitter.

The texting experience between two different men.

Saving old text messages from exes can sometimes be an asset when you need to remember exactly why you left them. Alternately, sometimes digital relics from old relationships are a good reminder of how much good we have in our lives currently.

At least, they did for the Twitter user May Larsen, who recently posted screenshots of two text threads with two very different men.

The conversation on the left shows how an old conversation went down with an emotionally manipulative ex. While the other screenshot is a prime example of what communication in a healthy partnership looks like.

The emotional dynamics of this exchange are full of red flags.

healthy relationships, texts from an ex, texting, dating

The unhealthy don’t cheat text.

Pic cropped from Twitter post.

This ex (boyfriend, hookup, whatever he was) went from 0-100 in no time. In fact, the ONLY way this kind of freak out would be excusable would be if they had prior plans she ditched on. Alternately, if he was doing a performance art bit where he embodied Drake's 0-100 via text message. Outside of those possibilities, this type of reaction is nothing short of manipulation and emotional abuse.

The second text message showed how Larsen's current partner responds to a simple night out.

relationships, boys, men

The healthy let me know when you’re home safe text.

Pic cropped from Twitter post.

The difference between these responses to a simple night out on the town is night and day. When comparing the two messages, the red flags really pop.

People on Twitter had a LOT of thoughts about the texts.

Some women shared similar experiences with possessive partners.

A lot of people assumed the texts were from two guys she's currently dating.

That quickly got shut down.

Meanwhile, others were caught up with the fact that her current dude wears a cowboy hat.

Regardless of whether the rest of us are pro cowboy hat (I'm pro if you can pull it off), it seems they've got a healthy situation going. Communication is key, in any kind of relationship.


This article originally appeared on 04.10.19

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Mental Health

Narcissist expert explains how to recognize a narcissistic relationship and how to get out

"They don't want you to be strong. They don't want you to succeed. They don't want you to get away."

Lisa Bilyeu|YouTube

Expert explains how to recognize a narcissistic relationship

Narcissist has become somewhat of a buzzword across social media platforms. It's become so common that the word has made its way into the daily lexicon of many people and in a sense lost the weight the word carries. Narcissist has become a catch all word for someone that may display toxic or undesirable behaviors.

But narcissism isn't a fun pop culture word, it's an actual mental health condition that requires a proper diagnosis. It also requires more than just doing something that someone doesn't like to meet criteria. In fact, many people that have narcissistic personality disorder aren't diagnosed because they generally don't seek treatment due to exaggerated sense of self-importance, which can lead to toxic relationships.

Dr. Ramani is a clinical psychologist and narcissist expert, she teaches people how to interact with narcissistic people and how to recover from a narcissistic relationship. In a recent interview, Dr. Ramani sat down Lisa Bilyeu, the host of "Women of Impact" and discussed recognizing a narcissistic relationship pattern and how to escape.

Dr. Ramani begins the segment by essentially comparing and contrasting what a healthy relationship is like in comparison to one that involves a narcissistic partner.

"They don't want you to be strong. They don't want you to succeed. They don't want you to get away and they sure as heck don't want you to be independent," Dr. Ramani says. "Narcissism is about dominance, power and control."

She explains that narcissists find it threatening if their partner is successful, particularly if they start to become more successful than the narcissist. But in a healthy relationship, there is no competition around success. The psychologist says in a healthy relationship the partners support each other and work through any insecurities.

There's no need for one partner to shrink themselves so the other is more comfortable. On the other hand, in a narcissistic relationship there are no boundaries and when there are boundaries put in place by the non narcissist partner, the narcissist will punish them.

"There are a lot of different ways narcissistic people punish people," Dr. Ramani explains. "They abandon people, they withhold from people, they humiliate people, they embarrass people publicly."

Not only is the entire conversation eye opening but it is likely extremely helpful for people who may be questioning if they have found themselves in a narcissistic relationship. The full clip is below and Dr. Ramani does an exceptional job at laying things out in easy to understand terms and scenarios.

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Health

Boyfriend's reaction to Tubi Super Bowl ad sparks important domestic violence discussion

Her parents' response helps explain why many women have a hard time leaving abusive relationships.

Photo by Piotr Cichosz on Unsplash, Screenshot via Reddit/Usual-Umpire-4468

A Tubi ad during the Super Bowl had families wondering who was messing with the remote.

Millions of people across the U.S. freaked out in unison during Super Bowl LVII when a commercial for streaming service Tubi duped everyone into thinking somebody was fiddling with the TV remote. The first few seconds of the ad made it appear as if game coverage was resuming, then suddenly, a smart TV home screen appeared with a cursor clicking on different things, ultimately landing on Tubi.

The brilliant ad clearly got people's attention, as people flooded social media with stories of how everyone in their household asked who was sitting on the remote and disrupting the game. For most people, it was a hilarious prank that ended in shared laughter. But for some, it didn't turn out to be funny at all.

In a now-deleted post shared on Reddit, an unnamed 23-year-old woman described how her 25-year-old boyfriend reacted to the commercial when he thought she was messing with the TV. It's a story filled with domestic violence red flags, and people are sharing it as an example of what abusive relationships can look like in their early stages.

"My boyfriend thought I was the one changing the channel and began screaming at me violently, calling me things that I don’t even want to write down," the woman shared. "Even as I told him it was a commercial he ignored me and kept blowing up at me and punched a hole in our living room wall."

Red flags: Screaming obscenities and damaging property.

"He eventually realized what actually happened and awkwardly apologized but I was so disgusted over his reaction to a 15 second commercial," she continued. "I feel like if you can’t keep your anger in check and get that violent over something so small I don’t want to be around for it. We’d been together for over a year, living together for the past 2 months and I’ve known him to get angry at things sometimes but this really took me off guard and I can’t forget how unsafe I felt around him during this."

Red flag: Feeling unsafe with your partner.

She shared that she left the next morning with some of her things and is staying at her parents' house. "I left him a note telling him how I felt and that I didn’t think we were going to work out long term," she wrote. "He’s been messaging and calling me repeatedly. My parents told me that I’m overreacting since he had a bit to drink and the Super Bowl gets everyone riled up but I don’t feel I am. I don’t think it’s normal to be that angry."

Red flag: Parents excusing violent behavior and not supporting their daughter who feels unsafe.

People in the comments let the woman know that her instincts are spot on. It's not normal to get that angry, especially over a football game.

"Jfc, that ad is not even 10 seconds long. It only took him that much to insult you and punch a wall, ultimately destroying your mutual trust? Yikes, that's scary. You deserve much better than that, mad respect for standing your own ground," wrote Reddit user itsOkami.

“'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.' - Maya Angelou. Believe him, he’s got an impressive collection of red flags," wrote Marlievey.

This astute comment from ohsheetitscici received more than 7,000 upvotes:

"Definitely not an overreaction at all! My partner and I watched the same commercial, and we thought one of us was sitting on the remote. When we finally realized it was a commercial, we laughed at how dumb we were and moved on.

"The fact that something that small triggered that intense of a reaction out of your (hopefully) ex is a red flag the size of f**king Texas. You did the right thing, and you are right to protect yourself if you feel unsafe. This is coming from someone who was in an abusive relationship before I met my husband. Trust and believe when I say, the abuse didn’t happen overnight. He, in a f**ked up way, did you a favor flipping out like that. Cause you just got a preview of what was to come later down the line."

Flowerino also hit the nail on the head:

"This is absolutely not overreacting. He was the one to overreact. Even if it hadn't been a commercial he'd still not have any valid reason for becoming so angry and ruining a wall. And if he's capable of destroying property over such a small thing as a commercial break, he is not safe to be around. Next time something he found inconvenient happens, it could've been you he'd hit.

"And your parents' comment about his actions being justified because he had a little to drink is disgusting to me. Alcohol should never be used to justify violence in any shape or form."

Others chimed in about how disturbing her parents' reaction was.

"Like 'Hey, Mom? He punched a hole in the drywall. He went from 0 to hole-in-the-wall in less than 15 seconds. Over something he thought I was doing. He wasn’t responding to the commercial, he was responding to me. I don’t care how many drinks he had; if it’s possible for him to become that enraged over thinking I was changing the channel during a commercial break then imagine if there’s ever a legitimate reason for him to be angry.'" – -janelleybeans-

"You ARE NOT overreacting! Your parents are UNDER REACTING! I don't care how 'exciting' a GAME is, nor how much alcohol was consumed. That doesn't excuse bad behavior. This would be a definite 'dealbreaker' for me." – Pyewacket62

Hopefully, this woman's story and the comments from people pointing out red flags will not only help her see that her instincts are right, but perhaps help others to recognize patterns of abusive behavior. As many people pointed out, domestic violence doesn't usually escalate to extremes immediately, and there are signs and signals that indicate abusive dynamics in a relationship that everyone should be aware of.

Good for this woman for recognizing that screaming and punching a hole in the wall over a Super Bowl ad is one of them.

If you are in or think you might be in an abusive relationship, get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline by visiting hotline.org, or calling 1.800.799.SAFE (7233), or texting "START" to 88788.

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Chicago's 'hero movers' are a reminder of how hard leaving abusive relationships can be.

When a three-man moving crew saw a woman frantically running out of a dental office in Chicago, they knew she was in trouble. And they knew they could help.

Josh Lara, Cody Grant, and Mike Zaininger were unloading a truck in Chicago's West Loop back in October when a woman ran up to them, asking to use their phone, telling them that someone was shooting.

That someone was the woman's abusive ex-boyfriend. He was carrying a gun, and he was looking for her. "She knew she was being looked for, the way she was hiding," Zaininger told DNA Info Chicago at the time. "It was just our instinct to try and protect and help her," Lara said.

The three movers acted quickly to hide the woman in their truck, likely saving her life. Her ex, unable to find her, fatally shot himself outside the dental office where she worked.

On Dec. 14, 2016, the three "hero movers" — as they've been called — were honored by their local city council.

Lara, Grant, and Zaininger being honored by their city council. Photo via 25th Ward.

An official city proclamation thanked the men for their "selfless display of bravery" and "remarkable display of courage and quick-thinking." The three heroes were surrounded by their loved ones and family, with Cody Grant's youngest son wearing a shirt reading "My Dad Is My Hero."

Escaping an abusive relationship is not usually as simple as running outside and asking for help.

Abusers purposely make their victims feel small and helpless to convince them the abuse is their own fault. They cut their victims off from support networks and often use financial control and manipulation and emotional abuse to ensure their victims stay quiet and have no means of escape.

A woman walks through the streets of Paris with fake blood for International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. Photo by Thomas Samson/AFP/Getty Images.

"Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving than at any other time during the relationship," reads the Domestic Violence Intervention Program website. The woman who the hero movers hid was lucky to find them — and even luckier that they acted quickly to help her and didn't stop to ask questions or turn the other way.

There are things you can do if you suspect that someone is being emotionally or physically abused or if someone comes to you asking for help.

A good first step is to familiarize yourself with the warning signs of abuse, which can help you identify an abusive relationship that might not seem like one at first.

If you want to help a friend or family member, you should also try to understand why that person might not want to leave the relationship or why they might not even think they're being abused. Shaming them for that or pressuring them to escape can actually be counterproductive. Instead, make yourself someone they can trust and talk to no matter what.

A photo exhibition of murdered women in Ankara, Turkey, as a protest against violence toward women. Photo by Adem Altan/AFP/Getty Images.

Because leaving abusive relationships puts women at such high risk of retaliation from their partners, it's important to develop a safety plan that also accounts for the safety of kids, pets, and family members.

We won't all find ourselves in situations where we can be like the hero movers, but stopping domestic violence is up to all of us.

The woman in Chicago was in direct and immediate danger. She was being hunted by an angry abuser who had a gun on him. But instances of domestic abuse won't always be that extreme. There isn't any one type of person who can find themselves stuck in an abusive relationship. It happens to women, it happens to men, and it happens in LGBTQ relationships as well.

If abuse is happening to someone you know, don't assume that someone else will step in, and don't assume that that person will eventually help themselves. You can, and should, be the person that speaks up in a productive way when you see it.

In Chicago, when the movers stepped in, they saved a woman's life. They also demonstrated the simple power of being there. They did the right thing, and it should inspire all of us to do the same whenever we can.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call or visit the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, 800-799-7233

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